My Time Is Precious

I need to sort my head out before Jack comes back to England. Over the past five weeks I have felt myself withering up because of these crazy hours I am working. It’s been bad for me. I have ended up hating my paid job, dreading it each morning. I resent it because it is interfering so much with my real life.

Model, Woman, Conceptual, Fashion

I don’t want to be miserable when Jack is back. But I am sure he will see a difference in me. I am rushing all the time to squeeze things in. The frenzied pace of my life is making me on edge and I have neglected all sorts of little things. I just want to have twenty minutes to sit down and give myself a manicure! My nails are hideous at the moment.

But the nails have had to be neglected because I have to work those 60+ hours a week and do my housework, my shopping, cooking, laundry, sleep and make a little time to socialize with friends. (If you don’t have time to do some socialising, then something is very wrong.)

My nails don’t matter in the long run…which is why they are being neglected, but there are other things being neglected too. Lots of little things are falling by the wayside because I am stretched to my limit.

waipThese paid hours are destroying me. I am not getting enough sleep, enough switch off time. I am always watching the time, always worried I am going to be late. I have less mental energy, my memory is suffering, my concentration is suffering. My headaches are getting worse and more frequent. I am finding it harder to smile. This is not good! Jack will not like it.

I have set a deadline in my head. If it becomes obvious that the chances of someone else being recruited to join our team are just a fantasy, I am going to accept one of the other part-time jobs I have been offered or go back to self-employed work. The paid job I am in is strangling me and my life and my joie de vivre! We can’t have that!

LIFE IS PRECIOUS…TIME IS PRECIOUS…

 PAID WORK SHOULD BE FOR JUST WHAT YOU NEED

VOLUNTARY WORK BRINGS REWARDS FAR GREATER THAN MONEY

IF A PAID JOB THREATENS YOUR VOLUNTARY WORK…

…MOVE ON TO A DIFFERENT PAID JOB!

Sayonara!!!

 

One Day At A Time

platonic3It’s funny how a relationship develops once two people start to spend time together.

That is the the mistake (well, one of the mistakes we made years ago): we didn’t make time to be together properly. We perhaps thought we were together frequently anyway. Afterall we were living in the same home.

But we were always with other people, our flat mates and the many visitors that poured in. There was always something going on in our home. People loved to just pop in. We were all very sociable, so it was fine. But of course it meant he and I were not having the kind of conversations that we have been able to have recently.

platonicHe and I were often at the same social events, large and small. We have been invited over for dinner by close friends (I am sure they were trying to matchmake us) and we have sat besides each other watching movies at the homes of friends. We have sat so close that we were touching. But at the time, that was all. There was nothing we could do about it.

But we did not have chance to really spend time together, just us. We didn’t talk openly. The two occasions we did have private conversations were very intense, too intense really. You might remember that one of them involved a kitchen knife and tears! Aaaah sigh – trying to forget all those awful memories.

platonic2But now…things have changed. Our relationship has developed rapidly. It is all because we made time, and we are both super-busy (him more so at the moment) to be together. We have had to plan a lot. We had to travel away from our homes to be together, because we didn’t want our friends to realize what was going on too early.

I can’t wait for our close friends to know. i want to spend time with them, Jack and me as a couple with our other friends, some of whom are single, some of whom are married or in a courtship.

platonic1But until the news breaks, it has been fun for us to just be together on our own. It has been dun. Jack is fun – it is his default setting. I am very fun-loving too, which is probably why I love being with him. It could so easily have been too intense with so much from the past to discuss and straighten out. But Jack has been very good at closing down conversations that were getting nowhere and getting me to agree that we would discuss it later. He has made sure that we had fun whenever we were together. Whenever we parted, I wanted more of him.

platonic7During our time together, we have got to know even more about each other. I think we did know each other pretty well. But of course it’s been over four years we have had no contact. So there has been a lot to update each other on. Also Jack has seen the health concerns I have since my head injuries. I have had to fill him in on everything that has happened and prepare him for what to do when I have black-outs.

I feel as if we are a real couple. It doesn’t seem like a game. I was scared at one stage incase this was some kind of game, terrified in case Jack was trying to prove something. But those worries are long gone.

platonic5We have done a lot of relaxing together. That is partly because we have been indoors a lot, mostly at places he hired. We have rested and snuggled up on sofas that didn’t belong to either of us.

We have had plenty of evenings in, whole days in, playing cards, board-games, listening to music and watching movies. All kind of uneventful, but it was the togetherness that mattered. Just to be with each other. During that time important conversations have occurred naturally and spontaneously. We have had a lot to talk about. But it has usually been while we were relaxing, which was helpful.

platonic4We have eaten together. I remember reading years ago that eating with someone draws you closer to them. I think it does. I don’t think someone quite crosses the border into real friendship until you have scoffed food together. We have eaten breakfast, lunch and dinner together. We have had snacks in bed.

We have cooked together too. I have baked for him, he has loved everything I have made. We have washed dishes together (which was something extremely hilarious to both of us after that caused so much contention in the past!) He used to make a mess of the kitchen, leave it for the rest of the day. I used to clear up after him. He would tell me after I had cleaned that I should not have and he would have done it.

platonic8He has an idea of us going on holiday together at some point. I don’t know when that will be. But he thinks it would be a good idea to travel together.

The life of an international volunteer involves a lot of travel. At the moment, I don’t think they will allow me that assignment until I stop having black-outs. But we can see how things go. But he still wants us to try travelling together at some point, just for a holiday rather than a work assignment. That will be lovely – I think.

platonic6We have spent a lot of time in his car. He has driven me to nearby Wales, so that I could visit my family. He has also driven us out into the neighbouring counties to London for overnight stays at different holiday cottages and lodges. Even when we were stuck in a car, it’s all been important. Time together. Time to talk and laugh. Time to listen to music and sing together. Time to be silent and just hold hands. All of that time together on our own counted. It was all important. So although it may have seemed silly at times, him asking me to be somewhere earlier than we had originally planned, he knew that it meant extra time together. That is exactly what we needed.

platonic9Of course the intimate time together has also been important. Without sharing too much. It was strange at first. We have know each other for so long! And although now it seems safe to say we had major crushes on each other, we couldn’t do anything about it. We were so awkward back then. Then came the estrangement,

So the first time we touched each other was a bit weird. It started with just holding hands of course – as it always should. And that first kiss – my stomach in nervous knots. I was so nervous, I couldn’t enjoy it., I don;t know if he felt the same way. And then actually being on our own in the bedroom of a cottage he hired – it was weird at first.

platonic0But it’s not weird anymore. Not at all. Suddenly it feels as if it was always this way. As if there was never any awkwardness, as if there was never any estrangement. It is just as it should be. It can be anything we want it to be. Sometimes cozy and slow. Sometimes teasing and playful. Sometimes hungry and ardent. Sometimes…well, let’s stop there. It’s between him and I.

But it’s all developed because we gave time to each other. Time alone. It’s developed one day at a time. So although it feels very quickly, it has actually been due to a lot of time we made for each other. “Time – that’s the stuff life is made of”, said a very clever person. They also say “time is money”. That doesn’t mean much to me, but Jack could have been using his spare time (outside all the charity commitments he has) to earn money. But he has given up his spare time to be with me.

supportive coupleNothing really can replace time together. Don’t be fooled into thinking gifts or compliments can suffice. So whether it is friendships or family relationships or if you are in a romantic relationship – make sure that you spend time together with your loved ones. It all counts – even being in the car together. There is nothing that can beat spending time together.

I never understood how much Jack wanted to be with me years ago. He said his biggest mistake was thinking that be and I were getting to know each other all that time we spent with other people. Maybe we were learning a lot about each other. But a relationship was not forming. He said he was longing for something to happen. But he didn’t know that people were telling me that Jack didn’t like me, that he hated me, that he couldn’t stand living with me. So he did not realize that I was pained throughout the time with him, interpreting everything as a sign he disliked me. How wrong I was! But now we have spent time together – now I understand at long last how he feels, and how he felt back then.

 

 

Where Is The Time Going?

tim1All I want, all I need…is TIME! This week is going to be intense. Everyone wants me to do extra. Today was busy. I am achy tired.

I have so much to do before I go away. It turns out that it’s probably a good thing that Jack is away. Except that I miss him of course!

Plus there is the time difference. Is New York five hours behind London? It was so late when he called me last night. So I was late to bed. I think I wasn’t firing on all cylinders today. I feel really groggy!

Aaaaah! It will all be over soon. One day over, four more busy days to go.

It’s not just me though, it it? I can tell that everyone in London is feeling short on time at the moment. Everyone I passed seemed to be rushing along. Time is so precious.

Anyway…I feel that the very best use of my time right now, would be to have a shower and climb into bed. Aaaaah – wish Jack was with me.

 

A Waste Of Time?

he and me1.jpgThere is no better feeling than laying down gazing up at the night sky with Jack.

I have a picnic blanket with a wax base to it and a fleece top. But we have had to be all wrapped up. It’s been cold and damp lately. It matters not.

There is no better feeling that just laying next to him looking up at the stars. You can see more stars when you leave London.

It is so easy to forget the rest of the world when I am with him. That’s not what he and I are about you know. We are both passionate about volunteering. We have both given a large amount of time to charities. I should sit down and do the math. But I know it is a minimum of 1000 hours a year for each of us. So, whatever the total is, between the two of us we have racked up well over 50,000 hours as volunteers. Imagine that time was money – he can earn a lot more money than I can. But suppose it was £10 per hour – that would be £500,000. When you think about it that way, you can see how much we have both given up.

Will the world forgive us for wasting some time together now? Just he and I, laying in the grass, staring up at the sky together and talking. Sometimes not talking at all actually, just listening to each other’s breathing and feeling each other’s heart beat.

Is It Too Late For Us?

Is it too late for us?

Is time really up for us?

They keep saying time heals a broken heart, not this one.

Is it too late to try?

If we made time to try?

They say people in love need to spend quality time together.

Is it too late for love?

Or is it time for love?

Because I fear on my dying day, my one regret, is that I didn’t love you enough.

times up

Mike at Pexels.com

This little post was inspired by my ex-flatmate Jack. You know the story. But it was also my response to to the picture from FANDANGO’S FLASH FICTION CHALLENGE:

Fandango’s Flash Fiction Challenge #30

FFFC

If I Could, I Would

I am not sure why this song is going round and round my head?

Is it because I am worried I may have been a bit less than chipper last time I was with Goldfinch…because I was so incredibly tired? I think we had a sort of argument. It is weighing heavily on my mind.

Or…is it because my ex-flatmate (who we are calling Jack) has been on my mind all week?

Ironically, the argument between Goldfinch and me was about Jack. I love Jack, and it hard to hear anyone say a bad word about him, even Goldfinch.

picnic.jpgI let Jack interfere with my relationship with Goldfinch. It was not the same. He did not seem to have the same enthusiasm as normal. There were points were he did not seem to want to hold my hand, which was awful. He always holds my hand everywhere we go. Although later we found a grassy part of the park and lay down on a picnic blanket and he wrapped me up in his arms – but I was already feeling rejected by then.

argue restaurant.jpgIn the restaurant when he was mouthing off about Jack, I became quietly furious and would not say a word. I think that when I said that there is no better man in the world to me than Jack in such a bold voice…well, I regret hurting Goldfinch. He might not be hurt. I don’t know. But he was weird. I have just given him another reason to go back to Australia not thinking about me and whether I am going to miss him. He may think I am indifferent or that he is a temporary substitute for Jack, I don’t know. Sometimes Goldfinch is so laid back, it’s hard to tell. If I ask him if I have bothered him, he will just shrug it off.

If I could turn back time and relive our weekend together all over again, I would not have let an argument develop about Jack. If I could turn back time…I would never have let a rift develop between Jack and I. I would be anything he wanted me to be.

I could not post Cher’s original video, she is wearing next to nothing and a leather jacket while she skips about a navy ship.  What would Jethro Gibbs have to say about that? This will have to do.

They Say That Time Heals A Broken Heart

I still wake up some mornings wondering where on earth I am. In my heart I am back at my real home, waking up to my wonderful way of life. In my heart, I know what my assignment is. I have a place to go, work to do, people to see, purpose and meaning.

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KELLEPICS@pixabay.com

When I wake up here, I wonder what I am doing here? Existing.

Breathe in, breathe out. Get yourself up out bed, go and put the kettle on. Take your painkillers. Put two Weetabix in a bowl and pour some hot water over them. Is there any honey in the cupboard? No, that means it’s plain Weetabix today. Where is the cafetiere? Not in the cupboard, try the dishwasher. There it is. You forgot to put the dishwasher on last night. Well, there is always the Nespresso machine. You hardly ever use it, now is the chance. And remember to put a tablet into the dishwasher and turn it on.

What day is it today? Where am I going? What am I doing? Who will I see? I just don’t remember. Thank goodness I have got myself into the habit of keeping a diary. My head hurts. Alright, sit down, take it easy, just wait for your painkillers to kick in. I feel  lost. Turn the television on. BBC Breakfast, the presenters are helpful in re-orientating you. I like the presenters.

After I was attacked, family, friends and hospital staff thought it would be good for me to be away from London, away from my home, away from my career, away from my world for a while. They said to take all the time I needed. They said that time is a great healer.

I don’t like to be argumentative…but my head has not healed yet. My heart has not healed yet. I am not home yet. I am not back where I belong yet. Jack and I are still estranged – our rift has not healed yet. I am not sure what it is that time is supposed to have healed or be about to heal.

People say such lovely things, and I hope it makes them feel better. Because I am not so sure that what they say is actually true. Still, people are very kind. They do try to make it all better. Time is not so kind. It taunts me. Almost four years – and I am still not back yet. I am just existing in a place that is not my home, not my world, and is meaningless to me.

 

Fandango’s Flash Fiction Challenge #13

FFFC

I Am Clock Watching

This is when time begins to slow down. Two hours to go until I can lock up and head back to the little abode. I have done everything I could see needed doing. I have also cleaned everywhere.

I am just waiting now. Waiting for the door to open and more clients/customers to arrive. Waiting to lock up and walk up the hill back to the little nest. Waiting to devour the left-overs I brought home last night after dinner at a friend’s house.

veggie casserole.jpgbf trifleI have had two Weetabix and a cup-a-soup so far today and my belly is rumbling! Time is going so slowly. I can’t wait to tuck in to a vegetarian sausage casserole with herby vegetarian dumplings…followed by a bowl of black forest trifle.

Just over two hours until I slip into a food coma!