A Heavy Heart

The look you gave me when I refused to go up on stage and do a karaoke duet with you.

The cold shoulders, the icy stares.

The cool silence when you were with me.

The slamming doors – ugh that was childish – wasn’t it?

The rage just because I had gone out with a male friend for a drink.

The anger with which you conveyed your annoyance that I cleaned up your mess.

The fury when I made it clear to our friends that we did not have a romantic connection.

The confusion over why you were resentful.

The dread that I had hurt you without realizing.

The uneasiness around you, what you would do and say next.

The regret because at some stage I think I must have misunderstood you.

The longing for peace and pleading with you that we could resolve the rift.

The despair at realizing there was nowhere I could go to escape this and be free.

I wanted peace Jack. I wanted us to clear the air, to come to an understanding. I wanted the chance to understand what I had done to hurt you and not just suffer punishment from you in complete ignorance. You are a wonderful person. I cannot understand why you and I could not just resolve whatever misunderstandings and miscommunications we have had.

I cannot tell you how many times I have wished these burdensome worries on my mind could be lifted. If I could take all the pain and confusion and fear and sadness and wrap it up and tie it to the largest anchor and let it go, throw it away, all to the bottom of the ocean and for it to sink down, deep into the blackest parts of the sea – and for it to be gone.

I loved you Jack, and I still love you probably as much now as I ever did, but you leave my heart as heavy as ever. You have left me always fighting to keep my head above water, always struggling to want to stay alive and not sink down to the bottom of the ocean, into the blackest parts of the sea – and to be gone.

That’s why I was so glad when Goldfinch found me. That’s why it’s so hard now that Goldfinch has gone. Because the heavy heart, full of you Jack, creeps back. I am going to keep fighting and keep living. But I am still longing for the relief that only you can give.


Romance And Reality

Most of us have a romantic side to us somewhere, and the right person can make that romantic side flourish. The questions from Melanie, the creator of sparksfromacombustiblemind, certainly made me think back on a wonderful year of romance and love. Yet the reality is…there is no real romance for me on the horizon here. I had a coffee-date this week that went well, but was decidedly unromantic.


Here are Melanie’s questions for this week’s SHARE YOUR WORLD:

What’s wrong but sounds right?

There is something I often hear people say and it sounds lovely…three pretty little words:

Follow your heart

…but when they say it to me, I really can’t help look at them and think, “you really do not have the foggiest clue about life do you?!!!” Follow my heart!!! Why don’t I just kick myself at the same time? Ay karumba!! That is perhaps one of the silliest pieces of advice to give.

It might sound very romantic, but I know from experience that it is not wise and not safe to follow my heart.

Most of us would get into an awful lot of serious trouble if we followed our heart. I know I would! I am so glad I have some very sage friends who I can turn to for reasonable balanced advice rather than soppy, sentimental nonsense!

If you follow your feelings, follow your heart, and ignore reason and reality – you are very likely to just keep on being bruised and battered.

What physical action or gesture do you find romantic?

Aaaaaah! Where do I begin?

I loved that Goldfinch held my hand everywhere we went. I mean I wanted it, but I never had to initiate it. He grabbed my hand and kept tight hold.

I loved it when Goldfinch would wrap his arms around me at a bus-stop or an a tube station platform. I would be facing him and he kept me tightly wrapped up in his arms.

When Goldfinch danced with me in public – at stations, in the middle of the city centre – juts completely randomly and abruptly. I loved the spontaneous moments when he would grab my hand and pull me close and hold me tight and dance with me.

One summery evening, when the sky was still blue,  he pointed at a crane that was pointing up into the sky and the moon was shining down. He said to me, “they decided to use that crane to hoist the moon into the perfect place just for you and me.” And we danced together under that moonlight, people staring at us.

There was something else I loved.

There were times this past summer when we would just lay in a park either in Coventry or one of the beautiful locations he took me to, and he would just hold me tight. I could feel his chest expanding as he breathed in. My heart would slow down and I felt I wanted to stay there in his arms for hours. I felt safe and loved.

Suddenly this past summer seems too short and fleeting. So much love, so little time with him.

What’s something you really resent paying for?

I can’t think of anything right now. I don”t have much money, so I tend to only spend the little money I do have on things that I need. But they all seem a fair enough deal.

Hmm. One thing that did shock me last year was when I was trying to find a concert that Goldfinch might like. The cost of tickets to some shows was ridiculously high!

What’s your favourite romance movie?  A movie you may find romantic, even if that’s not the genre. 

For me acts of self-sacrifice due to love are the most romantic. The first film that springs to mind is one I already created a post about last week: “Life Is Beautiful”. I published a post featuring it last week:

La Vida Es Bella

The love that man shows for his family despite the most horrific of ordeals! But because I have already told you all about that, I am going to try to think of another one.

Hmm. Well, there was another movie I saw many years ago which has a kind of teenager feel to it, well I think the characters are teenagers. I don’t know if its a little corny, well a lot of romantic movies are a bit corny aren’t they? I did quite like it. I can’t watch it now, because the ending touches a real raw nerve with me. Here is a trailer to the film: “A Walk To Remember”.

What were you uplifted by in the past week?

Goldfinch sent me a lovely message just before I went for a coffee-date with another man. I was so grateful for him reaching out 10,100 miles all the way to my downcast heart to reassure me. Some nice things have happened this week, but to be honest, that message was my special moment.


The Squirrel Relocation And Reintegration Programme

I found another e-mail to Stuart that I sent during my first job back in London, which was pretty funny to read through and remember. My boss seemed to enjoy my teasing and told all of his friends I was putting his name forward to the Queen for a knighthood.

My boss really likes birds, and I mean the feathered variety in this instance. He has a couple of bird-feeders in the garden right outside the huge glass doors that make up the entire back wall of this property. He likes to sit on the sofa sipping his coffee and watching little birds fluttering up to the the feeder and feasting on the peanuts or seeds. It’s quite nice to see him enjoying the calm and peace.

However, there is something that really vexes him. It completely disturbs his peace of mind and provokes him to jump up in outrage!

Every now and then a squirrel will appear. All of the little birds will vanish. The squirrel will jump up onto bird feeder and start to munch away. If my boss sees a squirrel he will jump up off the sofa and start banging on the glass to frighten the squirrel away.

Now, my boss has told me that he has had to abandon his former way of dealing with the squirrels – his daughter told him that the neighbours would report him to the police if he carried on using his air-rifle all times of day.

So instead he has bought a humane squirrel trap. The idea is that a squirrel is tempted inside by the pile of food and then down comes the door, caging the squirrel, but not harming it. I found myself laughing at my boss when I realized that rather than put the peanuts he feeds the birds in the trap, he opens a packet of the luxury Marks & Spencers fruit and nut mix and puts that in as the bait to tempt the squirrels.

I was teasing him earlier about his humane squirrel trap. During, the past week he has trapped 17 squirrels and driven them off into the countryside to release them into the forest. He parks his car, takes the cage into the woods and let’s the squirrel out to scamper off into the trees. The humane trap only catches one squirrel at a time so he is clocking up quite a lot of mileage on relocating squirrels!

I told him he is likely to be nominated for a knighthood (he already has some other kind of medal/award the Queen gave to him) for his “Squirrel Relocation and Reintegration Program”. I told him I was convinced her Majesty would be delighted to hear the details of his devotion to the English squirrel population, and his efforts to improve their living standards, transplanting them from suburban gardens to the heart of the English countryside.

luxury mix.jpgHow wonderful it is to think of the squirrels coaxed by a pile of “M&S” luxury fruit and nut mix, then in the safety of a well ventilated and protected carrying unit, transported in a gleaming Mercedes to a beautiful part of the forest. Do the squirrels realize they are travelling first class? Then arriving at their stunning new home in protected woodland where they can be with all their squirrel siblings and cousins. They can enjoy the fruits of the forest, rather than just the bird seed and peanuts my boss puts out for the local chaffinch and tit populace.

I told him he is the model animal welfare advocate for the borough, and we can forgive and forget all about what he used to do to the squirrels before. Then I looked out of the window at the squirrel that was perched on the bird-feeder, and said to my boss, “I recognize the yellow stripe on that squirrel. I think that may be the same squirrel you relocated this morning?”