One Of A Kind

I had a situation, that’s a “SIT-YOU-AY!-SHUN”, recently…and it turned out remarkably. It was a whole “this girl is on fire” result!!!

We have some days when we don’t do so well…and there are others when it’s just “Wow! You can come again!” They said that I sparkle! They said that my charm is effervescent! (I thought that just meant that it can dissolve in liquids?) They said I walk into the room and bring the feel good factor with me. They said I am a key part of “the team” and I always make everyone in a better mood.

That was just the superiors. The clients have said the most amazing things to me. It’s a long time since I have had so much positive feedback in a role. I have been thanked and praised and had the sweetest compliments. And you know this is why I should always be in a job working with people. Because I love people and somehow, most of them seem to warm to me. Yes, I come across the odd uncrackable nut. I don’t really mind what I do for work…but working with computers, calculators, machinery, food, paint, plants or even animals is just not as rewarding as the smiles on people’s faces when you can make a difference to them.

They come in stressed, I send them away glowing! That’s the mission, to bring a little cheer, a little sparkle. I try not to let my thinking slip too far into mediocre or morose. I try to keep seeing blue skies and smelling the roses. I try to see the sparkle in the people I meet and see the sparkle in everyday…even when there are challenges to deal with. Elevated thinking sometimes pays off big time. The mental and emotional energy when you don’t let anything discourage you, you just stay in the “this is going to turn out just fine” zone…is phenomenal.

All is good. No, in fact it is great!!! Don’t stop me now…because I’m having such a good time!

If you have been reading CRUSHED CARAMEL posts for a while, you may have realized I had challenges in the past. They all centered around the problems with my ex-flatmate and the social media nightmare that exploded because of him. It literally stripped me of confidence and happiness. I was in despair the night I went to that park. I don’t want to think about it, but the crime committed against me that night initially made me very shaky, very scared. That passed, and I was just left feeling bewildered and lost. I had to put a lot of effort into building a sense of purpose back into my life.

Well, since my ex-flatmate has waltzed back into my life (surprise of the century!) my happiness levels are zooming! I feel good about myself. I am me. And I like that! I am letting go of everything that ever drained me, that lowered my spirits…it’s all dissipating. My heart is lifting.

He really seems genuinely fond of me and sincerely regretful of everything that went wrong in the past. He likes me the way I am. Though I feel as if he should have a model or an actress by his side, he wants me to be with him. Pretty marvellous to be loved by someone you thought despised you.

I know they say you should not let someone else dictate your self-esteem…but I never understood what went wrong. It didn’t make any sense. But now that he is opening up and explaining all sorts of things I never knew…I can accept things. I am so much happier about everything.

Anyway…goodnight…it’s way past my bedtime, but I only start work at 2pm tomorrow, so it’s alright. I am sure I’ll be all slept well and sparkly by then!

I Will Always Love You

Goldfinch has been wonderful for me. I loved the thirteen months I had with him. I am so grateful that he kept in touch when he went back to Australia…I was so scared he wouldn’t.

Of course losing my apricot was heart-breaking, but at the same time, it’s the first time in my life I have even been close to something so special, so life-changing. I’ll never know what may have been if I had not have lost my apricot. It was absolutely wonderful to go out to Australia to be with him during the summer (Australia’s winter). I was extremely happy while I was out there with him. Happier than I have been at any other time in the past four years. I did not want it to end.

If I have not made it clear during the seventeen months that I have been blogging, Goldfinch has been the best thing in my life since I met him.

However, I think I always knew I wasn’t necessarily the best thing in his life. That has not stopped him from being absolutely gorgeous to me in every way. But at the end of the day, despite all of the loveliness he has shown to me, he has more than once referred to his hope I would meet someone else here in England, someone who would love me, love my cooking and baking, love my long caramel blonde hair, my feminine dress style, my generous bosom, my down-to-earth, roll up my sleeves and work hard spirit and all of my little ways.

He is happy to think of me as happy. It still feels strange. It feels strange because I have loved being in love with Goldfinch. It’s not something I have ever ever wanted to end.

But even if I loved him with every single fiber of my being, much as he would enjoy it, much as he would be wonderful to me…it’s not necessarily how he would feel in return. He would show love, he would feel love, but not the kind of love that cries out, “be mine, live with me, be my exclusive lover”. There is no handle on the outside of the human heart. You can only do your very best to love in earnest and hope that the person you love will come to the conclusion they want you beside them as they walk through life.

Life is a funny old thing isn’t it…and love, a really weird and wonderful thing. I am sure I will be thinking everything over for a long long time to come. I will always be ready to tell all of the wonderful memories that Goldfinch has left me with. And, I do think, that if Goldfinch actually wanted to share forever with me, then what has happened in the past couple of weeks would never have happened. I will always love Goldfinch you know!