I was supposed to be spending time with friends today. But I was so wound up after yesterday. I decided I couldn’t go rushing around London like I normally do at the weekend. That was me in the sunglasses, hiding teary eyes. I was the one who was walking as if I was on a mission. A mission to let my mind wander back to Adelaide, Australia.
I needed a bit of time on my own. Just to be allowed to think of the man that I love. Call me the impossible romantic, but I needed to think of him more than I needed to be with my friends today. For some reason I feel as if the current here, the flow of the tide, is against me and Goldfinch. Suddenly I sense an air of match-making has risen again. Talk of when I am going to settle down. Questions suggesting I am not being realistic, that I don’t know what’s best for me.
I am fighting to keep hold of my dreams of being with him. I don’t like that it often feels like a dream. But the desire to be with him is always burning away, and today I needed to let myself think over all that happened while I was in Australia. It is all mine, my own diamond mine of memories that keep the dream alive.
Sometimes, fighting to keep your own dream alive makes you feel a bit crazy. But I tried earlier this year. I went on two dates with another man – and it was not for me. Not while I am in love with a tall gorgeous Australian.
I ended up walking across London. I am a walker. I was a few miles from where I used to live, I didn’t want to go too close to my old flat, so I took a different route. I was walking down a lane just off a busy high street where there are some pretty shops, cafes and agencies. It’s the kind of place you only go if you know it’s there hidden away. It’s been a favourite place of mine since I was introduced to it by a close friend. I had a shock. After my memory of him yesterday, it could not have been more unfortunate timing. To think that at 4pm on Saturday afternoon, Jack and I could be walking along the same cobbled little road. He was with a couple of other men. One I recognised, the other I did not. All the miles I walked today. I had just been randomly walking simply to be on my own and to allow myself to think about my time in Australia.
Can you imagine how I felt? I didn’t run. I carried on walking, hoping my big sunglasses had disguised me. Did he even see me? I was scared to turn my head.
NOTE TO SELF: Do not leave home without a hood or a hat!
And I was reminded of something I think I realized long ago. I have lost hope of ever having a friendship with Jack. But because of that, I find it hard to hope in anything real with Goldfinch or anyone else. It all seems like an unattainable dream. A dream I have to fight to keep alive.
Sadness for that feeling.:(
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It will pass. It just really rattled me today seeing Jack.
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Here’s one thing I’ve learned about men that I wish I’d realized a long time ago: If they want to be with someone, they will move Heaven and earth to make it happen.
THAT’S the guy you’re looking for.
But we always love the other ones, don’t we?
😢
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lol – I think I have failed at times to recognize the finer points of men who did seem determined to chase my tail.
And instead I have set my heart on those who are relaxed and casual in their view of a relationship. They seem to like all the fun while it’s there, but are not too bothered about moving their behinds (never mind heaven and earth!) when a little more effort is required from them.
But I will say this…much as the situation with Jack provokes me, he is an extraordinary man. And as for Goldfinch – gorgeous and very lovable.
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And who wouldn’t be charmed by your affable and charming sweetness and grace?
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So sorrowful. 😥
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It rattled me. I am still awake thinking about him.
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I’m so sI’m obviously reading this 13 hours later, but I hope you were able to get to sleep last night. xoxo!
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I managed to have a couple of hours sleep in the end. I had to be up and out early today. But I am home now. I am going to put our recycling boxes outside (collection is tomorrow morning at 6am) and have a quick bit to eat. Then I am going to try to have an early night.
It’s amazing the effect Jack can have on me.
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I really hope you are able to unwind and relax later. You need your rest.
I know what it’s like to be consumed by that effect all too well. You need some tye of distraction to help you through this. xoxo!
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Yes…I am going to go to bed with a book tonight. I think it was just the shock. Of all the streets in London! There are millions of people in this city – the coincidence was extraordinary.
I don’t think he even saw me, so really it should be no biggie. But the shock of seeing him is still there.
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I’m so sorry, Sweetie. Please get your rest. xoxo!! 🙏😴
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Thanks Beckie – I will 🙂
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Life does that sometimes. Doesn’t half throw you. Hope it settled down quickly.
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Well…it did effect me all of last week, it even interfered with my sleep. This weekend I am having fun to rid myself of my worries.
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That is always the best approach. Hope you are smiling.
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