In the three posts I have already published about my first job back in London I have explained how I came to be in a “tied-accommodation” post with a boss who made me feel rather uncomfortable during the first two days I was there.
Looking back, I realize now how ridiculously vulnerable I was, because I did not ask for help, I isolated myself and found myself in a situation that I should never have had to endure.
Now let me reassure you I gave him my written notice within two weeks. I agreed to stay on for four weeks in that letter which was the period of notice he asked for. (I had to find another post, so that I had somewhere to escape to.) I realized I can’t bring myself to relate everything that happened that made me feel even more uncomfortable during that time. So instead, I have copied and pasted parts of e-mails I sent to my friend Stuart who was pretty much the only person I was confiding in.
At the time I did not feel I could tell my family because they would insist I left London and returned to them. I was desperate to start working towards being back in my life/world/career/flat – which were all in London. Stuart was very supportive, but most of my contact with him was via e-mails. I just tried to deal with the challenges that came my way and kept a lot back from Stuart because I was afraid of him becoming too angry. I knew I could always call the police if things became too bad.
There is a lot to read. It makes me angry. I have a feeling that the more you read, the more angry you will feel. I find it horrifying that I was too scared just to pack my case and walk out. That’s what I should have done. But at that time, I doubted myself so much and I was too forgiving. If anything like this happened to me now, I would absolutely not tolerate it.
My boss is demanding to take a photo of me tomorrow. I want to cry. He said he also wants to take me to his gym. He keeps going on and on about it. He actually wants to take a photo of me in a swimming costume. Now, before you raise your eye-brows, there is an explanation for this.
His idea is taking a picture of me that shows the shape of my body now and then take another photo after he has had me on his training program – you know how people post their before and after photos on their social media sites. He wants me to follow his prescribed eating plan and to work out with him every day down at the gym. He wants to make me a more attractive shape. I am of course horrified. He wants to set goals for me that I personally am not keen on.
I don’t want to go to the gym with him. But am I overreacting to him because he has given me the creeps? I have to say, if he tried to take a picture of me in my swimming costume my reaction may be so severe…..well, I don’t know, but possibly police may have to become involved.
I can’t think straight about my situation here. I am exhausted with worry. It’s not the physical work. It’s this constant deliberating in my head over the personality and character of my new boss. Trying to understand where on earth he is coming from in what he says and does etc.
We truly are like chalk and cheese. He is my boss so I don’t want to be picky over things that don’t cross my boundary of what is acceptable. I am trying to find a balance so that I don’t come across as hostile towards him.
It’s just because I live within the same property, we see a lot of each other. Tonight he asked if I just wanted to sit down and watch a film. I don’t want to be rude to him all the time, so I considered joining him to watch a film. He told me that there was a film on that he thought I would enjoy because it is about a young woman who is learning to think differently about sex. He asked me if I had seen it before. It was that shades of grey film that was at the cinema a few years ago. I was horrified. I told him I did not want to watch that kind of material. He freaked out at me. Well…he thinks…I am not going to say what he thinks of me.
I cannot bear it when my boss touches me. I say “please keep your hands to yourself”. But I realize there are men and women who are ok with someone who has no romantic connection being overly tactile/friendly with their hands. He makes my skin crawl. But I keep asking myself if I am being overly sensitive after what happened to me?
I can’t decide for other people what seems appropriate for them. I only have the right to say what I am comfortable or not comfortable with. I am hoping that you are reading in between the lines and realizing this subject is becoming a big issue for me.
I am just a bit overwhelmed by how very different the character of my boss is from mine.
But to update you on a few things:
- The photo in my swim-suit never happened (I made it clear that it was never going to happen, but it turns out that at least one of the girls who used to work here allowed him to photograph her in her underwear and her only concern with the suggestion was that she was wearing matching underwear – the numpty!!!!)
- But he did take me to his gym – I chose to swim while he went to work out. Then after an hour, he came down to the pool and yelled at me to get out of the water. Everyone was looking at me. He told me to join him in the jacuzzi – which is next to the pool. Then he said he wanted to show me something else. He took me into the steam room. I felt sick. He kept telling me to sit next to him. I told him I was not comfortable and walked out. He was furious with me for the rest of the day.
- He thinks I am a baby (that’s my polite way of explaining his view of me) because I objected to the 18 rated sex film he wanted me to watch with him. I made it clear that my particular weave of self-respect inhibits me experiencing thrills from watching strangers in that way.
- The following morning he was even more annoyed with me because he wanted me to watch a program where a spirit medium is helping people. I said no several times and eventually I literally ran out of the room. I told him I will have nothing to do with the occult in any form.
- Part of the “regime” he has me on includes time out walking/running each day. I make the most of it. At first I was walking for an hour a day, but now it’s more like fours each day. I can’t bear to be in the house alone with him. I have met some lovely people already while I have been out and I have been exploring the area.
My boss was taking his two house-guests (a married couple) out for dinner and asked me to join them. I thought it would be alright with them there. I really like them. I have speaking to them in their language (which my boss does not speak) all week. Even they told me I should get out of here and find somewhere else! However, in the restaurant, he started running his hand up and down my thigh. Yuck! I reacted by deliberately moving my chair as far away as possible. But I actually wanted to pour my wine all over him. I think I hate him. I don’t think I have hated anyone like this before.
He has been angry with me all week after I told him not to touch me. He has raised his voice and sworn at me. He has called me all sorts of names. I have been sweet and calm and incredibly gracious. Sometimes I am shaking because I cannot stand being in his presence, but I am determined to control my anger and behave like a princess.
He keeps on patting my behind and touching my hands, upper arms, shoulders. I have told him I am not comfortable in every way I can think of, and he calls me frigid. He tells me I need to loosen up. He keeps on mentioning that we need to share a bottle of wine (or a couple of bottles) on Friday evenings and really get to know each other.
I was typing some letters for him, while he sat on the sofa and dictated to me what to write. He came over and put his hands on my shoulders and tied to start massaging me. (He tells me he is a trained masseur.) Immediately I raised my shoulders, to which he told me I was very tense. I asked to him to remove his hands. He was so angry, he swore at me again and told me there is something wrong with me.
I think it was a mistake to tell him I had been attacked. I only did it to explain why I was so uncomfortable with him asking me about sex all the time and touching me. Ihonestly hoped he would realize I have a genuine reason to feel very uncomfortable. But he seems fascinated by the whole subject.
He likes to get me to talk about my attack. I can talk a little, but he pushes me and I don’t understand the purpose of his doing so. He says it is good for me. He wants to know everything that happened in detail. I won’t respond to him. So he starts asking me “did he do this? did he do that?”. Ugh! How is that good for me? I told him I would prefer to talk to either loved ones or trained professionals rather than him (for so many reasons!!!!!). I can’t wait to get away from him.
He really wants me to sit and watch television with him. It used to be alright to sit on the sofa opposite him, but he keeps telling me to sit next to him. If he wants a woman to snuggle up on the sofa next to him, he needs to try out a dating site – not threaten his house-keeper.
He watches the strangest shows – I cannot stand them. He likes Jeremy Kyle – which is some kind of chat-show with nutcases, Judge Judy – more nutcases, a program called “Cheaters” about people catching their partner committing adultery, and then he likes anything to do with spirit mediums (but I always get up and walk out the moment he puts anything like that on, so because he wants my company, he has stopped putting these shows on). He records these shows which I think are broadcast during the day, so he can watch them when he is lazing around during the evening.
He came over and without asking he just started with the massage thing again.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrr. I can’t win either way! Why would I want a massage from a man who has been yelling at me and insulting me all week? Then while I took the recycling out, he disappeared and put his robe on. He asked me to take a break from typing and sit and talk for a little. He opened his legs wide and displayed his “crown jewels”. I just turned myself round and talked whist fixing my stare onto the floor tiles.
He started laughing. He asked me if I wanted to take a look. I told him I was used to seeing wrinkly dried up private parts because of all my time working in healthcare, but I saw no reason to be subjected to it now.
He swore at me and told me some men would beat me for saying that.
Tonight he was all nicey nicey, calling me “darlin” and complimenting me and telling me how much he is looking forward to our Friday evening in together (so it seems as if Friday is going to be a regular feature). The last two Fridays I was in control. I kept on topping up the glasses. Mine I filled with water and elderflower cordial and his with wine. He didn’t seem to realize what I was doing. Both weeks he fell asleep on the sofa.
This morning I was putting some clothes back into my wardrobe when I heard the handle on my door turn. The door opened slowly. I called out “is there something wrong?” He sounded surprised that I was up and dressed. He said that after all the wine I had the night before he thought I would still be in bed. (He has no idea I was drinking elder-flower cordial.)
It makes me livid that he came into my room without knocking thinking I would be asleep in bed.
He has kissed me on the cheek twice in the past 2 hours. The first time I asked him what he was doing. He shook his head and said he cannot understand me. Not long after that he put his hand on my face and said he is “ever so fond of me”. He has sent me upstairs to change into something more comfortable so I can sunbathe next to him in the garden. I am really creeped out.
I am going to take my tabard off, and put my trainers on then and I am going to head off for a walk. I’ll need to swing by to the shops and pick some shopping up and be back to cook dinner and do whatever typing he wants.
And I have promised to make a cheese-cake tonight. Part of me will want to splat the cheesecake into his face.
He went to the gym on his own this morning (he was obviously very angry when I refused to go into the steam room with him ) so I worked in the garden all morning and now I am very pleased because I am scratched to smitherenes – scratch marks up your arms and legs are not particularly enhancing…
He keeps on asking me to sunbathe next to him in the garden. He will actually shout at me and tell me to stop cleaning and come out into the garden. I tell him I don’t want to burn. He offers to rub sun block into my skin. I told him the bright light triggers head-aches. He told me to wear sunglasses. He says I need Vitamin D. Maybe I do…but I am not removing any clothing and relaxing near him.
As soon as I had set up his computer to make a start, he was there behind me. I felt his hands on the back of my neck and instantly pushed my chair back and leant forward to pick up the file with his notes pretending I had a question to ask him. Well, I kept the chair back and sat on the edge and leant forward so he couldn’t reach my neck. Then he said he was pleased because now he could reach my back. He lifted up my top and tried to massage my lower back. I grabbed my top and pulled it down and said I would prefer him not to do that. He have me some technical description of the kind of massage he wants to be able to try on me. I said that I don’t have any tension in any part of my back. I said I could understand why he thought I may need a neck massage after being at the computer for so long, but I would not enjoy having my back massaged (definitely not by him – but of course I didn’t say this). Anyway he muttered that I am a strange girl.
Then, our neighbour’s cat saved me by catching a bird. My boss managed to release the bird from the cat, so the bird escaped.
But then he was back again in a flash. I was now sitting in the chair upright and he was standing behind me dictating. But after a couple of minutes his hands were wandering down to my lower back, I started wriggling around and moved my chair again. I asked him to take his hands off me. Again he put his hands on my lower back and said he couldn’t tell if I had tension there or not. I said I really didn’t, I said it’s hard to feel anything there because of all of my “padding”. He said not to put myself down and started complimenting my body – cringe!!!!!! I said I don’t have any problem with my body, and then I turned right around and said that it really is none of his concern what my body is like and he had no right to touch me. I was glaring at him. He muttered something which I didn’t make out, but it ended with your name. I asked him what he had said. He muttered again something about my love-handles being good for Stuart. I said “pardon?” He said “lucky Stuart”. I ignored him. To be honest I thought he was being sarcastic at first. So I just ignored him and carried on typing. He then came up close and whispered in my ear “lucky Stuart”.
This morning he insisted that I sat down and had a chat with him over a coffee. He was in his robe and sat exposing his “crown jewels” yet again. I held my coffee mug in front of my face to obscure the sight of them. He was clearly irritated and asked me why I was hiding my mug to my face. I told him his wrinklies were on display again.
He asked me if I know how to give a…
I stood up and walked out of the room to grab my coat and keys and left the house and went for a walk. I was absolutely livid.
I was not well today. The pain in my head was excruciating. So after I did a little cleaning and ironing, I went to my room to sleep. I woke up hearing some strange noises. It sounded as if a woman was crying in great distress. The sound persisted for some time. I got up and looked out of the window but I could not see anyone. I put on some clothes and then I opened the door to my room and I could hear it clearly. A woman was crying and moaning. I walked out onto the landing and realized the woman must be downstairs. I felt a mix of concern and fear. What was going on? All sorts of terrible possibilities went through my mind. I wished I had a mobile phone so I could call the police. Something terrible was happening I was sure. I crept down the stairs convinced there was a woman in some kind of danger. The woman’s cries were coming from the dining room. I froze when I realized the door was ajar. I could not hear anyone else, just the woman. I felt sick with terror.
As I approached I realized what was actually happening. My boss had his back to the door but I could see what he was doing to himself. I could also see that the woman who was crying was on the screen of his laptop. As soon as I realized she was naked and tied up and being forced to do things I am not going to write about – I felt as if I was going to be physically sick. I removed myself silently from the hallway. I thought about what to do. I opened the front door and slammed it shut. Within a few moments, my boss appeared and said: “Oh you’re back from your walk, do you fancy a cuppa?”
I could not even look at him. I said I had a very bad headache and needed to rest. He said that a massage would help and offered to administer one. I ran straight upstairs.
I hate him. I can’t wait to be out of this house. I feel sick being here.
I walked into the kitchen this afternoon with the shopping. My boss had a shock because he had not heard me come in. He slammed his laptop closed. I knew he had been watching something disgusting.