Who Is Goldfinch?

A lovely blogger very sweetly asked me in a comment recently: “Who is Goldfinch?”

Well…where do I begin?

Goldfinch

I met Goldfinch in October 2017 andI warmed to him instantly. I wrote a post about the night I met him. It was the Saturday night when the clocks go back one hour. So I had an extra hour with Goldfinch. I will always think of him the night of the extra hour.

How I Used My Extra Hour Last Year

Goldfinch is a very wonderful man (although he does not like me to big him up too much) but he is very wonderful to me.

FinchCaramel (Melody Finch) was feeling rather blue really, just over two years after she was the victim of a serious crime. Prior to that crime, she had a very stressful situation which mushroomed into some pretty intense bullying, for over two years. Caramel was finding interaction with men ever so challenging! One lovely friend tried wining and dining Caramel in the hopes she would warm to him. But it was not the right time. Then there was another man, who seemed nice at first but then turned out to be quite a letdown. Aaah sigh!

GoldfinchI was actually in the Midlands, miles from home, and yet again had been let down by this man. Then all of a sudden there was Goldfinch, he just happened to walk in. Caramel was quite bowled over by Goldfinch. He was gorgeous. She fell completely into his arms and felt so happy and safe and warm. Goldfinch brought deep smiles and happiness to Caramel. But Goldfinch was always reminding Caramel that he was going to fly home to Australia.

two goldfinches.jpgAnd so the day came. It was much later than expected. Originally we thought it might be March 2018 when he would go But it was December 2018 when he returned to Australia. Plenty of time for Caramel to fall more deeply in love. Goldfinch helped Caramel feel she could fly again and made her far less blue. Flying next to Goldfinch was exciting and yet I felt safe.

That is not the whole story…but I don’t think you want another long long post from me on a Monday morning do you? So to the lovely blogger who asked me “Who is Goldfinch?”, the answer is, he was, and he is, my dream lover. And I am flying all the way to Australia to see him soon!

So from there it started. Me being smitten with a man I knew was soon to leave to go back to Australia. I have written many posts about Goldfinch and the awareness that he was going, but that I was very much in love with him.

There are a number of bloggers who have been lovely and supportive all the way through my romantic drama, but if you see my references to Goldfinch and have no idea what I am talking about, these posts might give you a bit more of an idea (there are more posts about Goldfinch, but I think this is more than enough):

Uncomplicated Love

What’s Even Worse Than Man-Flu?

I Guess I Am Your Buttery Toasted Teacake

Flight Of The Goldfinch

Perfect Day

Bee Mine! Bee My Little Baby!

One Of My Pathetic Attempts To Be Romantic

Does Anyone Know Who Won And What The Score Was Last Night?

Understanding What He Meant By “Hedonist”

The Jane Austin Effect

I Only Wanna Be With You

When Your Heart Is 10,100 Miles Away!

He Is Like A Dream

Sandwiched In Between A Wedding Reception And A Murder Mystery Weekend

Flying With Goldfinch

Next To Me Where You Should Be

Someday, When I’m Awfully Low…

Where Will I Be Without Him?

My Heart Just Did Something Like This

Could It Be Sweeter Than This?

Shamelessly In Love

When You Realize You Would Love To Grow Old With Someone

Snuggles

Think Of Me… Think Of Me Fondly

Can’t We Go Back To Page One And Do It All Over Again?

Doing Something You Don’t Really Want To Do

Could Someone Please Tell Me How On Earth To Say Goodbye To The Man You Are Head Over Heels In Love With?

Things I Never Even Wanted Until I Met Goldfinch

He Has Gone…

 

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Still As Exciting As When I Was Sweet Sixteen

in love again.jpgI have been feeling so excited about seeing Goldfinch 🙂

You have no idea how much I am trying to reign in my excitement for everyone else’s sake! And of course I don’t want Goldfinch to be sick and tired of me before I even arrive!

But it is sooooooooooooooo exciting!!! I feel like a kid again – falling in love for the very first time. I have never travelled so far. I have never spent so much money on one thing. (That might sound odd, but I have never bought a car or a property and all of my previous travel has been paid for.)

love 1You know I think I need to state that I have no expectations. Nothing has changed. We are still two people who had a great thirteen months together, but now live on opposite sides of the planet. But I am able to spend a little time with him – and I am really really looking forward to it.

I am excited, but simply because I can’t wait to be with him. Nothing else is going to happen. My life is not like a novel or a Hollywood movie. I have no expectations except to be held by him and to enjoy my time with him. Then I will be on a plane on the way back to England before you know it and back to the old grindstone!

But I am still very excited. It’s a long way to go just because you want to hold someone’s hand and stare into their eyes. Even though I am in my thirties, I do sometimes feel like I am still sweet sixteen…going on seventeen.

Yipppeeeeee!!!!!!

I booked my ticket!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy woman jumping and enjoying life  at sunset in mountains

Australia – here I come! I booked my travel insurance and all I need now is a visa.

I am so excited!!!!!! Can you tell?

Goldfinch called me around two o’clock in the morning last night and he said it would be wise to book my tickets before the price went up any more. So I did! Yippee!!!!!!!!

 

 

Lessons In Love And Life

It has taken me a while, but I have just about managed to complete my SHARE-YOUR-WORLD post. Here is Melanie’s (Melanie is the creator of sparksfromacombustiblemind) original post below:

https://sparksfromacombustiblemind.com/2019/04/08/share-your-world-4-8-19/

QUESTION:

What does a successful relationship look like to you?

That is a good question Melanie!

I am no expert on relationships. I have many successful friendships. But I don’t have a huge amount of romantic relationship experience. There was my teenage sweetheart. We courted for years, but when I was around 24/25, I realized there were sound reasons I felt I should end the courtship before we married.

After that…the next few years were a bit odd. I went on dates. I developed some close friendships with male friends. Two men proposed to me during the next few years. Both I said no to for good reasons. We were heading in completely different directions. In addition, the dynamics would not have worked. I need to respect the man I marry, I need someone whose qualities I admire and I need to be able to trust they have their head screwed on. I need someone to make decisions, decisions which I will support and help to be successful. Both of those men were in awe of me and the pace I set as a volunteer. They also loved my accommodation, which was gorgeous.

Then there was Jack. I have to admit, I was exhausted by what happened with Jack. It drove me to despair. Even now I am not sure what exactly went wrong. But I am certain that it was partly because communication broke down between us. We were both too concerned with what others thought and said. After  was attacked that night in the park by a stranger, it was hard to imagine ever being close to a man again. I did try, but it was not right.

IMG_20180722_123051 (2)Along came Goldfinch two and a half years after I was attacked. After a wonderful thirteen months with him, he went home to Australia. He wanted me to be open-minded about meeting someone else and falling in love. I went on two dates with a guy and was physically sick (of course now I realize there was a reason I was struggling with sickness quite a lot around that time).

I can’t contemplate right now the whole meeting someone new and falling in love scenario. I am not adamant that it will never happen. But I don’t want to put any effort into pursuing it. For the moment I am content with being in love with my gorgeous Australian penpal and visiting him whenever I can.

What is a successful relationship? Two people who have a positive effect on each other? Add to each other’s security and make each other thrive?

I guess love and trust and communication have to be major elements. Forgiveness. Appreciation for each other and realistic expectations. Two people who can have fun together and also show concern and care for each other. Loyalty.

But I do think…even the most successful couples will have to be prepared that there can be other heartaches that will cause great grief and pain.

If you could turn any activity into an Olympic sport, what would you have a good chance at winning medal for?

ironingIroning!

When Goldfinch allowed me to put his clothes through the washing machine after he travelled back from abroad…I believe he was kind of amused when I ironed not just his shirts, but everything that I could iron, even his underwear and handkerchiefs.

What do you wish you knew more about?

Oh wow – so much!

This planet has so many fascinating creatures and locations. I wish I could study them.

 

I would love to know more about gardening and cultivating crops. I wish I were more skilled and could make clothes, curtains, Roman blinds, and furniture.

I wish I knew more about Goldfinch. I would love to know him inside out.

What is better in your opinion – asking for forgiveness or permission?

Oh it depends!

When I worked in pharmacy, I remember having to reign in the enthusiasm of some of the new staff I was training. They couldn’t wait to get involved in the dispensing process of prescription only medication or controlled drugs. But we had to be strict that they should not go beyond what they have been trained and authorised to do. If you cause someone to become seriously ill or die because you do something without an awareness of the dangers – you may ask for forgiveness, but it might be hard to forgive yourself.

But in general life, you might not  need to be so uptight about rules and regulations. If you are a hesitant person, always holding back, never being decisive etc – maybe some would encourage you to be more bold in life. Do things. “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission.”

But I would be a bit wary of someone who uses that as their mantra and is regularly manifesting a disregard for the rights of others, flouting authority.

People have such different attitudes towards rules today. I love rules. Rules make me feel secure. I am happy to obey them. So when I am genuinely not aware of a rule and I make a decision or take an action and later on find out I had done something wrong, then I would ask forgiveness. Did I ever tell you about my friend who ended up in trouble when she was in Ireland for face-painting at children’s parties etc? She did not know she was supposed to apply for some kind of face-painting permit.

If I feel there is any possibility of me encroaching on the rights of others, I would ask permission. I would not borrow something of someone else’s without asking first. I don’t just presume. Unless it is a family member or friend who I have known for years and who I know would probably find it ridiculous for me to be worrying about their permission.

Hope you’ll forgive me, but I feel it’s time for a song!

GRATITUDE QUESTION

What’s the best thing about your life right now?

My family still hold the number one spot for the best thing in my life!

I Want To Save These Memories

I remember my last moments with him so very well.

I arrived at the train station forty minutes before he was due to arrive. Crazy hey!! I just couldn’t wait! Of course those forty minutes lasted so long – it was an agony waiting for him. I still have text messages on my phone that I sent to him (34 minutes until you are here!…22 minutes left!…15 minutes now!…another 8 minutes!) while I waited in anticipation!

IMG_20181211_011323.jpgThe staff at the station were chatting to me and telling me they would tell me if there were any changes in the expected platform his train was scheduled to arrive at. But I saw the train from afar and I ran down the ramp towards the platform so that I could find him sooner. I was sure I saw him disembark the train in the distance. I tried to surprise him by hiding behind a pillar. But he had seen me. He had a lot to carry and I think he wanted me to hurry up and make my way towards him so I could take one of his smaller bags while he struggled with his large suitcase (which turned out to weigh over 30kg!)

We then made our way across London, feasting on peanut butter brownies while we snuggled together on the night bus, on our way to my little nest, where we made love as soon as we arrived. It must have been that night…making love at three o’clock in the morning…

I remember everything that happened before he left. Everything said. I have been holding it all as sacred. It was very special. But over far too quickly for my liking.

The hours passed by so quickly. I was devastated when I realized it was time to make our journey to Heathrow Airport. I was so brave. I knew he did not want me to cry. I held the tears in, although I did tell him, that it was only for his sake. I told him that in reality I wanted to bawl and to throw myself on the floor and hold onto his legs so he couldn’t go.

 

I cried a lot when he had gone. I still allow myself regular tearful episodes, but we must not let Goldfinch know, because he would not want that.

I decided to read the goodbye letter I wrote to him. I think I mentioned a while ago that I had taken a photograph of it. Of course as I read it, the expected tears streamed down my face. But that is ok!!! Some days tears are wonderful…a miracle of relief!

It sometimes feels like watching a weepy movie I have seen many times before. Re-living all the wonder and the romance and then yet again experiencing the agony as you endure the tragic ending. Yet you love every moment, and although you could easily press fast-forward and skip the saddest parts – you need to watch them over again as they are an intrinsic part of the story.

I am happy though. I have some silly text messages and photos that bring back the short time I had with him before he left. I am so glad I had Goldfinch in my life. He is still in my life really – just as my favourite penpal now.

Do You Remember?

juice.pngDo you remember how I would kiss you on the cheek and ask you if you would like a drink?

I would return within a minute with a glass of apple and mango juice for you. I noticed you liked mango very early on. I always made sure I bought a bottle of some kind of fruit blend with mango and had it chilled waiting for you in the fridge.

friedThen I would head back to the kitchen and start to prepare breakfast for you. I remember the first day we had breakfast together. I remember exactly how you ordered your eggs even now over eighteen months later.

The first time I ever made your breakfast you were surprised and said I had made your favourite. Every thing you liked, everything you enjoyed, all of your preferences – I was absorbing it all. Treasuring it all within my heart.

Vector illustration of woman cooking with recipe book.I loved loving you. I still love loving you. What I find hard is that there are so many ways I would like to show love to you. I would love to go shopping and think about all the flavours you like. I would love to search through cookery books looking for recipes to excite you. I would love to cook your favourite dishes.  I would love to wash and iron your shirts and even your handkerchiefs.

I think what is killing me…is that the only way I have to express my love for you now, is through words. I ration out the amount of times I say “I miss you” because I don’t want you to feel bad. I always try to have something cheery and fun to share, so that you think I am fine. And I am fine really. Except for intensely missing you. Only I feel I have to keep that to myself, because I don’t want to be a burden to you.

Sigh. Thank you for all these wonderful memories that warm my heart, brighten my day, and fill my eyes with tears. I love you.