That Was Me

I was supposed to be spending time with friends today. But I was so wound up after yesterday. I decided I couldn’t go rushing around London like I normally do at the weekend. That was me in the sunglasses, hiding teary eyes. I was the one who was walking as if I was on a mission. A mission to let my mind wander back to Adelaide, Australia.

I needed a bit of time on my own. Just to be allowed to think of the man that I love. Call me the impossible romantic, but I needed to think of him more than I needed to be with my friends today. For some reason I feel as if the current here, the flow of the tide, is against me and Goldfinch. Suddenly I sense an air of match-making has risen again. Talk of when I am going to settle down. Questions suggesting I am not being realistic, that I don’t know what’s best for me.

I am fighting to keep hold of my dreams of being with him. I don’t like that it often feels like a dream. But the desire to be with him is always burning away, and today I needed to let myself think over all that happened while I was in Australia. It is all mine, my own diamond mine of memories that keep the dream alive.

Sometimes, fighting to keep your own dream alive makes you feel a bit crazy. But I tried earlier this year. I went on two dates with another man – and it was not for me. Not while I am in love with a tall gorgeous Australian.

I ended up walking across London. I am a walker. I was a few miles from where I used to live, I didn’t want to go too close to my old flat, so I took a different route. I was walking down a lane just off a busy high street where there are some pretty shops, cafes and agencies. It’s the kind of place you only go if you know it’s there hidden away. It’s been a favourite place of mine since I was introduced to it by a close friend. I had a shock. After my memory of him yesterday, it could not have been more unfortunate timing. To think that at 4pm on Saturday afternoon, Jack and I could be walking along the same cobbled little road. He was with a couple of other men. One I recognised, the other I did not. All the miles I walked today. I had just been randomly walking simply to be on my own and to allow myself to think about my time in Australia.

Can you imagine how I felt? I didn’t run. I carried on walking, hoping my big sunglasses had disguised me. Did he even see me? I was scared to turn my head.

NOTE TO SELF: Do not leave home without a hood or a hat!

And I was reminded of something I think I realized long ago. I have lost hope of ever having a friendship with Jack. But because of that, I find it hard to hope in anything real with Goldfinch or anyone else. It all seems like an unattainable dream. A dream I have to fight to keep alive.

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Learning From My Mum’s Expressions And Example

Back in June, Suze, the creator of suziland too or obsolete childhood, tagged me for a “3.2.1 Quote Me!” Challenge!!!

https://suziland.site/2019/05/22/notices-and-challenges/

The “3.2.1 Quote Me!” Challenges originate with Rory, the creator of A Guy Called Bloke, and this was his original post for this topic:

https://aguycalledbloke.blog/2019/05/20/321-quote-me-expression-2/

Rules

Thank the Selector  – THANK YOU SUZE!

Post 2 quotes for the dedicated Topic of the Day.  

Select 3 bloggers to take part in ‘3.2.1 Quote Me!’ 

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Topic: EXPRESSION

I just did not know which direction to go in with this topic. In itself, the word “expression” has several different definitions, it can be a phrase, a facial mannerism that conveys emotions, or it can be an act of communicating one’s thoughts or feelings. In the end I chose two quotes that are slightly different interpretations of the word “expression”.

This is something my mum taught me.  She is such a beautiful person – inside and out. I never heard her say unkind things about others, even those who she had a right to complain about. She is mild and delightful.

When somebody provokes me, I try to think of my lovely mum – the personification of grace and tact and diplomacy. I am so grateful to have a wonderful mum who has set such a good example for us. Unless there is a complete eeeey-yat in front of you who clearly seeks to harm you, always choose to be lovely and kind – like my mum!

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Here is another quote that struck a chord with me. I think that my mum and my dad set a wonderful example in being the best kind of humans. From the youngest age I saw them, not only caring for the seven of us children, but caring for others too.

They have always been kind and helpful. People in our home town loved my parents. They nurtured in us the quality of thinking about other people and showing that we care.

Probably the role where my ability to care for others was most tapped into was working in health care – specifically with patients with terminal illnesses. Aaaaah sigh! Perhaps the most demanding, but definitely the most rewarding and meaningful time of my life.

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My Three Nominees

 martinfamilybrighton – Martins On The Edge

 Davo & Loz – Wombatical Downunder

  thetravellingwilbennetts

 

Not Going To Get To Me

Earlier today I read a post from Cyranny, the creator of Cyranny’s Cove:

Just thinking…

She sounded a bit frustrated. 😦  If you haven’t already please do send some love via her post.

I had a funny day today (various reasons), but a few things almost pushed me to have a wobbley. But I didn’t! I kept it together and just kept focused on reaching the end of the day.

A certain song came to mind today. It came to mind because I just kept on telling myself to shake it off. And then…came a memory. A memory that added to my general feeling of “about to crack up”. The memory is the last time I was at a karaoke party with Jack.

Jack and me were both famed for loving karaoke. We have often been at karaoke parties. We have been cajoled by others who wanted us to sing duets together. Around twelve days before I was attacked, a friend of mine sent a round robin message to lots of friends asking if anyone was free that night (it was a Wednesday evening) for an impromptu karaoke party. Around forty of us turned up.

I arrived late because after work I used to go every Wednesday to help a lady who had severe physical illness. When I arrived at the karaoke party there was no sign of Jack. Phew! So I threw myself into the singing with gusto. After I had been there for about an hour my friend decided to tell me Jack had been one of the first to arrive at the party. Apparently he had got the singing going and then had left. My friend commented that he left just after she told him I was going to come, but I would be late.

This was something I did not want to know. It was provoking on so many counts. Why did my friend think I needed to hear that? And then there was the mixed feelings: Does Jack really want to avoid me as much as I want to avoid him? What would others say about him and I after that night? Why couldn’t Jack and I just sit down and work out our rift? When would this ever end?

Well…I was so wound up that I picked a song that is not in my normal karaoke repertoire – Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off”. I was so wound up that I let it go on the little stage. I was belting it out. I was dancing my crazy weird dance – shaking it!

Right then and there I cared about nothing! I was so ready to burst with the frustration and pain of the whole Jack situation, that I was jumping about and dancing like some kind of fruitcake. I remember there were a bunch of girls who were about eighteen who thought I was cool! Another of my friends accused me of twerking – I was not! However, I was pretty full on, not a care in the world, crazy dancing.

And then…as I turned around after doing my crazy shaky dance…there he was! Jack was stood there watching me. Ugggghhhhh! Grrrrrrrrr!

What a memory! The last person I wanted to see me making a fool of myself. And it was all because of him that I did it! Anyway…it still works on many levels, when everyone is pushing your buttons and you feel yourself about to explode…let it go. Just promise yourself that as soon as you reach home you will YouTube Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” and do your crazy shaky dance in the privacy of your own home.

The Road Of Life

Life! Many have likened our life course to a road. So many twists and turns along the way. Have you ever felt a little frustrated at not knowing what is ahead on your own personal roadway? I must admit, I find I need to have a huge long-term goal ahead, to provide me with that sense of purpose in order to deal with obstacles and difficulties along the way.

AAA.com

Since I came back from Australia, I have made some significant changes. Today was my last day at a job I have had for just over a year. I really liked my colleagues. After a year I still felt sometimes as if I wasn’t as much of an asset as I would normally like to be for my employer. There were just some aspects to the job that were challenging to me to grasp. So I concentrated on what I could do well.

So next week my routine will be entirely different from Monday onwards. I will be away a lot more, visiting a family member who is very ill. So I will be making a lot of use of WordPress Schedule facility to try to have a little post each day. Hopefully I will have more lovely photos for you from Wales too!

So I am going to keep putting one for in front of another. Because that is what we do. We go on, never quite sure what is around the corner. But having a destination in mind, a purpose, we are ready to face anything that may come along.

My next steps are going to be round the corner to Sainsburys supermarket to buy goat’s butter (my latest addiction), marmalade and salad. Then it is an eight minute walk home before I get changed and head out to meet some friends. It’s Friday! It’s the weekend!!!

PS – don’t tell Gary that I included a U2 video in this post – we are not supposed to like them at all!

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Fandango’s Flash Fiction Challenge #29

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Love Me Like You Do

 

Goldfinch has a lot to do before he returns to Australia. So I honestly don’t know how many times I will see him before he goes. I am more than willing to travel up to the Midlands. Anyway…

…oh my achey breaky heart!…

Yesterday, all I wanted to think about was Goldfinch. The dress above is the dress I was wearing when I met Goldfinch – I like it, but it is a bit mumsy. I wore it yesterday because it reminds me so much of the night I met him. Thinking back to that night, I had curled my hair the night before, so my hair was kind of wavy and I had it loose and long. I cannot remember my footwear.

I do remember my phone fell out of my pocket that night. I only realized the next morning. He took me to find it the next day after we met for breakfast. He noticed the mobile phone I use is an old battered Nokia. He calls it the old tin can and string phone.  Which reminds me, people send me messages which look like this:  Hi [] [] How are you? [] [] [] Are you free tonight? [] [] [] [] [] [] [] []. I am left to use my imagination to interpret what those boxes might mean. Who knows what I could be agreeing to? They are obviously some kind of emoji or symbol. But if someone uses a lot of them…it looks rather strange on my old Nokia phone.

The dress I wore the day after I met him, when we had breakfast together was royal blue. Perhaps I was over dressed for breakfast, but I only had a choice between nice dresses and old jeans with me and I was not ready for him to see me in my old worn out jeans. I still prefer to wear dresses for Goldfinch. Although he has seen me in my old jeans too. Have I told you lately how much I love him?

I had a lot of running round to do though yesterday. I saw some friends in the afternoon. Somebody (a male friend) who I have already told in polite terms to back off, bought me chocolates.

I didn’t want them. But I decided I would give them to someone else. Well, I was passing work and I saw my Italian colleague I mentioned in a post yesterday was still there. So I jumped off the bus and went and knocked on the door (I didn’t have my keys) and I managed to sneak the chocolates in.

I have decided on a song that I want to include in a post when I eventually share with you my grand goodbye to Goldfinch. I have been thinking about it for ages, and today I finally settled on the perfect song!

I am going to start working on my Goodbye Goldfinch post now…and work on it a little bit at a time, because leading up to the day, it will be so overwhelming! In the meantime…I love the line in this song: “what are you waiting for?”

 

 

The Great Phone Dilemma

Most of my friends know that I am pretty hopeless when it comes to mobile phones. I wasn’t always quite so dysfunctional as I am now. I completely ignore my mobile phone when I am at home, I have a landline. My new mobile does not receive signal in this house. A guy recently told me that the reason nobody can get mobile signal in this house is because of the underfloor heating. Who knows if he is right? We had just presumed that it is because the walls are so solid.

For years my mobile phone was always someone else’s cast off. People would give me a phone and I would pay to top up the credit Eventually someone introduced me to a smart phone. Along with the smartphone came Instagram, Whatsapp and other phone apps (I cannot remember what they were all called) which gave me the chance to send and receive communications with photos and videos as well as text.

I was baffled by the hundreds of photos that arrived on a daily basis – what people were having for breakfast, lunch, dinner, their pets, their new this, their new that, their dream this and their dream that, holiday spam, nights out on the town, days out at the fair, even pregnancy scans – it was all becoming a bit nuts! What was weird was the scale – the sheer quantity of posts and that the interconnections were so vast and sprawling.

You may be aware, if you have read my STORM IN A TEA-CUP series that I had a very bad experience which was magnified by the use of these – what do they call them? – social media apps? Rumours and gossip, slander spread like wildfire. The subjects of which were Jack and me. Anyway…I have not had a smart phone for the past four years.

When I was in Australia I promised Goldfinch I will get myself one as it will make it easier to keep in touch with him, Only…I haven’t yet. I am so reluctant. I want to be able to communicate more easily with Goldfinch, but I dread the thought of having the burden of a smart phone again. What a dilemma! Only I love him you see. Have I mentioned that before? And love makes you do things you don’t really want to do.

I have a little basic phone – which is really lousy I have to admit. It won’t allow me to send text messages to Australia. I often forget to take it out with me. My friends get cross because they are ringing and texting my mobile and it is on my bedside table or in a coat pocket in my closet.

I find it very hard to use. The key pad is strange and it takes forever to type a message. So I have been sending less and less text messages. Nowadays I use my landline a lot and I use e–mails a lot. And the mobile phone is forgotten, neglected and abandoned.

However…today, I had to show a builder around my flat. And I noticed my debit card and my little mobile were on the coffee table, so I picked them up and put them in my pocket. And it was because the phone was in my pocket that I felt it buzzing (I keep it on silent all the time) and pulled it out of my pocket.

Can you imagine my delight when I saw it was Goldfinch???!!! I was happy right down to my toes all afternoon because I heard his gorgeous voice. And I went to bed feeling so glad to be in love.

If you are in love. If you are married or in a relationship – then please do something for me. Ring your spouse or partner. It doesn’t matter if you only spoke this morning, or if they are in the next room. Just ring them and tell them that you were thinking of them and that you just called to say that you loved them.

Because something like that is priceless. it’s enough to make your loved one forget all sorts of sad things and to to feel happiness right down to their toes all day long!

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A Little Love For Breakfast

I have woken up today feeling so much happier than yesterday. Which is good because I have three longs days of work ahead of me.

I started to feel a bit low yesterday. It was weighing on my mind how it will feel once Goldfinch has gone. But I cheered myself up by chatting with family on the phone, ironing, cleaning the little nest and hanging out with friends last night.

I will be fine. But I can tell my emotions are a little bit topsy-turvy right now. I think it’s because some of those who know he is going are saying kind of silly things to me:

• You need to get on a plane and follow him
• He’s obviously not “the one”
• You’ll find someone else as soon as he is gone – they will be queuing up for you
• God has someone else in mind for you

Though I am sure any of my friends who have said similar things mean well, I am a little aghast at how little some of them know me or forget the health challenges I have to deal with. Goldfinch has been perfect for Mel Finch. He has made the past year sparkle! My regard for Goldfinch moved a long way past chemical hormonal surges to something far deeper and intrinsically valuable over the course of this year.

I found myself becoming provoked a few days ago as several people said kind of silly things to me. I found the words to try to explain to a friend how far from the truth some of the remarks I was receiving are:

“Don’t you think I would be getting on a plane to go back to Australia with Goldfinch if things were any other way? (referring to my head injuries)

It is what it is! This is my challenge, and I am doing a fantastic job of dealing with it and keeping my smiles up. And I will make sure that those who are nearest and dearest to me are as prepared as can be. I would not have allowed myself this wonderful year with Goldfinch if he didn’t know everything about my situation and what to do if I pass out or am sick.

I am not searching for the “one”…, neither do I expect my Maker to be my celestial matchmaker. Just because my Goldfinch is going to be on the other side of the planet, I am not going to be wearing a badge that reads “Come on boys!” Right now, the thought of any other man touching me makes me feel quite ill.

Love is not selfish. I am not in a Hollywood chick-flick or a romance novel. I am already blessed beyond measure, with family and friends here who have been a support, and will continue to be a support as I deal with the effects of my head injuries. Why on earth should I ask Goldfinch to stay away from his beautiful house, family, friends, for longer than he had originally intended – when my head injuries are playing games with me? Or perhaps even more unrealistic – why should I go with him to Australia, where I would have to build a new world of friends, when I have a family and world of friends who are anxious over me here…and risk becoming home-sick, lonely, isolated and forlorn – and needing to rely more and more on Goldfinch physically, or perhaps in other ways, like financially, if I am not well enough to work?

Anyway…I made my decision long ago…and even though I have come to love Goldfinch more and more and more and more…I am proving my love by giving my all and making sure when he flies away he has nothing but joyful memories.

I have not got the energy to argue with anyone who does not understand and either urges me to go with him to Australia or they flippantly say – “he is obviously not the one or you would go with him”. It’s almost cruel when people who don’t understand doubt whether I really love Goldfinch. I am going to be thanking my Maker for him for the rest of my days! However long they may be.

Whenever I look up and see birds flying free…I will smile knowing that I have made sure Goldfinch can enjoy exactly that. His wings spread wide gleefully and uplifted by the knowledge he is loved! He is  truly loved. 

I am blocking out all worries, all anxieties, all doubts and making the most of each day. I have accepted my limitations. I can skip, hop, jump and run…but I cannot fly…and I will not be flying to Australia with Goldfinch. But I will be happy knowing I made a decision based on unselfish love and I am sending him home full of love.”

Your Daily Word Prompt – Quit – November 14, 2018

FOWC with Fandango — Chemical