I have woken up today feeling so much happier than yesterday. Which is good because I have three longs days of work ahead of me.
I started to feel a bit low yesterday. It was weighing on my mind how it will feel once Goldfinch has gone. But I cheered myself up by chatting with family on the phone, ironing, cleaning the little nest and hanging out with friends last night.
I will be fine. But I can tell my emotions are a little bit topsy-turvy right now. I think it’s because some of those who know he is going are saying kind of silly things to me:
- You need to get on a plane and follow him
- He’s obviously not “the one”
- You’ll find someone else as soon as he is gone – they will be queuing up for you
- God has someone else in mind for you
Though I am sure any of my friends who have said similar things mean well, I am a little aghast at how little some of them know me or forget the health challenges I have to deal with. Goldfinch has been perfect for Mel Finch. He has made the past year sparkle! My regard for Goldfinch moved a long way past chemical hormonal surges to something far deeper and intrinsically valuable over the course of this year.
I found myself becoming provoked a few days ago as several people said kind of silly things to me. I found the words to try to explain to a friend how far from the truth some of the remarks I was receiving are:
“Don’t you think I would be getting on a plane to go back to Australia with Goldfinch if things were any other way? (referring to my head injuries)
It is what it is! This is my challenge, and I am doing a fantastic job of dealing with it and keeping my smiles up. And I will make sure that those who are nearest and dearest to me are as prepared as can be. I would not have allowed myself this wonderful year with Goldfinch if he didn’t know everything about my situation and what to do if I pass out or am sick.
I am not searching for the “one”…, neither do I expect my Maker to be my celestial matchmaker. Just because my Goldfinch is going to be on the other side of the planet, I am not going to be wearing a badge that reads “Come on boys!” Right now, the thought of any other man touching me makes me feel quite ill.
Love is not selfish. I am not in a Hollywood chick-flick or a romance novel. I am already blessed beyond measure, with family and friends here who have been a support, and will continue to be a support as I deal with the effects of my head injuries. Why on earth should I ask Goldfinch to stay away from his beautiful house, family, friends, for longer than he had originally intended – when my head injuries are playing games with me? Or perhaps even more unrealistic – why should I go with him to Australia, where I would have to build a new world of friends, when I have a family and world of friends who are anxious over me here…and risk becoming home-sick, lonely, isolated and forlorn – and needing to rely more and more on Goldfinch physically, or perhaps in other ways, like financially, if I am not well enough to work?
Anyway…I made my decision long ago…and even though I have come to love Goldfinch more and more and more and more…I am proving my love by giving my all and making sure when he flies away he has nothing but joyful memories.
I have not got the energy to argue with anyone who does not understand and either urges me to go with him to Australia or they flippantly say – “he is obviously not the one or you would go with him”. It’s almost cruel when people who don’t understand doubt whether I really love Goldfinch. I am going to be thanking my Maker for him for the rest of my days! However long they may be.
Whenever I look up and see birds flying free…I will smile knowing that I have made sure Goldfinch can enjoy exactly that. His wings spread wide gleefully and uplifted by the knowledge he is loved! He is truly loved.
I am blocking out all worries, all anxieties, all doubts and making the most of each day. I have accepted my limitations. I can skip, hop, jump and run…but I cannot fly…and I will not be flying to Australia with Goldfinch. But I will be happy knowing I made a decision based on unselfish love and I am sending him home full of love.”