I will be so glad to finish this six day week of long long days at paid work. Still it will be a helpful boost to my bank balance. which will help me travel up and down to Wales, to see my family.
I will be with Jack for three days. I hope we have some chance to stretch our legs and have some fresh air. We are going to be in a very pretty part of the country. I am so looking forward to it! And so glad to be with him again.
I have had lots of fears and concerns about what everyone will think of Jack and me, not just making peace, but trying to be a couple. Advice will come. Whether I ask for it or not!
I wouldn’t be doing this if it didn’t seem like a good thing. But I am aware of the challenges. I have already had a big taste of them in the past. The difference is, I was on my own back then, this time I am going to be with Jack when I deal with those challenges.
I am a bit of a softie in some respects. I love people. So when five/six years ago I was called horrible names and became the target of slanderous slurs and insults, it did affect me. Most of that came from strangers. Some very upsetting accusations came from friends.
But what I found hardest is the way the people I admired and respected, people who I thought liked me, cooled towards me drastically. I have told Jack how much that knocked my confidence. I didn’t know who my friends were any more. Everyone seemed more worried about maintaining their friendship with Jack than me. Jack knows what a softie I am inside, how much I want to look at others with love. I have tried to explain how lost I feel at the thought of trying to restore all those friendships when they find out about Jack and me.
I want to run like a wild horse alongside him, fearlessly facing challenges, and this time…I don’t want those blows and those sharp arrows to slow me down. If strangers or “friends” start insulting, accusing, slandering me…I want Jack to help me this time. I wish I could ignore it all in some respects – but it is hard. It is hard to keep your smile when strangers make shocking statements about you.
Don’t worry – this is not about either Jack or Goldfinch. I was just bored! I did not actually have anyone in mind when I wrote this, but I imagined myself feeling this way. That is what we do sometimes isn’t it…we imagine and try to be creative. Sorry you had to suffer it!
It has started already. I had Royal Mail post this morning from political parties. Surely they must have had it all ready to go before the vote to have a General Election for it to arrive so quickly. I am going to be diplomatic about this…they obviously feel they are right. I pay my taxes and obey the laws of whichever government is in power. I do not associate myself with any individual political party (neither does Jack by the way, which is why we could be sent to all sorts of interesting places, with “delicate” political climates).
The news will be all about the election over the next few weeks. I may feel inclined to just get on a plane and go and hide somewhere (maybe Australia, although I would need to take Jack with me) until it is all over.
The funny thing is…it’s not going to be over is it? No matter which party is governing the country at the end of the year, whether they are for or against the B word/issue…it is not going to be over – because there will still be a lot of people who don’t get the result they want. There don’t seem to be clear winners and losers in politics. Results are often almost 50/50. I wonder how close we are to the United Nations becoming more involved with “maintaining authority”?
I was watching something (well, to be honest, I wasn’t really watching it, I was actually ironing, but happened to realize there was something on the news about violence towards politicians) the other night. A news broadcaster invited a young woman (no idea who she was, but she only looked sixteen, although she had a very well spoken voice) to give her opinion on “things”. She said – everyone seems to think they are right, and those with opposing views are wrong.
She said – that there has been a marked change of behaviour since the Europe referendum. She said – people have become very volatile, easily inflamed. She said – people feel they can say whatever they want, in conversations, on social media, and peaceful protesting (some of which might be considered to be positive, although I won’t venture an opinion), but there have also been the extremes of yelling abuse at politicians in the street, throwing milkshakes all over them, sending death threats, putting incendiary devices through their letter boxes, and of course the actual murder of politicians. I have family who hold “office” as politicians (not that I share their opinions), so of course the thought of them being victims of violence is very concerning.
I am observing this…it is interesting. I have been reading the scriptures since I was a little girl…and so I am well aware of the forecast about the political scene during “the time of the end” (the end of corruption, injustice and abuse).
I don’t really worry about the outcome of referendums and elections – I already know the outcome of human rulership. I’ve read this book many times…and I know the ending.
And to be honest it is the ending that I love reading about. It is a much happier ending than any other happy ending. Cruelty, suffering, pain – all gone! Gone. All the damage undone. Tears of grief turned to tears of joy. No human can make promises like that. They don’t have the power to fulfil them.
This earth, in the hands of our Creator…will be clean…clean of wickedness, corruption, violence, injustice and abuse. Clean of pollution, slavery, crime and disease. Beat that for a manifesto! Clean for a united, happy human family, who love what is good, love peace, love creation, and of paramount importance, LOVE OUR CREATOR. Of course none of the letters from any political parties mentioned any of this.
Anyway…when it’s all over…I cannot imagine political propaganda is going to be something that we miss! Nor will I miss gross negligence in the name of profit, that leads to catastrophic disasters and mass loss of lives. (Another desperately sad feature of the News bulletins here in England today 😦 )
Our Father in the heavens
Let your name be sanctified
Let your Kingdom come
Let your will take place…on earth
Whenever I think of these words, which billions of people have uttered…I think of how much better our Creator’s purpose (which happens to be unfailable) is, than any plans, pledges, promises (which may, or may not, change, be forgotten or are just impossible to guarantee) of human political parties.
The sad thing is…people will fight for corrupt rulership, despite the appalling record it has. I have always been baffled about that. But when I see how convinced people can be that they are right, and that those who disagree are wrong…and how “volatile” and “inflamed” their behavior can become, feeling that violence and threats are acceptable – I realize there will be some very shocking behaviour ahead of us, before it is all over and we can breathe a huge sigh of relief…and start to really live! I mean really live!
There is a reason it feels like I am running wildly into the arms of HOME. Although completely crazy in some ways, it just makes perfect sense. This feels like the ending that not even Hollywood could have conjured up for Caramel!
He and I – we are on the same page! We dream the same dream! We want the same thing! He and I are two peas in a pod personality wise. We are both devoted to the same things. We care about the same issues. There is unity in our thoughts and feelings on so many subjects.
Now we are learning to understand each other and building communication because we have a small (but glorious) window of opportunity to be truly alone. I hope that we are going to be strong together. Strong enough to withstand what is to come. Friends who might be bewildered. And then there are the opinion of all those strangers who “follow” him in one form or another. Scary scary!
I feel as if we are on a honeymoon and I am dreading the thought of having to leave this secluded secretive state and “go public.” I talk to him a lot about how I feel. I’ve had to make it clear how damaging the furore was, especially after he moved into our flat. He seems to have no anxiety about it. But I think he does appreciate I am not strong enough to deal with it. It’s so amazing being with him. When I am with him, I am not scared of what is to come. I just see him and only him.
I have been praying about him a lot. It might sound silly to you, the situation between us was of not great importance to the rest of the universe really. But I went to the London Excel Centre in August and sat listening to very inspirational presentations that were focused on love and it’s facets of expression. It was deeply moving, and it taught me not to give up hope. It was the end of August that I started to pray about him. Days later I randomly walked down a little lane on the other side of London and he just happened to be there with a couple of friends. I floated past in my sunglasses hoping he had not seen me. However, he did see me. I know that now. And look at what has happened. A miracle!
Tonight it was The British Bake-Off Final!!! Yay!!! Only I was so tired after work that I forgot! I came home and they were just about to announce the winner. So I turned the television off straight away…as I want to watch the show from the start before I know who the winner is. It will be so hard to avoid hearing who the winner is before I get to watch the show….but it is too late to watch it now.
I am jiggered! But it is something to look forward to watching another evening. Actually tomorrow evening will probably be my best chance because I finish an hour early tomorrow.
Day Two of my six day week of long long shifts has passed – four more to go. However, tomorrow I have to wake up extra early because some builders want to come and see my little nest. They want to come at 6:30am before I leave the house to go to work. Great!
I am shattered…but my mind is racing with thoughts of work today. The mix of fast paced busy busy and feeling it is vital to deliver proper patient care by making sure I listen and reassure. Sometimes delivering that little touch, empathy, personal interest is going to matter more than everything else we do. But is a constant juggling act. If you spend too long with one patient…you have ten staring at you! They are cross because of how long they had to wait.
I am trying to relax my mind and let it unwind. Fortunately, my body is so exhausted I…I suspect that my racing thoughts have little chance of disturbing my sleep. I want to sleep…and wake up early so that I can give my little nest a quick tidy up before these builders arrive. I am so houseproud! But right now…I am just glued to the sofa…like a barnacle!
At least I had a warm dinner tonight…courtesy of Marks And Spencers. Jack sent an email with some photos of a project he has been working on. I can tell he has been having a lot more fun than I have! When I think of Jack…I relax. He makes me relax.
When I was out in Australia with Goldfinch, I remember some conversations we had about the scale of pollution that has become manifest in recent years. I could tell that Goldfinch feels angry about nature being “raped”.
I still hear shocking opinions. I was working with a man recently, who said that scientists don’t know what they are talking about. He reckons there is nothing wrong with the earth and that whatever we put into the air and waterways, the earth can deal with it. Interesting chappy…especially when he told us his life story. I realized he was not the kind of person I wanted to end up in a deep discussion with. I don’t know if you ever chat about these subjects with family, friends or colleagues but it can be easy to start going round in circles.
Whose responsibility is it to change? Is it governments? Is it us as individuals? Some have already made significant changes to their lifestyle hoping they will help to make a difference. They may feel frustrated at times, wishing that more would follow in their steps.
I said to Goldfinch that I believe the scale of changes needed is enormous. I expressed my view that not only do the “controls” need to be handed over to someone capable, powerful who cares about Creation and not about profit, but in addition the wants, the aspirations and the dreams of all of us need to change. I mentioned to him a story I have heard several versions of many times.
Recently I was talking to a friend who is passionate about climate change and living a environmentally friendly lifestyle. She was telling me about how strict they are with their teenager who is preparing for exams. She said that he needs to pass those exams to get into a certain school. He needs to get into that school to have the best chance of going to a top university. Because they want him to have opportunities to have a lucrative career and to be able to afford some of the things her and her husband haven’t been able to provide for their family.
I was looking at her wondering whether she realized what she was saying (by the way her teenager is stressed out by these exams and is argumentative because his parents won’t let him hang out with friends when he wants to, because they want him to stay home and study). It sounded to me as if they are planting dreams of wealth and luxury into his heart – but they are hoping he will also be passionate about veganism and recycling.
Anyway…while people are not content with how beautiful life can be with just a little…while people want more and more and more, and dream of possessing ludicrous fortunes…what chance do you think there is of pollution halting?
Well here is the story that you may have seen before. It made a huge impression on me when I heard it and it has shaped my life and my attitude to earning my bread and butter. I rejected the goals that my school teachers waved in front of me. I have loved living simply so that I could spend most of my time as a volunteer, rather than earning money I did not need.
This story has been told thousands of times with many variations. This is one version I heard. It is a story that makes me smile from ear to ear as it shows up something pretty stupid about this striving after the wind, striving after endless more that is promoted today.
The fisherman returned home in his pirogue and was met by an expert in economics who was working on expanding the economy in that developing country. The expert asked the fisherman why he was back so early. He replied that he could have stayed out longer but that he had caught enough to care for his family.
“So now, what will you do with your time for the rest of the day?”
The fisherman responded: “Well, I do a little fishing. I play with my children. We all have a rest when it gets hot. In the evening, we have a meal together. Later, I get together with my friends for some music, and talk with other villagers.”
The expert interrupted: “Look, I have a university degree and have studied these matters. I want to help you make your life better. I recommend that you stay out fishing longer. You would earn a lot more. Soon you will be able to purchase a bigger boat than this pirogue. With a bigger boat, you would earn still more. Before long you will be able to build up a fleet of trawlers.”
“That sounds interesting. What I would do then?” the fisherman inquired.
“Then, instead of selling fish through a middleman, you could negotiate directly with the factory or even start your own fish-processing plant. Do you realize you would be able to leave your village and move to London, or Paris, or New York and run the whole thing from there. You could even consider putting your business on the stock market and earn millions, perhaps more.”
Raising his eye-brows, the fisherman asked, “How long would that all take?”
“Perhaps 15 to 20 years,” the expert answered.
“And then what would I do?” the fisherman continued.
“That is when life gets interesting,” the expert explained. “You see, then you could retire. You could move away from the hustle and bustle of it all to some remote village.”
“And what then?” asked the fisherman.
“Then you have time to do a little fishing, play with your children, have a siesta when it gets hot, have supper with the family, and get together with friends for some music.”
WHO DO YOU THINK REALLY HAS THE RIGHT IDEA ABOUT HOW TO LIVE A SATISFYING LIFE ON THIS BEAUTIFUL PLANET WITHOUT GREEDILY TAKING MORE AND MORE AT GREAT COST – THE DAMAGE OF FAMILY LIFE, COMMUNITY LIFE AND THE NATURAL RESOURCES OF THIS BEAUTIFUL PLANET?
When I hear people complaining in the western world about not being able to afford a new phone, or a holiday…I wonder…well, I just wonder!
It has been a long day. I don’t like doing twelve hour shifts. You come home and feel so exhausted you just want to collapse onto the sofa and eat junk food. Thank goodness I don’t actually have any junk food in the house. Instead I had pureed pear for my dinner. Yes I was so tired, I could not face cooking. I might have a slice of bread and hummus later, if I manage to muster the energy to sit up. I have been telling myself to get up and have a shower and go to bed.
But I am battling that mental sludge…you know when you remember all the things you said and did when you were tired. But when you work twelve hours in an intense environment, you do become tired. I had a constant headache (which I have had since I was hit by that roof) and I felt dizzy at times – but I pushed on.
And the thing is…I have six days of this! One day down…five to go! Aaaaaagh! Am I going to feel this wrecked at the end of every day? I need to think about picking up something quick and easy to eat. I need more than pureed pear for my dinner all week.
So…I hope my little mistakes, which were induced by tiredness, will be overlooked. Everyone seemed happy enough with me. Shower. Bed. I am so sleepy tired!
No Jack until Saturday evening. After work he is taking me up to the Cotswolds. We will be up there for three nights. Back in London on the Tuesday.