I just thought I should mention that I am still republishing a bunch of posts from last year. In 2018 I published a lot about Caramel and Goldfinch, and because of my trip to Australia and not having so much time to write fresh material, I started to republish them.
So I know it might be a bit confusing. Especially this week’s posts – they refer to a week last year when Goldfinch was abroad without the phone I used to keep in touch with him. He had told me he would be going away but I had forgotten, and I thought he was upset with me because we had disagreed over Jack. But that was last year.
I looked at the post I have scheduled to be published tomorrow morning, and I realized that I had written it in the midst of my miserable assumption that Goldfinch had cut off contact with me and didn’t want to speak to me. But as you will see from my posts, the very same day that I posted that, I managed to speak to Goldfinch on his work phone…and that changed everything!!!
Everything is fine now, in fact everything is wonderful. I am slowly working on posts about my time in Australia, I have just had a lot of catching up to do with friends and family and things to sort out here, which is why I am depending so much on old posts to keep my blog alive and kicking.
I can’t cope with the radio. I don’t listen to it at home usually. Years ago when I worked for a record company I found my head never stopped buzzing with lyrics of popular songs and I needed to switch music off to be able to think clearly.
I do love music, especially going to live music events, but I tend to listen to music with friends rather than on my own, because when I am alone it can have a big effect on me.
Well today at work, my workmates wanted to have the radio on, and I kid you not, the playlist was just about the worst combination of songs to hear when I am so heart broken about Goldfinch. I kept on having to hide my tears. It was as if someone knew what I was carrying in my head and heart and they just thought “let’s play all the songs that are going to push her buttons and make her cry“.
As soon as my work mates left…it was radio off!!
The first song was especially poignant because it was the song Jack and I shared:
Two complete strangers. He said hello to me. We chatted. There were things we had in common. It was easy to talk with him. I felt instantly comfortable with him, yet aggravated inside because I knew very quickly something was going to happen between us and at the time, I didn’t think I was ready for that.
After all, lingering pain over Jack had already caused me to sabotage my friendship with Stuart who after a year was fed up of me still being troubled by my ex-flatmate. Then there was Jonathan…whatever initial attraction Jonathan felt, it wore off as soon as I started talking about Jack. And there was Paul, he decided after six months I was never going to get over Jack, so what was the point?
Goldfinch has been rather wonderful as you know. He has been very kind and gentle and empathetic. Yet, I think he too has realized this sadness over Jack is not diminishing.
What a tempestuous life I seem to lead!
I love Goldfinch. I am becoming distraught because he seems to be ignoring me. Maybe I just need to let him have time to cool down. I don’t know. I have never had any difficulties with Goldfinch so I don’t understand this.
I was standing.
He was there.
Two worlds collided.
I allowed my feelings for Jack to tear us apart.
…I am writing my own words, my own song and not making a very good job out of it. All my fault.
But at least Goldfinch can fly away. He can be free. He can head back to Australia believing I am indifferent. He will be free. I will be crushed because I have hirt someone whom I love so much.
We could live
For a thousand years
But if I hurt you
I’d make wine from your tears
I told you
That we could fly
‘Cause we all have wings
But some of us don’t know why
I was standing
You were there
Two worlds collided
And they could never ever tear us apart
Just a reminder that my 05:58am GMT scheduled posts are mostly republished posts from this time last year. I think I might be confusing some readers. Last summer Goldfinch was living in England (he was here for work). I thought he was upset with me about something…
This tiredness malarkey is hard to beat. I have slept a lot over the weekend, but I am still exhausted. I am so worried that Goldfinch is not talking to me. He has not replied to any of my texts or voice mails and when I try to ring him, it goes straight to his answering service.
I am not certain but I think it is the weight of this burden on my heart of all that happened between me and my ex-flatmate. It’s daft, but it is exhausting to relive all those words and looks and thoughts and feelings.
But, I am glad to have found a medium to express these buried memories and emotions, because talking out loud has not been the way to communicate these for me. For starters, no one is patient enough to let me work through it. Everyone butts in and asks questions that I cannot answer. But writing about it all…at least it is all coming out and I am not on my own with these painful memories and emotions (that frankly are not anyone else’s burden, but my own).
For over three years I have been trying to work out what happened and what went wrong and I have narrowed it down to the week I have been relating to you, the week after that cup of tea with my flatmate. That was key to what happened afterwards. The following months were agony. Neither of us were brave enough to sit down and talk again, so the situation became unbearable because we did not communicate, we just hurt each other it seemed.
Then one summer evening after my birthday, I went to a London park on my own, because I did not want to see my ex-flatmate. It was around 10pm, but it was light when I arrived and there were lots of people around. I sat on a bench and let myself weep. After a while, a man sat next to me on the bench, and made a few friendly comments. I became aware of how dark it was and how there was no one else around.
I stood up and said I had better be getting back home. Seconds later, I was on my knees after huge strength pushed me down by the shoulder and I remember with a shudder the words, “You’re not going anywhere.” I am never going to write a post about what happened between that moment and waking up the next morning in an ambulance – it is not going to happen. It is something I do not need to relive or write about.
But as I have said before, I am still tormented by everything that happened between my flatmate and I that caused me to go to the park on my own, feeling I could not bear to see him, and deeply grieved that my ex-flatmate still has found no words to communicate to me after that night.
It is a big grey cloud that hangs over me and sometimes blocks out the sunshine. Even worse, it has perhaps led me to sabotage my wonderful relationship with my gorgeous Goldfinch who gave me his frank opinion of my ex-flatmate last weekend.
This is what happens with emotional tiredness…you do stupid things that you later regret. My sister Milly called last night and we chatted. That made me feel a lot better. Thank goodness for family.
But still, not communicating only causes pain. I have tried to communicate with my ex-flatmate a handful of times over the last three years, but have not received a word back from him. Everyone involved says he wants to talk, but is still in shock about what happened to me and does not know what to say. But I no longer care what he says – the silence is unbearable.
And now, waiting to hear from Goldfinch is unbearable. I love him. I am so worried that I have hurt him or made him angry.
Look…all I can do right now is carry on cooking and freezing meals, clean my kitchen and go to bed. I don’t have the emotional energy to jump on a train and go and stand in front of either my ex-flatmate or Goldfinch. I am way way too tired. I just want to curl up in a little ball and pretend none of this ever happened.
I want my life back, my career back and I want to be back in my room in my flat with Ella and Dean, and any flatmates who are willing to empty bins and not be hostile on a daily basis.
I have my salted caramel popcorn all ready to munch and I am looking forward to a fantastic range of songs today from all who take part in SONG-LYRIC-SUNDAY. Thank you for all of the support for my posts while I was away in Australia. My tablet was very unhappy whilst out in Australia and continually crashed (I don’t know what the technical term is for your tablet flashing on an off and freezing every time you try to use it), so I couldn’t do much on WordPress while I was away.
The highlight of the outbound flight from London Heathrow to Adelaide Australia was finding The Sound Of Music was one of the movies available on the on-board entertainment channels. If you were the passenger with the long legs, wearing Doc Martins, and casting a surly glare in my direction, yes that was me singing and dancing in the aisle.
Well, if I ever needed an excuse to post one of my favourite songs ever…a song that lifts my heart the moment I hear the introductory build-up…a song that captures the essence of perhaps the best of musical movies, Jim has set me up perfectly today!
Are you ready for the wonderful Julie Andrews, exuberant as she sings the triumphant “The Hills Are Alive”. Enjoy!!!!
This song is sang later on by the children who sing it for the baroness, and their father Captain Von Trapp joins them for the final lines.
The hills are alive with the sound of music
With songs they have sung for a thousand years
The hills fill my heart with the sound of music
My heart wants to sing every song it hears
My heart wants to beat like the wings of a bird
That rise from the lake to the trees
My heart wants to sigh like a chime that flies
From a church on a breeze
To laugh like a brook when it trips and falls
Over stones on its way
To sing through the night
Like a lark who is learning to pray
I go to the hills when my heart is lonely
I know I will hear what I heard before
My heart will be blessed
With the sound of music
And I’ll sing once more
Written By The Wonderful: Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II
Thank the blogger who nominated you – THANK YOU LOVELY JEANNE!
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Questions From Jeanne
What do you like most about yourself?
I am content with the outer me. I am a little self-conscious of the right side of my head after my head injuries. My feet are a little clunky. But they are alright, I should not complain about them after the way I treat them! Sometimes my tummy looks too bloated, but I have decided that is normal, and nothing to be overly concerned about.
I like the inner me though. I take pride in making the inner me lovely. Probably more so than the outer me!
What do you like least about yourself?
What do I like least?? Hmm. As I said above, I am pretty content on the whole. I suppose my eye-brows are a bit odd. They are almost an non-entity. They are there, but I can’t really do anything with them. They are wispy and faint. I see other people’s eye-brows and I wonder why mine look so malnourished. They are not ugly in themselves, but they don’t enhance my face at all. But I think if you are going to start trying to enhance your eye-brows you need to be cautious. I look at the eye-bows of some women and they are scary, which frankly puts me off from trying to change my eye-brows. But still…some women get it so right and they look amazing.
Who was your biggest influence on who you are today and why?
My family, especially my parents. I think they are gorgeous. I often think of their incredible example of being faithful, hard-working, reliable, humble, kind, cheerful, fun-loving, patient and modest. My Dad who has been window-cleaning since I was six months old, up and down a ladder countless times day after day, and training us to work for our pocket money. My mum who has worked as a nurse, as well as washing and ironing clothes, cooking and cleaning and training all of us in all aspects of house-keeping.
I love that they taught us such valuable lessons and they lived by those lessons themselves. They practised what they preached as it were. They were honest about their mistakes, they involved us in major family decisions. I remember their words and many experiences we shared, but it is their shining example I am so proud to have. They have been and still are wonderful role-models and wonderful friends to me and my siblings. I could not have asked for a better start in life. It’s easy to love my parents because they are so very lovable anyway.
What motivates you?
A happy mix of healthy emotions. I thrive on all my interactions with people. My family, friends and others. People make me tick. Life is not fulfilling if you are isolated. But fill your life with good people (and yes they are imperfect so there will be some stress at times with working out occasional misunderstandings and overcoming challenges that occur due to imperfection), and you seem to have tremendous energy and always an invitation to go here, there and everywhere.
I gain enormous pleasure from nature. What I see in creation fills me with gladness to be alive and excitement about the future. It makes life sparkle for me.
What hobbies and/or interests do you have?
I have always been sporty. For years we swam competitively, so I have great stamina. But since my head injuries I have had some issues with my breathing if I push my heart too much. So I have had to tone down my physical activity. I still love walking and swimming. I love to visit interesting places like museums and National Trust properties. I love spending time with friends. I like baking. I am enjoying trying to write a little on this blog and reading all the posts from other bloggers.
Do you believe in reincarnation?
Only for recyclable materials. I believe in recycling – I have become borderline obsessive about plastic being recycled. I believe in reincarnation for materials like plastic, glass, aluminium, paper, a magazine one day…a newspaper the next…the papery surface on a sheet of plasterboard the next.
With regards to human life, I believe that death was never part of our Creator’s original purpose for humans. Throughout the scriptures there are repeated reassurance that our Creator will undo Adamic death. I am looking forward to the resurrection of all those who have died. But I know that our Creator is looking forward to it even more.
Is there life other than life here on Earth?
Yes. Our Creator made hundreds of millions of creatures like him before he ever created creatures made of matter. The scriptures refer to these creatures as angels, but the words used for “angel” in the original languages the scriptures were penned in, also mean “messenger”. They often served in this capacity.
There is a verse that I love in the scriptures. It is about the reaction of the angels when our Creator made the earth. When they saw this beautiful planet, what was their response? They “joyfully cried out together and…began shouting in applause“.
When one angel led a rebellion against our Creator and claimed that intelligent creatures can rule themselves and decide what is in our best interests, it was an issue that effected not just humans, but angels too. In fact, this issue, being settled on our planet, will effect all intelligent creatures, whether they are made of matter or not.
Are you the life of the party or do you prefer to keep more to yourself?
I am happy with my own company. But I thrive on being around people.
At a party, I give my all to making sure others are having fun. I am usually one of the first up on the dance floor…and that goes without speaking if there is karaoke. I always have something funny or interesting to share…but I like to get others chatting and laughing.
If you could have dinner with anyone, past or present, who would it be and why?
Oh…so hard to choose! There are so many people from past especially I would love to meet and I have many questions for. I can’t wait to meet people of from all eras and all walks of life.
But of course I have a favourite person. If I could have dinner with anyone, it would of course be Goldfinch. Somewhere wonderful, were we could look out on stunning scenery or a sunset or the night stars. I would try to cook something he would love…and I would of course make a naughty pudding. And, I hope he would be able to stay over for the night 😉
What is your spirit animal and why?
I don’t know understand the term, it is something that doesn’t register with me. But I love animals, and these are some of my favourites:
If you could change something about yourself, what would it be and why?
The only real cloud that casts it’s shadow over me is my head after I received severe injuries when I was attacked. It is a problem.
I find it hard to plan. Not from day to day, but long-term. Since I left hospital after I was attacked four years ago, well-meaning people and professionals have told me just to take one day at a time…and I have. But it would be nice to think a little beyond “one day at a time”.
I want to go back to my career, but it’s too risky for them to send me on international assignments. If I met someone who loved me and wanted to build a life with me…well, I would be so anxious because I don’t know what will happen to me. I don’t want to become dependant on someone and become a burden to them. Nor do I want to let someone fall in love with me and then lose me. I think I would find it easier to be more confidant if I did not have so many black-outs and episodes with difficult breathing. It scares me sometimes. I am not scared of dying. But I hold back from some aspects of life because it is distressing to find myself in A&E.
People say the loveliest things encouraging me to stay positive. I am positive, but I am stuck in a situation that is confining my options and I don’t know how long for and what will be the outcome. So, for the moment, I just carry on living life one day at a time and enjoying it. There is a wonderful man in my life whom I love and because of the 10,100 miles that separate us, I can love him without being scared of being a burden. I am near to my family. They want that. The NHS (the free health service here in England) are doing a grand job of looking after me, and for the most part I am ticking over very well.
An Extra From Me
I was looking for a sunshine song to tag on to this post…and because of the beautiful photos in this video I chose Vivaldi’s “Summer” from “The Four Seasons”.
Eleven Questions For My Nominees
DO YOU HAVE A FAVOURITE FLOWER?
WHO OR WHAT INSPIRED YOU TO START A BLOG SITE?
IF MR (OR MRS) PERFECT WAS TO WHISK YOU AWAY ON A SURPRISE TRIP TO A CITY BREAK – WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE IT TO BE?
WHAT IS YOUR OWN FAVOURITE POST FROM YOUR SITE OR THE ONE YOU WOULD RECOMMEND READERS CHECK OUT FIRST?
WHAT WOULD BE THE PERFECT DAY-OFF WORK FOR YOU?
DO YOU HAVE A FAVOURITE ICE-CREAM?
FANCY DRESS PARTIES – WHAT HAVE YOU DRESSED UP AS?
WHICH SONGS WOULD YOU SING IN THE SHOWER WHEN YOU THINK NOBODY CAN HEAR?
DO YOU HAVE A SCHEDULE FOR YOUR HOUSE-KEEPING (CLEANING/LAUNDRY ETC) OR DO YOU JUST FIT IT IN WHEN YOU CAN?
IF YOU WERE A TOURIST VISITING LONDON – WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO VISIT?
CAN YOU REMEMBER THE FIRST CRUSH YOU HAD ON SOMEONE?