Tag Archives: love

My Fox

My heart still skips a beat every time an email from Goldfinch appears in my inbox.

Fox, Nature, Animals, Roux, Fauna

I think I have told you before that he loves foxes. I see foxes most days, usually when it is dark, but occasionally in daylight. They seem to like living in this neighbourhood.

Whenever I see a fox, I think of Goldfinch. I adore him so much. My fox – my wholesome rogue – who does not want to be shackled.

When I Have The Chance To Sit Down With A Big Cup of Tea

I have to admit, my blog has in some ways become as long and hard to tame as my hair. I ought to claim an hour as my own and try to check some of the links (it frightens me to think of how many links must be “broken” or out of date).

I have put together a list of The STORM IN A TEACUP Series posts. It was just one week, one week of drama and emotions and weirdness. I really do look back at it all now and wonder how it became so impossibly awkward between Jack and I. But it is all in the past – thank goodness!

Life is a funny business at times – but my goodness, life is exhilarating!

Would You Like A Cup Of Tea?

What Happened After That Cup Of Tea?

What Did Suzie Have To Say About It?

What Did Marta Have To Say About It?

What Did Ella Have To Say About It?

What Did His Friends Have To Say About It?

Something Was Brewing… And It Certainly Was Not Another Cup Of Tea!

Would There Be Another Cup Of Tea?

It Gets Very Hot In The Kitchen

What Did Jack Have To Say About It?

Nobody Else Really Understood

Cats and Dogs

This was originally a letter to Goldfinch…

Have you and I ever discussed which is a better pet?  I only wonder because I feel as if I have had discussions with scores of friends and workmates.  It is not a topic I raise, but I am happy to throw my pennies worth of opinion in… not that I have a strong opinion really.  I can only relate my past experiences.  You might not want to bother reading all about the cats and dogs in my life….but I have added my conclusion to the end of this e-mail….which you may or may not agree, but I would be grateful if you would glance over my conclusion when you have a couple of minutes to humour me.

Cats and Dogs


When I was a kiddo living under the care and protection of my very lovely parents, of course we would have loved to have numerous pets running around the house.  But with seven hungry children to provide for, mum and dad could not oblige our repeated pleas. Before my living memory apparently there were some birds*, in a cage in my brother’s room.  Apparently, our pet cat got in my brother’s room and although she could not get into the cage, she terrorised the birds so much that they dropped off their perches and were found lifeless on the floor of the cage. But that was way before my conscious memories.

tabby.jpgI remember being very fond of the first cat we have within my living memory.  Our next-door neighbours moved and left their cat behind, so we took her in.  She was a very tiny tabby named Tamara. I adored her. One of my younger sisters used to dress her in dolls clothes…which I am sure Tamara did not particularly enjoy.  She was a naughty cat…she has eaten sandwiches left on the kitchen side and jumped onto the dinner table and started to tuck in to as much roast chicken as she could before my parents would react. I was always horrified when Tamara had killed a bird… she killed a lot of birds*.  She was tiny but clearly a very successful hunter. I was devastated when Tamara died. I did not want another cat because I thought it was like trying to replace Tamara.  But my sister said she could not live without a cat.

So, we ended up with two tiny kittens, which we thought were both toms… we named them Tiggles and Giggles. Giggles turned out to be a female.  After a few weeks she disappeared. We never found her. Dad said she might have found another home because cats sometimes just go wherever they are fed.  One of my sisters became rather obsessive with Tiggles. She liked to keep him in her room.  She went through a stage of saying he was her best friend and the only one who understand her, the only one she liked.  The first time Tiggles caught a bird* and brought it into the house my dad and I were horrified, and we chased Tiggles out of the house. That seemed to be enough discouragement.  We never saw Tiggles catching birds again.

Tiggles ended up becoming a big lollopy cat.  He was not fat, but he was a magnificent tom who seemed to enjoy being adored.  He would bathe in the sunshine.  I remember whenever we had guests, he liked to parade in front of them as if he was to be worshipped.  We had some rather important dignitaries at our house once, they came to interview me when I was a teenager about something apparently remarkable I had done and later had me up in front of thousands of people as an example for other teenagers. Tiggles jumped up on their knees and started waving his behind in their faces.  Goodness…he was one arrogant kitty.  I also remember a friend of my mum’s (a very Welsh lady) gave Tiggles some cat-nip. How embarrassing to watch Tiggles under the influence of some cat-mind altering substance…it was so bizarre to see his behaviour. One night our next-door neighbours knocked on the door to say they saw a cat by the side of the road and they thought it might be Tiggles….it was! Now… don’t tell my sister but my Dad and I strongly suspected that it was our next-door neighbour that hit Tiggles. His driving was furious, and we often saw him tearing around the corner at very high speeds… plus they were not the type to be concerned unless they were in the car that hit Tiggles.

I remember the homes of friends who had cats. Jan had eight cats and had turned her entire back yard into a giant cat cage. It was the same size as the ground floor of her house but surrounded by wooden posts and chicken wire. Some of her cats were gigantic, Jan was tiny, so frankly,  it was odd to see her pick one of her massive cats up and see that she was most definitely the boss lady. They all loved Jan….and she was an expert on cats. They were all beautifully kept and she used to give out a lot of advice to other cat owners when she was unsatisfied about their condition. She only stopped collecting when she married Paul who was allergic to cats!

Cat, Cats, Animals, Handsome, PetMy good friend Lauren lived in the countryside with her husband and the two youngest of her five children. She had two cats. One a ginger tom who seemed generally was the one who preferred to be made a fuss of. Both cats were pretty hot hunters, but the female the better. One time I had just arrived after a three-and-a-half-hour drive. Lauren would always insist on my sitting down and having a cuppa and some of the cake she had baked before I took my things up to their guest room. But on this occasion Lauren and her daughter Patricia seemed a bit uneasy when I sat on the sofa on my arrival. They seemed to want me to go and talk to Pete who never desired anyone else’s company. I obeyed. Later they confessed, their female cat had just dragged in a rabbit and was sitting behind the sofa I had first sat on tearing it to pieces. Yuck!

Mary and her husband, the older couple I lodged with when I first left home had a cat….it was 17 years old.  Jan had a 17 year old cat. Ethel who was 93 had a 17 year old cat. Louisa who was 96 had a 17 year old cat.  Ruth who was 94 had a 17 year old cat. Donna had 4 cats…one of her cars was 17 years old. I wondered if there was something in the water in West Berkshire for there to be so many ancient cats (and amazing women in their nineties).


We never had a dog at home. We wanted one, but Mum and Dad told us it would be too much hard work and it would not be fair to a dog.  The cats we had were so independent and not much trouble at all. We fed them, they would come when they wanted and leave when they wanted. They liked affection from us, but they also seemed to have a secret life of their own and a gang of playmates and enemy cats that occupied most of their time. But when they saw we were home, they appeared pawing at the door wanting to come in for some warmth, or food or affection. Mum and Dad told us how dogs need to be walked regularly and how much mess they can make and how lonely they can get when we were all out at school or work. I think we all accepted that it would be cruel to have a dog in our household, and we didn’t want to be cruel.

So, my experience with dogs is limited to looking after other people’s dogs when they were on holiday. Usually I also had to move into the home of the dog-owners, so I would be there to feed, walk and provide company for their beloved canines. I remember a lovely sheepdog named Jess… what a joy she was. Then there was Queenie. The house that Queenie lived in was extended. They built a huge kitchen and a pool house with an indoor swimming pool. During the time the work was done there was a lot of noise and disturbance and it completely spooked Queenie. Queenie would howl all night when she was alone, so the owners had to move her basket upstairs to their bedroom for her to sleep near them. So, when they went away and I moved in, I had to have the dog basket with me in the guest room for Queenie to sleep. Only would she sleep? I remember finding any time a part of me was too near to the edge of the bed, a foot, a hand, my face…Queenie would find it and a moment later she would have bestowed a heap of dog slobber all over me.  She snored, she would march around the bed tirelessly breathing heavily. Every now and then she would heave herself on to the bed beside me and wake me up by licking my face. She was very smelly, ate enormous quantities of food which resulted in enormous steaming heaps which we had to scoop up when we were out taking her for a walk. Her owners always told me that whenever the front door rang I must shut Queenie in the kitchen otherwise she might bolt out of the front door and into the road. Well one day, she managed to run out of the front door and galloped down the road. I telephoned home and Dad and two of my sisters came down and we all searched the surrounding area until eventually we found Queenie.

Then there was Toby… I really liked Toby. He was very handsome miniature schnauzer who did not slobber and was very well behaved. His owner loved him as did the whole family. I remember going for walks with Toby in stunning parts of the Berkshire countryside. Toby was the perfect dog to walk…he seemed to think he had won Crufts the way he paraded when we were out walking. He never reacted to other dogs, he had an air of superiority about him. Toby was probably the best behaved canine I ever spent time with. He had a regal air about him.

Sparticus and China were both springer spaniels… I loved them both. I knew Sparticus as an elderly dog….Sparticus seemed very fond of me. China I knew as a puppy… I saw him destroy everything he could reach… I had a fright when he escaped somehow and went running up the lane…which was notoriously dangerous… just why a narrow windy lane had a 60mph speed limit I never understood. Then there was the time he managed to get into the cellar and chewed threw a tub of rat poison… poor China would have died if not for the vet coming out so quickly with an anti-dote.  But he did suffer!

There are many other dogs I have walked and cared for while their owners were not around… too many to mention. One smoky grey Great Dane I remember was a joy and a bundle of energy and slobber….but one day I left a book on the table which his teeth destroyed including two post cards which were well over 100 years old which an older man I care for had given me as a momento. I loved had been treasuring them.  That brute chomped them with his teeth!!!

Dog, Girl, Fence, Pet, Owner, CompanionI have always loved going for walks in the countryside with the dogs I cared for and I kind of like the constant companionship dogs seem to want and to offer in return… but Mum and Dad were right… dogs seem to be a bigger responsibility. They seem to need more than cats. The seem to be more dependant on their owners. However, they seem to give a lot too. It is nice to see a dog’s reaction when you walk in the door because they have missed you. No matter what else a dog finds entertaining, the highlight of a dog’s life seems to be stimulation and affection from their owner. Dogs are renowned for their loyalty to their owners. Whereas a cat seems to come and go enjoy food wherever it feels it is best quality. A cat seems to choose if and when it wants company and affection and although seeming to enjoy it, is equally capable of being very cool and secretive about where it disappears to when it leaves the house. You cannot ask a cat “just where have you been?”

* Birds:

Cat, Bird, Cage, Hunt, Hunting, Pet

Dadda often rescued birds that Tamara was trying to get her claws into. He also rescued birds that had flown into our patio door and fallen to the ground stunned. He has massaged the chest until their hearts seemed to start beating again and they could flutter away. I think maybe my Dad had a love of birds more than cats or dogs… but Dad especially liked them to be free, out in the wild, not at all in a cage.


I am starting to think that with regards to the connection you and I have… you resemble the feline and I the canine!!! And I have to admit, I don’t think I have ever been involved with a cat before!

dog with ball.jpgI feel like a puppy who is so excited to see her master and wants to be pleasing…rather disappointed when I feel I might not have been pleasing. I long for a little reassuring pat and to hear “good girl!” I only have eyes for one. When you leave me, I am a little sulky and forlorn while you are absent. If you threw a ball or a stick I would play with you with loving adoration. I reap so much inner joy from all the contact and playtimes I have with you. And am hopelessly loyal to you. I have scores of close friends I am finding it hard to keep up with, but you have become the highlight of each day.

Whereas…you my lovely rogue… are more like the independent kitty…who comes and goes with an air of mysteriousness and I am left to wonder what you have been up to… but I have a feeling that is what you want. I long for moments snuggling up close to you. When you do come…and I feed you (and I enjoy doing so) you are wonderfully tactile and seductive, and I feel as intimate with you as any other man I have had a relationship with after years of prior friendship. I just have to live with the idea that there is a good chance you are being fed equally well elsewhere and there are others who like to curl up with you and enjoy your cool confident touch. And that it suits you to come and enjoy being the object of affection and infatuation and then go and retain your independence… leaving your lover bewildered as to who else is making a fuss of you elsewhere. Maybe I should start buying smoked salmon or something more alluring?

But ultimately… the way I am going to regard you is as a magnificent and beautiful bird who I do not want to in anyway restrict or encage… I want you to be able to feel free to fly but hope you will return to someone who is inspired and elated by you. One day you will fly away… and I will remember you as a man who made my spirits soar.

It’s strange for me though Goldfinch…

…still I can tell I am falling for you.

Look What The Tide Brought In

So now I know what I have to do. I have to keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide will bring in?

Chuck Noland – CASTAWAY

I love Jack, and I feel at peace about out past. But for some reason, sometimes I feel a wave of panic as a recollection of the past overwhelms me. I think that is partly to do with the sense of belonging and purpose at the heart of our relationship. It was so obvious from very early on that we were perfect for each other. The dramatic twists and dark descents our connection endured was confusing and challenging and crushing.

The sense of loss when I had to flee from London was immense, profound. The physical injuries, the traumatic memories of being attacked – they were one thing – but what was worse was the separation, the estrangement from the man who had made such an impact on me.

Jack was in my veins. I don’t remember a day passing when he was not in my thoughts. But with those thoughts, came tears. The situation seemed so impossible. Yet I could not see beyond him. Goldfinch was a blessing. Perhaps if Goldfinch had wanted to share a life with me, eventually I would have been able to see beyond Jack. But Goldfinch’s plans did not involve me. We are still in touch. We were emailing just last night.

What I did not dare to dream about is that one day the sun would rise….and the tide would bring Jack back into my life. Those years of hope being attacked on all sides, family and friends criticising him, telling me to forget him, cut him off, people telling me to accept “destiny”….I was so relieved when their words dried up.

Jack is still ideal for me….and he tells me he has never met with anyone he has clicked with on every level like me. It is astonishing that we survived the storm. The nightmare passed.

Filey, Beach, Yorkshire, Seascape

Do You Remember?

juice.pngDo you remember how I would kiss you on the cheek and ask you if you would like a drink?

I would return within a minute with a glass of apple and mango juice for you. I noticed you liked mango very early on. I always made sure I bought a bottle of some kind of fruit blend with mango and had it chilled waiting for you in the fridge.

friedThen I would head back to the kitchen and start to prepare breakfast for you. I remember the first day we had breakfast together. I remember exactly how you ordered your eggs even now over eighteen months later.

The first time I ever made your breakfast you were surprised and said I had made your favourite. Every thing you liked, everything you enjoyed, all of your preferences – I was absorbing it all. Treasuring it all within my heart.

Vector illustration of woman cooking with recipe book.I loved loving you. I still love loving you. What I find hard is that there are so many ways I would like to show love to you. I would love to go shopping and think about all the flavours you like. I would love to search through cookery books looking for recipes to excite you. I would love to cook your favourite dishes.  I would love to wash and iron your shirts and even your handkerchiefs.

I think what is killing me…is that the only way I have to express my love for you now, is through words. I ration out the amount of times I say “I miss you” because I don’t want you to feel bad. I always try to have something cheery and fun to share, so that you think I am fine. And I am fine really. Except for intensely missing you. Only I feel I have to keep that to myself, because I don’t want to be a burden to you.

Sigh. Thank you for all these wonderful memories that warm my heart, brighten my day, and fill my eyes with tears. I love you.

Learning About Life

“I have learned so many things, Father. Not just how to make vichyssoise or … a sauce vinaigrette, but a much more important recipe. I have learned how to live, how to be in the world and of the world, and not just to stand aside and watch. And I will never, never again run away from life, or from love, either.”

Sabrina Fairchild

I have a friend who keeps asking me what is the story between Goldfinch and Jack. She seems to think I just flitted between the two of them out of a fickle nature.

Already I have shared with her my story several times, but she still seems to think very little of my relationships. I get tired of explaining what at the end of the day is between myself and Goldfinch, and myself and Jack.

One thing I do know is that before I was attacked, other people were influencing me too much when it came to my relationships. Other people, friends, colleagues and strangers made it impossible to enjoy a relationship with Jack at all.

I learnt how to not be so easily influenced, not be so worried about what others thought when they did not know my true situation. I may well have learnt how to live I guess. I was not going to be running away any more – neither from life, nor from love.

Jack Performed A Miracle!

Two years ago, I came back from Australia and found that all of the photographs I had taken with my tablet had vanished from the camera files – yesterday, Jack somehow found them.

Breathe. Yes, it is true. I was so broken hearted when my photographs just were not there. They were not there. I checked and re-checked, and cried and cried again. None of my photographs from my summer with Goldfinch. I had one picture, of his kitchen, of a cake I made. That’s all I had.

A year later I planned to return to Australia and determined that I could not travel to the other side of the planet and be without a single photograph, I bought myself a camera as I no longer trusted my tablet. Of course, it was impossible for me to travel last year as Australia closed it’s borders due to the threat of Covid-19. I know that decision was made to protect the citizens of Australia – but honestly, it was a huge blow to my heart.

Australia, Continent, Aerial View

Of course, I am not really sure why I was going out the visit Goldfinch again when I was in a relationship with Jack. But one of the reasons was the loss of all of those photographs. I seemed to need some sort of proof that I had travelled across the world to see the man I loved, the father of my little apricot. Many of my photos were kangaroos, koalas, kookaburras, bandicoots, trees, hills, birds, public buildings in Adelaide’s centre, art in galleries, and some were of Goldfinch and myself. It was hard to lose all of it. I think I was prepared to travel all the way back there in the hopes of collecting lots more photos and videos – that would help me to enjoy special memories forever.

My tablet is on it’s last legs. I hardly ever use it anymore. Jack was playing around with it at the weekend because he was trying to forward emails from my inbox. He said he had downloaded some files onto my tablet and could not find them. He started messing around with the settings of the tablet and doing things that I cannot understand. As he was searching for the files he wanted, he came across some pictures of Goldfinch and me. He showed them to me, and said that I looked very happy.

I could not believe my eyes!! I could not believe what I was seeing. There were over a hundred photographs that I had taken when I was out in Adelaide, and videos too.

I cannot understand it! I cannot believe it! But they are there. Jack helped me to blue-tooth them on to my laptop. Then we sat together and looked at them together. They bring back so many deeply happy memories. I can’t explain my joy. I am so immensely grateful to Jack. He has somehow miraculously resurrected photographs that I thought were lost forever.

It might not seem that big a deal, but to me, it’s such a huge gain. I am just blown away that two years after I cried my heart out believing those photographs were all gone, Jack has somehow restored them.

This may sound silly, and of course, it is all probably because I know nothing about technology – but if does feel as if Jack has performed a miracle. He gave me back something I thought was gone forever. He gave me back my special memories with Goldfinch in Australia. The ironic thing is, the way it happened. It ended up with me curled up in Jack’s arms, tears streaming down my face, and him kissing me because he could see how much it meant to me. If I had never lost those photos, perhaps I would have been tempted to keep them from Jack, and enjoy those memories in private. But now…well, it has brought me closer to Jack, made me more grateful to him…that he has brought these photos back and is sharing them with me.

A Very Special And Heart Warming Collaboration

Behind the scenes of this year’s GREAT BLOGGERS’ BAKE OFF, scores of bloggers have been helping us with a secret project. In fact, we now know that at least one hundred people have taken part in this project, and we think others (friends, family and colleagues of those we invited to take part) – making this special project a truly international collaboration.

Very soon, we are about to reveal the results of a collaboration between over a hundred men, women and children (and also dogs), the majority of whom have never met each other. The collaborators are spread all over the world, Asia, Australia, Africa, Europe, North and South America, even two of our colleagues in Kabul have collaborated on this project.

Some of you know exactly what we are referring to, others may be wondering what it is that we have been working on behind the scenes. Well, in an hour from now, we are going to publish what we call THE GREAT BLOGGERS’ PATCHWORK OF LOVE. It will display over a hundred replies to one question that we asked people of all ages, all backgrounds and in all parts of the globe.

The question we asked them was:

The result, the patchwork we are now thrilled to be able to present to you is something that has truly warmed our hearts.

We left everyone we asked to interpret that question however they wished. Some told us what love feels like inwardly. Some told us about how love manifests itself outwardly. Others told us what or who they love. Some gave us just a one word answer – “family” of course being by far the post popular. Others gave us a fascinating sentence. One or two, were unable to stick to the one sentence limit we asked of them. So, because what they said was so special, we decided to try to squeeze their response into the patchwork.

But the point is – there are no wrong answers. We received replies from over a hundred people in all parts of the earth telling us what love means to them. When one person told me that to them “love is money”, at first my heart sunk. But I realized, it would be wrong to leave that reply out, it has to be in the patchwork. All of the replies had to be in the patchwork.

You will see a variety of replies, which tell a story. You will see common themes. You will see that some seemed to think when we asked what love meant to them, we were asking about romance, others interpreted the question completely differently. Every single reply matters! Over one hundred strangers sharing their heart – that’s an insight into the entire human family!

Photo by Josh Sorenson on Pexels.com

Actually, it has become quite fascinating. They have created something very special between them, something that will make you smile, warm your heart, and in some cases provoke tears. We have been faffing around with graphics for several days now and the patchwork is finally ready!!! The result is a powerful creative piece. Take your time over it. Over a hundred people, a hundred beating hearts, worked on this project with you, and it has produced something exceptional!