I don’t mind being alone…truth be told, I quite like my own company. My head is never empty of happy thoughts, wonderful memories, dreamy hopes. I am more than content to be alone at times and be lost in my own pleasant mind.
However, I was once all alone. Not on my own physically, rather I was isolated within a challenge that I could no longer handle. I am going to save the full saga of how this challenge developed and intensified for other posts. But for now, it is enough for you to know that I had no idea who to turn to for help. It was a situation I did not feel I could share with my loving family. It would have appalled them to know what I was dealing with.
I had lost confidence in the friends around me. I had many friends who had known me since childhood but none of whom were living in London. Those I thought could perhaps help, I either did not want to bother them because they were so important, or I was frightened of the consequences of getting others involved. Truth be told, the man who was the root of all my trials had confused me. (If you read “Peanut-Butter Cookies – That’s The Way The Cookie Crumbled” or “Would You Like A Cup Of Tea?” you may understand why I was confused.)
This man seemed to have decided to make my life miserable…he was a very influential man. He was a popular celebrity. He had been using social media to spread his dissatisfaction with me which had intensified my isolation. I am a softie…I don’t fight with people. I had never been in this situation before.
My isolation had been increasing over time. One Tuesday evening, I felt I could not go home to where I lived because I might see him again. I had seen him several times during the previous days and he had shown his usual hostility. So I did not go home. I went to a local park. I sat on a bench and allowed tears to stream down my face. I was overwhelmed by this challenge…I felt not just alone, but all alone. Isolated in my emotional pain. Maybe you have experienced that kind of alone…”all alone”…feeling under intense stress and not knowing who you can turn to.
In London you are not often alone physically. There are always lots of people around. When I arrived in the park there were joggers, dog-walkers, cyclists. A man sat next to me on the bench. A complete stranger. It was him. I was not afraid at first, I was caught up in my burdensome brooding. But I do remember what happened when I stood up with the sudden awareness that now it was dark and there were no joggers, dog-walkers, cyclists anywhere I looked. I had decided I should not be there. I said it out loud. I actually said, “I should go home.” I try not to think about him. Despite what he did that night, the damage was already done. Caramel was already crushed long before that night.
Now I am going to take you forward several hours. A security guard had found me…he had found me left in bushes with obvious injuries. He had called an ambulance.
The rest of the day…well I remember an array of flashes and noises. I was asked many questions, the same questions over and over, by paramedics, nurses, doctors, police…everyone introduced themselves…I still remember some of their names, Gary, Patrick, Michelle, Daryl, Samara, Naomi, Carol, Jyoti, Michael, another Michael…I cannot remember their roles, but I can remember their words. I was asked again and again what I could remember. I would be asked that question many many more times.
I was also asked who they could call…I kept on saying “Noone, please, not yet.” I told them where I lived, but I begged them not to contact anyone yet. I knew that my family and friends would be very distressed. I needed time to be able to muster the strength to reassure them that I was alright and everything was going to be alright.
I drifted in and out of consciousness…after a whole day and night in the hospital I woke up on the Thursday morning feeling numb and empty. One of the first people I saw that morning must have been a ward clerk, with the task of arranging discharges. She introduced herself as Sally. She asked me how I was getting home? had I arranged my transport home? was someone coming to pick me up? or would I be making my own way home? I felt horrified…suddenly the thought of going back to my accommodation after what had happened to me in the park was impossible in my mind.
How could I go back there? He was still there…the man who had been making my life unbearable for two years. There were scores of neighbours who had been speculating about the relationship between he and I. Over the two years thousands of cruel words had been spread about me. I had been taunted and mocked about him. Hundreds, perhaps thousands of others – friends, workmates, and his fans had read his posts about me on his social media sites. He even used me as the subject of a comedy sketch he was involved in on an entertainment show. After that I received many many more remarks about his view of me. I had been enduring all of that for almost two years and it had essentially crushed me.
This site is Crushed Caramel. I am finally sharing with you what crushed Caramel. Not what happened that night in the park, but the two years beforehand. Now…with my physical injuries and the horror inside of me of what had happened during the night I was in the park…how could I go back now? I was not ready.
I said to Sally that I had not made any arrangements yet. I asked her what time did I have to leave? was the bed I was in needed by another patient? She had a look at my notes and replied that I should not worry until the consultant made his rounds. I was worried though! When the consultant came…I asked him what time I had to leave. He made it clear that I was not going anywhere. He said that they would be keeping an eye on me for the next few days. I was relieved. Pressure lifted, I felt that would allow me the time to work out what next. Who should I call?
My best friend Marta was on holiday in Spain, visiting her family. My closest sister Milly had just flown out to Central Africa to begin a new project. I did not want to call my parents just then because I knew they would be anxious, possibly devastated if they saw what had happened to me. My flatmates, Ivo and Lyn, were also on holiday. I did not want to call my boss or anyone too important. I had many friends in London, but they were all friends of my ex-flatmate. I was frightened they would tell him what had happened to me. There was one thing I was sure of, I did not want him to know.
Momentarily, I felt desperately alone. For the first time since I arrived at the hospital I began to cry. It was not being on my own, but feeling all alone. There seemed to be noone who could really take the weight of this enormous challenge away from my shoulders, noone who could lift the heavy burden on my heart. The pressure inside me was welling up and out poured tears. I cried silently. But the raw pain inside was burning away.
That was when these words suddenly started to echo around my mind:
If I would fly away with the wings of the dawn to reside by the most remote sea, Even there your hand would lead me and your right hand would take hold of me.
If I say: “Surely darkness will conceal me!” Then the night around me would become light. Even the darkness would not be too dark for you. But night would be as bright as the day; Darkness is the same as light to you.
You may know these words well or perhaps you have never heard those words before. You may have other sources you turn to for comfort and wisdom. But these were the beautiful words that started to sing within me. The pain, the pressure, the panic melted. Comfort invaded the space they had been occupying. Comfort in the shape of warmth, of courage, of knowing I was not alone. The awareness that I had a friend who was far bigger than any challenge I could ever face, far more powerful than the worst of my fears, was immensely comforting. I felt as if a great pair of arms lifted me up out of the bed I was resting in and gave me a bear hug!
Those last words “darkness is the same as light to you”. Momentarily the gloominess of my situation had overwhelmed me. However, even if my pain was dark and bitter and I could not see hope ahead or a way out…well, He could. To Him, it was clear as day…night might as well be day. He saw past the darkness, He could see everything and understood everything.
More words came into my head and comforted me.
I have many friends and family members. At times though I had felt as if they didn’t understand who I really was on the inside. Everyone thought I was a little ray of sunshine. I tried to be happy and friendly with everyone. I had tried for those past two years to conceal the pain of essentially being bullied and tormented. I had tried to laugh it off, to make light of it, to pretend I was not bothered by the cruel words uttered against me. As I mentioned, I had felt all alone because there did not seem to be anyone I could turn to for help with this challenge. The words that came into my head again in a loud and reassuring tone were these:
My bones were not hidden from you when I was made in secret. When I was woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes even saw me as an embryo. All its parts were written in your book. Regarding the days when they were formed before any of them existed.
To feel all alone, to feel as if there was nobody that really understood me or could help me with this challenge…how wrong I was! From the moment I was conceived He knew I existed. Nothing has escaped his notice. He knows every detail of my mind and the depths of my heart. There I was alone in hospital, but now I knew I was not alone! I was now infused with the peace and calm and power I needed to face the future.
It gave me the courage to face with calmness everything I needed to do. I rang our Mandy, who was the only family member I thought could see me with my injuries without sobbing. Mandy is one tough cookie. She jumped in the car and came straight down to London. She did cry when she saw me, but she managed to control herself as she saw that I needed calm. Together we rang a close friend of mine who was of great influence. He promised to look after all of my arrangements in London.
All of these beautiful expressions, which were penned around 3000 years ago, were evidence to me that we were never intended to have an isolated existence. Being on your own is good for you at times, but feeling all alone is not good…it is not what we were designed for. We thrive on love – showing love and knowing we are loved. To me these special words breathe love and deep personal interest.
To sum up the effect of these words, I would like to share my quote for today. If you ever feel all alone. Isolated, with a challenge that is beyond your ability to deal with. If your heart is weighed down with grief or anxiety and you cannot see any light ahead. The quote, the 2,700 year old famous words that empowered me like never before were these:
Do not be afraid. I…will help you.
And He did! Every step!
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Many of us are very sad at the news that First Fridays, Daily Prompt and The Community Pool are no more to be…We are all hoping there will be ways to keep the connections going. Well one way appears to be challenges bloggers can nominate each other for. So this post is Day Three of the Three Day Challenge.
I was nominated for this audacious challenge by Mr Mark Anthony, as you can see from his post. Thank you Mark Anthony…the nomination gave me some ideas regarding more lessons in life that Caramel has indeed learned. I am pleased to be able to share them on the Crushed Caramel site.
https://markanthonysthings.wordpress.com/2018/05/24/3-days-3-quote-challenge-day-1-1st-tag-be-inspire/?wref=pil&wref=pil
THE RULES:
• Thank the person who nominated you.
• Post a quote for three consecutive days (1 quote for each day).
• Nominate 3 different bloggers for each day.
“ Do not be afraid. I will help you.”
CRUSHED CARAMEL (LEARNER AT LOVE) – DAY THREE OF THE THREE DAY – THREE QUOTE CHALLENGE
My nominees :
https://pepperedwithstories.com
https://gratefulsinglemoms.com
https://mylifes810015070.wordpress.com
I love looking at your posts and appreciate all of your support and encouragement.
I hope you enjoy this challenge as much as I have. Maybe you will have something fun, wise or inspirational to you that you can share with us.
As for my own posts…well I promise you for the rest of the week they will be much more light-hearted! I don’t want you to worry…we will come back to this subject at a much later date.
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I am alright now, (I think) but for a long time the situation with my ex-flatmate Jack kept my nerves on a knife-edge. I know there are some people who make a career out of being the subject of idle gossip for others, but that has never been something I wanted for myself.
Although my physical injuries were healing up nicely, I was deeply self-conscious in so many ways. I was very nervous around men. I was very aware of my head! I felt secure with a hat on, or a bandana or scarf in the summer. I found London overwhelming. I felt very lost at times. I found bright lights gave me severe headaches. I always wore sunglasses out of doors. The first six months, I was hiding myself with hats, headscarves and sunglasses
But it has taken a long time to be able to battle the anxiety that other people, people I admire and respect, think terrible things of me. That realization has made me pretty dismal at times.
As far as many of them are concerned, I was acting strangely, sneaking in and out of my own home at unusual hours, becoming cagey and defensive and emotional…and then I disappeared for a year. I returned to London wearing hats and sunglasses (with style!) and not answering questions openly.
I love Jack very much. It’s a wonderful stage in our relationship. We have know each other years. Yet we are still in that gorgeous first stage in a relationship of falling more in love every time we meet. It’s all still very exciting. Jack has left London again and he will be away for a few weeks (unless things change due to the …you know…). He wouldn’t let me go to the airport with him because of the risk of the virus. I had wanted to. It brought back memories of travelling to the airport with someone else to say goodbye. When I miss Jack, I also miss someone else.
I have a feeling in my heart, more like a dread, that the next time I am with him, it will be the “Goodbye” I have known was coming for a whole year and am so mournful about now that it finally has drawn near. I saw a quote when I was thinking about losing Goldfinch. It said “How wonderful to have someone who makes saying goodbye so hard”…the jury is still out on that one!
It will be goodbye. I am not going to explain all the reasons in this post, but maybe at a later date, I will explain why I am convinced it will be a real goodbye.
For now, I am trying to hold myself together so that Goldfinch does not comprehend the depth of my grief in losing him. Once he has gone, then I will crumble. Until then, he will only know joy and delight with me.
Sunday is here! I have been out all morning and it is gorgeous outside!
Caramel 