He Has Gone…

By the time you read this, I will be on a train zooming along the London Underground Piccadilly line. I will be heading away from Heathrow Airport, back into Central London. Goldfinch will be up in the air, somewhere above France by now.

I want everyone to know…I truly have had the time of my life with Goldfinch. I am grieving right now. But he has been very very wonderful for me.

You will forgive me if I am a bit quiet in days to come won’t you. I have been tagged for a few challenges and nominations and questions and answer posts. I have started them. I will finish them. But it might be a few days. Please be patient with me. I have arranged lots of things with friends when I am not working (I don’t want to be alone at the moment) and I have also agreed to do lots of over-time at work, on the lead up to the holidays. Being busy will help distract me. Because I can tell you, my heart feels like it is bleeding at the moment.

So so sad am I. I am always just a wisp away from tears. I do hope I don’t have to deal with any rude clients at work or any stressful situations while my manager is on holiday. Otherwise I am going to end up crying at work!

Still, it is ok to be sad. It is perfectly normal to be sad when you are separated from someone you love. So I am going to allow myself to be sad. It will pass. I am a very joyful person. I love life.

But I am allowed to be sad right now. So don’t you worry. My sadness is a normal healthy reaction to being parted from the man I love and has made me feel so wonderful this year. I am not going to do the whole stiff-upper-lip thing. I am going to have my tearful moments and I might even allow myself a naughty treat on days that seem excessively sad. Isn’t that why cake was created?

But, there is a lot to look forward to. It is not long until I will be with my family. I am so excited about seeing my niece. She will be so good for me, as 20-month old children tend to be!

For weeks I have been wondering if there was one song I could include in a post about my big Goodbye with Goldfinch. I didn’t want it to be miserable or dire. I wanted it to be a celebration of how he has made me feel during this past year.

One day about a month or so ago, the song came to me!

When I am feeling up to it, I will tell you more about the grand Goodbye with Goldfinch and I will do more celebrating the wonderful wonderful year I have had.

Just right now, I don’t feel like celebrating! But I will look back at a later date and have so much wonderful to share with you!

 

 

 

It’s Time…

I wonder what on earth London thinks of me? Have Londoners seen a woman so in love? Perhaps they have many a time!

It is allowed! Lovers are allowed to be in love in cities like London and New York and Paris – especially Paris – although perhaps not at at them moment. It’s all looking a bit scary at the moment over in Pareee.

…Anyway, back to London.

Walking hand in hand with Goldfinch – London never seemed so beautiful. Everything seemed to sparkle.

But I have to say… Goldfinch will surely know how loved he is! Thinking of him… my loved one up in the clouds until he is the furthest point on Earth possible from me. Aaaah sigh!

I noticed something wonderful about my tablet last week. At any time I can go to the world clock function and find out what time it is in Adelaide! That might not seem very impressive to you, but I was extremely excited by it.

One Last Time…

After having my hair done in the salon round the corner from the little nest, and putting on my new dress, I will be heading to the train station to meet Goldfinch for the very last time. One last time experiencing the anticipation of his arrival.

I can’t wait to see him arrive, pulling his suitcase up the long platform towards me. I might even be tempted to video that moment so I can play it back again and again in the future. In fact I suddenly feel I don’t have nearly enough photographs of Goldfinch. I have some… from the summer when we spent time together in London, and from our weekend in Bath. But I forget to take photos. I am always too wrapped up in the moment. This weekend I am going to annoy him by taking too many photos! This is the one last time I am going to have chance though.

Then I shall be spoiling him right up until the moment he has to leave me. Does he realize how hard it will be? Last December, we queued at Heathrow at the check-in desks…and then went and shared mince pies and had a thumb war (which I won, although he still doesn’t agree with that) and then he disappeared through to the departure lounges.

I wrote about it, of course:

• Flight Of The Goldfinch

Now…at that point I had only known him for about five weeks, and it hurt to see him go. I kept making him promise me he was going to come back to England. I can’t do that this time. There will be no promises. Well, I will make him promise to be happy and healthy and live life to the full! But no emotional pressure shall come from me. I don’t want to send him away with a heavy heart. Nope…I want him to be leaving me loved up and full of happiness. Saying goodbye for one last time.

Everything will be for one last time.

All requires a lot of bravery from me…I have to say! I have lots of treats lined up for Goldfinch. His wish will be my command…and I shall treat him like royalty – don’t I always do that?

But then…comes the really hard bit, for one last time:

One last time…

Leaky Eye Syndrome

I could have been home from work almost an hour ago. Except something dreadful happened.

I started to cry. It was terrible. I was thinking about losing Goldfinch. Intense pain was flooding the inside of my ribcage. The tears began and nothing could stem them. My colleagues were obviously concerned. I just sat in a heap on the floor sobbing and wailing! Well, not so much wailing, more whimpering really.

This makes me realize I have a problem. My eyes were profoundly leaky. What if they start leaking like that in front of Goldfinch? I don’t want to ruin things for him.

I am back at the little nest now and I am have just had a quick shower. Now I am going to try to sleep before I wake up tomorrow and start helping with the set up of a party. I am not in the party mood at all I must admit!

And then comes the guilt from wondering if the pain and the tears are really due to losing Goldfinch, or am I still grieving over that happened with Jack? It’s only Jack that has been able to effect me like that before now. I only associate pain like this with him.

I am dreading being without Goldfinch. The happiness he has elicited within me has made all my worries and troubles quieten down. But without the sunshine from Goldfinch, what am I left with? A great deal of intense pain my friend.

Maybe it was worse because I was so tired. After all, Friday is my fifteen hour work day. If I wasn’t so tired, surely I would have been able to control myself.

I should get to bed!

Doing Something You Don’t Really Want To Do

As the weekend draws and I look forward to welcoming Goldfinch into my arms for the lat time…

Some special moments ahead! Only I am dreading the heartache when I see him disappear from me at Heathrow Airport. It’s going to be awful!

…My focus right now is on making these last moments with Goldfinch the most wonderful of all our time together. Sigh.

I don’t know how I am going to bear this….

Can’t We Go Back To Page One And Do It All Over Again?

An expression I grew to strongly dislike after I left London three and a half years ago because of the injuries I received was “it’s the end of a chapter of your life, you need to turn over a new page and enjoy a new chapter”.

It was the last thing I wanted to hear. I know people were probably well motivated. But I totally rebelled against that idea and made it my mission to return to London – because I wanted my life back. I was not ready to give up. I did not want to start a new chapter.

I still feel as if my life is just on pause, until I am back where I belong. However, this post is not about the effects of the crime I was victim to. I am rather thinking about Goldfinch yet again.

Goldfinch is leaving. That is the right step for him. I would like longer with him. But I have had longer with him. When I first met him, he thought he would be leaving England in the spring. So rather than five months, I will have had over thirteen months with Goldfinch. I am very grateful for that.

Goodbye has to come at some stage. It may as well be now. But I share these sentiments in the Piglet and Winnie the Pooh picture I have attached….

 

Think Of Me… Think Of Me Fondly

All sorts of songs are coming back to my mind this week.

Do you think that Goldfinch will remember me? I mean he is going to be busy when he goes back to Australia. He will be with his family. He has to sort out his house. There have been five tenants there, but one tenant is leaving, so Goldfinch is planning to move back into his house.

He also has to start his new job. I am sure he will be wanting to catch up with friends, maybe there will be female friends who have a soft spot for him?

I can’t bear to think about it right now.  He will be free to do as he pleases. He is free. Goldfinch needs freedom. My health problems since my head injuries would seriously effect his freedom. He will be free to live his life in anyway that makes him happy. I have made my decision and I must remember I love him and I want him to live in a way I am unable to. I have no right to begrudge him the happiest life possible. Although it does hurt right now, I want him to find love, I want him to be loved. I want him to be happy.

My only selfish hope is that he won’t forget me. I would like to stay in his memory for a long time to come. A memory like an exquisite flower with a delightful fragrance.

Weak This Week

I am giving to give you all due notice…

…I am tearful!

However, that is allowed. I am allowed to cry! Crying is a very wonderful thing. I plan to let myself cry as much as I want this week.

You might see one or two weepy posts from me. But it will pass…I have survived much worse.

Right now, I am feeling rather weak, and I do believe I shall be feeling weak all week. I have to say goodbye to Goldfinch. I have to be strong for him.

In the meantime, I am going to admit, it does not take much to make tears start brimming over my eye-lids. But that is alright my friends. Crying is allowed!

 

Where Will I Be Without Him?

 

Since I said goodbye to Goldfinch in the early hours of Monday morning (which is less than a week ago, although it feels like much longer), he has been in Belgium and he is very soon on his way to Italy. Any day he will call me to say his flight is booked to Australia.

There is a lot he would like to squeeze in before he travels back to live on the opposite side of the planet.  I cannot blame him.  I am thrilled for him really.  I love him, why would I ever resent him seizing every opportunity life throws at him?

I have a feeling in my heart, more like a dread, that the next time I am with him, it will be the “Goodbye” I have known was coming for a whole year and am so mournful about now that it finally has drawn near. I saw a quote when I was thinking about losing Goldfinch.  It said “How wonderful to have someone who makes saying goodbye so hard”…the jury is still out on that one!

It will be goodbye.  I am not going to explain all the reasons in this post, but maybe at a later date, I will explain why I am convinced it will be a real goodbye.

For now…I am starting to contemplate where I will be without him? Where I was before? Lost? Lacklustre? Reticent of love? Reluctant to allow hope any room in my heart?

I have had an entire year of warmth and vibrant joy and have been very much in love. Goldfinch found me just over two years after I had been the victim of a crime that has changed my life.  It was just over a year after I had returned to London. I was a bit of an ice-queen…determined not to let anyone else break me. Goldfinch became my shelter from the storm. I have to be ready to brave that storm again.

For now, I am trying to hold myself together so that Goldfinch does not comprehend the depth of my grief in losing him.  Once he has gone, then I will crumble.  Until then, he will only know joy and delight with me.

And now you see, I find a new appreciation for all the posts that have been inspired by him. How pleased I am that I have been writing about him. They will be a memorial to a lost love.  I may crumble, but I have an abundance of pages recording my year of joy and love and warmth that will remain intact. I am so pleased to have a treasure of pages to reminisce about the man that brightened my life and warmed my heart this past year.  Homage to my ray of hope.

I was lost…

…but it didn’t matter when Goldfinch found me.

I had broken wings…

…they didn’t hurt so much when Goldfinch started to fly with me.

If you know a little about opera, then I am sure you will understand why I am posting a link to the song below…one of the prettiest of love songs in the opera world.  If you are not sure of the story behind “Un Bel Di”, it makes an interesting read on a Sunday and will delight you I am sure.

If you ever have chance to hear it sung on stage, you are in for a treat! The haunting echoes of the orchestra ricochet around the theatre making the hairs stand up on the back of your neck!

nascosta (in bold type) means hidden

Un bel di vedremo

levarsi un fil di fumo sull’estremo confin del mare.

E poi la nave appare.

Poi la nave bianca entra nel porto,

romba il suo saluto.

Vedi? È venuto!

Io non gli scendo incontro. Io no.

Mi metto là sul ciglio del colle

e aspetto, e aspetto gran tempo e non mi pesa

la lunga attesa.

E… uscito dalla folla cittadina

un uom, un picciol punto

s’avvia per la collina.

Chi sarà? Chi sarà?

E come sarà giunto?

Che dirà? Che dirà?

Chiamera Butterfly dalla lontana.

Io senza dar risposta

me ne staro nascosta

un po’ per celia e un po’ per non morire al primo incontro,

ed egli alquanto in pena chiamerà, chiamerà:

“Piccina mogliettina, olezzo di verbena,”

i nomi che mi dava al suo venire.

Tutto questo avverà, te lo prometto.

Tienti la tua paura, – io con sicura fede l’aspetto.

GIACOMO PUCCINI – as if you didn’t know!

 

 

 

https://fivedotoh.com/2018/10/14/fowc-with-fandango-shelter/

https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2018/10/14/your-daily-word-prompt-vibrant-october-14-2018/

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2018/10/14/ricochet/

https://helenswordsoflife.com/2018/10/13/song-lyric-sunday-theme-for-10-14-18/

I Keep On Opening The Fridge And Looking At Everything

I booked today off work because I had a feeling I would be crying too much if I attempted to get through the day.

I have had a  few tears already this morning, a lot last night when I was in bed. I am finding it really hard that I cannot text him right now. It’s such a strange feeling not to be able to send an instant message to someone you love. Yet twenty years ago (maybe a bit longer) text messages didn’t exist did they? He is probably somewhere around India or perhaps further now. Maybe Malaysia or even Singapore. I will send him an e-mail for when he lands later.

My fridge is full of yummy left overs of some of the delicious food I made for Goldfinch. It is very comforting to have such a delicious array of yummy-ness waiting for me, because I don’t actually feel like doing anything today. I am going to ring my sister when I think she is awake and tell her about my bakes, because she loves the kind of naughty bakes I made for Goldfinch.

Those leftovers include peanut-butter brownies and dolce de leche melting lava puddings (which are probably no longer molten because the are in the fridge). There are also leftover veggies, garlicky long-stem broccoli, buttery leeks, pomme puree, coriander hummus, pesto, and some delicious shakshuka I made us for breakfast yesterday. Shakshuka is officially one of the yummiest breakfasts. The one I made packed a punch of spice (not as much as some of my friend’s). It was so good. I needed a lot of the coriander hummus to calm it down on my tongue.

Aaaaah sigh! So many wonderful kisses yesterday. And not a single one today! While we were waiting for a train on the London Underground Piccaddilly line, Goldfinch managed to press the button on my tablet’s camera while we were kissing and so now I have a selfie of the two of us, that is perfectly clear, not blurred at all of him kissing me. I did take quite a few photos of him, I am glad, but that photo is so sweet. I have my eyes closed and I look so happy. I didn’t realize I smile while I kiss. He looks gorgeous as ever.

I might never have chance to kiss him again. I might never see him again in my life. Oh dear…I need to stop thinking like this! Where are the peanut-butter brownies? Oh thank goodness for comfort food!

I am going to go for a long walk this afternoon. A route I have walked a few times with Goldfinch. I want to think about him. My memories of yesterday are so fresh, I keep on expecting him to walk into my room. I always buy some kind of mango juice for him. He likes mango. I bought a huge bottle this time. The bottle says drink within two days. If I opened it yesterday for him, I am going to have to hurry up.

Aaaaah sigh! Missing him.

 

https://fivedotoh.com/2018/12/12/fowc-with-fandango-camera/