Back In The Saddle Again

I did mention last weekend that I was going on a coffee-date with another man – not Goldfinch. Because of course, Goldfinch is 10,100 miles away, so coffee-dates are not something he and I are going to be able to enjoy. Besides, Goldfinch didn’t drink coffee.

I have not written a lot about that date and how it went yet. There is a reason. Technically it was fine. However,…aaah sigh, I had to excuse myself from the table to go to the ladies where I spent several minutes bringing up my lunch, and then trying to disguise that I felt so ill.

Then I arrived back at the little nest. I know this is going to sound strange, but I had the scent of him in my system. There is nothing wrong with his scent. It was just different to the scent of Goldfinch. There was nothing wrong with the scent of the man I met for coffee. But I breathed it in from my coat and my instant reaction was to feel sick. I threw up again.

This weekend is our second date. It’s really hard to explain how sick I feel. Not sick with nerves. Sick with not wanting to be on a second date. Sick with the thought of being touched by a man that is not Goldfinch.

I heard this song the other day… and it reminded me of Sam, the character Tom Hanks plays in the movie “Sleepless In Seattle”. He goes on a date with another woman before he meets Annie (played by Meg Ryan). I think the other woman’s name is Victoria, and she has a distinctive laugh. There’s nothing wrong with Victoria. She is kind, she is a nice person. But it’s all wrong. Sam does know that really, but he probably has less idea than I do about how to go about dating and forging a relationship with someone else when the person that you actually love and actually want to be with just is not there anymore. Sam pushes himself to go ahead with dating Victoria (poor gal) even though it feels so strange and uncomfortable.

Please don’t ask me how this second date goes, because I know I am not going to want to answer. I just have to try not to keep throwing up.