Leaky Eye Syndrome

I could have been home from work almost an hour ago. Except something dreadful happened.

I started to cry. It was terrible. I was thinking about losing Goldfinch. Intense pain was flooding the inside of my ribcage. The tears began and nothing could stem them. My colleagues were obviously concerned. I just sat in a heap on the floor sobbing and wailing! Well, not so much wailing, more whimpering really.

This makes me realize I have a problem. My eyes were profoundly leaky. What if they start leaking like that in front of Goldfinch? I don’t want to ruin things for him.

I am back at the little nest now and I am have just had a quick shower. Now I am going to try to sleep before I wake up tomorrow and start helping with the set up of a party. I am not in the party mood at all I must admit!

And then comes the guilt from wondering if the pain and the tears are really due to losing Goldfinch, or am I still grieving over that happened with Jack? It’s only Jack that has been able to effect me like that before now. I only associate pain like this with him.

I am dreading being without Goldfinch. The happiness he has elicited within me has made all my worries and troubles quieten down. But without the sunshine from Goldfinch, what am I left with? A great deal of intense pain my friend.

Maybe it was worse because I was so tired. After all, Friday is my fifteen hour work day. If I wasn’t so tired, surely I would have been able to control myself.

I should get to bed!

I Am All For Happily Ever Afters

I guess we have all at one stage been quite taken by a Cinderella story. I know it has perhaps been told five billion times too often. However not even the most hard-hearted can deny that it is the very essence of a happy ending.

I really liked the film “Ever After” which was a Cinderella story, because there was no magic pumpkin or fairy god-mother. It was just about two people from of course the opposite end of the social rift falling for each other. Plus Anjelica Huston has some memorable lines.

Here is the happy ending for Drew Barrymore’s character:

But I am not really here to big up the movie. No, I am here to big up happy endings. Especially happily ever after endings. I am all for them! Of course I would love that with Goldfinch, but I have accepted that my happily ever after is not going to be with him.

Yes, it is sad…especially so for me. After all, this man has given me the biggest smile in London! But, even if I turned out to be a princess with a palace and a collection of sports cars, and any other luxury Goldfinch may ever have imagined – it still would not change things. He is not even keen on royalty, so if I did tell him I was a princess he might want to have me guillotined!

He is gorgeous. He treats me like a princess. But he is going. He wants to be in Australia for a while. He wants to be back with the familiar. He has his own house there, which is full of tenants who pay him a monthly rent at the moment. He has a lot to sort out. He is unsure of whether he will move into his house. He seems unsure and undecided. There is this gypsy streak in him that makes me think he does not really know what he wants.

woman cryingLots of lovely bloggers have tried to keep me optimistic. I really appreciate that. But he is going. And there is a strong possibility I will never see him again. Yes, it is a big deal to me. But I have come to terms with it and I am alright. I am going to be sad. But I will be alright. Crying is a miraculous gift that helps us to deal with pain and grief and I feel I will be perfectly entitled to my fair share of crying after he has gone. But…I will be alright!

I will explain all the reasons why I know he is not my happily ever after at a later date – to be honest I don’t want to dwell on those reasons right now. I just want to continue to squeeze all the joy out of this wonderful page in my life. He is coming to London in less than 48 hours!

I love him so much and that is all that matters! Let’s not worry about happily aver afters. I am all for them – but Goldfinch needs his freedom more than he needs me. That doesn’t make him a baddie. He is a wonderful wonderful man…but he needs to be home. He is not going to make any decisions that will alter the course of his life, while he is 10,100 miles away from everything that shaped him.

I am all for happily ever afters, but for me and Goldfinch…the most I can hope for is a simple happy ending. That ending will be goodbye. This year with Goldfinch will have a happy ending. A year of happiness ending with a goodbye. A friend for life, my favourite penpal in the whole world! (although I am sure I will be the more devoted penpal).

The future has not happened yet…I am not overly worried whether I ever do have a happily ever after myself. I already have a life so rich with memories and experiences that have shaped me…I could be happy until my last breath quite easily. But the future has not happened yet and there is no reason why I should think about breathing my last breath yet!

Lots more happiness is ahead without doubt.

 

 

Nothing Can Stop These Lonely Tears From Falling

woman cryingAs many of you know, Helen Vahdhati has wisely decided to focus on her health for the present time. Jim Adams, aka Newepicauthor, the creator of A Unique Title For Me has kindly volunteered to host SONG-LYRIC-SUNDAY for Helen, while she takes a break. Jim is a great lover of music and regularly writes about music, so he is going to be a brilliant host.

As you can see from Jim’s post below, for this week’s theme he has chosen: “Crying/Sadness”

https://jimadamsauthordotcom.wordpress.com/2019/01/19/here-we-go-again/

One song has been rolling round my head these past few weeks since Goldfinch left to head to Adelaide, Australia. I often thought of creating a post out of it, but I was afraid that it would worry you all. But now is my chance…

…this is a song for those times when someone you love has upped and left your life – in my case I went with him to Heathrow Terminal 2 and had chance to say goodbye to him. But still…I feel I have every right to sing this song at the top of my voice in the shower.

Although the song does not contain either the words “crying” or “sadness”, I am sure you agree it fits perfectly with the theme. The line right in the middle of the song:

Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling

Well, you can’t get much closer to crying/sadness than that. Now I don’t want a dozen comments trying to cheer me up! I am fine. I had a lovely conversation with Goldfinch today. But I am still going to keep this as my shower song until I am sick and tired of it:

It’s been seven hours and fifteen days
Since you took your love away
I go out every night and sleep all day
Since you took your love away

Since you’ve been gone I can do whatever I want
I can see whomever I choose
I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant
But nothing
I said nothing can take away these blues

‘Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares to you

It’s been so lonely without you here
Like a bird without a song
Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling
Tell me, baby, where did I go wrong

I could put my arms around every boy I see
But they’d only remind me of you
I went to the doctor and guess what he told me?
Guess what he told me?
He said, “Girl, you better try to have fun no matter what you do,”
But he’s a fool

‘Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares to you

All the flowers that you planted, mother, in the back yard
All died when you went away
I know that living with you, baby, was sometimes hard
But I’m willing to give it another try

Nothing compares
Nothing compares to you
Nothing compares
Nothing compares to you
Nothing compares
Nothing compares to you

Written by Prince

Made famous by Sinead O’Connor