Dear Jack…

Dear Jack…

I wish you joy and peace Jack. I want the very best for you. I don’t want to rake up everything that happened. I do want to live without this cloud hanging over me. All I want is for you and I to be sure that we are both on the same side, both wanting the best for each other, neither lingering in any kind of resentment or hurt.

Jack, there has been a lot of damage done. I don’t understand what has been going on between you and I, it’s confusing and frustrating. This extraordinary pressure on whether a romance would develop was unbearable. I was never against a romance developing. When you told me you loved me, I did not know how to react, I didn’t really believe you. But don’t you think we should both forget that for now and go back to building a basic friendship?

When I moved out of our apartment, I was trying to escape the situation, not you. I hoped things would be easier if we were not living together. I thought people would say less. I did not expect them to have more than ever to say. Those words did so much damage.

What happened to you? Why did you go from making me feel we were true friends to shunning and slandering me? Those words did so much damage. I would give anything to go back to the way things used to be.

More than anything you are one of the dearest men to my heart. I do love you very very much. I look up to you and admire you. With you, it is like looking up to an older brother who I am proud of and slightly in awe of. I have lived with you, I know all your faults and bad habits. Yet, I adore you.

Can we put all the damage away and agree that this should not have happened, but that we are both on the same team, working towards the same objectives, and support each other? I don’t know if you realize it, but the silence from you, the silence has done more damage than the words.

Where is peace? Where is forgiveness? If I knew how to get there, I would already be making my way to meet you on that bridge. Waiting to meet you with a heart full of peace, and words and looks and touches to show you that is all I want.  I would give anything, everything for this to be behind us.

I don’t know what words and looks of love and peace would win you over. The past has passed us by, but it’s the present and the future I am interested in. I cannot enjoy my present or my future thinking that you do not regret what happened, that you are triumphant at my suffering. I’m afraid I say too much here.

I want to be back in my life, back in my career, back in my home, back in my world and when I see you, don’t you dare be hostile! Don’t be watching out for my every error, waiting for me to fail. I do not have the strength to endure that. I am not interested in anything at all anymore except peace. I want you to be my friend, my brother, my teammate.

I love you Jack, in every way except a romantic way. Perhaps we both need to forgive each other. I don’t know what you want from me. But I want you to allow me to come home. Without making my life unbearable.

All my dearest, fondest love for a man who taught me so much and inspired me,

Your friend and sister

Your Melody…xx

__________

There are things I need to say to Jack. I need him to put his phone down and agree to sit down and chat preferably with a cuppa. In fact, I desperately want to have chance to sit down and talk to him before…well, I count every day as precious, and I just wish he would give me peace. I wish he would have given me the chance four years ago.

Many of my close friends and family blame Jack for so much of what happened to me. I have not had a sense of blame as such. Just raw hurt. I am not interested in blame. I think I know what Jack said and didn’t say. I think I know what Jack did and didn’t do. I think I understand what he shares some responsibility for, and what he really ought to regret. But he was not to know just how out of control the situation would become. I love him far too much to blame him for things that were not at all his fault. Still it would be of comfort to receive kindness and empathy in some form from him.

The past has passed. But I want to be back in my purposeful life, rather than just existing here. I can’t go back if he is going to carry on behaving in the same way that led me to the despair that caused me to go to that park on my own late at night.

So much has happened since, I don’t know how he will receive my words. I am so frightened to hurt him. I love him so dearly. The words I wish to say to Jack have not changed despite everything that has happened. All I want is peace.

____________

Is there anyone you need to forgive. Write a letter and link your post to Sarah’s original prompt page:

https://sarahelizabethmoore.org/2019/02/24/writing-prompt-8/