I actually remember the first time I ever read the word “exquisite”. It sent shivers up and down my spine and filled me with excitement. There was something special about that word, it was incredibly alluring. I have included the verse I read when I was just a little girl that filled me with anticipation.
Around this time of year, I am longing for bleak, grey winter to be over and longing for spring. Every day I feel excited as I anticipate the colour and warmth and life returning.
Sometimes it is hard to wait for the good times ahead. But I know they are coming. Nothing will stop the march of the seasons. I am full of hope, no matter how bitterly cold and dismal it is right now.
Whenever I turn on the news or read a newspaper it seems obvious that this world is quite lost, in need of a great rescue and recovery operation.
I am reminded of that seem feeling. I am full of hope. No matter how bitterly cold and ghastly this world becomes (and I am sure it will get worse before change comes), I am full of conviction that this winter will end and much brighter times are ahead.
I have solid reason for hope. Whatever source gives you hope, I am sure you too feel that same anticipation and longing for an exquisite era ahead.
“right hearted people will possess the earth
and find exquisite delight in the abundance of peace”
I rarely refer to luck or being lucky. Those words have never really found a comfortable place in my vocabulary. But I do understand gratitude and appreciation. I understand what it means to count your blessings. And I do! I do! My blessings are as numerous as the stars in the sky!
Even when I have been through hard times, sad times, break your heart times – I have always been aware of how very blessed I am. In fact I sometimes don’t know where to begin with listing all of the wonderful in my life. I have published almost 2000 posts on this site. There are 200 posts in my drafts folder that I am struggling to find the time to finish. The majority of my posts are about the wonderful people and experiences that have made my life very special.
I am really privileged. Privileged to have the gift of life! Privileged to have been born at all to two loving parents who have taught me wise lessons that have helped me to lead a very satisfying and meaningful life. A window cleaner and a nurse turned out to be probably the best parents in the world.
I have a a lot of family members and a lot of friends. I have worked on some amazing projects during which I have forged lasting friendships with other volunteers. It makes me feel immensely wealthy to know I have so many meaningful relationships.
When I was younger, I thought we were poor (as in we did not have much materially) as a family. How wrong I was! I realized when I started travelling that perhaps as many as half of the people on the planet did not have the material things I had always taken for granted – a flushing toilet, a heated shower, a fridge-freezer, a washing machine, central heating. I did not realize how many advantages there are living in a country which provided so many benefits for citizens – a virtually free national health service – that is one of the most enviable things about living in the UK perhaps.
I feel very privileged that I have been able to travel. It has opened my eyes to how many people have far less than I do. However, it has also helped me see happiness does not depend on how much we possess. In lands where I saw people who lived on an average of $1 a day – I saw close knit families, caring supportive communities. We saw the biggest smiles. We saw that most people had practical skills like making their own clothes, growing various crops, making their own furniture, and they were enterprising. Everyone seemed to be a vendor in one form or another. I came back to England seeing things in a much clearer light. I think it’s absurd that women spend the same amount of money on one handbag that would feed a family for over a year in many lands.
One thing that makes me feel very rich indeed is that I have a firm hope. Even in troubled times, I am not afraid. I started looking for answers to questions that troubled me when I was a little girl and I found them. I have a huge amount of confidence that the original purpose for this earth will be accomplished. One day all people will thrive in loving relationships, caring communities, a united worldwide family. Nobody will go hungry or go without the things they need. All will live in harmony with this beautiful planet and the creatures we share it with. That conviction that the future will be better than any pages in mankind’s history so far, helps me endure any hardship.
We also saw strong faith. In many of the lands where I saw the most severe poverty, people knew the answer to their problems. They knew that the Messiah will soon rule the entire earth and his rule will be marked by true love, justice, wisdom and power. They know that all of their suffering is witnessed by their heavenly Father. They know He is longing to heal mankind and this planet. That hope is sustaining them as the current corrupt global system punishes them for existing.
I realized some time ago that to live your life knowing the truth about why suffering and injustice effect so many good people, to know that all the damage done will be undone, all suffering reversed, all that is wrong will be made right – I have lived with peace of mind and heart. I am sure that made a difference to my childhood, to my life as an adult, to my recovery after I was the victim of a serious crime, to being able to establish peace with Jack. Truth brings peace.
So let me tell you how lucky or blessed I REALLY am: I am immensely wealthy in all that never loses value, rather gains more and more value in time. I am immensely wealthy in what matters. Although I don’t own any property, nor a car, and I certainly don’t own any designer handbags, I am immensely wealthy! I am free of fear and anxiety. My hope is sure.
If there is one thing that is going to help me get through the next couple of months it is my building excitement over the return of spring!!! Perhaps you feel that way too?
Just think no matter what has occurred in human history – all manner of trials or hardships – nothing has stopped the march of the seasons. Spring is coming, just as sure as the sun rises each day! It makes me ripple with pleasure at the thought of what is ahead!!!!!!!!
Soon the long hard winter of man’s rule will have passed and life will return! Then there will be a celebration like no other!
Do you ever wake up on a Monday morning and think to yourself….
“I DON’T THINK I CAN DO TODAY!”
Some days I feel fragile. Perhaps you do too.
We are fragile at times. But at other times, our inner strength can be remarkable. It’s often when we are doing what we know is right.
I know there are times I feel ever so fragile. Sometimes I amaze myself at the inner strength that comes from a mysterious source. But it tells me that although I am sometimes intimidated by the storm clouds building, although I sometimes want to curl up in a ball and hibernate until the end of this system is over, I need to keep going. Soon…the storm will have passed and this earth and it’s creatures can breathe a sigh of relief.
Well…today has been another write-off I am afraid. Despite going to bed early, I slept until midday, which has to be a good thing. But as soon as I was conscious the pain was there again. I took some more ibuprofen with some toast.
The good news is I cleaned my kitchen. I also washed my bed linen. But I had hoped to be in North London working with Jack. Even though I have had ibuprofen throughout the day the pain has been constant. I spoke to one of my colleagues who said I should take paracetamol or co-codamol. I don’t get on well with either codeine or paracetamol. I also spoke to my GP surgery. Not much help I have to say. Around two hours ago I rang NHS 111. Basically everyone is saying the same thing….take over-the-counter co-codamol (even though I am codeine sensitive).
I have been on my own this weekend as the landlords went away. So Jack is coming over with some co-codamol he bought from a pharmacy for me. He is going to keep an eye on me tomorrow. In the past codeine has done strange things to me and I am scared to take it when I am on my own.
These past two days I have been rubbish at reading posts. I am going to lay here and try to read some of your posts until Jack gets here. The fresh bed linen smells so gorgeous. I am looking forward to being in Jack’s arms. It feels like a safe place to be. It feels so good to say that. Just over a year ago I would never have said that. Now…Jack’s arms feel like the safest place in the world.
It’s funny how a situation can turn out better than we ever imagined!
It’s hard to plan when the whole world seems to be shifting around you.
What will tomorrow bring? Nobody seems to know. Anxiety over the cloud brewing on the horizon. One storm after another comes battering. Waves of panic over a disease that seems to spread like wildfire and hunts down the most vulnerable. Billions of dollars disappear due to a lack of confidence about the future. Is it safe to go here? Is it safe to go there? Is it safe to shut ourselves away and hide?
It’s not just me. Everyone I speak to is uncertain. Everyone is wondering what will happen next? Will winter ever end? Will summer ever return? Will we be able to breathe a sigh of relief?
Will the travellers stop and ask for directions? I see them smiling calmly, quietly waiting for anyone that wishes to pause and ask questions or take something to read. I see them everyday, in every corner of London.
They are not afraid. Neither do they fear storm nor pestilence. They do not lack confidence. Their bright eyes and sincere smiles reassure me that I can plan for the future. I can plan to live. They inspire me, they fill me with hope. I cannot help be in awe of their resilience, their faith and their love in enduring all manner of obnoxious remarks.
I often wonder to myself, is it someone like me that makes it worthwhile to them? When I stop and tell them I think they are wonderful and pick up something to read during my lunch break. They are always there, in English, French, Spanish, Chinese, Korean, Urdu and other languages I am sure.
I was supposed to be spending time with friends today. But I was so wound up after yesterday. I decided I couldn’t go rushing around London like I normally do at the weekend. That was me in the sunglasses, hiding teary eyes. I was the one who was walking as if I was on a mission. A mission to let my mind wander back to Adelaide, Australia.
I needed a bit of time on my own. Just to be allowed to think of the man that I love. Call me the impossible romantic, but I needed to think of him more than I needed to be with my friends today. For some reason I feel as if the current here, the flow of the tide, is against me and Goldfinch. Suddenly I sense an air of match-making has risen again. Talk of when I am going to settle down. Questions suggesting I am not being realistic, that I don’t know what’s best for me.
I am fighting to keep hold of my dreams of being with him. I don’t like that it often feels like a dream. But the desire to be with him is always burning away, and today I needed to let myself think over all that happened while I was in Australia. It is all mine, my own diamond mine of memories that keep the dream alive.
Sometimes, fighting to keep your own dream alive makes you feel a bit crazy. But I tried earlier this year. I went on two dates with another man – and it was not for me. Not while I am in love with a tall gorgeous Australian.
I ended up walking across London. I am a walker. I was a few miles from where I used to live, I didn’t want to go too close to my old flat, so I took a different route. I was walking down a lane just off a busy high street where there are some pretty shops, cafes and agencies. It’s the kind of place you only go if you know it’s there hidden away. It’s been a favourite place of mine since I was introduced to it by a close friend. I had a shock. After my memory of him yesterday, it could not have been more unfortunate timing. To think that at 4pm on Saturday afternoon, Jack and I could be walking along the same cobbled little road. He was with a couple of other men. One I recognised, the other I did not. All the miles I walked today. I had just been randomly walking simply to be on my own and to allow myself to think about my time in Australia.
Can you imagine how I felt? I didn’t run. I carried on walking, hoping my big sunglasses had disguised me. Did he even see me? I was scared to turn my head.
NOTE TO SELF: Do not leave home without a hood or a hat!
And I was reminded of something I think I realized long ago. I have lost hope of ever having a friendship with Jack. But because of that, I find it hard to hope in anything real with Goldfinch or anyone else. It all seems like an unattainable dream. A dream I have to fight to keep alive.