Back In The Saddle Again

I did mention last weekend that I was going on a coffee-date with another man – not Goldfinch. Because of course, Goldfinch is 10,100 miles away, so coffee-dates are not something he and I are going to be able to enjoy. Besides, Goldfinch didn’t drink coffee.

I have not written a lot about that date and how it went yet. There is a reason. Technically it was fine. However,…aaah sigh, I had to excuse myself from the table to go to the ladies where I spent several minutes bringing up my lunch, and then trying to disguise that I felt so ill.

Then I arrived back at the little nest. I know this is going to sound strange, but I had the scent of him in my system. There is nothing wrong with his scent. It was just different to the scent of Goldfinch. There was nothing wrong with the scent of the man I met for coffee. But I breathed it in from my coat and my instant reaction was to feel sick. I threw up again.

This weekend is our second date. It’s really hard to explain how sick I feel. Not sick with nerves. Sick with not wanting to be on a second date. Sick with the thought of being touched by a man that is not Goldfinch.

I heard this song the other day… and it reminded me of Sam, the character Tom Hanks plays in the movie “Sleepless In Seattle”. He goes on a date with another woman before he meets Annie (played by Meg Ryan). I think the other woman’s name is Victoria, and she has a distinctive laugh. There’s nothing wrong with Victoria. She is kind, she is a nice person. But it’s all wrong. Sam does know that really, but he probably has less idea than I do about how to go about dating and forging a relationship with someone else when the person that you actually love and actually want to be with just is not there anymore. Sam pushes himself to go ahead with dating Victoria (poor gal) even though it feels so strange and uncomfortable.

Please don’t ask me how this second date goes, because I know I am not going to want to answer. I just have to try not to keep throwing up.

23 thoughts on “Back In The Saddle Again

  1. I understand. In a different situation to yours, I sabotaged a potential relationship with someone who was perfectly fine because I was pining away for a jerk (I know Goldfinch isn’t a jerk). I just couldn’t get him out of my head. Now it’s a few years on and maybe…

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    1. I think it’s all emotional. I don’t have allergies (accept slight dairy intolerance). I just feels so unnatural to be with anyone else other that Goldfinch at the moment. I think I already knew it was too early for me, but now I am 100% sure it is too early for me.

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  2. Aw. give yourself (and your potential date) a break, Caramel. I’ve always found persistent vomiting is rarely conducive to successful relationships. I’d cancel if I were you – there’s no shame in that. Who knows what the future holds, but I wouldn’t be surprised if one day you meet a man who smells of jelly babies, but that’s to come – not for right here, right now. Every best wish to you. Martin.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Martin. I went through with the second date. But at the moment I feel completely numb towards this man, even though he is clearly a nice person and is doing and saying everything right. But I am just totally not ready. It is still making me feel sick to think of being close to another man.

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  3. It is really funny how someones scent makes such a strong impression, even if we don’t normally consider it. Urgh. I am so sorry Goldfinch is too far away. 😦

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    1. It was a disaster – he was doing and saying everything right. He even gave me gifts (I have no idea why) and yet I sat there wishing I was on the other side of the planet – literally on the other side of the planet in Adelaide, Australia, near the only man I ever want to be on a date with.

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        1. It’s like…with my eyes I can see he is attractive, with my ears I can tell he is saying things that I should find interesting/enjoyable. with all my other senses I am aware that there is nothing wrong with him…
          ….except he is not the man I love. So yes right now, it is all wasted on me.

          But I think agreeing to a date with him initially was partly my way of bravely accepting the reality that Goldfinch is not here anymore.
          I think I need to grieve a bi longer though. I am not ready to date anyone else.

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  4. Pingback: Introducing Caramel – Crushed Caramel (Learner at love)

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