I Will Always Love You

robin and annie togetherGoldfinch has been wonderful for me. I loved the thirteen months I had with him. I am so grateful that he kept in touch when he went back to Australia…I was so scared he wouldn’t.

Of course losing my apricot was heart-breaking, but at the same time, it’s the first time in my life I have even been close to something so special, so life-changing. I’ll never know what may have been if I had not have lost my apricot. It was absolutely wonderful to go out to Australia to be with him during the summer (Australia’s winter). I was extremely happy while I was out there with him. Happier than I have been at any other time in the past four years. I did not want it to end.

robin and annabelleIf I have not made it clear during the seventeen months that I have been blogging, Goldfinch has been the best thing in my life since I met him.

However, I think I always knew I wasn’t necessarily the best thing in his life. That has not stopped him from being absolutely gorgeous to me in every way. But at the end of the day, despite all of the loveliness he has shown to me, he has more than once referred to his hope I would meet someone else here in England, someone who would love me, love my cooking and baking, love my long caramel blonde hair, my feminine dress style, my generous bosom, my down-to-earth, roll up my sleeves and work hard spirit and all of my little ways.

dean and annie5He is happy to think of me as happy. It still feels strange. It feels strange because I have loved being in love with Goldfinch. It’s not something I have ever ever wanted to end.

But even if I loved him with every single fiber of my being, much as he would enjoy it, much as he would be wonderful to me…it’s not necessarily how he would feel in return. He would show love, he would feel love, but not the kind of love that cries out, “be mine, live with me, be my exclusive lover”. There is no handle on the outside of the human heart. You can only do your very best to love in earnest and hope that the person you love will come to the conclusion they want you beside them as they walk through life.

Life is a funny old thing isn’t it…and love, a really weird and wonderful thing. I am sure I will be thinking everything over for a long long time to come. I will always be ready to tell all of the wonderful memories that Goldfinch has left me with. And, I do think, that if Goldfinch actually wanted to share forever with me, then what has happened in the past couple of weeks would never have happened. I will always love Goldfinch you know!

34 thoughts on “I Will Always Love You

      1. It struck me when I was watching the video that there is a very slight resemblance between him and Goldfinch…not a lot…just a little. I don’t know if Goldfinch would be pleased with that though, I will have to ask him.

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    1. Or the beginning of a beautiful friendship with Goldfinch who so far is the only person who knows about my situation (as in Goldfinch knows his real name)….we have agreed to wait a while before we break the news to friends and family…because it will bring a lot of pressure.

      There is no way I am going to end contact with Goldfinch when he has been so kind and supportive. Until he tells me to buzz off…he will still bee my sweetest friend.

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  1. I have always thought, from what you have shared here, that while Goldfinch is fun and lovely, if he were madly in love with you, he would not have left. Or, he would only have left to wrap things up and return to you. So happy for you that you’ve found love at home. ❤️❤️❤️

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    1. From Day One he made it clear he was going home. His house, his son, his parents and siblings, much much better weather than in England, his friends who share his interests. Coming to England was going to be an adventure for him and a money earner. He was never intending on building a life here.

      I just happen to have come along and fallen madly in love with him. But I need to be in England. My head problems dictate my decisions. I don’t want to be too far from my family for a long time. It’s scary for them and scary to me that things can deteriorate so quickly.

      But the love has been constant. I think I have a wonderful friend who has given me some memories I will treasure always.

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    1. He and I have different life experiences. He has already made bigger commitments in the past than I ever have yet. He is ten years older than me. At my age/stage in life, commitment is still a wonderful goal to reach out for and to aspire to. But for someone who has already made huge sacrifices and been through the pain of things not working out…I can understand not wanting to go through that experience again.

      I can only admire him and love him for the man he is today. I love him very much….even if i am not Mrs Perfect in his eyes. He has only ever been wonderful to me and made every moment a joy.

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  2. I guess that makes your choice a little easier. I can kind-of understand not wanting to get attached again, I wouldn’t myself, it’s hard work but hopefully worthwhile if the other partner pulls with you. I suppose there’ll always be a “what if” for you, but if he didn’t want to commit to you that’ll help. I look back at most of my what-ifs and am pretty universally glad! Except for one – I might write about that one day 🙂

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    1. My first courtship came to a point where it clearly had to end. But we both made sure we were happy with that decision. It was the right decision and the right time.

      The only problem “relationship” I ever had was with my ex-flatmate…and look how it has turned out – he has waltzed back into my life!

      I intend to make sure Goldfinch is never in doubt as to how special he is to me for all the ways he has helped me heel in the past couple of years.

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      1. By the sounds of things, you’ve got the same choice with the flatmate. Was there a relationship first time around? The reasons why it ended, are they still there? Rhetorical questions. I don’t believe that people change, so for that reason, I would never have been interested in getting back with an ex, although it was academic – I don’t think I ever had the chance. With Goldfinch, at least that you’re so far away, that you’re younger, are not really in your control. So it was never anything personal.

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        1. My flatmate and I were never in a relationship….as far as in it was impossible with so much gossip and so many photos taken of us. It meant we went from being awkward with each other, to hostile, because of how the rumours were affecting our lives.

          However, it turns out we did both have strong feelings for each other which caused all sorts of drama between us, This time round we are putting us first, and we are only going to let everyone else in when we are ready.

          I don’t worry about things that are beyond my control. 10,100 miles is beyond my control. But we still have had a great relationship and we still do. He has been wonderful.

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