More than when he left in December 2018. I was just utterly happy the entire time I was in Australia, right up until the point I realized it was time to say goodbye. Then the sadness and the tears began. I tried so hard not to cry in front of Goldfinch, but he caught me a couple of times.
Ay ay ay! This winter is going to be so hard! The thought of many months ahead saving my money carefully to be able to afford to go out and see him again. Waiting for him to have the time to visit England.
Still there is music, there is sunshine (well, on rare occasion over here in England), there is cake, there are starry skies, there are parties and dinners out, there are friends and family…must try to keep my chin up and work hard and save money to be able to be with him again.
But I have so many wonderful memories from Australia. At night, when it is time to sleep, I can slip into bed and close my eyes and…I am with him, wrapped up in his arms.
Life is wonderful. Being in love is wonderful. You never know what the day may bring. He has given me so much happiness. Don’t let me whinge too much! It is hard being so far away from him, but that’s only because he is gorgeous inside and out!
I could have been home from work almost an hour ago. Except something dreadful happened.
I started to cry. It was terrible. I was thinking about losing Goldfinch. Intense pain was flooding the inside of my ribcage. The tears began and nothing could stem them. My colleagues were obviously concerned. I just sat in a heap on the floor sobbing and wailing! Well, not so much wailing, more whimpering really.
This makes me realize I have a problem. My eyes were profoundly leaky. What if they start leaking like that in front of Goldfinch? I don’t want to ruin things for him.
I am back at the little nest now and I am have just had a quick shower. Now I am going to try to sleep before I wake up tomorrow and start helping with the set up of a party. I am not in the party mood at all I must admit!
And then comes the guilt from wondering if the pain and the tears are really due to losing Goldfinch, or am I still grieving over that happened with Jack? It’s only Jack that has been able to effect me like that before now. I only associate pain like this with him.
I am dreading being without Goldfinch. The happiness he has elicited within me has made all my worries and troubles quieten down. But without the sunshine from Goldfinch, what am I left with? A great deal of intense pain my friend.
Maybe it was worse because I was so tired. After all, Friday is my fifteen hour work day. If I wasn’t so tired, surely I would have been able to control myself.