Until We Meet Again

until we meetWhen you want somebody by your side. When you want the person you love by your side. When you want to feel their hand in yours, their arms around you, their kisses on the back of your neck.

I make my way back from Wales to London today…on my own for the journey this time (except for a hundred or so passengers on the train of course). Until we meet again my dear…it’s only in my head that you are with me. If the other passengers had any idea what is going on in my mind when I think of you, when I conjure up memories of you.

When I am with you again…I will kiss the back of your next a hundred times…maybe you will understand what that does to me.

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That Was Me

that was todayI was supposed to be spending time with friends today. But I was so wound up after yesterday. I decided I couldn’t go rushing around London like I normally do at the weekend. That was me in the sunglasses, hiding teary eyes. I was the one who was walking as if I was on a mission. A mission to let my mind wander back to Adelaide, Australia.

I needed a bit of time on my own. Just to be allowed to think of the man that I love. Call me the impossible romantic, but I needed to think of him more than I needed to be with my friends today. For some reason I feel as if the current here, the flow of the tide, is against me and Goldfinch. Suddenly I sense an air of match-making has risen again. Talk of when I am going to settle down. Questions suggesting I am not being realistic, that I don’t know what’s best for me.

clinging to the dream.jpgI am fighting to keep hold of my dreams of being with him. I don’t like that it often feels like a dream. But the desire to be with him is always burning away, and today I needed to let myself think over all that happened while I was in Australia. It is all mine, my own diamond mine of memories that keep the dream alive.

Sometimes, fighting to keep your own dream alive makes you feel a bit crazy. But I tried earlier this year. I went on two dates with another man – and it was not for me. Not while I am in love with a tall gorgeous Australian.

disguise.jpgI ended up walking across London. I am a walker. I was a few miles from where I used to live, I didn’t want to go too close to my old flat, so I took a different route. I was walking down a lane just off a busy high street where there are some pretty shops, cafes and agencies. It’s the kind of place you only go if you know it’s there hidden away. It’s been a favourite place of mine since I was introduced to it by a close friend. I had a shock. After my memory of him yesterday, it could not have been more unfortunate timing. To think that at 4pm on Saturday afternoon, Jack and I could be walking along the same cobbled little road. He was with a couple of other men. One I recognised, the other I did not. All the miles I walked today. I had just been randomly walking simply to be on my own and to allow myself to think about my time in Australia.

Can you imagine how I felt? I didn’t run. I carried on walking, hoping my big sunglasses had disguised me. Did he even see me? I was scared to turn my head.

NOTE TO SELF: Do not leave home without a hood or a hat!

And I was reminded of something I think I realized long ago. I have lost hope of ever having a friendship with Jack. But because of that, I find it hard to hope in anything real with Goldfinch or anyone else. It all seems like an unattainable dream. A dream I have to fight to keep alive.

He Is Like A Dream

Moments with Goldfinch…which will soon be memories of Goldfinch…which will be like dreams.  He and I walking hand in hand through autumnal forest, finding ourselves quite alone in an enchanting glade with golden rays of sunlight streaming through the canopy above.  How beautiful to share those moments with Goldfinch, how beautiful my memories, how beautiful my dreams!

On Sunday, Goldfinch said he wished I was just down the road so that whenever he wanted he could come over and chat and hold me for a few hours.

At the moment he is a two hour drive away (but because we both tend to use the train or coach to travel, it works out closer to three hours).  It is hard to explain the excitement that builds when I am about to see him again. Hearing his Australian tones utter the words “Hey Gorgeous!” and his arms wrapping around me….aaaaah! (I know he should get his eyes tested, but we won’t worry about that right now!)

But then there is the agony of saying goodbye and having to make the journey back to my little abode without him.

Long distance relationships are not easy…I know at least one other blogger who totally understands this, as she explained her situation in a comment she sent last week.

You end up dreaming your life away because you miss each other so much. I guess I am going to have to get used to this…in the near future…two or three hours will seem like nothing.  10,100 miles is a lot further than 110 miles.  I have a lot of dreaming ahead of me.

I am sure there is a limit to how much you can tolerate of me publishing posts about my love for my Goldfinch…but remember, he is going soon…and then I will be profoundly sad…and I will surely be writing mournful dirges and odes to my long lost love.

 

FOWC with Fandango — Limit

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2018/10/01/glade/

I Dreamed A Dream

I don’t often remember my dreams. I am a heavy sleeper and most nights, I seem to close my eyes as soon as I rest my head on the pillow and then open then a few seconds later when my alarms are sounding. But I had a dream a few weeks ago that has played on my mind ever since. I was chatting to Cadie Mclendon, the creator of Cadie’s Corner after she recently published a post about a dream she had.

My brain trying to filter my thoughts, feelings, memories and experiences and translating them into a vision that made sense of what goes on inside of my mind and heart.

In my dream, I was pressured to accept a role in a live performance that would take place at a large theatre and would be filmed for television broadcast. I was reluctant, because although I have taken part in other performances, in this role I would be one of the main features of the show along with my male co-star.

But he wanted me to be in that role. The show was very important to him. He asked and asked again and again, until I finally agreed. He had led me to believe he wanted me to be part of a show that meant so much to him.

But then came the rehearsals.

The problems started during rehearsals. He was grumpy and difficult. He showed no enthusiasm. I was frantically trying to learn my lines and all of the stage directions. But when it came to the two of us rehearsing together, he would not make eye contact with me and delivered his lines in a monotone, matter-of-fact style, without any attempt to bring the lines to life and breath character into them.

I appealed to him. Right there I asked him to please put more effort into rehearsing. After all, this was his baby. He kept on making feeble excuses and claiming that it would be different on the night.

But when that night came, he was even more grumpy and awkward. I asked him what the problem was. His reaction was to grimace at me and blame me for making it difficult for him. Then just as the curtain was about to lift, he walked out. He called out that he was not going to do this. He glared at me and said: “You’re on your own Caramel!”

I had cameras pointing at me and thousands of spectators in the live audience staring at me. I was on my own to handle the opening part of the show which was designed for two people. How could I deliver the lines I had been memorizing with no one to reply with his own lines?

The level of embarrassment and awkwardness I felt was devastating. I was so mad that my co-star had begged me to take on the lead female role next to him and had now walked out and left me on stage in front of all those onlookers on my own.

So I had to be spontaneous. Somehow I managed to entertain the crowd enough to make them enjoy the show. I made them laugh. I sang and they seemed to be enjoying my performance. I just tried to throw myself into entertaining the crowds on my own, all the time hiding my angst about my co-star’s abandoning me.

It was truly the performance of a life-time. Inside I was bewildered, furious, outraged – but I hid it from all those thousands of onlookers. They sat there enjoying themselves and laughing and had no idea of my true feelings or what my co-star had done.

______________

Now you may have already guessed who I was dreaming about. Jack!

He chased me for months. Then when he moved in with me, he became grumpy and moody. He dragged me into the limelight, so that I was receiving unwanted attention and interest in my personal life from thousands including complete strangers. Cameras from people who never asked my permission shot photographs of me that I had no control over. And what did Jack do? He pulled out. He abandoned me to deal with the situation on my own. I think I did a pretty good job on the whole. I was always dignified and courteous no matter how invasive and offensive the attention became.

But boy did I have mixed feelings toward Jack after he thrust me up onto a stage in front of everyone and then refused to support me. He did not shoulder any responsibility.

Infuriating! Especially so as I still love him inside and out.

It’s not difficult to forgive a man you love so deeply. But while he remains so aloof and has not lifted a finger to ease the pain he initiated, it is impossible to forget.

Dawn Of A Dream

The writing prompts or challenges from Teresa aka The Haunted Wordsmith are superb. There are some days when it is impossible for me to work on a post in response to them because I have so much work and running around to do, but the picture prompts especially play on my mind and give me so many ideas. I have a half an hour break and then I will be at work for another three hours. I am going to see how far I can get with Teresa’s picture prompt for today.

sun-3713835_640

As soon as I saw this picture, the word that popped into my head was “DREAM”. Something about the hazy splendour of the scene that made me want to write something beautiful. Yet I found it hard to grasp. There was a misty-eyed thought in my mind, but it was so hard to distinguish and explain.

Which is sometimes very much like a dream. Either when you wake up and the dream that moments before felt like reality seems to fade as quickly as puffs of smoke. Or like the dreams in your heart that impelled you as a child, only to meet with harsh cold sober discouragement or disillusionment, as you found that the world doesn’t always make things easy for you.

Still, what are we without a dream, without an ideal? It might at times seem an indistinct, undefinable dream, but I am sure most of us have a sense of something that spurs us on. We know that things are not really as they should be. There is a lot that is not right. We long for a fairer, safer, happier world, one in which we would be glad to wake up in the morning and look forward to all that the day promises.

woman cryingAt times challenges seem beyond our control to surmount. Even when we try to be positive, content and grateful for all we have – there are times when the injustice of either our own situation or someone else’s is like a hard slap in the face. We can become gloomy or pessimistic or even simmer with despair.

I have fought to keep my focus on my dreams. My life as a full-time volunteer kept my life orbiting around my dream, my ideal. But waking up in an ambulance three years ago yanked me away from my chosen life and career. I have had to fight to keep my chin up and keep my eyes fixed on the dream. I don’t dream of being a movie star or an astronaut or an Olympic medal holder. I dream of a fairer, safer, happier world. I am determined to keep working towards that dream, that ideal, and do every little thing I can to make my dream come true.

paradiseSeeing Teresa’s picture prompt was a tingling reminder that I have a dream, and it is a wonderful one – a world free of fear, pain, injustice, cruelty, abuse, violence. A world where everyone opens their eyes glad to be alive and looking forward to all that the day promises. I am going to keep my focus on that dream until one day, dawn arrives and that dream has come true.

Now just to explain the song I have added below…I deliberated so long about a song that expressed the dream that I hold dear…but I think I realized “Imagine” by John Lennon was the closest…but I just was not keen for some reason. So instead I added a song that sums up the feeling of having your dreams crushed. Something too many people have experienced.

Now…although this is a beautiful song, it is desperately sad…I hope that for you and for me…we will keep our focus on wonderful dreams, wonderful ideals and do everything we can to make those dreams a beautiful reality, where desperately sad is no longer something we taste, but rather deep joy and satisfaction in life.

I have to head out again to work…but it was nice to use my break-time to dwell on my dreams.

 

https://thehauntedwordsmith.wordpress.com/2018/10/26/daily-writing-challenge-26/

Cheesy Dreams

I had such an odd dream last night.  I remember it fairly vividly and have found it has been playing on my mind all day.  What do you think?  Could I have been over-indulging in cheese?  Is it cheese that is supposed to make you have odd dreams?

It started with a very familiar scene to me, paying a £5 fee to go swimming at the pool in the town where I grew up.  For some reason I had my lap top in the pool with me…and it was still working even when I dived underwater with it.  Then I decided I had finished with it so I would close it down and put it back in the changing rooms.  While it was closing down I started looking around and noticed all the tiles and grout were immaculate, pure sparkly white.  Then I headed to the changing room to put the laptop away.  For a moment I considered getting dressed and leaving because I was tired but then I recalled I had paid £5 and I had not really had a proper swim, because I had been on my laptop for so long.

 

At that instant one of my sisters came into the changing room, surprised to see me.  Lots of other people came in behind her.  I went back out to the pool.  I was about to slip into the water when I noticed I had my trainers on.  So I took them off and decided rather than return to the changing room I would leave them on a bench against the wall.  I went to the water again and noticed my purse and keys were in my hand, so I decided I would put them with my trainers.  I returned to the water, and now I was aware I had on a summer hat and sunglasses.  Back to the bench.

 

By the time I came back to the water something odd was happening.  One side of the pool had lessons starting, swimming lessons and canoeing lessons…at the same time.  Along the other side were fishermen casting their rods into the swimming pool.  So now it was just the middle of the pool where there was room to swim.  I headed over there.

 

I tried to swim a length of the pool but my route was blocked again.  There were three women sitting on the side of the pool talking and cooking on some kind of little stove.  It was a dream of course because…. what came off that stove were giant pastries, like Danish pastries with cinnamon and icing, some had thick custard.  They saw me lingering and offered to move out of the way so I could reach the water.  I said I didn’t mind stepping over them, but I was jealous of what they were making.  Anyway I finally made it into the water, but I felt so ill I had to get straight out.  That was the end of my dream!!

 

Strange hey!

 

Some parts make sense.  I love swimming.  I love clean tiles.  I love seeing freshly tiled and grouted surfaces.  My youngest sister and her husband are both tilers.  I met my brother in law when I was 16 and he was 11 when he was helping his dad tile a swimming pool.  It was one of my first volunteer projects.  I had swimming lessons for years.  I loved canoeing, but only did it in school trips and on holidays.  I knew they ran  canoeing lessons at the local pool, but my parents said they could not afford for me to go to canoeing lessons in addition to other hobbies I already was involved in.  Mum and Dad made sure all seven of us children had swimming lessons, but there was no way they could accommodate all of our faddish interests in ballet, trampolining, canoeing, pottery and so on.

I don’t really understand the fisherman in the dream. (Maybe they are trying to catch me to stop me from reaching my goals.) The women who were baking on the stove…well, I guess I like baking, I like any kind of cake or pastry and I’m trying to be good (want to be as almost perfect as possible for my lovely Goldfinch), so it probably does make sense that I’m dreaming about pastries and cakes. (Again, possibly the cakes and bakes have slowed me down and distracted me from reaching some goals.)

I think the whole dream of the swimming pool becoming more and more crowded and all the obstacles to me actually getting in the water and having a swim is kind of a parallel to my current reality.  Since I was the victim of a crime almost three years ago, I have trying to rebuild my life and get back to where I was before.  Slowed down even by things that I had forgotten to do, such as how I had forgotten to take my trainers off and take my hat off, delaying me getting into the pool. It seems to me that that part of the dream was perhaps to do with me getting a bit frustrated with all the little things that I seem to need to do before I can be where I want to be.

I don’t normally try to interpret my dreams!  I certainly don’t think they are omens!  But I do think your brain is trying to sort and make sense of all sorts of input and connections.

 

Have I been eating too much cheese?

Cheesy Dreams