My Very Special Bubble Mate

Jack is coming on Friday evening. His fourteen day quarantine will have ended!!! I have to work for six hours on Saturday, but we will spend the next few days together. I have Monday and Tuesday off again!

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I am so glad I will be back with him. I know he will have lots to tell me. He is a tremendous chatterbox! But I am really looking forward to it! We are also going to make something for THE GREAT BLOGGERS’ BAKE-OFF 2020 SUMMER PICNIC!!

It has been far too long since I held him on my arms! This weekend will be the much longed for reunion with someone is always going to be an intrinsic part of who I am…after our rollercoaster history together.

The thought of someone who a year ago seemed like my worst enemy, now being the person I have been longing to hold for months…life is such a funny experience at times. But when I think of what has happened during this past year with regards to Jack…I think I have had an outcome that beats all the Disney Princesses I have ever heard of.

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Did you know that all three parts of THE LEARNERS AT LOVE SERIES are now available on Amazon in both Kindle Connect and Paperback formats. If you click the box below, it will take you to Amazon ❤

Books Block

 

My Boyfriend’s Back!

I have missed Jack sooooooooooooo much! It has felt like forever that he has been away. I have been worried about him. Worrying about someone who is miles and miles away from you is hard!

London, Heathrow, Aircraft, Airport

Aaaaah sigh! It’s so good to have him back! This is the man I love. I was secretly hoping he would not be allowed to go abroad when he left in March. I was secretly hoping he would come home early. He admitted his heart was split. He has loved his time out there. But he has been worried about me. He has come home because of me.

He is still an international volunteer. When I went to a park and woke up the next morning in an ambulance, my health suffered a blow which means I currently don’t meet the criteria to be an international volunteer. I am thrilled that Jack can do what I cannot. I mentioned a few days ago…there is a very complicated situation caused by the rift that occured between us six years ago, which culminated in my dramatic disappearance from London five years ago (after I was attacked). That caused sensational waves and Jack and I have still not calmed the waters.

Now he has to quarantine for two weeks before I can be back in his arms. But I am going to go and see him at some point. He will stand on his balcony and I will call sit on the grass outside sunbathing and we will talk. I have Sunday, Monday and Tuesday off work. Yay!!! I am just not sure I can be near the park where I was attacked. I don’t think I am up to it at the moment. My chest feels traumatised from all the flashbacks and moments of fear I have had these past few weeks.

 

But It Was Always You

I don’t think you can ever comprehend what it was like to try to get on with my life without you, to pretend. I was going through the motions. Smiling because they told me to smile. Laughing to hide the tears. I did just as they advised. I went on dates and it was truly awful.

Suit, Man, Dapper, Work, Male, Business

There was one who sent me long romantic emails but was unwilling to ever meet me. I suspect he was married even though he told me he was not.

Man, Muscle, Fitness, Workout, Training

There was the one who tried to impress me with his athletic prowess and physique. He boasted of his strength and stamina all the time. I could hardly contain my laughter at his own self obsession.

Man, Silly, Funny, Crazy, Weird, Odd

Then there was the one who kept cracking terrible jokes. He had a bizarre sense of humour and laughed at what was absurd. I didn’t laugh with him. It was insidious.

Man, Fashion, Model, Fashion Man

Then the one who was a dedicated follower of fashion. Designer shades, wearing sportswear endorsed by basketball players and flashy trainers. What a complete wally!

Bicycle, Home, The Light, Light The Way, Travel, Green

The one who did everything green. He lived on a raw vegan diet. He bicycled, recycled, freecycled and had a negative carbon footprint. He spent hours cycling to work each way so that he didn’t have to use any transport that ran off fossil fuels. One night he was hit by a double decker bus. Sadly he will never cycle again.

Guy Playing Billiard, Pool Table, Men

Then there was the one who took me out with his pals. He let them lear at me while he placed bets at the pool table. He would snap his fingers and expect me to jump, fetch a beer for him or lend him another twenty dollars.

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But what you may not realize is that there was only ever you. In all those men, all I was looking for was you. But I couldn’t have you, because you had stopped talking to me. I tried so hard to get on with my life. I tried to smile when I only wanted to cry. I tried to pretend. I went on dates with all those men and it was awful.

But you called me. You called me out of the blue. You gave me the chance to stop pretending for everyone else’s sake. You gave me the chance to admit that I never ever stopped looking for you, never stopped loving you. Thank you for picking up the phone and ringing me.

Man, Model, Young, Face, Male, Person

The Lantern

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My heart was beating as I listened to my grandmother tell me about how for years she was secretly courted by a wealthy young man, despite his family being dead against their relationship.

During all those years that he and I snook away for romantic rendezvous…

We ne’er showed

Our secret code

At his abode

…to any other soul. It was a mysterious unspoken language between he and I. All those years when we were kept apart by the most miserable of circumstances, his rich aunt who detested that my father was a mere tradesman. She announced our union would be a disgrace to the noble bloodline from which she descended, and forbade him to see me.

However, with his encouragement Auntie would go away for the occasional trip to Lyme or the New Forest on one of her little vacations. My beloved would always hasten to give me that sign, so that I knew that apart from the servants, he would be alone at home and could receive me…

I’d see that light

That meant we might

Make love that night

…and I would rush down to the manor house, squeeze through the gap he had created in the perimeter walls and make my way through the pristine gardens. I had to climb the trellis erected for the wisteria, to reach his balcony. He would be there waiting to lift me over the stone balustrade.

It was terribly exciting, terribly romantic. He would kiss each one of the scratches I had incurred in my climb up over the gnarled twigs that scraped against my soft skin. He would hold me in his arms, whispering to me that it was agony not being allowed to see me.

Eventually your Grandfather spurned his rich aunt’s wishes in choosing to elope so he could marry me. In outrage, his aunt cut him out of her will. Your grandfather gave up his inheritance for me.

After his crabby aunt had passed away, he went to visit his second cousin who had received the inheritance and made just one request. Your grandfather asked for the lantern that hung in the porch on the south side of the house. His request was granted, and we fixed it up in the vestibule here at the cottage we raised our children in.

The lantern that for eight years proclaimed the message I was longing for:

“The coast is clear

You need not fear

Come in my dear”

 

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This was my response to FANDANGO’S FLASH FICTION Challenge:

Fandango’s Flash Fiction Challenge #71

Eight Cows

I always remember the story of Johnny Lingo and Surita. (You know it or you don’t…I may write up the way I first heard the story one day.) I often think of how I could write a story inspired by Surita. A story of what Surita went on to do with her life after Johnny Lingo inspired an inner flame inside her.

African Woman, Woman, Nigeria Woman, Black, Female

But the moral of the story is that they way we treat someone can affect their sense of self-esteem and their sense of dignity. When someone feels loved and valued they can really thrive.

Although the average bride price was two or three cows. Although the villagers laughed because they thought Surita was not attractive and joked that someone would only offer one cow for her. Who would want to marry Surita? But Johnny Lingo gave eight cows for Surita!

The villagers thought he must have been tricked or bribed by Surita’s father. A visiting reporter heard of the mystery that still lingered. She visited Johnny Lingo to ask why he would pay eight cows, far more than the usual bride price.

When the reporter meets Surita she was really taken. She described her as glowing with beauty. Her eyes sparkled, her skin was radiant, a delightful smile lit up her face. She was graceful and charming, her voice full of warmth and colour. Was this the same Surita that the villagers had said was haggard and plain?

Johnny Lingo said that when Surita knew how precious she was to him, that he would give far more than the average bride price, she was touched. But Johnny Lingo showed everyday how precious his wife was. Surita began to thrive and glow, secure in being loved and appreciated.

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I loved that story the moment I heard it. So often people are not made to feel valued, precious, loved. I know from my own personal experience that when I felt loved I thrived. When I felt excluded and was the object of insults and cruelty, the inner me crumbled and I lost my joy.

There is so much controversy around at the moment. But if each one of us think about making others feel valued, precious, needed, loved – can we help others to thrive.

Oh You Are Such A Romantic

Flower, Red, Petal, Bloom, Garden, Plant

Jack is Jack. It’s hard at times. We have such a rocky history. But we get on very very well. We see eye to eye on what is most important. He and I are on the same page. Right from the start of our romantic relationship (which technically began last September, even though the spark was lit almost eight years ago) I said HONEST COMMUNICATION was essential.

If he and I were not open with each other, how would we face the interest of others (both friends and strangers). I told Jack right from the start about Goldfinch. Jack listened and said there was all the more reason not to take me for granted.

Anyway….Jack up and going to Africa was not a decision I found easy. I love him for it. But I miss him so much! Jack has also picked up that I have been struggling these past few weeks. I had to remind him why. He said some things that made a difference. I was glad we talked about it.

Well…a few days later, he sent me a video – Jack was singing a song that means a lot to him and I. A very special song. It links back to a night when he and I were so close…so so close to saying the words that it took us seven years to say to each other. We were interrupted by a young lad who was excited to see Jack and wanted a selfie with him. Story of my life! Story of our romantic life!

I do ❤ Jack…very much! I do kind of wish I could be on a desert island with him though.

My Heart Was Bruised By A Dream

Why do we do this to ourselves?

Why do I do this to myself?

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I dreamt of you. The reality swept over me that it was just a dream and it broke my heart.

There you were, there you were, walking towards me, your arms held out. I felt your embrace. Your head leaning against mine, your arms clinging to me. It felt as if you would never let go. You whispered into my ear that you had been a fool. You told me you wanted to take me home and that we would be together.

Your voice spoke those elusive words. You said aloud “I love you” as if it hurt you to admit it. But you meant it. Your heart beating with the knowledge that you had given in to love though you tried to resist it all this time. You spoke of the agony of the separation. The longing for someone who adores you and always seeks to lift your spirits. The awareness that nobody else has ever gone to so much trouble for you, put up with so much boorishness from you, endured so much discouragement from you.

You tried to take the sweetness I offered and tell me to my face that love is not real and that I was overly sentimental. You tried to tell me that it is impossible for you to love, that you have no wish to be attached to a woman, that you want to be free to see any woman you choose for casual connections.

But there you were. You had sought me out. You had travelled over mountain ranges and deserts to reach me. You gathered me into your arms and told me you cannot go on without me, that you need me. You begged me to come home with you and live life with you, by your side, hand in hand.

I could hardly believe the words I was hearing.

Then I woke up. The dream was falling away from my eyes, collapsing into the abyss of the night, I reached out for it desperately, but it was too late…it was gone. The cold morning sunlight had torched it into a fading smoke.

It was such a beautiful dream. It was the sum of all my inner longings, my whispered pleadings, my pent up frustrations, my fondest fantasies, my deepest desires, my silent prayers. It was such a beautiful meaningful dream. It was torture to realize that my deepest feelings had woven a nighttime fantasy and to realize in the process of waking that it was all a mirage, a figment of my imagination…and now it is all over.

My heart is bruised by a dream.

 

 

One Human Family

Earth, Peace, Together, Symbol, Community

I have been at work day after day after day…sometimes I miss what is happening on the news. But I did see scenes that baffled me the other day.

We are one human family. We are protecting people from a killer virus. But we know that as well as this invisible physical threat, there are other threats to our human family, forces which incite outrage and seek to cause division and hatred.

Because I work with international non-political charities with volunteers from over two hundred nationalities and diverse cultures, I sometimes forget that in the world at large people can behave in such a depraved way.

A human family…all of us with the responsibility to learn to look after our planet, look after each other and look after our health. Education is puerile if it does not teach people how to love. I love this human family and can’t wait for all to be healed in every way possible – physically, emotionally, mentally – the ability to feel joy, to feel safe, to feel valued healed.

Show love. Please show love. Remember we have all been asked to follow guidelines to save people’s lives. Love our worldwide human family, many of whom are fearful and confused. Love conquers. Love each other.

We are all learners at love.

 

Television Magic

hfdsdigSo…if you saw my post last night you will know I felt sad. I had planned to do some work on this course work have asked me to complete. But I did not feel I could face hours of reading.

Instead, I poured myself a glass of wine and flicked on the television and had a very pleasant surprise. It was episode four of the six part BBC Pride & Prejudice. You know…the one with that scene!

It was great! It cheered me up no end!!! If I could pick four minutes of television magic…well that would be it!!!

But then my mind started wondering. Is Jane Austin to blame for the romantic streak I possess? Has she put to many ideas of a Mr Darcy into my head? Is that why I sulk over not knowing when I will see Goldfinch again?

I think Jack is my Captain Wentworth. Goldfinch…he is probably a mix of Mr Wickham and Mr Darcy…the best bits of both rolled into one gorgeous package! Send your questions on a postcard.

Heart Breaking Over Here

I came home from work to find an email which broke my heart.

Sunset, Airline, Aircraft, Travel, Air

In some ways, it is good I suppose. I have been wondering for weeks what would happen with the £900 flight to Australia I had booked. Everytime I asked my travel agent, they said it was too early and I would have to wait and see.

But now I know…

The email was short and sweet. It informed me that Qatar Airlines had cancelled the flight and I will receive a full refund. I should be relieved that the matter has been resolved without any stress. I should be glad I am going to get every penny back. I should be pleased that it will prevent me from putting my manager and colleagues at work under extra pressure because I am not disappearing during this intense time at work.

But all I feel is heartbreak. I have had my cry. This is me wanting to talk about  how I feel now. I will call a friend. I won’t call Jack. I don’t think he will like how sad I am that I now know for certain I won’t see Goldfinch. I will call another friend. Maybe I will call Goldfinch. Not right now…he will be asleep.

Nature, Sky, Outdoors, Weather, Summer

I miss him so much! I have no idea when I am going to see him again. So so sad 😦

How will I get to him? How will I endure until the next time I see him? Sad lump in my throat. Heavy weight on my heart.

I know I keep featuring this song…but it is my Goldfinch song. It says so much of how I feel about him and his being on the opposite side of the planet.