Tag Archives: sad

When Will I See You Again?

dfjbvdjkdsfjzv It’s getting closer and closer to the date my ticket to Australia is booked. I know I am not going. The whole world knows I am not going. It’s only my travel agent and my airline that strangely seem to be in denial.

My travel agent told me to wait until the end of May to see if things change. Goldfinch is certain Australia are not going to be opening up their borders to anyone from a country still battling the …you know.

It suddenly washed over me at the weekend – I have no idea when I will see him again. It was like someone pouring heavy lead into my inner core. Since the realization that I have no idea when I will see him descended, I have been so sad.

So sad, I decided I needed to buy a bottle of wine so that I could have a glass with my dinner. Now I am sleepy. So I am going to bed. Feeling so sad about the thought of not seeing Goldfinch.

Leaky Eye Syndrome

I could have been home from work almost an hour ago. Except something dreadful happened.

I started to cry. It was terrible. I was thinking about losing Goldfinch. Intense pain was flooding the inside of my ribcage. The tears began and nothing could stem them. My colleagues were obviously concerned. I just sat in a heap on the floor sobbing and wailing! Well, not so much wailing, more whimpering really.

This makes me realize I have a problem. My eyes were profoundly leaky. What if they start leaking like that in front of Goldfinch? I don’t want to ruin things for him.

I am back at the little nest now and I am have just had a quick shower. Now I am going to try to sleep before I wake up tomorrow and start helping with the set up of a party. I am not in the party mood at all I must admit!

And then comes the guilt from wondering if the pain and the tears are really due to losing Goldfinch, or am I still grieving over that happened with Jack? It’s only Jack that has been able to effect me like that before now. I only associate pain like this with him.

I am dreading being without Goldfinch. The happiness he has elicited within me has made all my worries and troubles quieten down. But without the sunshine from Goldfinch, what am I left with? A great deal of intense pain my friend.

Maybe it was worse because I was so tired. After all, Friday is my fifteen hour work day. If I wasn’t so tired, surely I would have been able to control myself.

I should get to bed!

Wild Thing… I Think I Love You!

For several days after Goldfinch flew away, my sadness was manifest by weepy moments and leaky eye episodes. But this week, it has been harder. Now…my emotions are becoming wildly unpredictable! They can swing one way or another within a few seconds! The reality is sinking in.

I could not sleep last night – which is very very unlike me. I sleep like a log. I fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow. Last night I was sobbing and so distraught I was still awake at four o’clock in the morning, so in the end I had to get myself up and make myself some honey soya milk and eat some of the chocolate Goldfinch gave me before he left. I haven’t eaten properly since the weekend. I ate all the leftovers I had from cooking and baking for Goldfinch last week and then when I ran out of food, I was too gloomy to go food shopping. So this week I have been eating carrot sticks and drinking coffee.

I was chatting with my parents and they want me to eat properly, but said at least they know I will be eating well next week when I am with my family. Mum said it is normal and natural to lose your appetite when you are down-hearted. Dad said it sounds like I have all the symptoms of being love-sick. They told me to keep an eye on myself ,and keep talking about how I feel, so that others can be supportive, and my sadness does not become extreme.

I bought posh bread (as in three times the price of the bread in the super-market and a very strange shape and full of holes) tonight from one of the five artisan bakeries which are now on the high street round the corner from the little nest. It smells delicious. I am going to have some for breakfast tomorrow – it’s much too late to eat now.

I worked from 8am – 5pm  (cooking for a client) and then this evening I went to help out on a project I am regularly involved in – so much work to do there! I was rushed off my feet. I was tired, and, as I have come to realize, that is when I’m at my weakest. I started to cry. Tears pouring down my face.

bvlgariJust then I felt a little vibration against my hip…I pulled out the little Nokia phone I have, and it was a message from Goldfinch!!!! It felt like a little miracle! A message all the way from Adelaide when I needed him the most! He was on his way to an interview and he was wearing the after shave I gave him!

That scent is so gorgeous – I can smell it now…there is a faint residue on the robe I always lent to Goldfinch when he came here to the little nest. I was even thinking of buying a small bottle just so that I can breathe in the scent of him when I miss him.

Suddenly the clouds broke and warm golden sunshine, Adelaide sunshine all the way from Australia, sent by Goldfinch himself, poured into my heart!

I have realized that I have a lot of this to come…I think they call it “mood swings”!!! One moment I am sobbing, the next moment, my heart is singing and I am excitedly telling everyone about what Goldfinch is up to.

My emotions are going to be a bit wild and unruly for a while I feel. Being with family next week will be a great help. But every time I hear from Goldfinch my heart is going to sing! I think I love him!

Snowflakes That Melt On My Nose And Eyelashes

During December 2017, Goldfinch flew to the opposite side of the planet to spend the holidays with his nearest and dearest. Not before a perfect weekend with me. That was my fourth weekend with him in five weeks.

I felt so much love erupt within me during the hours I spent with him prior his flight.  It snowed that weekend. We both excitedly gazed out of the window at the thick snowflakes that were descending and landing delicately on the window-ledge.

I remember going for a walk around the village. I lent him a scarf to keep him warm. The snow was perfect. I remember it fluttering down onto my face and melting against my soft rosie skin. I loved holding his hand. I was so happy. After walking through the pretty village, we headed for the village green (the green was white that day) and a lot of snowball throwing.  I ran through the snow because he was trying to put ice down my… yes!

Don’t you worry, I gave him back as good as I got!

He was gorgeous that weekend.  Goldfinch holding my hand, Goldfinch loving my cooking, Goldfinch washing the dishes after we ate, Goldfinch calling me “beautiful” and “gorgeous”. That’s when I first started to suspect he badly needed his eyes tested.

I travelled with him to Heathrow Terminal 2.  I don’t know if I was more a help or hindrance, however, he did not seem to mind.  I just wanted to cling to every moment I thumb warhad with him before his absence of five whole weeks!  I remember sharing some mince pies with him.  I remember having a “thumb-war” with him.  I remember seeing him disappear through the barriers into the departure lounges and a great shot of pain gushing up into my heart.

I left Terminal 2 with tears streaming down my face.  However…

IMG_20181211_170337.jpg…I gave him a huge surprise by being there waiting for his arrival five weeks later. I was there at Heathrow Terminal 2 Arrivals with my big gold sign waiting for over two hours with a terrible anxiety that I had the day and time of his flight terribly wrong. The moment I saw him, my heart truly leapt.

I took this photo this week. Departures is above Arrivals. As I was leaving Terminal 2 earlier this week, I looked back and could see Departures and Arrivals. The security area Goldfinch has vanished into twice when I have said goodbye, and the doors he appeared through after my agonising wait.

But he is not coming back this time

– is he?

…she says whilst starting to hyperventilate…


I think every time it snows, I will remember my perfect weekend with Goldfinch.




This post was in response to the picture prompt provided by The Haunted Wordsmith: