He Will Take Me Home…Eventually

I had an e-mail with a few photographs of an event “Jack” was at the other night. All I could focus on was him. Him in a tux. Wow! (No, this is not “Jack”!)

take me home.jpgI have seen him in a tux before. But he has lost some weight, or maybe he has been trying to tone or something. But he looks better than he used to in a penguin suit. And his hair is just a touch longer than last weekend. He had just had it trimmed last time I saw him, and it was just a bit too short. He always has his hair trimmed by a guy who works in a posh salon. “Jack” doesn’t go to the salon. The guy, (I can’t remember his name, it is Japanese) goes round to Jack’s and trims it there. He always goes too short. “Jack” is teased by his friends, because he looks odd with it so short.

“Jack” always says it is because his hair grows so quickly. So he has to have it cut really short a week or so before he is going somewhere important, and then it is just about perfect when he needs it to be. In the photos Jack sent me, his hair was perfect. He looked so smooth! It gave me butterflies in my tummy see him.

He was going to come here on Sunday. Now…he has suggested a change of plan slightly. When I finish work on Saturday, he wants me to meet him close to where he will be (he is at another event on Saturday at a venue a few stops up the tube line from here). It’s such a crazy plan. But it’s exciting that is coming up with silly plans just so he can see me twelve hours sooner than we had arranged.

lushIf I go to meet him on Saturday, there is a risk. Will he be spotted with a caramel blonde? He will be in a penguin suit again. That means I can’t turn up to meet him in jeans. No…I will be in a dress, and with red luscious lips and curled hair.

Wearing a dress to ride up the tube a few stops, meet him in a car park, and then be in his car while he drives us out to Jono’s house. I have to hide in the car, he will go in and grab the keys to Jono’s cottage in the Cotswolds. (Plan for a couple of weeks from now.) Then it’s drive back to London, sneak back into my little place in the middle of the night. It is such a crazy plan. All for the sake of a little extra time together. But it so so exciting!!!!

Then…me in my dress, him in his tux…but not for long! I’m telling you!

Advertisements

Feelings Like Photons

feelings.gifI think I mentioned a while back that I was trying to write a letter to Goldfinch, but I was struggling because my feelings were mixed up. It was nothing on his part that was causing it…I just felt so happy out in Australia, and was so sad that the time with him had come to an end. I didn’t want to overwhelm him with a deluge of emotion in that letter.

Anyway…I sat down and thoughts and words finally came. But what I wanted to mention to you today is a kind of illustration I used to explain my emotional make-up.

I remember years ago learning about the journey of photons from the sun’s core to it’s surface and then it’s ongoing journey from the surface of the sun out into the surrounding solar system, possibly even heading to our beautiful planet. I have read lots of articles about this fascinating process, and although the basics are very similar, some of the time frames guesstimated are different.

fusion.pngBut essentially, it takes a very long time for a photon to escape from the sun’s core to the surface so it can launch itself into the solar system. How long? One article said anywhere between 10,000 and 170,000 years. Another said anywhere between 50,000 and 15,000,000 years. I have seen other articles that simple give an average, but three different articles gave me three different averages, 16,000 said one, 45,000 said another, 1,000,000 said yet another. I’m not worried. I don’t see anyway they can be 100% sure of something that is currently completely beyond our ability to measure accurately. The point is, it takes a very long time!

And it is not an easy journey at all! One article described the photon’s journey as “hellish”. Essentially it is bounced around, as if it is trapped in a giant insane pinball machine. And it’s all super fast. How fast? At the speed of light presumably!

nurtureContrast this with what happens when it leaves the sun’s surface…a photon would take just over eight minutes (most articles seem to agree on this) to travel from the surface to the sun, to our planet Earth. There it will do amazing things! It will nurture life, power generators, bring cheer to people’s hearts…but potentially it could burn skin or scorch earth.

Well…I sat down to finish my letter Goldfinch. I was bursting with emotion that I have not let escape in all this time. It has been bombarding around me, chaotically colliding with other thoughts and feelings. It has felt like nuclear fusion, like an insane pinball machine that was hurling everything in my heart in mystifying directions.

hug.pngAnd now it would take me a relatively short amount of time to let those emotions escape and form on paper…it will take Goldfinch even less time to read them. But I wanted him to know, they are only intended to warm his heart and to bring cheer, to empower him and to nurture his soul. They are not supposed to burn or scorch or do any damage.

I would love to him to think of me and understand that if I could harness my feelings they would be warm embraces, huge fond hugs communicating how embedded in my heart he is.

brightSo I managed it…I wrote down a beautiful letter than expresses my love, my gratitude and my joy at everything he has been, everything he has done, everything he has shared with me. His warmth has breathed life and joy and pleasure into me. He has caused me to blossom and thrive again. My letter is on it’s way to Australia even now…sadly not travelling at the speed of light. It encapsulates my photon-like feelings and expresses my hope that whenever he thinks of me, it will warm him and energise him. For he will always be a spark of joy in my heart.

I do hope I see him again. These 10,100 miles are a very grievous thing. I would love to be able to travel at the speed of light. Someone else did the maths…and worked out that travelling at the speed of light, it would take just over half a second to travel from London to Australia. I wonder if my photon-like feelings are strong enough to travel at that speed and to deliver the same impact they left my heart with.

rough.gif

Until We Meet Again

until we meetWhen you want somebody by your side. When you want the person you love by your side. When you want to feel their hand in yours, their arms around you, their kisses on the back of your neck.

I make my way back from Wales to London today…on my own for the journey this time (except for a hundred or so passengers on the train of course). Until we meet again my dear…it’s only in my head that you are with me. If the other passengers had any idea what is going on in my mind when I think of you, when I conjure up memories of you.

When I am with you again…I will kiss the back of your next a hundred times…maybe you will understand what that does to me.

Two Hearts That Beat As One

Curled up on the campbed in the conservatory at my sister’s home. Feeling confused. It is confusing to be in love with two men.

It feels double hearted, or as if I have two separate hearts. One that beats for a gorgeous man 10,100 miles away, the other that races whenever my soulmate is near me.

annie blackwood

But the gorgeous friend, who is 10,100 miles away, said something lovely to me a couple of days ago. He said that naturally the situation will resolve itself. The more time I spend with the man who has very suddenly come back into my life, gradually that love will become stronger and  the other lesser. He has been so kind.

I am one of those people who doesn’t cope well with guilt. Sometimes I have ideals that some might think of as a little childish. So it’s not sitting well with me to have such strong feelings for them both. And because I don’t do guilt at all, I have told them both.

I told my gorgeous Australian about everything that happened from the start. He knows it all. And I told my ex-flatmate that I have been in love for the past couple of years with a wonderful man, and that is hard to let go of him.

Eventually, I want this little heart of mine to settle down. It’s all come with the suddenness of this situation. I have to give it time I guess, for my feelings to calm.

Is This Really As Crazy As It Seems?

This is all happening so quickly!!!

along the way.gif

I wish I could encapture some of it. So many conversations between us. So many looks, and touches. We are racing along at breath-taking speed. When I think of how little time has passed, it seems crazy!

I think it is only possible because so far everything is making sense. If I come across something I cannot accept…maybe we will have to slow down and discuss it more carefully. So much seems completely natural, not crazy at all.

robin and annie talking1.jpgAt the moment…it just feels as if I am back with my housemate, whose ways I know and understand. Nothing is a surprise, because I know him so well. So despite the rift that kept us apart…all that time we spent together in the past, is proving a great foundation for now. I get him. I know exactly what to expect.

He is a crazy bundle of energy and fizz. He is extraordinarily clever (as in facts and figures – what a brain box!) but not very aware socially. He is always so close to the border of leaving someone baffled or staggered. That’s where I come in – and my uses to him are so clear. Me – the epitome of diplomacy and elegance. He the unpredictable exuberant force, next to me, the sensitive, intuitive, gentler influence.

annie and robin4.jpgA lot of friends have labelled me a firecracker. I can have a crazy amount of enthusiasm and energy. I can be very exuberant…but when I am next to him, I am like a cool calm that just gently nudges him to indicate that somebody is about to explode, and reminding him that people can misunderstand and misjudge.

It reminds me of why those who loved us genuinely felt we would be good for each other. We are both full of life, we both have big hearts. We are both good students, he is brainer than me, but I am not at all ignorant, which he needs. We are both very sociable, but I have much better social skills, and know how to discreetly indicate to him that he is fudging something and provoking people. I can see why people who cared about us thought we would be a good team.

I just keep telling myself though…this is not a sprint (it has all been at break-neck speed so far!), we are entering a marathon! We want this to be something that is going to last surely. So I am trying to accept that while there might be a lot of things that are easy (we clearly know each other so well), I need to be on the look out for anything that might threaten the team that we are melding into. We need to be ready to take on life’s challenges together and the whole world!

Both being slightly crazy…and both being crazy in love is a good thing! I think!

Here is the mighty original for those who don’t get annoyed by people prancing around in their underwear.

Making A Quick Get-Away

wales

Hours on my own in the car with him!!! He changed the plan for the weekend when I realized I don’t need to be back at work until next Thursday!!!

He picked me up in his car for a get-away that will include me being with members of my family in Snowdonia!!! We have to split up before then. It’s too earlier to inflict him on my family! But in the meantime…almost a four hour drive together…and then a stop over before we spend the day together tomorrow!

I Would Love An Eiderdown

cover.jpgIt was so cold last night! We were shivery and snuggling into each other (it’s cute isn’t it!) to keep warm. He jumped up and started looking through drawers and the wardrobe for extra blankets and he found an eiderdown. It’s years since I have seen a proper eiderdown. I think bed spreads and throws are perhaps more common nowadays.

This eiderdown was so cute! Pretty flowers and flouncy fabric. And it did provide a lovely extra hug of warmth. It made the whole room take on a chintzy feel. I liked it.

Back in my little nest in London, and I am expecting another chilly night. I would love an eiderdown! I would also like him to keep me warm, but he still has not been to my little abode. We are planning a stayover in a couple of weeks time, when we both have some time off. I can cook and bake for him in my own residence. It will be interesting.

spread.jpgI have a fleecy blanket that rests on my sofa, but it is quite small. So I pulled out of storage the big white bedspread that I have. It is a huge thing. Not only does it cover the bed, but it drapes all over the floor, not really letting the tiniest draft in.

It’s lovely to be all wrapped up, “snug as a bug in a rug”, under that enormous bedspread…it is a pain to make the bed neatly in the morning, but that is a small price to pay for being so cosy warm during the chilly nights. I have to remember those hazardous corners too. I have often tripped on the corners when I have been rushing.

The cold is descending. Summer is long gone, which is sad. But I do realize that the darkness is our ally. It is easier for him and I to get about when it is too dark for anyone to really notice him.

him hugThe cold is not so unromantic either. When it is freezing outside, the solution seems obvious: HUGS. He gives the best hugs. They are proper bear hugs, he could easily break one of my ribs I am sure! But it is great…it feels as if he wants to communicate just how much he has in his heart, and he does it by squeezing his arms around me so tight, that it really is hard to catch my breath.

Anyway…I am still dwelling on the thought of having an eiderdown on my bed. He had a sixties playlist on his phone, and he played it because he knows we both love sixties music. This song was on it…which is probably why I am thinking of covers! I had not heard it before. I knew the phenomenal voice instantly. But when he dropped me off near here this morning, I googled the lyrics…so so so sweet!!!

Cover me, cover me
Spread your precious love all over me
Oh, can’t you see the need in me?
Oh, cover me, cover me

Hide me, hide me
Where no other can find me
Oh, I’m feeling cold, I need you so
Oh, cover me, cover me

Girl, my love for you gets stronger everyday
Oh, temptation might be waiting ’round the way
When I’m lost and I get led astray
Find me, find me
Kiss every little tear that blinds me
Oh darling, I don’t want to lose you
Oh, find me

Stay with me, stay with me
Baby, make it all the way with me
Oh, everyday and every way
Stay with me, you stay with me

Cover me, cover me
Spread your precious love all over me
Oh, can’t you see the need in me?
Oh, cover me, cover me

Cover me, cover me
Spread your precious love all over me
Oh, can’t you see?

Written by: Eddie Hinton and Marlin Greene