Goldfinch has been wonderful for me. I loved the thirteen months I had with him. I am so grateful that he kept in touch when he went back to Australia…I was so scared he wouldn’t.
Of course losing my apricot was heart-breaking, but at the same time, it’s the first time in my life I have even been close to something so special, so life-changing. I’ll never know what may have been if I had not have lost my apricot. It was absolutely wonderful to go out to Australia to be with him during the summer (Australia’s winter). I was extremely happy while I was out there with him. Happier than I have been at any other time in the past four years. I did not want it to end.
If I have not made it clear during the seventeen months that I have been blogging, Goldfinch has been the best thing in my life since I met him.
However, I think I always knew I wasn’t necessarily the best thing in his life. That has not stopped him from being absolutely gorgeous to me in every way. But at the end of the day, despite all of the loveliness he has shown to me, he has more than once referred to his hope I would meet someone else here in England, someone who would love me, love my cooking and baking, love my long caramel blonde hair, my feminine dress style, my generous bosom, my down-to-earth, roll up my sleeves and work hard spirit and all of my little ways.
He is happy to think of me as happy. It still feels strange. It feels strange because I have loved being in love with Goldfinch. It’s not something I have ever ever wanted to end.
But even if I loved him with every single fiber of my being, much as he would enjoy it, much as he would be wonderful to me…it’s not necessarily how he would feel in return. He would show love, he would feel love, but not the kind of love that cries out, “be mine, live with me, be my exclusive lover”. There is no handle on the outside of the human heart. You can only do your very best to love in earnest and hope that the person you love will come to the conclusion they want you beside them as they walk through life.
Life is a funny old thing isn’t it…and love, a really weird and wonderful thing. I am sure I will be thinking everything over for a long long time to come. I will always be ready to tell all of the wonderful memories that Goldfinch has left me with. And, I do think, that if Goldfinch actually wanted to share forever with me, then what has happened in the past couple of weeks would never have happened. I will always love Goldfinch you know!