That Was Me

that was todayI was supposed to be spending time with friends today. But I was so wound up after yesterday. I decided I couldn’t go rushing around London like I normally do at the weekend. That was me in the sunglasses, hiding teary eyes. I was the one who was walking as if I was on a mission. A mission to let my mind wander back to Adelaide, Australia.

I needed a bit of time on my own. Just to be allowed to think of the man that I love. Call me the impossible romantic, but I needed to think of him more than I needed to be with my friends today. For some reason I feel as if the current here, the flow of the tide, is against me and Goldfinch. Suddenly I sense an air of match-making has risen again. Talk of when I am going to settle down. Questions suggesting I am not being realistic, that I don’t know what’s best for me.

clinging to the dream.jpgI am fighting to keep hold of my dreams of being with him. I don’t like that it often feels like a dream. But the desire to be with him is always burning away, and today I needed to let myself think over all that happened while I was in Australia. It is all mine, my own diamond mine of memories that keep the dream alive.

Sometimes, fighting to keep your own dream alive makes you feel a bit crazy. But I tried earlier this year. I went on two dates with another man – and it was not for me. Not while I am in love with a tall gorgeous Australian.

disguise.jpgI ended up walking across London. I am a walker. I was a few miles from where I used to live, I didn’t want to go too close to my old flat, so I took a different route. I was walking down a lane just off a busy high street where there are some pretty shops, cafes and agencies. It’s the kind of place you only go if you know it’s there hidden away. It’s been a favourite place of mine since I was introduced to it by a close friend. I had a shock. After my memory of him yesterday, it could not have been more unfortunate timing. To think that at 4pm on Saturday afternoon, Jack and I could be walking along the same cobbled little road. He was with a couple of other men. One I recognised, the other I did not. All the miles I walked today. I had just been randomly walking simply to be on my own and to allow myself to think about my time in Australia.

Can you imagine how I felt? I didn’t run. I carried on walking, hoping my big sunglasses had disguised me. Did he even see me? I was scared to turn my head.

NOTE TO SELF: Do not leave home without a hood or a hat!

And I was reminded of something I think I realized long ago. I have lost hope of ever having a friendship with Jack. But because of that, I find it hard to hope in anything real with Goldfinch or anyone else. It all seems like an unattainable dream. A dream I have to fight to keep alive.

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Where Will I Be Without Him?

 

faded love.jpg

Since I said goodbye to Goldfinch in the early hours of Monday morning (which is less than a week ago, although it feels like much longer), he has been in Belgium and he is very soon on his way to Italy. Any day he will call me to say his flight is booked to Australia.

There is a lot he would like to squeeze in before he travels back to live on the opposite side of the planet.  I cannot blame him.  I am thrilled for him really.  I love him, why would I ever resent him seizing every opportunity life throws at him?

goodbyesI have a feeling in my heart, more like a dread, that the next time I am with him, it will be the “Goodbye” I have known was coming for a whole year and am so mournful about now that it finally has drawn near. I saw a quote when I was thinking about losing Goldfinch.  It said “How wonderful to have someone who makes saying goodbye so hard”…the jury is still out on that one!

It will be goodbye.  I am not going to explain all the reasons in this post, but maybe at a later date, I will explain why I am convinced it will be a real goodbye.

For now…I am starting to contemplate where I will be without him? Where I was before? Lost? Lacklustre? Reticent of love? Reluctant to allow hope any room in my heart?

I have had an entire year of warmth and vibrant joy and have been very much in love. Goldfinch found me just over two years after I had been the victim of a crime that has changed my life.  It was just over a year after I had returned to London. I was a bit of an ice-queen…determined not to let anyone else break me. Goldfinch became my shelter from the storm. I have to be ready to brave that storm again.

For now, I am trying to hold myself together so that Goldfinch does not comprehend the depth of my grief in losing him.  Once he has gone, then I will crumble.  Until then, he will only know joy and delight with me.

And now you see, I find a new appreciation for all the posts that have been inspired by him. How pleased I am that I have been writing about him. They will be a memorial to a lost love.  I may crumble, but I have an abundance of pages recording my year of joy and love and warmth that will remain intact. I am so pleased to have a treasure of pages to reminisce about the man that brightened my life and warmed my heart this past year.  Homage to my ray of hope.

I was lost…

…but it didn’t matter when Goldfinch found me.

I had broken wings…

…they didn’t hurt so much when Goldfinch started to fly with me.

If you know a little about opera, then I am sure you will understand why I am posting a link to the song below…one of the prettiest of love songs in the opera world.  If you are not sure of the story behind “Un Bel Di”, it makes an interesting read on a Sunday and will delight you I am sure.

If you ever have chance to hear it sung on stage, you are in for a treat! The haunting echoes of the orchestra ricochet around the theatre making the hairs stand up on the back of your neck!

nascosta (in bold type) means hidden

Un bel di vedremo
levarsi un fil di fumo sull’estremo confin del mare.
E poi la nave appare.
Poi la nave bianca entra nel porto,
romba il suo saluto.
Vedi? È venuto!
Io non gli scendo incontro. Io no.
Mi metto là sul ciglio del colle
e aspetto, e aspetto gran tempo e non mi pesa
la lunga attesa.
E… uscito dalla folla cittadina
un uom, un picciol punto
s’avvia per la collina.
Chi sarà? Chi sarà?
E come sarà giunto?
Che dirà? Che dirà?
Chiamera Butterfly dalla lontana.
Io senza dar risposta
me ne staro nascosta
un po’ per celia e un po’ per non morire al primo incontro,
ed egli alquanto in pena chiamerà, chiamerà:
“Piccina mogliettina, olezzo di verbena,”
i nomi che mi dava al suo venire.
Tutto questo avverà, te lo prometto.
Tienti la tua paura, – io con sicura fede l’aspetto.
GIACOMO PUCCINI – as if you didn’t know!

 

 

 

FOWC with Fandango — Shelter

https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2018/10/14/your-daily-word-prompt-vibrant-october-14-2018/

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2018/10/14/ricochet/

Song Lyric Sunday Theme for 10/14/18

Never Hard To Hope

hope

It’s never hard to hope

When I know what you can do

And I know the depth of your comfort

How you feel my pain and remember my tears

It’s never hard to hope

When I remember all you have done for me

I Am Immensely Wealthy

030319

I rarely refer to luck or being lucky. Those words have never really found a comfortable place in my vocabulary. But I do understand gratitude and appreciation. I understand what it means to count your blessings. And I do! I do! My blessings are as numerous as the stars in the sky!

Even when I have been through hard times, sad times, break your heart times – I have always been aware of how very blessed I am. In fact I sometimes don’t know where to begin with listing all of the wonderful in my life. I have published almost 550 posts on this site. there are 30 posts scheduled to be published during March and there are 40 posts in my drafts folder. The majority of my posts are about the wonderful people and experiences that have made my life very special.

familyI am really privileged. Privileged to have the gift of life! Privileged to have been born at all to two loving parents who have taught me wise lessons that have helped me to lead a very satisfying and meaningful life.

I have a a lot of family members and a lot of friends. I have worked on some amazing projects during which I have forged lasting friendships with other volunteers. It makes me feel immensely wealthy to know I have so many meaningful relationships.

When I was younger, I thought we were poor (as in we did not have much materially) as a family. How wrong I was! I realized when I started travelling that perhaps as many as half of the people on the planet did not have the material things I had always taken for granted – a flushing toilet, a heated shower, a fridge-freezer, a washing machine, central heating. I did not realize how many advantages there are living in a country which provided so many benefits for citizens – a virtually free national health service – that is one of the most enviable things about living in the UK perhaps.

I feel very privileged that I have been able to travel. It has opened my eyes to how many people have far less than I do. However, it has also helped me see happiness does not depend on how much we possess. In lands where I saw people who lived on an average of $1 a day – I saw close knit families, caring supportive communities. We saw the biggest smiles. We saw that most people had practical skills like making their own clothes, growing various crops, making their own furniture, and they were enterprising. Everyone seemed to be a vendor in one form or another. I came back to England seeing things in a much clearer light. I think it’s absurd that women spend the same amount of money on one handbag that would feed a family for over a year in many lands.

One thing that makes me feel very rich indeed is that I have a firm hope. Even in troubled times, I am not afraid. I started looking for answers to  questions that troubled me when I was a little girl and I found them. I have a huge amount of confidence that the original purpose for this earth will be accomplished. One day all people will thrive in loving relationships, caring communities, a united worldwide family. Nobody will go hungry or go without the things they need. All will live in harmony with this beautiful planet and the creatures we share it with. That conviction that the future will be better than any pages in mankind’s history so far, helps me endure any hardship.

So let me tell you how lucky or blessed I REALLY am: I am immensely wealthy in all that never loses value, rather gains more and more value in time. I am immensely wealthy in what matters. Although I don’t own any property, nor a car, and I certainly don’t own any designer handbags, I am immensely wealthy!

___________

This post was in response to the writing prompt provided by Sarah Elizabeth Moore:

Writing Prompt #9

To Be Living In Harmony With Every Other Creature On Earth

I found another prompt from Rory aka A Guy Called Bloke and K9 Doodlepip!, that really appealed to me. In fact this was the one that appealed to me most because it touched on some of my deepest and most cherished hopes for the future:

https://aguycalledbloke.blog/2019/02/16/oh-prompt-me-do-fantasy/

I know some might not want to read about another’s faith or beliefs, I totally respect that, so if you want to bail out of reading about mine (well, I will never know – so that’s alright!) please feel free to give my post a miss. The last thing I want to do is to annoy anyone else who has a different outlook or view of the future to me. I am all for peace with any other bloggers!!

I respect that there is huge diversity amongst bloggers and I love the multi-cultural, multi-ethnic make-up of the other bloggers whose work I read and who I receive support from. I would not want to make anyone else uncomfortable. We all have our own precious hopes and faith or outlook that help us to make sense of the world around us and to deal with the challenges we face in life. My hopes have helped me to deal with some of the challenges I have personally had to deal with with a positive outlook.

This picture is the prompt from Rory:

fantasy-3299901_960_720.jpg

When I saw this picture prompt from Rory connected with the title “fantasy”, it made my little brain start whirring away. It didn’t seem to connect with the word fantasy, but a very much hoped for reality. In fact since I was a little girl it is what this picture displays that has been residing in my heart and making me love my life on planet Earth, endure sad and bad things, and feel very excited and hopeful about the future.

When I was a child, I became very picky about the kind of books I would read. My Dad bought me scores of books from charity shops, many of them written by Enid Blyton. I enjoyed many of them, especially the adventures the children encountered. But anything with fairies, magic, or anything I deemed as fantasy (as apposed to fiction) I rejected. I wanted to read about real things. As a child, I wanted my parents and others to be straight with me. I had many questions I was perplexed about and wanted to understand why things are the way they are.

I always loved reading about animals. Stories with animals such as “Black Beauty” and the stories from Beatrix Potter were favourites to me. I think most of us have yearned from a very early age to know more about animals and for them to be much more a part of our everyday life. As a child, it concerned me greatly that people could have a harmful effect on animals, and it also concerned me that animals could harm both each other and humans. I wished all were gentle and at peace. I think many today feel enormous frustration that human activity has meant disaster for so many other creatures, not to mention the serious injury humans have rendered to each other.

I mentioned in a post I published last year (She Taught Me To Blow My Nose) that when I was around five years of age, some close friends of our family were killed in a car crash. As a result, I decided I should read the scriptures. I have read them from cover to cover at least twenty times since, as I fell in love with them. It helped me to understand why things were not right and what would be done about that.

In addition to my own reading, we had a teacher at school who held a story time around three o’clock in the afternoon shortly before we all went home. Almost every story time, one of the children in our class would ask her to read from the big golden story book she had, which was all stories from the scriptures but made easier to read for children. We all had our favourite stories from her golden book. My favourites were all about the future of the earth. I thought the pictures were so beautiful.

Now, the reason I mention this, is that when I saw the picture from Rory it reminded me of one of my favourite passages, which is within a chapter that describes what life will be like once the whole world is ruled by one ruler who cares deeply for mankind and all creatures on planet Earth, you may remember these words yourself:

The wolf will reside for a while with the lamb,

And with the young goat the leopard will lie down,

And the calf and the lion and the fattened animal will all be together; 

And a little boy will lead them. 

The cow and the bear will feed together,

And their young will lie down together.

The lion will eat straw like the bull.

The nursing child will play over the lair of a cobra,

And a weaned child will put his hand over the den of a poisonous snake.

They will not cause any harm

Well…these words have shaped my hopes for the future since I first read them as a child. I never once considered them fantasy, but very much the future reality.

As a child when I first opened the scriptures it was with a desire to understand why sad things, bad things, devastating things happen. It did not take long for things to start falling into place in my little mind. Humans have been out of harmony with our Creator since Adam chose to reject His rulership. And also out of harmony with creation. I accepted that all the sad things, the bad things, the devastating things that have occurred were due to that decision. From the moment they made that decision neither they nor their future family would be truly in harmony with their Creator or creation around them.

I have always looked forward to the time when everything and everyone will be living in harmony again. It’s no fantasy to me, it’s the only possible satisfactory outcome to undo all the damage done by human rulership. All of the damage undone! Every tear wiped away! Real peace. People who used to behave violently and aggressively becoming peaceful and living in harmony with those they formerly would have sought to fight against. All the damage undone! Even death, an enemy humans cannot conquer on their own.

The biggest education program in history, as all humans learn how to live in harmony with the rest of creation, under the guidance of their Creator.

I have been convinced that our Creator would undo that damage and satisfy our yearning to be living in harmony with every other creature on earth.

 

The First Time I Read The Word Exquisite

I actually remember the first time I ever read the word “exquisite”. It sent shivers up and down my spine and filled me with excitement. There was something special about that word, it was incredibly alluring. I have included the verse I read when I was just a little girl that filled me with anticipation.

Around this time of year, I am longing for bleak, grey winter to be over and longing for spring. Every day I feel excited as I anticipate the colour and warmth and life returning.

Sometimes it is hard to wait for the good times ahead. But I know they are coming. Nothing will stop the march of the seasons. I am full of hope, no matter how bitterly cold and dismal it is right now.

Whenever I turn on the news or read a newspaper it seems obvious that this world is quite lost, in need of a great rescue and recovery operation.

I am reminded of that seem feeling. I am full of hope. No matter how bitterly cold and ghastly this world becomes (and I am sure it will get worse before change comes), I am full of conviction that this winter will end and much brighter times are ahead.

I have solid reason for hope. Whatever source gives you hope, I am sure you too feel that same anticipation and longing for an exquisite era ahead.

 

“right hearted people will possess the earth

and find exquisite delight in the abundance of peace”

 

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/01/13/exquisite/

https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/01/13/your-daily-word-prompt-lost-january-13-2019/