Knowing Your Place

annabelleOne year ago, Goldfinch left England to return to Australia. Frankly, I was lost after he left. Weeks after he left, I found out the reason I was feeling sick everyday since the holidays with my family. That was an amazing discovery. Yet, I lost my little one. A deeply sad time for me. How very glad I am that I was able to travel to Australia in the summer to spend time with Goldfinch. What a special time that was. Pure happiness. What a year this has been. I wrote this piece a while ago, and decided to shuffle the scheduling so that it was published a year after Goldfinch left. It is the first part of a short series on the same theme.

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When you love somebody, when they are at the very center of all your thoughts, when you detect that your thoughts have shifted their orbit. Now you are orbiting around them. You think of them, dream of them, plan for them, save up your spare cash so you can use it on them, pick out recipes so that you can bake something delicious for them, spend longer on your make-up and hair – all for them.

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But it can be hard, even heart-breaking, to realize and to accept, that you are not at the center of their thoughts, you are not at the center of their life. You are there, but closer to the outer rim of their solar system. Right out there on the outer edge. Knowing your place, accepting it. Sigh.

snugIt may become apparent that they are not really planning for you, saving up their cash to spend on you, making time for you, they are not dreaming of a future with you. Sob sob.

I think sometimes the less romantic of people end up in a relationship because they have become accustomed to someone who is making all of the effort.

However, if you really are way out there on the outer rim, at an enormous distance (sometimes 10,100 miles might as well be 3,667,000,000 miles) it can seem improbable or impossible, that the person you love could become so accustomed to having you in their life that they realize you are now essential to their happiness.

Life! Still…I have been deeply happy to orbit around someone who has been everything I needed and much more.

A Whole Year

decisionsI was at work the other day, during a quiet spell. We found we were up to date with all our work, so we had a chat, getting to each other better. I found I couldn’t stop talking to my colleague about Goldfinch. I was overjoyed relating some of the joyful experiences that I shared with him, sharing some of the wonderful memories he has left me with.

I am not sure I can write a post right now. I don’t have it in me. But I miss him. I miss him so much!

Him being on the other side of the planet is a good thing really. I am building a life with Jack from now on. I have been very blessed of late. A wonderful Australian man who came into my life out of the blue, and helped heal this bruised heart of mine. And now, stronger hearted, I have Jack back. Wonderful Jack, who perhaps I wasn’t ready for in the past.

A lot can happen in a year. I wish for Goldfinch always to be a part of my life.

I’m A Little Unsteady

robin and annie7“Jack” has been very supportive with regards to me wanting to spend time with my family member in Wales who has cancer.

In some ways being with him in his car for several hours whenever he has driven me up to near the Welsh border has given me a boost. He has always fortified me in some way to face anything that might make me anxious. He has faced the worry of a family member battling cancer himself. In fact when we lived together, one of his closest relatives was very ill. (I didn’t know that at the time, but he has told me since, that it added to the stress he was under back then.)

rob and annie 8He has met the family member of mine who is ill, a number of times (in the past I mean -when Jack and I were housemates). I can’t tell you how much I appreciate his thoughtfulness and kindness throughout these anxious times. I have been a little unsteady, and he has been a great support.

He is definitely a keeper! I am really looking forward to sharing him with my family. I know they might be puzzled at first after what happened in the past. In fact, I know some are probably have firm reservations about him. But when they hear what he has been doing, and how much he cares about my family, I am sure they will be eager to give him a warm welcome.

She Loves Him

watch.pngThis Sunday is working well. Jack is laughing and laughing while watching Madagascar Escape 2 Africa…and I am fussing around him. Something I made is baking in the oven. and now I am about to do my ironing. It’s one of those soggy Sundays when we are very happy to be indoors in the warm. I love fussing over him. I love just hanging out with him. Happy happy happy feelings.

We want to go for a walk later for some fresh air, but most of the evening will be cosy, the two of us making dents in my sofa.

MotoMoto is making me laugh so much! King Julian is making Jack cry with laughter.

Learners At Love

Love brings the very best out of you, if you let it.

oz.pngI have mentioned in a couple of posts that when I was out in Australia, I met a young woman who was very interesting. We had a long conversation and met up a few days later for a coffee to continue our discussion. I have kept in touch with her every since.

She recommended that I go to an event on the other side of London in August. Which I did. I listened to the subject of “love” being discussed. Real love. It made me think of Jack a lot. Three weeks later I spoke to Jack for the first time on over four years.

I am sure that considering more carefully what real love means, prepared me for some of the awful awkwardness Jack and I encountered when we first began to talk.

cools.pngAnyway, my friend in Australia, has just been over to Melbourne for the same event. It seems to be a worldwide series. She said there were around 46,000 people at the venue she attended. She has promised to send me some photographs.

I still remember so much of what I heard. I think everyone on the planet should hear that program. It is the kind of education that all mankind needs. All mankind. Education in how to live and how to love.

The more I see of this world, the more obvious it is that many people have no idea what life is about and they have no idea what love is about.

White and Pink Floral Freestanding Letter DecorWhat a day it will be when everyone on the planet is qualified and educated in the ways of love. We are all LEARNERS AT LOVE. But there isn’t any education more important right now tham learning what real love is and how to apply it in our lives.

I am so glad that I met that lovely Australian young women, and I am so grateful that she encouraged me to trek across London to learn more about love. It was the highlight of the year.

Terrified

us.jpgI have just a few weeks to prepare myself. After Christmas, we will go public. Until now we have been in hiding. It’s all been very “cloak-and-dagger”. He tells me where to wait for him. his car pulls over, I get in and then we are off.

We’ve walked on the beach late at night. That was the first time it got really romantic. But it was freezing. But he wouldn’t let go of me. We’ve walked in the woods in the dark. He has been recognised a few times. He says he is less in the limelight these days. But I saw him on television twice last month alone. He continues to balance the media with work he does for various charities. And he does it so well.

alone1It’s just been he and I. Mostly in places he has hired. He will send me in to get the keys to our cottage or lodge because he is the one who will be recognised. Nobody would know Caramel on her own. He thought it was hilarious to leave a review on Trip Advisor about the a place we stayed in. I wish it could just be he and I alone forever. But it can’t. You can’t hide from those you love most. I am desperate to tell people I love. But as we both know, when you start to tell those you are close to, it does not take long for news to spread.

mystery blondeI am terrified that I am not going to be able to face the pressure that I know will come. I have been in a bubble of love with him. All these weeks of actually being glad that the nights were getting longer. Darkness has made it so much easier to hide.

He wants to tell his parents and his sister when he is with them  during the holidays. He wants me to tell any family that I need to. My parents, my younger sisters. They need to be prepared. We both know what happens. He will of course be the focal point of everyone’s interest. I will just be that blonde on his arm.

hiding from paps.jpgI hate seeing myself in photographs you know. And they take them from such hideous angles. it is so invasive. It’s enough to give me a complex. But I have to do it for him. It’s his life you see. And he does it so well. He wants me by his side. He’s already mentioned a couple of events in the new year he wants me at. By his side.

The last couple of months have just been incredible. I have felt loved. That’s what we needed. We needed to be alone to work everything out. There wasn’t really that much to work out in the end. Just a lot of love. That’s all it needed. A chance to be together and let love do the rest. And he does it so so well. I did wonder at times as if there was a reason he held back. Well, now I know that if there was a reason, it was not any physical inadequacies. No shortage of love. Perhaps it is a good thing that we are getting our fill of the erotic variety before we face the opinions of others. I am hoping that’s all we will need to survive what everyone else thinks. I am going to try to block out everyone else’s comments.

rc events.jpgIt’s hard to believe still. over four years, believing he hated me. But he wants me by his side. I am terrified that I will let him down. If you notice photographs of a well know figure, handsome with greying hair, who is stepping out with a caramel haired woman on his arm – please know her heart is racing. She is terrified in every way. A miracle has happened and turned her life upside down.

She is not just a ditzy blonde wannabe. The two of them actually lived in the same flat for some time. They know each other well. They have been breaching a rift. They don’t want to let each other down again. The blonde on his arm is a woman who always said he was the love of her life, despite everything that happened. You might see her real name mentioned. But to you, she will always be Caramel. She has no idea if she is going to be able to continue writing her story. It’s taken a surprising twist these past few months which she never dreamed would take place.

What if it all goes wrong? At least now he and I have something wonderful to remember each other by.

I Only Wanna Hear Love Songs

romcomaFor the past couple of months…I have found myself feeling a lovely glow of happiness. I think I have always been a generally happy person…but I have also had some very stressful situations, and of course the crime I was victim of caused challenges that have been hard to deal with.

But Jack has made me happier than I was before. My head is a bit in the clouds at times. So loved up am I! Loving love songs, loving romcoms, loving every chance I have to be with him. It’s all good. I am looking forward to sharing the news with my family so much.

The past couple of months have been so very exciting though. Very very exciting. We both seemed to agree from the start that it was not fair that we are not allowed to enjoy getting to know each other years ago. Everyone was watching. We were not allowed to flirt. We were not allowed to gaze at each other. We were not allowed to be smitten by each other.

songa.jpgWe wanted to see if there really was the kind of spark that seemed to be there back then. It turns out the spark, was more like a roaring blaze! Jack told me very early on that he felt sure that what he felt was much more than attraction. He told me he was sure it was love. The first time he said that to me six years ago…I was bewildered. I was very skeptical. I thought he hated me at the time. So when he said it again, after four years of silence from him…I decided not to let myself doubt him for a moment on this occasion.

Anyway…I do realize I have been writing a lot about Jack of late. Can you blame me? He is the main subject on my mind from day to day! But if you are not interested in all this lovey dovey stuff – thanks for being so tolerant!