What Did Suzie Have To Say About It?

For a start, you may ask, who is Suzie?

I shared a flat with Suzie, Tina and Marta for three years.  Suzie was always very easy to get on with.  The dynamics of our flat were amusing to many.  Everyone said Marta was papa bear, I was mama bear and Suzie and Tina were baby bears.  Or as another friend said, Marta bought everything for the flat, I cleaned everything in the flat, and Suzie broke everything in the flat, Tina was just little and cute.

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is susgyfgtktd.pngSuzie and I got on as soon as we started working together. We both loved to laugh. Suzie is an amazing dancer. She has always been very popular because she is fun loving and loves parties. She loves shoes, she had a ridiculous amount of shoes which were stacked on top of each other in a pile that took up half of her wardrobe. Some of her shoes I liked, some of her shoes I thought were bizarre, but whenever she wore the shoes I thought were strangest, she received a bundle of compliments about them.

By the time I was living in a flat with my ex-flatmate – you know I have been thinking that is is becoming quite confusing talking about him all of the time as my ex-flatmate. So I am going to make up a name for him.  There is no way I would say his real name. Let’s call him Jack, erm…Jack Barnes.  Right, I hope you are awake, because from now on I am going to call my ex-flatmate (the one who crushed Caramel) Jack Barnes.

Suzie was married by the time I was living in the same flat as Jack. I had moved out of the flat we shared into another flat in the next road. Suzie and I used to spend so much time together before she was married, but I felt it best to give her some space when she was married. I did go round for dinner and loved that her husband cooked amazing jollof rice and plantain. I have loved plantain ever since I spent time in Ghana.

Suzie and I would try to meet on a regular basis after work to run home together. We lived about three miles away from where we worked. We could lengthen the distance we ran for by taking a circuitous route. I loved running. At that stage, I was running at least three times a week. I would do one long run of around 8 miles and two shorter runs of around 4 or 5 miles each week. The run home with Suzie was an extra and I enjoyed it because we used to chat almost the whole time we were running.

So what did Suzie have to say about the situation with Jack? Hmm, I think I have to go further back in time.

monopoly

Suzie was one of the first people who said I would be perfect for Jack. She had known him for years and their parents knew each other. I know that besides the fact Jack and I were both devoted to working as volunteers on various projects and were both known for being studious, people loved that we both had the same fondness for what we did in our spare time. We were very keen on karaoke and monopoly (not at the same time). That seemed to be everyone’s main focus for a while. I laughed, I just commented that if two people both love monopoly and karaoke, what else is there to worry about? I mean what else could ever be an issue? Karaoke and monopoly are clearly the foundation of a successful relationship!

In addition you probably need to know that Suzie’s husband was a very close friend of Jack’s.  They socialized together a lot.  He also seemed to think I would be perfect for Jack, but he warned me, Jack is not very sensitive to women and can come across a bit ignorant. He told me of several women who had been more than offended by him. He told me Jack is like a teenager and has never really learnt to understand women.

I also knew that Suzie’s husband and other friends who were very close to Jack had started to tease him about me. Especially a young man named Jamal. I will tell you more about Jamal in another post. But, I know that the teasing started with Jamal, Suzie’s husband and a group of their friends. Young men who were fun, popular and addicted to their phones…which is all how it started. I am sure that none of them had any intention of the explosion of invasive interest and insults that developed.

Suzie’s husband was one of the first to cotton on to the fact that what had originated with innocent teasing was starting to get out of hand. He took the time to discuss it with me and realized I was becoming alarmed at the comments I was receiving from complete strangers. From then on, Suzie and him tried to be as supportive as possible in a situation that was going to advance beyond anyone’s expectations. At the end of the day they cared for both Jack and me, and they tried their best to resolve the situation.

So much happened, it would take pages and pages to tell you everything Suzie said to me at every stage of the challenging situation that developed. It all makes up a huge tapestry of “he said this” and “she thought that” and is endless! So what did Suzie say after Jack sat down with me and made me a cup of tea?

Joggers, Women, Road, Run, Jog, MovementSuzie and I ran home together one evening that following week. First of all, she wanted to know if I was alright. I told her how happy I was with Jack.  Suzie seemed surprised.

Her main concern was my reaction to what everyone else was saying about Jack and I. She confirmed that the consensus of opinion was that Jack and I were now a couple, but she also said that even she was shocked at what she had heard and seen during that week.

I am sick of gossip and rumours Suzie. Other people have piled so much pressure on both Jack and me, it has ruined the atmosphere in the flat. I just want to be able to feel relaxed in my own home and for Jack to feel relaxed. I honestly thought that by now, people would have become bored and moved on to gossiping about someone else, but it doesn’t seem as if that is ever going to happen. So I only have one choice, to ignore what is being said and not to let it interfere with my life and life in the flat.”

Well done Mel. I think you are right. All you can do is ignore it. I just want you to be happy. You only deserve to be happy. So does Jack. If you could try to ignore the rest of the world, and don’t worry what anyone else thinks, maybe… just maybe, things will be easier between you and Jack.”

But even Suzie asked me if I thought there was any possibility, after all the damage, that anything more might develop between Jack and I.

Much as I loved Suzie, and loved spending time with her, the truth is I no longer trusted her with my feelings about Jack. I suspected she would share whatever I said with her husband and it would then go back to Jack. I truly wanted it to be Jack and I alone who discussed any possible prospects for a future relationship. So I tried to throw cold water all over the idea that anything could ever develop. I said I really did want to enjoy being friends and flatmates. That was all that mattered to me.

Suzie asked me if I knew what Jack wanted next. Now, how would I know what Jack wanted next?

I shrugged my shoulders and said that since the conversation the weekend before we had not had another heart to heart, we were just enjoying each other’s company more. Suzie then told me that Jack was making it known to his friends and colleagues that there was something between he and I.

Suzie, if he has something he wants to talk about to me, he knows where I live.  I am not going to worry about it. We have only just started to get along again. I am in no rush to jeopardise that.”

That’s fine Mel, just be prepared. He thinks you like him a lot.”

More to come:

via Circuitous — Word of the Day Challenge

https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2018/09/04/your-daily-word-prompt-consensus-september-4th-2018/

FOWC with Fandango — Tapestry

What Happened After That Cup Of Tea?

This is Part 2 of THE STORM IN A TEACUP SERIES. It was written over two years ago, before Jack and I made peace. We have come a long way!

You may or may not remember a post I published some time ago entitled:

Well, I have finally been able to sit down and write about what happened after that strange conversation.  It’s been hard going, because my emotions are still a bit volatile whenever I recall the events that led up to that night I went to a London park on my own and woke up the next day in an ambulance.  But I  am relieved I have managed to get so much out of my heart and onto paper. So during the next few days, I am going to present the events of the week that followed that conversation over a cup of tea.

Cup Of TeaSo, here we go:

At first, I was slightly in shock, because I had not been expecting the words he uttered, and I was bowled over at the humility he had displayed.  Those beautiful expressions he directed towards me played games with my mind.  Over the next twenty-four hours my feelings developed at a reckless pace.  Every real or perceived offence or transgression on his part vanished far from my mind. By the time I had percolated my emotions, I was left with admiration, esteem, fondness and joy which before had been almost buried beneath frustration, hurt, bewilderment and humiliation.

All that was forgotten with the new-found elation he had triggered in me. He seemed very happy too.  The air seemed to have lifted completely. He chatted with me freely in front of the rest of our flatmates and any visitors. Outside of the flat he was comfortable with me. In front of our neighbours and friends he treated me pleasantly and gallantly. I enjoyed the freedom of being able to talk and laugh with him. I was curious about the gentle and fond glances he kept on sending my way.

thank-you.jpgIt affected me deeply. It was hard to suppress my smiles. I loved every moment of his company when he was like this. I was brimming over with delight. I can’t remember ever feeling so intensely happy with any other man in my life. So I did something I have done thousands of times over the years to all sorts of different people. I sat down and wrote a thank you card to him.  I wrote that I had been touched by his humility and kindness and was so grateful that finally the air had cleared.  I wrote that I too wanted us to be friends and enjoy living in the flat together.

He seemed thoroughly pleased and gratified with my thank you card.  Of course he thanked me personally for it.

I loathe to admit what happened next…

cyberbullyThe rumours began to arrive back with me.  The words I heard ranged from cute to crude, from ridicule to outright rude, from drole to dreadful, from silly to slanderous, from vile to vicious.  If I give you a tame example, you will wonder what I was upset about, but if I give you examples of the most degrading things said and published on social media, it will make my site unsuitable for readers of all ages to read – so use your imagination. As they stacked up, I became troubled.  In essence, people thought my flatmate and I were now an official item, that we were now “going public” about an intimate relationship which we had been apparently been trying to keep a secret.

Even my best friends asked me if it was true that he and I had now “got together”.  I assured them that was not the case at all, I told them we had just sat down and had a chat and cleared the air, and we both felt so much better now.

So, you haven’t slept together?  You are not going out with him?

No! Of course not! No, I am not going out with him.”

Well, that’s what everyone is saying.”

Ugh!  I was sick of all of these ridiculous rumours.  I intensely disliked that he was a celebrity and seemed to be always on the radar for people to create fanciful stories and fiction regarding his personal life, which was now invading my privacy and peace of mind. I wondered how people could say these things? Why didn’t they get a life! Or at least a hobby, something that would absorb their attention in a more constructive way – like chess, or oil-painting, or fly-fishing. Anything!  Just leave me alone!

I think my close friends believed me, but they asked probing questions, seemingly determined that there was something I was not being fully open about.

But would you like something to develop with him?”

I can’t really answer that.  At the moment he is being wonderful.  But I’ve spent months thinking he could not stand me because he has been so hostile. It’s only been a couple of days since we’ve been getting on I just hope he is being genuine, well, I will have to wait and see how long it lasts.”

“You do like him don’t you?

love backgroundIt was only to my best friend Marta, that I was brave enough to admit, “If he stays like this then I am going to fall in love with him“.

My friends showed me some awful comments and photos on various forms of social media of or about my flatmate and I. Most were being spread through Whatsapp groups, but they were spilling over onto Instagram, Facebook and other forms of sharing brainless nonsense.

watching flatI was amazed at how many photographs must have been snapped up of he and I during the last two days while we were near home. Who was taking these photos? Could it have been one of our neighbours? Or several of our neighbours? Or just people passing and recognizing him and seeing an opportunity? It seems unlikely that it was just one person. But why take these pictures and then use them to make up stories that were untrue? Was it even legal to be publishing their baseless presumptions? I hated seeing what people had written about the photos that were being shared.  So crass!

There were a couple of photos that were strange. In one he seemed to be playing with my hair, but I am sure he never did. Another, I remember holding his bag for him while he ran back up to the flat to find his keys. When he came down to the foyer of our block of flats, he had taken his bag from me and put it on the floor and knelt down and started rooting through his bag and sure enough, the keys were in the bag. Somehow, someone had caught a photo of him leaning forward (I think it was as he was about to kneel) and it looked as if he was coming in towards me for a kiss). I saw immediately the way it looked. I now realize how cameras can tell lies, for all he was doing was kneeling down.

There was one photo that had been taken from a very unfortunate camera angle. I remember he had opened a car door for me and I had turned around and smiled graciously thanking him. But in the photo it looked as if his hand was on my behind and I was enjoying it. Believe me, he did not lay a finger on me, otherwise there really would have been a story to tell, along with a black eye. But it was just the angle the picture was taken. He had his right hand held out as he was inviting me to get into the car…and it really did look as if his hand was planted firmly on my derriere and I was giving him a smile of enjoyment. Ugh!

Ugh! Sometimes, I hate cameras, hate social media…or at least the way some heartless people have used them.

I will finish this post for now…but I have more to come….look out for:

via Volatile — Word of the Day Challenge

https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2018/09/03/your-daily-word-prompt-transgression-september-3rd-2018/

FOWC with Fandango — Loathe

Hiding The Bruises

incognitoI am alright now, (I think) but for a long time the situation with my ex-flatmate Jack kept my nerves on a knife-edge. I know there are some people who make a career out of being the subject of idle gossip for others, but that has never been something I wanted for myself.

Even when I was living with Jack, the rumours about the two of us were so upsetting, I tried to leave the flat earlier than anyone else and arrive home in the dark. I was sneaking in and out of my own home, to escape the attention of whoever it was who kept these shocking rumours breeding.

When I returned to London, after almost a year of resting and recovering from the physical injuries I had sustained the night I was assaulted (and then…being left for dead underneath some bushes) I was pretty nervous.

Although my physical injuries were healing up nicely, I was deeply self-conscious in so many ways. I was very nervous around men. I was very aware of my head! I felt secure with a hat on, or a bandana or scarf in the summer. I found London overwhelming. I felt very lost at times. I found bright lights gave me severe headaches. I always wore sunglasses out of doors. The first six months, I was hiding myself with hats, headscarves and sunglasses

But what I found effected me most deeply was gossip. I saw friends and colleagues. They were confused about why I had disappeared for a year. Many of them thought I had left in disgrace. Just before I had been attacked, there were rumours that I was involved with a married man. I don’t really feel like writing about that today, but I will at some point. There are already a couple of posts where I have touched on it already:

embarrassedBut it has taken a long time to be able to battle the anxiety that other people, people I admire and respect, think terrible things of me. That realization has made me pretty dismal at times.

I could have caused trouble for Jack. I did not want to do that. I could have talked about being assaulted (I find it really difficult to use the R word still) and beaten up. But you know, I really did not want to. If I started talking about it, I would have been asked a thousand questions by people that I was not ready to answer. So instead I let them think whatever they wanted to think.

As far as many of them are concerned, I was acting strangely, sneaking in and out of my own home at unusual hours, becoming cagey and defensive and emotional…and then I disappeared for a year. I returned to London wearing hats and sunglasses (with style!) and not answering questions openly.

I am a lot more settled than I was then, more relaxed about everything, and my friends are more relaxed. They all seem genuinely glad to have me around and everyone is very polite about what has happened in the past. Some of my very close friends know a lot more about what happened of course, and when I need someone to talk to they are wonderful. But on the whole, everyone has been so incredibly discreet about what happened to me, which I am extremely grateful for.

But there is a kind of loneliness that comes with having a big secret that you hide. I hide all the details of what went on between Jack and I. I hide all the details about what happened to me in the park. People know not to push me with too many questions because I will leave.

Aaaaah!

Well…I have said enough for today. It takes it out of me thinking about things that I don’t want to think about! So, to end this post I wanted to share a song that I fell in love with, mainly because I have become such a huge fan of the voice of Kristina Train. But I liked the song too…it does touch me in my situation. I have put two versions for you just in case you prefer the acoustic version. I like both actually.

https://thehauntedwordsmith.wordpress.com/2018/11/27/daily-writing-challenge-nov-27/

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2018/11/27/dismal/

https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2018/11/27/your-daily-word-prompt-lost-november-27-2018/

FOWC with Fandango — Leave

I Suppose I Did For Five Minutes…But That Was Over Three Years Ago

Four years ago, I felt as if I could not go home, because I did not want to see Jack ever again. I was out with friends, and instead of going home, I went to a park, sat on a bench and cried. The next morning I woke up in an ambulance. I don’t think I want to think and write about it…any of it. I just want to enjoy my time with Goldfinch. Think of me…right now…in his arms…please be happy for me. 🙂

forest-2823910_1920

Will you forgive me for not being to keep up with every writing prompt that has caught my attention recently?  I have so many that I have started and are sitting in my drafts folder waiting for me to finish them.  Some I am determined to complete at some stage.

I loved the writing prompts in the August Write Away Challenge hosted by Sarah Elizabeth Moore

This is one of the posts I didn’t want to give up on:

When I lived in our family home, which for most of my childhood was with my parents, my brother and my two younger sisters (my older sisters are so much older, they had left home to go to university by the time I had started school) I never ever wished to run away.  I felt truly at home.  There were occasional challenges, but I was blessed to be reared in a haven of dependable love and trust.  Here is a photo of happy me…with my hair in pretty much the same state as this morning!

However, I left home in order to be able to work as a volunteer in a part of the country where there were a stack of projects and not many volunteers (partly because the cost of living in that area is so high).  Although the first year was hard, because I missed my family and friends up north so much, it did not really take me too long before I started to feel at home down south.  I made many wonderful friends and fell in love with the countryside.  I ended up living on the grounds of a beautiful stately home and being allowed to roam their gorgeous estate, and because they trusted me, I paid peanuts for my accommodation, which was another fortuitous factor in my volunteer career in the south of England.

 

Moving to London to become a full-time international volunteer was like a dream.  I had a rare opportunity as a single women to be chosen from many thousands who submitted applications.  That year there were two single women and sixty single men who met the criteria. Because of the physical demands and difficulties in the various challenging assignments, the number of single men vastly outweighs the number of single women. The physical, emotional, mental tests they put you under are designed to reveal if you really can take on a self-sacrificing role and if you really can be sent anywhere in the world and adapt to any way of living.

It was like coming home…even though I had been happy before.  I was happy on a different level. Everything felt right. The routine, the dignity, the rewarding work, the huge numbers of people I saw and worked with. I found I didn’t miss receiving wages. My main assignment would be in London, but at any point I could be sent elsewhere. I loved the astonishing variety London life offered. I found that I was thriving in this life-style.

celebrity.jpgHowever, as you may be aware if you have read some of the posts that relate to what crushed Caramel, it was here in London, that I faced a challenge the likes of which I had not faced before. It was no joke, though I think a lot of people were laughing.  If I can blame anyone or anything…I would like to blame “celebrity culture” and the puerile use of social media.

Sometimes it all feels like a blur, but it was two and a half years at least and it wore me down. The point at which I reached my limit was when rumours started (I think I know who started them) that I was having an affair with a married man, the husband of one of my close friends and workmates.  I was devastated (because this is not me).

After my friend and workmate, who was as distressed as I was about the rumours involving her husband, screamed at me within a public building in front of crowds of people, I was called into an office with two directors who were concerned about the incident and wanted to understand what was happening. They mentioned Jack. They knew him well and thought that he and I had gone from a romance to estrangement to bitter jealousy. I refused to discredit Jack.  I stood my ground and insisted that he was not to blame (although in my heart, I was certain he was).  They made it clear though that they wanted us to sort this out because they could not have anyone screaming in rage in the middle of a reception area were scores of visitors had been appalled by what they had seen.

More than ever, I wanted to talk with Jack and ask why, why, why was he doing this?  But all I received for months was glares and grimaces.  He made it clear that he was nursing a grudge.  A grudge that I could not comprehend.  Then that summer, I received some very concerning news about a relative who had become involved in a criminal court case and was featured in the news.  That situation deepened my anxiety and stretched me to the limit as I did all I could to help practically.  The last thing I needed was abject hostility from a man who was still sleeping in a bed just metres away from my own bed.

elevatorSo after seeing him frequently and feeling intensely shunned and despised by him…it was that evening when I was going out to meet my friends and I pressed the button for the elevator. The door opened and there he was.  His eyes full of disdain.

There was no way I was going to be able to stand inside the elevator on my own with him. So I took a couple of steps back and let him carry on alone.  That’s the last time I saw him close up. That was the moment I decided I wanted to run away from my beloved home to escape the nightmare.

I enjoyed the evening with my friends, but there was a huge surge of pain and despair that I was hiding from everyone…one of the girls who lived near me wanted to drive me home, but I said I would like to walk as it was still light. And walk I did, but in the opposite direction of home. That was my moment of running away from home. I walked towards the local park. On the opposite side of the park a fairground had popped up that weekend and there was a carnival atmosphere amongst the people I passed on the way to the park.

It was a beautiful summer’s evening.  It had been one of the hottest days of the year. There were joggers and dog-walkers and teenagers sitting in the grass talking and laughing when I arrived and when I sat down on a bench.

I was so consumed with despair, I did not notice that daylight had fled completely and there was no longer anyone else in the park, until a stranger sat down on the bench besides me.

Here is a strange coincidence about that location.  When I went back to that spot some time later (not on my own) I found my front door keys still there. Which was the most strange feeling. I didn’t find my missing shoe…navy with a slight frill detail above the toe, but I found my front door keys. They had been lying there undisturbed all that time. Even the police must have missed them.  I almost felt as if they had been waiting for me. It was a profound encouragement to me!

Over three years later, I still have not made it back home yet.  But I am working towards it!

FOWC with Fandango — Number

https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2018/09/22/your-daily-word-prompt-fortuitous-september-22nd-2018/

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2018/09/22/carnival/

https://thehauntedwordsmith.wordpress.com/2018/09/22/three-things-challenge-22-sept-2018/

When It’s Time To Say GoodBye…I’ll Be Waving Up At The Sky

We now have a leaving date! When I say “we”…of course I don’t mean we, I mean he. Goldfinch has booked his flight back to Australia. The plan is for him to spend some time here in London with me, just before he travels, and I will be with him right up to the last minute, when he says goodbye to fair old English shores.

I do understand security concerns at airports. But it is so hard having to say goodbye near the check-in gates and not be able to wait with him in the departure lounge. Not to be able to wave to his plane as it takes off. It just is not as romantic as the olden days.

In all honesty, it may be a good thing that I am not allowed past the check-in gates, I might be tempted to throw myself on the floor and grab hold of Goldfinch’s legs to stop him leaving me!

No…instead…I will have to be content with watching Goldfinch vanish behind a wall. And that will be it…GONE! Not knowing when, if ever at all, I will behold that beautiful smile again.

sky.jpg

There is no way I will be able to pick out the aeroplane carrying Goldfinch far away from me. I will be looking up at the sky waving at every plane, (just in case) until they disappear without a trace.

I am going to spare you a dramatic description of the stab of pain that will gush into my heart at that point. I felt it once last December when he went away for five weeks to spend the holidays with his family. There is no doubt in my mind that is going hurt more this time round. But I have known this moment was coming for over a year. So now is the time to be brave, to muster all my strength and help make every moment wonderful for Goldfinch.

Last December, I walked out of the terminal in tears. But as I made my way down the escalators to the Piccadilly line of the London Underground, I started hatching a plan to surprise him based on every little scrap of information I had heard him mention.

This time round…aaaaaaah! I think I will finish this post before I become too weepy.

 

 

 

 

https://thehauntedwordsmith.wordpress.com/2018/11/08/daily-writing-challenge-nov-8/

FOWC with Fandango — Trace

Shamelessly In Love

Last night I was waiting at the station for Goldfinch to arrive…I spotted him before he saw me. He was right behind a man who was walking up the steps slowly. As soon as I saw Goldfinch my face started to beam. Only, I think that the man in front of Goldfinch thought my smiles were for him. Because he started looking at me and smiling. He came through the barrier and started walking towards me. By then Goldfinch had seen me and cut through the crowds and reached me first. Thank goodness!

Aaaaaaah….isn’t it funny how everything seems to sparkle when you are walking hand in hand along London streets with a man who has the ability to enchant you and who makes your heart go booom booooom!

I had the chance to do something with Goldfinch that I have not done all year. This might sound daft, but I savoured every moment. I have always said to my friends, that I would rather share a bag of chips at a bus-stop with a man that I loved rather than be wined and dined by the wrong man. So for the very first time since I met Goldfinch, we bought some chips from a traditional fish & chip shop and munched them while we were waiting for the bus back to the little nest.

Aaaaaah! So happy! So very very happy!

Perhaps you have thought the same as I…that if only it were possible to bottle up that kind of happiness and save it for rainy days.

Goldfinch had to be back for work again today. So yet again I experienced 3.15am. The second time this month. Travelling across London on public transport with fellow passengers who seem to be fast asleep although their eyes are open.

Did I care I was leaving a warm snuggly bed to venture out into the chilled morning air? Not when I had Goldfinch holding my hand. Not when I was able to dance with him in the misty moonlight looking down over us. Not when I was able to sit close to him on the bus and feel his head leaning against my shoulder.

Aaaaaah! So so happy! Hot chocolates for us at the station before he boarded, and then all I could do was hang on to the last moment waving and blowing kisses to my Goldfinch, who had fallen asleep the moment he had relaxed into his seat. Still I received a wave and a blown kiss from some guy who obviously thought I was making quite a show of myself.

Shamelessly in love! Shamelessly happy!

 

https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2018/10/23/your-daily-word-prompt-enchant-October-23-2018/

FOWC with Fandango — Public

 

Where Will I Be Without Him?

 

faded love.jpg

Since I said goodbye to Goldfinch in the early hours of Monday morning (which is less than a week ago, although it feels like much longer), he has been in Belgium and he is very soon on his way to Italy. Any day he will call me to say his flight is booked to Australia.

There is a lot he would like to squeeze in before he travels back to live on the opposite side of the planet.  I cannot blame him.  I am thrilled for him really.  I love him, why would I ever resent him seizing every opportunity life throws at him?

goodbyesI have a feeling in my heart, more like a dread, that the next time I am with him, it will be the “Goodbye” I have known was coming for a whole year and am so mournful about now that it finally has drawn near. I saw a quote when I was thinking about losing Goldfinch.  It said “How wonderful to have someone who makes saying goodbye so hard”…the jury is still out on that one!

It will be goodbye.  I am not going to explain all the reasons in this post, but maybe at a later date, I will explain why I am convinced it will be a real goodbye.

For now…I am starting to contemplate where I will be without him? Where I was before? Lost? Lacklustre? Reticent of love? Reluctant to allow hope any room in my heart?

I have had an entire year of warmth and vibrant joy and have been very much in love. Goldfinch found me just over two years after I had been the victim of a crime that has changed my life.  It was just over a year after I had returned to London. I was a bit of an ice-queen…determined not to let anyone else break me. Goldfinch became my shelter from the storm. I have to be ready to brave that storm again.

For now, I am trying to hold myself together so that Goldfinch does not comprehend the depth of my grief in losing him.  Once he has gone, then I will crumble.  Until then, he will only know joy and delight with me.

And now you see, I find a new appreciation for all the posts that have been inspired by him. How pleased I am that I have been writing about him. They will be a memorial to a lost love.  I may crumble, but I have an abundance of pages recording my year of joy and love and warmth that will remain intact. I am so pleased to have a treasure of pages to reminisce about the man that brightened my life and warmed my heart this past year.  Homage to my ray of hope.

I was lost…

…but it didn’t matter when Goldfinch found me.

I had broken wings…

…they didn’t hurt so much when Goldfinch started to fly with me.

If you know a little about opera, then I am sure you will understand why I am posting a link to the song below…one of the prettiest of love songs in the opera world.  If you are not sure of the story behind “Un Bel Di”, it makes an interesting read on a Sunday and will delight you I am sure.

If you ever have chance to hear it sung on stage, you are in for a treat! The haunting echoes of the orchestra ricochet around the theatre making the hairs stand up on the back of your neck!

nascosta (in bold type) means hidden

Un bel di vedremo
levarsi un fil di fumo sull’estremo confin del mare.
E poi la nave appare.
Poi la nave bianca entra nel porto,
romba il suo saluto.
Vedi? È venuto!
Io non gli scendo incontro. Io no.
Mi metto là sul ciglio del colle
e aspetto, e aspetto gran tempo e non mi pesa
la lunga attesa.
E… uscito dalla folla cittadina
un uom, un picciol punto
s’avvia per la collina.
Chi sarà? Chi sarà?
E come sarà giunto?
Che dirà? Che dirà?
Chiamera Butterfly dalla lontana.
Io senza dar risposta
me ne staro nascosta
un po’ per celia e un po’ per non morire al primo incontro,
ed egli alquanto in pena chiamerà, chiamerà:
“Piccina mogliettina, olezzo di verbena,”
i nomi che mi dava al suo venire.
Tutto questo avverà, te lo prometto.
Tienti la tua paura, – io con sicura fede l’aspetto.
GIACOMO PUCCINI – as if you didn’t know!

 

 

 

FOWC with Fandango — Shelter

https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2018/10/14/your-daily-word-prompt-vibrant-october-14-2018/

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2018/10/14/ricochet/

Song Lyric Sunday Theme for 10/14/18

Next To Me Where You Should Be

night bus.jpgDid you know that there was a 3.15 in the morning?  It might seem hard to believe but, there really is!  I only know because this morning, I left my sweet abode to accompany Goldfinch into Central London where he would board a coach taking him far away from me.

The roads were completely silent right up until we reached the heart of London.  Well we saw foxes. Goldfinch loves foxes. (Ha ha – I think I already knew that!)

Hand in hand with the Goldfinch, dancing in the moonlight waiting for the night bus, singing every romantic song I could think of into his ear.

Standing there until the last minute so I could wave goodbye to him as the coach pulled away from the inner court of the station, and then running outside onto the main road so I could see the coach pass. Standing on the pavement waving at him…but he was looking down at his phone, so the coach-driver probably assumed I was some crazy lady waving at him.

night Big BenMaking my way back across London to my little nest.  Gazing up at the sky – pink and blue…the same colour as me.  Flushed pink with adoration and affection for my Goldfinch, blue once I have parted from him yet again, knowing my time with him is flitting away at an alarming pace.

Climbing back into bed and breathing in his scent on my pillow. Letting a few tears trickle down (I didn’t let my eyes leak once while I was with him) and deciding the only thing to do is to send him a text message “I LOVE YOU GOLDFINCH”…and then drifting away into sweet sleep. Wishing he was beside me, and we were all set to hibernate together for the winter months.

Opening my eyes realizing he is not there.  He should be, he should be next to me.  But he is already miles away, probably on his way to work by now, back to the grindstone, back to routine.

Goldfinch…should be always next to me.

 

 

 

 

FOWC with Fandango — Routine

https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2018/10/08/your-daily-word-prompt-hibernate-october-8-2018/

Flying With Goldfinch

G-g-g-g-g-guess who is coming to see me this weekend?

I have cancelled all my plans for Goldfinch…and I am not one bit sorry.  It’s such a trial trying to stay patient while I am waiting to share moments with him.

I can’t wait for the moment he arrives in London. I am going to try…it might not work, but I will try to throw one or two surprises into this weekend for him.

I will try to make him as happy, even a fraction as happy, as he makes me!

 

 

 

FOWC with Fandango — Trial

He Is Like A Dream

Moments with Goldfinch…which will soon be memories of Goldfinch…which will be like dreams.  He and I walking hand in hand through autumnal forest, finding ourselves quite alone in an enchanting glade with golden rays of sunlight streaming through the canopy above.  How beautiful to share those moments with Goldfinch, how beautiful my memories, how beautiful my dreams!

On Sunday, Goldfinch said he wished I was just down the road so that whenever he wanted he could come over and chat and hold me for a few hours.

At the moment he is a two hour drive away (but because we both tend to use the train or coach to travel, it works out closer to three hours).  It is hard to explain the excitement that builds when I am about to see him again. Hearing his Australian tones utter the words “Hey Gorgeous!” and his arms wrapping around me….aaaaah! (I know he should get his eyes tested, but we won’t worry about that right now!)

But then there is the agony of saying goodbye and having to make the journey back to my little abode without him.

Long distance relationships are not easy…I know at least one other blogger who totally understands this, as she explained her situation in a comment she sent last week.

You end up dreaming your life away because you miss each other so much. I guess I am going to have to get used to this…in the near future…two or three hours will seem like nothing.  10,100 miles is a lot further than 110 miles.  I have a lot of dreaming ahead of me.

I am sure there is a limit to how much you can tolerate of me publishing posts about my love for my Goldfinch…but remember, he is going soon…and then I will be profoundly sad…and I will surely be writing mournful dirges and odes to my long lost love.

 

FOWC with Fandango — Limit

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2018/10/01/glade/