Sleepy Caramel

Girl, Lady, Woman, Water, Watering Can

I’ll be helping the landlords with the garden tomorrow. I am sure I will be asked to water all the flower pots and boxes. I might have to mow the lawn. I am looking forward to it.

I think they want me to cook and freeze some meals for them as well. I am guessing that means going shopping for ingredients first.

I am laying awake in bed wishing I could sleep, but a headache is keeping me awake. It won’t go. I am tired. I will go and take some ibuprofen and hope that does the trick.

I just want to say, I know there are a lot of things that may be causing you worry. But the future for this earth and all its creatures will be better than you or I can dream. I know we have to pass through a troublesome time before then. But, there are happy times ahead.

I wish Jack was here. I miss him when he is not next to me. He whispers the loveliest of dreams to me sometimes. He has so many wonderful ideas about the future.

Your Dreams Are My Dreams

I know you. I know what is in your heart.

I may have never met you, but I know that before you ever took your first breath there was something planted deep within you. I know what your treasured desires are. I know what you were designed for. I know exactly where you would thrive.

I know that one day…you will have the chance to see all that you hold dear become a reality. You see…you and I…we are family. We share the same dreams. You and I, and he and she, and them over there…if we start working together and learning from each other – we will live to see our dreams come true!!

I also know that right now, there are worries that oppress you. I know that the reminders that there are injustices, suffering, pollution and cruelty on a scale never ever seen before sometimes make you feel that those dreams of yours will never come true. But they will. They will because the person who planted those dreams in you, shares your dreams. Soon…not long now…those dreams will become reality!

Have Your Ever Had THAT Dream?

Fly, Girl, Moon, Fairy, Witch, WomanSometimes my friends and I chat about dreams. On occasion, we have had similar dreams. Apparently, I am not the only one who has had that dream where I was walking on the ceiling.

Or the dream where I walk into my boss’ office and find him sitting at his desk naked. Or the one where I am in court, waiting to be sentenced in the dock and the jury find me guilty. Or how about the one where I have forgotten to turn the taps off and the whole house is filled with water, and I have to swim through the house desperately searching for a plug so that I can let the water drain away.

Anyway…have you ever had THAT dream where you are flying? Lots of my friends have said they have had flying dreams. I have had flying dreams too. Well…the guys in this video have captured my dream!

My Heart Was Bruised By A Dream

Why do we do this to ourselves?

Why do I do this to myself?

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I dreamt of you. The reality swept over me that it was just a dream and it broke my heart.

There you were, there you were, walking towards me, your arms held out. I felt your embrace. Your head leaning against mine, your arms clinging to me. It felt as if you would never let go. You whispered into my ear that you had been a fool. You told me you wanted to take me home and that we would be together.

Your voice spoke those elusive words. You said aloud “I love you” as if it hurt you to admit it. But you meant it. Your heart beating with the knowledge that you had given in to love though you tried to resist it all this time. You spoke of the agony of the separation. The longing for someone who adores you and always seeks to lift your spirits. The awareness that nobody else has ever gone to so much trouble for you, put up with so much boorishness from you, endured so much discouragement from you.

You tried to take the sweetness I offered and tell me to my face that love is not real and that I was overly sentimental. You tried to tell me that it is impossible for you to love, that you have no wish to be attached to a woman, that you want to be free to see any woman you choose for casual connections.

But there you were. You had sought me out. You had travelled over mountain ranges and deserts to reach me. You gathered me into your arms and told me you cannot go on without me, that you need me. You begged me to come home with you and live life with you, by your side, hand in hand.

I could hardly believe the words I was hearing.

Then I woke up. The dream was falling away from my eyes, collapsing into the abyss of the night, I reached out for it desperately, but it was too late…it was gone. The cold morning sunlight had torched it into a fading smoke.

It was such a beautiful dream. It was the sum of all my inner longings, my whispered pleadings, my pent up frustrations, my fondest fantasies, my deepest desires, my silent prayers. It was such a beautiful meaningful dream. It was torture to realize that my deepest feelings had woven a nighttime fantasy and to realize in the process of waking that it was all a mirage, a figment of my imagination…and now it is all over.

My heart is bruised by a dream.

 

 

May Your Dreams Come True

Loveourplanet, Earth, Journey, Travel

I am not afraid of being alone

Without wifi or a phone

For it doesn’t matter where I may be

I walk through life merrily

Since childhood I have been lifted by my dreams

They’re the reason my smile beams

They light up each day, help me sleep at night

My dreams are my guiding light

I’ve guarded them for years so they don’t fade

And many times I have prayed

I don’t dream of fame, fortune, power or wealth

Or anything for myself

All my hopes are for better times ahead

When no one feels any dread

The whole human family living in peace

When violence and wars cease

All of earth’s creatures are healthy and thrive

It feels great to be alive

My father has promised oh so much more

A grand future is in store

He will wipe out death, tears, sorrow and pain

We’ll see our loved ones again

The giver of life will heal every heart

And you too can have a part

This world offers nothing of greater worth

Than life in paradise earth

Soon the day when the whole human race cheers

And forget all of their tears

For years I’ve dreamt of that wonderful day

Former things have passed away

May your dreams come true before your own eyes

Keep them focused on the prize

 

Why I Love My Early Bedtimes

Light, Photoshoot, Bed, Light, Light My favourite time of day is bed time. My early bedtimes are becoming special. After a long day at work, I eat, shower and then slip between the covers. Then I let myself dream.

I allow my mind to wander over all things wonderful. I often begin by walking through a garden, a very pretty garden that opens up onto a stunning view of picturesque landscape.

I see my family and friends and others who I don’t know. But they are all smiling and glowing with good health. They are all busy. Picking fruit from the orchard or carving out wooden furniture. They are all busy, but clearly enjoying their work.

paradise 1I see the sun’s rays dance on the surface of the lake. There are children swimming in the water squealing in delight as tiny fish swim through their fingers.

I see my great-grandmother Sarah. She died before I was ever born. But I heard stories of her when I was a little girl. She was brought back to life forty years after the end of the old system and the beginning of the new. It has been wonderful to get to know her. I will never forget my grandmother’s face when she welcomed back her mother.

My dreams before bedtime are the most wonderful part of each day. I fall asleep with my mind and heart at peace in the knowledge that all of the damage will be undone. I dream of all the wonderful scenes that will take place in our future. Our Creator cares for you and I more than we could ever imagine. All the damage will be undone. Our dreams of a happy healthy life for us and all our loved ones will come true. Our dreams of paradise will be a reality.

Good night…xx

Until We Meet Again

until we meetWhen you want somebody by your side. When you want the person you love by your side. When you want to feel their hand in yours, their arms around you, their kisses on the back of your neck.

I make my way back from Wales to London today…on my own for the journey this time (except for a hundred or so passengers on the train of course). Until we meet again my dear…it’s only in my head that you are with me. If the other passengers had any idea what is going on in my mind when I think of you, when I conjure up memories of you.

When I am with you again…I will kiss the back of your next a hundred times…maybe you will understand what that does to me.

That Was Me

that was todayI was supposed to be spending time with friends today. But I was so wound up after yesterday. I decided I couldn’t go rushing around London like I normally do at the weekend. That was me in the sunglasses, hiding teary eyes. I was the one who was walking as if I was on a mission. A mission to let my mind wander back to Adelaide, Australia.

I needed a bit of time on my own. Just to be allowed to think of the man that I love. Call me the impossible romantic, but I needed to think of him more than I needed to be with my friends today. For some reason I feel as if the current here, the flow of the tide, is against me and Goldfinch. Suddenly I sense an air of match-making has risen again. Talk of when I am going to settle down. Questions suggesting I am not being realistic, that I don’t know what’s best for me.

clinging to the dream.jpgI am fighting to keep hold of my dreams of being with him. I don’t like that it often feels like a dream. But the desire to be with him is always burning away, and today I needed to let myself think over all that happened while I was in Australia. It is all mine, my own diamond mine of memories that keep the dream alive.

Sometimes, fighting to keep your own dream alive makes you feel a bit crazy. But I tried earlier this year. I went on two dates with another man – and it was not for me. Not while I am in love with a tall gorgeous Australian.

disguise.jpgI ended up walking across London. I am a walker. I was a few miles from where I used to live, I didn’t want to go too close to my old flat, so I took a different route. I was walking down a lane just off a busy high street where there are some pretty shops, cafes and agencies. It’s the kind of place you only go if you know it’s there hidden away. It’s been a favourite place of mine since I was introduced to it by a close friend. I had a shock. After my memory of him yesterday, it could not have been more unfortunate timing. To think that at 4pm on Saturday afternoon, Jack and I could be walking along the same cobbled little road. He was with a couple of other men. One I recognised, the other I did not. All the miles I walked today. I had just been randomly walking simply to be on my own and to allow myself to think about my time in Australia.

Can you imagine how I felt? I didn’t run. I carried on walking, hoping my big sunglasses had disguised me. Did he even see me? I was scared to turn my head.

NOTE TO SELF: Do not leave home without a hood or a hat!

And I was reminded of something I think I realized long ago. I have lost hope of ever having a friendship with Jack. But because of that, I find it hard to hope in anything real with Goldfinch or anyone else. It all seems like an unattainable dream. A dream I have to fight to keep alive.

He Is Like A Dream

Moments with Goldfinch…which will soon be memories of Goldfinch…which will be like dreams.  He and I walking hand in hand through autumnal forest, finding ourselves quite alone in an enchanting glade with golden rays of sunlight streaming through the canopy above.  How beautiful to share those moments with Goldfinch, how beautiful my memories, how beautiful my dreams!

On Sunday, Goldfinch said he wished I was just down the road so that whenever he wanted he could come over and chat and hold me for a few hours.

At the moment he is a two hour drive away (but because we both tend to use the train or coach to travel, it works out closer to three hours).  It is hard to explain the excitement that builds when I am about to see him again. Hearing his Australian tones utter the words “Hey Gorgeous!” and his arms wrapping around me….aaaaah! (I know he should get his eyes tested, but we won’t worry about that right now!)

But then there is the agony of saying goodbye and having to make the journey back to my little abode without him.

Long distance relationships are not easy…I know at least one other blogger who totally understands this, as she explained her situation in a comment she sent last week.

You end up dreaming your life away because you miss each other so much. I guess I am going to have to get used to this…in the near future…two or three hours will seem like nothing.  10,100 miles is a lot further than 110 miles.  I have a lot of dreaming ahead of me.

I am sure there is a limit to how much you can tolerate of me publishing posts about my love for my Goldfinch…but remember, he is going soon…and then I will be profoundly sad…and I will surely be writing mournful dirges and odes to my long lost love.

 

FOWC with Fandango — Limit

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2018/10/01/glade/

I Dreamed A Dream

I don’t often remember my dreams. I am a heavy sleeper and most nights, I seem to close my eyes as soon as I rest my head on the pillow and then open then a few seconds later when my alarms are sounding. But I had a dream a few weeks ago that has played on my mind ever since. I was chatting to Cadie Mclendon, the creator of Cadie’s Corner after she recently published a post about a dream she had.

My brain trying to filter my thoughts, feelings, memories and experiences and translating them into a vision that made sense of what goes on inside of my mind and heart.

In my dream, I was pressured to accept a role in a live performance that would take place at a large theatre and would be filmed for television broadcast. I was reluctant, because although I have taken part in other performances, in this role I would be one of the main features of the show along with my male co-star.

But he wanted me to be in that role. The show was very important to him. He asked and asked again and again, until I finally agreed. He had led me to believe he wanted me to be part of a show that meant so much to him.

But then came the rehearsals.

The problems started during rehearsals. He was grumpy and difficult. He showed no enthusiasm. I was frantically trying to learn my lines and all of the stage directions. But when it came to the two of us rehearsing together, he would not make eye contact with me and delivered his lines in a monotone, matter-of-fact style, without any attempt to bring the lines to life and breath character into them.

I appealed to him. Right there I asked him to please put more effort into rehearsing. After all, this was his baby. He kept on making feeble excuses and claiming that it would be different on the night.

But when that night came, he was even more grumpy and awkward. I asked him what the problem was. His reaction was to grimace at me and blame me for making it difficult for him. Then just as the curtain was about to lift, he walked out. He called out that he was not going to do this. He glared at me and said: “You’re on your own Caramel!”

I had cameras pointing at me and thousands of spectators in the live audience staring at me. I was on my own to handle the opening part of the show which was designed for two people. How could I deliver the lines I had been memorizing with no one to reply with his own lines?

The level of embarrassment and awkwardness I felt was devastating. I was so mad that my co-star had begged me to take on the lead female role next to him and had now walked out and left me on stage in front of all those onlookers on my own.

So I had to be spontaneous. Somehow I managed to entertain the crowd enough to make them enjoy the show. I made them laugh. I sang and they seemed to be enjoying my performance. I just tried to throw myself into entertaining the crowds on my own, all the time hiding my angst about my co-star’s abandoning me.

It was truly the performance of a life-time. Inside I was bewildered, furious, outraged – but I hid it from all those thousands of onlookers. They sat there enjoying themselves and laughing and had no idea of my true feelings or what my co-star had done.

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Now you may have already guessed who I was dreaming about. Jack!

He chased me for months. Then when he moved in with me, he became grumpy and moody. He dragged me into the limelight, so that I was receiving unwanted attention and interest in my personal life from thousands including complete strangers. Cameras from people who never asked my permission shot photographs of me that I had no control over. And what did Jack do? He pulled out. He abandoned me to deal with the situation on my own. I think I did a pretty good job on the whole. I was always dignified and courteous no matter how invasive and offensive the attention became.

But boy did I have mixed feelings toward Jack after he thrust me up onto a stage in front of everyone and then refused to support me. He did not shoulder any responsibility.

Infuriating! Especially so as I still love him inside and out.

It’s not difficult to forgive a man you love so deeply. But while he remains so aloof and has not lifted a finger to ease the pain he initiated, it is impossible to forget.