Where Will I Be Without Him?


faded love.jpg

Since I said goodbye to Goldfinch in the early hours of Monday morning (which is less than a week ago, although it feels like much longer), he has been in Belgium and he is very soon on his way to Italy. Any day he will call me to say his flight is booked to Australia.

There is a lot he would like to squeeze in before he travels back to live on the opposite side of the planet.  I cannot blame him.  I am thrilled for him really.  I love him, why would I ever resent him seizing every opportunity life throws at him?

goodbyesI have a feeling in my heart, more like a dread, that the next time I am with him, it will be the “Goodbye” I have known was coming for a whole year and am so mournful about now that it finally has drawn near. I saw a quote when I was thinking about losing Goldfinch.  It said “How wonderful to have someone who makes saying goodbye so hard”…the jury is still out on that one!

It will be goodbye.  I am not going to explain all the reasons in this post, but maybe at a later date, I will explain why I am convinced it will be a real goodbye.

For now…I am starting to contemplate where I will be without him? Where I was before? Lost? Lacklustre? Reticent of love? Reluctant to allow hope any room in my heart?

I have had an entire year of warmth and vibrant joy and have been very much in love. Goldfinch found me just over two years after I had been the victim of a crime that has changed my life.  It was just over a year after I had returned to London. I was a bit of an ice-queen…determined not to let anyone else break me. Goldfinch became my shelter from the storm. I have to be ready to brave that storm again.

For now, I am trying to hold myself together so that Goldfinch does not comprehend the depth of my grief in losing him.  Once he has gone, then I will crumble.  Until then, he will only know joy and delight with me.

And now you see, I find a new appreciation for all the posts that have been inspired by him. How pleased I am that I have been writing about him. They will be a memorial to a lost love.  I may crumble, but I have an abundance of pages recording my year of joy and love and warmth that will remain intact. I am so pleased to have a treasure of pages to reminisce about the man that brightened my life and warmed my heart this past year.  Homage to my ray of hope.

I was lost…

…but it didn’t matter when Goldfinch found me.

I had broken wings…

…they didn’t hurt so much when Goldfinch started to fly with me.

If you know a little about opera, then I am sure you will understand why I am posting a link to the song below…one of the prettiest of love songs in the opera world.  If you are not sure of the story behind “Un Bel Di”, it makes an interesting read on a Sunday and will delight you I am sure.

If you ever have chance to hear it sung on stage, you are in for a treat! The haunting echoes of the orchestra ricochet around the theatre making the hairs stand up on the back of your neck!

nascosta (in bold type) means hidden

Un bel di vedremo
levarsi un fil di fumo sull’estremo confin del mare.
E poi la nave appare.
Poi la nave bianca entra nel porto,
romba il suo saluto.
Vedi? È venuto!
Io non gli scendo incontro. Io no.
Mi metto là sul ciglio del colle
e aspetto, e aspetto gran tempo e non mi pesa
la lunga attesa.
E… uscito dalla folla cittadina
un uom, un picciol punto
s’avvia per la collina.
Chi sarà? Chi sarà?
E come sarà giunto?
Che dirà? Che dirà?
Chiamera Butterfly dalla lontana.
Io senza dar risposta
me ne staro nascosta
un po’ per celia e un po’ per non morire al primo incontro,
ed egli alquanto in pena chiamerà, chiamerà:
“Piccina mogliettina, olezzo di verbena,”
i nomi che mi dava al suo venire.
Tutto questo avverà, te lo prometto.
Tienti la tua paura, – io con sicura fede l’aspetto.
GIACOMO PUCCINI – as if you didn’t know!




FOWC with Fandango — Shelter



Song Lyric Sunday Theme for 10/14/18

He Is Like A Dream

Moments with Goldfinch…which will soon be memories of Goldfinch…which will be like dreams.  He and I walking hand in hand through autumnal forest, finding ourselves quite alone in an enchanting glade with golden rays of sunlight streaming through the canopy above.  How beautiful to share those moments with Goldfinch, how beautiful my memories, how beautiful my dreams!

On Sunday, Goldfinch said he wished I was just down the road so that whenever he wanted he could come over and chat and hold me for a few hours.

At the moment he is a two hour drive away (but because we both tend to use the train or coach to travel, it works out closer to three hours).  It is hard to explain the excitement that builds when I am about to see him again. Hearing his Australian tones utter the words “Hey Gorgeous!” and his arms wrapping around me….aaaaah! (I know he should get his eyes tested, but we won’t worry about that right now!)

But then there is the agony of saying goodbye and having to make the journey back to my little abode without him.

Long distance relationships are not easy…I know at least one other blogger who totally understands this, as she explained her situation in a comment she sent last week.

You end up dreaming your life away because you miss each other so much. I guess I am going to have to get used to this…in the near future…two or three hours will seem like nothing.  10,100 miles is a lot further than 110 miles.  I have a lot of dreaming ahead of me.

I am sure there is a limit to how much you can tolerate of me publishing posts about my love for my Goldfinch…but remember, he is going soon…and then I will be profoundly sad…and I will surely be writing mournful dirges and odes to my long lost love.


FOWC with Fandango — Limit


I Only Wanna Be With You

There is one man on the planet right now who makes me excited and loved.

To me, Goldfinch is the quintessence of man!

I quite simply love him!

Sometimes he seems to have too much on his plate, his head full of worries.  He has a very demanding job. Even I get annoyed at the ridiculous and radical requests of his seniors at work. When he has finally finished work and goes back to his digs, he has little space to himself, as he shares a house with other professionals.

He loves his head being rubbed…I love massaging his head (don’t know what I am doing, but he likes it).  I sometimes wish I could hold him tight and let all his worries melt away.

I love him so much…I wish I could hide him away from the rest of the world in my little nest and not let anyone mither him.  Aaaaah gorgeous Goldfinch…if only I could make life and work easier for him.





FOWC with Fandango — Radical

What It Means To Me

The definition of the word “enrapture”
according to the Crushed Caramel dictionary:


Me waiting for Goldfinch at the station:

Me when I finally see him arrive:


Me every moment he is with me:

in love






It’s nice to be a pretty lovebird in love with a stunningly gorgeous lovebird!

You do realize I am not going to be able to sit down and concentrate on a serious post until I am parted from Goldfinch!  You are not going to get much sense out of me this weekend.

And my Goldfinch and I will be “cheap cheap cheaping” and “tweet tweet tweeting” for the rest of the weekend…

love birds

And I am dancing around finishing off my house-work this morning, so excited about being with him again!




FOWC with Fandango — Cheap




Goldfinch Is Not Very Well Right Now

Lovely Goldfinch came back to England with some form of cold.  He is a bit poorly sick right now.

If he were here with me I would spoil him so much. I would make fresh soup and bake bread to make him feel better. I guess to me, it is one of the most satisfying ways to express love, caring practically for the needs of someone I hold dear.

I would stroke his brow and fluff his pillows.  He would want for nothing at all.  He would not have to cajole or petition me, I would anticipate his every need.

I worked within nursing care for a number of years. I guess over eight years in total.  I have cared for many terminally ill patients and also older patients who had some form of dementia (goodness the stories I absolutely cannot share with you due to confidentiality!)

I find that my years in healthcare have nurtured a huge fondness for making a fuss of someone who is ill. If Goldfinch were here, oh goodness I would treat him like royalty!

In fact….as he is a few years older than I am, I have occasionally teased him that I will be his carer if he becomes sick or loses his mobility as he ages. Not that he enjoys me making him imagine the future decades ahead.

But I do mean it.  I wasn’t entirely kidding when I told him if he became sick and needed a carer he should ask me to come over from England to Australia.  Of course I would!  I can’t imagine anything more satisfying than supporting someone you love through a challenge.

I know I could do it.  I have cared for patients right up until their last breaths and I have always made sure that they get the best, the golden standard of healthcare.  It is a special role to play.  How much more for someone you adore.

Of course, Goldfinch is not that ill right now…he has some form of cold.  Although I should not belittle his symptoms because we all know how serious it can be for a man to be ill.

I am a huge softie, not like one of those hard stern matron type nurses.  I am the one who is going to be full of sympathy and comfort.  An exemplary molly coddler!

I just don’t like to think of Goldfinch being on his own while he is ill. Suffering in solitude is a miserable thing indeed.

Well…one thing I know always makes me a million times better when I am ill is sleep.  If I have the opportunity to sleep twelve hours overnight, I usually beat whatever is making me poorly.

I even have a playlist for when I am ill, with mostly quiet gentle soothing songs and music.  You know the kind of sleepy music that makes it easier to nod off. I just had a look through the selection of songs I have on my “Melodies for Maladies” playlist and this one was right at the top:

It starts like a lullaby, although it does become a bit intense and dire at the end!




FOWC with Fandango — Guess


Come Let Me Love You…Let Me Give My Life To You


You can have no idea the relief and utter gladness that has poured into my heart since my last post.

Goldfinch (and I know he is a bit fed up hearing about my ex-flatmate) has had a very good reason for not replying to any of my calls, voice mails and text messages.  I had a gift here waiting for his next visit, and I wondered if I should post it to him with a sorry card.  But now, I am going to keep it here, for I hope I will soon be wrapped up in his arms again.


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He has not seen any of them.  I completely forgot he was going away.

I had just done some food shopping for me and my landlady and bought myself treats so I could comfort eat my way out of my sadness, when I remembered I have a work number for him, a mobile phone number that belongs to a work phone.  He answered the phone straight away.  I was so relieved to hear his voice!  I was sobbing on the phone because of the huge surge of relief and joy that I felt.

He is away and has been since I started believing that he was angry with me because I expressed my dissatisfaction over his opinions of Jack.

woman cryingI thought he was angry.  He said of course he is not.  I have cried and cried this week, thinking I had hurt him and he was refusing to speak to me.  Oh my goodness, what is he going to think when he sees all my heart broken messages when he gets back?

I am not going to worry about that right now.  I am just going to enjoy the ecstasy of love and relief when you find the man you are in love with is just as wonderful as you imagined he was.  Yippppppeeeeeee!

You are either going to love or hate this song… at the right time I love it.  I love it today, because it is gorgeous and is everything I feel towards that wonderful man – Goldfinch!  My hero!


I Need A…

Just about to go and do a bit of shopping and a few errands for my landlady…and some of my own shopping and errands…multitasking and trying to ensure I work my way through my long “to-do” list.

I am heavy hearted…you may know why if you have seen my recent posts.

I want Goldfinch so much, I want to feel his arms around me.  I am weeping floods of tears about the possibility of not spending time with him before he goes back to Australia.

Love ain’t no game.  It can hurt like crazy.  It is hurting now.  I should have kept Jack in his box and high up on the shelf and not let him get under Goldfinch’s skin.

distraught.jpgThe awfulness of the situation with Jack makes me feel paralysed. I don’t know what to do. I tried everything with Jack and it made things worse. So I am frightened to try anything with Goldfinch. I don’t want him to hate me.

But, I must press on, I have so much to do.  Being busy is a good thing…plenty of rest, plenty of work, and my best friends have promised me something to cheer me up.  We are going to go out at the weekend and unashamedly sing our hearts out – London, you have been warned, KARAOKE QUEEN is making a visit to a venue near you this coming weekend.  Get ready!

I would love to have chance to sing this song.  As soon as I saw the Word Of The Day, I started singing it:


FOWC with Fandango — Game