That Was Me

that was todayI was supposed to be spending time with friends today. But I was so wound up after yesterday. I decided I couldn’t go rushing around London like I normally do at the weekend. That was me in the sunglasses, hiding teary eyes. I was the one who was walking as if I was on a mission. A mission to let my mind wander back to Adelaide, Australia.

I needed a bit of time on my own. Just to be allowed to think of the man that I love. Call me the impossible romantic, but I needed to think of him more than I needed to be with my friends today. For some reason I feel as if the current here, the flow of the tide, is against me and Goldfinch. Suddenly I sense an air of match-making has risen again. Talk of when I am going to settle down. Questions suggesting I am not being realistic, that I don’t know what’s best for me.

clinging to the dream.jpgI am fighting to keep hold of my dreams of being with him. I don’t like that it often feels like a dream. But the desire to be with him is always burning away, and today I needed to let myself think over all that happened while I was in Australia. It is all mine, my own diamond mine of memories that keep the dream alive.

Sometimes, fighting to keep your own dream alive makes you feel a bit crazy. But I tried earlier this year. I went on two dates with another man – and it was not for me. Not while I am in love with a tall gorgeous Australian.

disguise.jpgI ended up walking across London. I am a walker. I was a few miles from where I used to live, I didn’t want to go too close to my old flat, so I took a different route. I was walking down a lane just off a busy high street where there are some pretty shops, cafes and agencies. It’s the kind of place you only go if you know it’s there hidden away. It’s been a favourite place of mine since I was introduced to it by a close friend. I had a shock. After my memory of him yesterday, it could not have been more unfortunate timing. To think that at 4pm on Saturday afternoon, Jack and I could be walking along the same cobbled little road. He was with a couple of other men. One I recognised, the other I did not. All the miles I walked today. I had just been randomly walking simply to be on my own and to allow myself to think about my time in Australia.

Can you imagine how I felt? I didn’t run. I carried on walking, hoping my big sunglasses had disguised me. Did he even see me? I was scared to turn my head.

NOTE TO SELF: Do not leave home without a hood or a hat!

And I was reminded of something I think I realized long ago. I have lost hope of ever having a friendship with Jack. But because of that, I find it hard to hope in anything real with Goldfinch or anyone else. It all seems like an unattainable dream. A dream I have to fight to keep alive.

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16 thoughts on “That Was Me

    1. lol – I think I have failed at times to recognize the finer points of men who did seem determined to chase my tail.

      And instead I have set my heart on those who are relaxed and casual in their view of a relationship. They seem to like all the fun while it’s there, but are not too bothered about moving their behinds (never mind heaven and earth!) when a little more effort is required from them.

      But I will say this…much as the situation with Jack provokes me, he is an extraordinary man. And as for Goldfinch – gorgeous and very lovable.

      Liked by 1 person

        1. I managed to have a couple of hours sleep in the end. I had to be up and out early today. But I am home now. I am going to put our recycling boxes outside (collection is tomorrow morning at 6am) and have a quick bit to eat. Then I am going to try to have an early night.

          It’s amazing the effect Jack can have on me.

          Liked by 1 person

            1. Yes…I am going to go to bed with a book tonight. I think it was just the shock. Of all the streets in London! There are millions of people in this city – the coincidence was extraordinary.

              I don’t think he even saw me, so really it should be no biggie. But the shock of seeing him is still there.

              Liked by 1 person

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