Since I said goodbye to Goldfinch in the early hours of Monday morning (which is less than a week ago, although it feels like much longer), he has been in Belgium and he is very soon on his way to Italy. Any day he will call me to say his flight is booked to Australia.
There is a lot he would like to squeeze in before he travels back to live on the opposite side of the planet. I cannot blame him. I am thrilled for him really. I love him, why would I ever resent him seizing every opportunity life throws at him?
I have a feeling in my heart, more like a dread, that the next time I am with him, it will be the “Goodbye” I have known was coming for a whole year and am so mournful about now that it finally has drawn near. I saw a quote when I was thinking about losing Goldfinch. It said “How wonderful to have someone who makes saying goodbye so hard”…the jury is still out on that one!
It will be goodbye. I am not going to explain all the reasons in this post, but maybe at a later date, I will explain why I am convinced it will be a real goodbye.
For now…I am starting to contemplate where I will be without him? Where I was before? Lost? Lacklustre? Reticent of love? Reluctant to allow hope any room in my heart?
I have had an entire year of warmth and vibrant joy and have been very much in love. Goldfinch found me just over two years after I had been the victim of a crime that has changed my life. It was just over a year after I had returned to London. I was a bit of an ice-queen…determined not to let anyone else break me. Goldfinch became my shelter from the storm. I have to be ready to brave that storm again.
For now, I am trying to hold myself together so that Goldfinch does not comprehend the depth of my grief in losing him. Once he has gone, then I will crumble. Until then, he will only know joy and delight with me.
And now you see, I find a new appreciation for all the posts that have been inspired by him. How pleased I am that I have been writing about him. They will be a memorial to a lost love. I may crumble, but I have an abundance of pages recording my year of joy and love and warmth that will remain intact. I am so pleased to have a treasure of pages to reminisce about the man that brightened my life and warmed my heart this past year. Homage to my ray of hope.
I was lost…
…but it didn’t matter when Goldfinch found me.
I had broken wings…
…they didn’t hurt so much when Goldfinch started to fly with me.
If you know a little about opera, then I am sure you will understand why I am posting a link to the song below…one of the prettiest of love songs in the opera world. If you are not sure of the story behind “Un Bel Di”, it makes an interesting read on a Sunday and will delight you I am sure.
If you ever have chance to hear it sung on stage, you are in for a treat! The haunting echoes of the orchestra ricochet around the theatre making the hairs stand up on the back of your neck!
nascosta (in bold type) means hidden