I Could Not Wait To Escape

In the three posts I have already published about my first job back in London I have explained how I came to be in a “tied-accommodation” post with a boss who made me feel rather uncomfortable during the first two days I was there.

Looking back, I realize now how ridiculously vulnerable I was, because I did not ask for help, I isolated myself and found myself in a situation that I should never have had to endure.

Now let me reassure you I gave him my written notice within two weeks. I agreed to stay on for four weeks in that letter which was the period of notice he asked for. (I had to find another post, so that I had somewhere to escape to.) I realized I can’t bring myself to relate everything that happened that made me feel even more uncomfortable during that time. So instead, I have copied and pasted parts of e-mails I sent to my friend Stuart who was pretty much the only person I was confiding in.

internet romanceAt the time I did not feel I could tell my family because they would insist I left London and returned to them. I was desperate to start working towards being back in my life/world/career/flat – which were all in London. Stuart was very supportive, but most of my contact with him was via e-mails. I just tried to deal with the challenges that came my way and kept a lot back from Stuart because I was afraid of him becoming too angry. I knew I could always call the police if things became too bad.

There is a lot to read. It makes me angry. I have a feeling that the more you read, the more angry you will feel. I find it horrifying that I was too scared just to pack my case and walk out. That’s what I should have done. But at that time, I doubted myself so much and I was too forgiving. If anything like this happened to me now, I would absolutely not tolerate it.

Here goes:

My boss is demanding to take a photo of me tomorrow.  I want to cry.  He said he also wants to take me to his gym. He keeps going on and on about it.  He actually wants to take a photo of me in a swimming costume. Now, before you raise your eye-brows, there is an explanation for this.

before afterHis idea is taking a picture of me that shows the shape of my body now and then take another photo after he has had me on his training program – you know how people post their before and after photos on their social media sites. He wants me to follow his prescribed eating plan and to work out with him every day down at the gym. He wants to make me a more attractive shape. I am of course horrified. He wants to set goals for me that I personally am not keen on.

 

I don’t want to go to the gym with him. But am I overreacting to him because he has given me the creeps? I have to say, if he tried to take a picture of me in my swimming costume my reaction may be so severe…..well, I don’t know, but possibly police may have to become involved.

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I can’t think straight about my situation here. I am exhausted with worry.  It’s not the physical work.  It’s this constant deliberating in my head over the personality and character of my new boss.  Trying to understand where on earth he is coming from in what he says and does etc.

chalk and cheeseWe truly are like chalk and cheese. He is my boss so I don’t want to be picky over things that don’t cross my boundary of what is acceptable. I am trying to find a balance so that I don’t come across as hostile towards him.

 

It’s just because I live within the same property, we see a lot of each other.  Tonight he asked if I just wanted to sit down and watch a film.  I don’t want to be rude to him all the time, so I considered joining him to watch a film. He told me that there was a film on that he thought I would enjoy because it is about a young woman who is learning to think differently about sex. He asked me if I had seen it before. It was that shades of grey film that was at the cinema a few years ago. I was horrified.  I told him I did not want to watch that kind of material. He freaked out at me. Well…he thinks…I am not going to say what he thinks of me.

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harrassmentI cannot bear it when my boss touches me.  I say “please keep your hands to yourself”. But I realize there are men and women who are ok with someone who has no romantic connection being overly tactile/friendly with their hands. He makes my skin crawl. But I keep asking myself if I am being overly sensitive after what happened to me?

I can’t decide for other people what seems appropriate for them.  I only have the right to say what I am comfortable or not comfortable with.  I am hoping that you are reading in between the lines and realizing this subject is becoming a big issue for me.

______________

I am just a bit overwhelmed by how very different the character of my boss is from mine.

But to update you on a few things:

 

  • The photo in my swim-suit never happened (I made it clear that it was never going to happen, but it turns out that at least one of the girls who used to work here allowed him to photograph her in her underwear and her only concern with the suggestion was that she was wearing matching underwear – the numpty!!!!)
  • steam roomBut he did take me to his gym – I chose to swim while he went to work out. Then after an hour, he came down to the pool and yelled at me to get out of the water. Everyone was looking at me. He told me to join him in the jacuzzi – which is next to the pool. Then he said he wanted to show me something else. He took me into the steam room.  I felt sick. He kept telling me to sit next to him. I told him I was not comfortable and walked out. He was furious with me for the rest of the day.
  • He thinks I am a baby (that’s my polite way of explaining his view of me) because I objected to the 18 rated sex film he wanted me to watch with him.  I made it clear that my particular weave of self-respect inhibits me experiencing thrills from watching strangers in that way.
  • The following morning he was even more annoyed with me because he wanted me to watch a program where a spirit medium is helping people.  I said no several times and eventually I literally ran out of the room. I told him I will have nothing to do with the occult in any form.
  • Part of the “regime” he has me on includes time out walking/running each day.  I make the most of it. At first I was walking for an hour a day, but now it’s more like fours each day. I can’t bear to be in the house alone with him. I have met some lovely people already while I have been out and I have been exploring the area.

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My boss was taking his two house-guests (a married couple) out for dinner and asked me to join them. I thought it would be alright with them there. I really like them. I have speaking to them in their language (which my boss does not speak) all week. Even they told me I should get out of here and find somewhere else! However, in the restaurant, he started running his hand up and down my thigh. Yuck! I reacted by deliberately moving my chair as far away as possible. But I actually wanted to pour my wine all over him. I think I hate him. I don’t think I have hated anyone like this before.
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harrassment1He has been angry with me all week after I told him not to touch me. He has raised his voice and sworn at me. He has called me all sorts of names. I have been sweet and calm and incredibly gracious. Sometimes I am shaking because I cannot stand being in his presence, but I am determined to control my anger and behave like a princess.
He keeps on patting my behind and touching my hands, upper arms, shoulders. I have told him I am not comfortable in every way I can think of, and he calls me frigid. He tells me I need to loosen up. He keeps on mentioning that we need to share a bottle of wine (or a couple of bottles) on Friday evenings and really get to know each other.
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MaryPhotoAPPROVEDI was typing some letters for him, while he sat on the sofa and dictated to me what to write. He came over and put his hands on my shoulders and tied to start massaging me. (He tells me he is a trained masseur.) Immediately I raised my shoulders, to which he told me I was very tense. I asked to him to remove his hands. He was so angry, he swore at me again and told me there is something wrong with me.
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I think it was a mistake to tell him I had been attacked. I only did it to explain why I was so uncomfortable with him asking me about sex all the time and touching me. Ihonestly hoped he would realize I have a genuine reason to feel very uncomfortable. But he seems fascinated by the whole subject.
He likes to get me to talk about my attack.  I can talk a little, but he pushes me and I don’t understand the purpose of his doing so.  He says it is good for me. He wants to know everything that happened in detail. I won’t respond to him. So he starts asking me “did he do this? did he do that?”. Ugh! How is that good for me? I told him I would prefer to talk to either loved ones or trained professionals rather than him (for so many reasons!!!!!). I can’t wait to get away from him.
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watching tvHe really wants me to sit and watch television with him. It used to be alright to sit on the sofa opposite him, but he keeps telling me to sit next to him. If he wants a woman to snuggle up on the sofa next to him, he needs to try out a dating site – not threaten his house-keeper.
He watches the strangest shows – I cannot stand them. He likes Jeremy Kyle – which is some kind of chat-show with nutcases, Judge Judy – more nutcases, a program called “Cheaters” about people catching their partner committing adultery, and then he likes anything to do with spirit mediums (but I always get up and walk out the moment he puts anything like that on, so because he wants my company, he has stopped putting these shows on). He records these shows which I think are broadcast during the day, so he can watch them when he is lazing around during the evening.
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He came over and without asking he just started with the massage thing again.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.  I can’t win either way!  Why would I want a massage from a man who has been yelling at me and insulting me all week?  Then while I took the recycling out, he disappeared and put his robe on.  He asked me to take a break from typing and sit and talk for a little.  He opened his legs wide and displayed his “crown jewels”.  I just turned myself round and talked whist fixing my stare onto the floor tiles.

He started laughing. He asked me if I wanted to take a look. I told him I was used to seeing wrinkly dried up private parts because of all my time working in healthcare, but I saw no reason to be subjected to it now.
He swore at me and told me some men would beat me for saying that.
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Tonight he was all nicey nicey, calling me “darlin” and complimenting me and telling me how much he is looking forward to our Friday evening in together (so it seems as if Friday is going to be a regular feature). The last two Fridays I was in control. I kept on topping up the glasses. Mine I filled with water and elderflower cordial and his with wine.  He didn’t seem to realize what I was doing. Both weeks he fell asleep on the sofa.

______________
This morning I was putting some clothes back into my wardrobe when I heard the handle on my door turn. The door opened slowly. I called out “is there something wrong?” He sounded surprised that I was up and dressed. He said that after all the wine I had the night before he thought I would still be in bed. (He has no idea I was drinking elder-flower cordial.)
It makes me livid that he came into my room without knocking thinking I would be asleep in bed.
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He has kissed me on the cheek twice in the past 2 hours.  The first time I asked him what he was doing. He shook his head and said he cannot understand me. Not long after that he put his hand on my face and said he is “ever so fond of me”.  He has sent me upstairs to change into something more comfortable so I can sunbathe next to him in the garden.  I am really creeped out.

I am going to take my tabard off, and put my trainers on then and I am going to head off for a walk. I’ll need to swing by to the shops and pick some shopping up and be back to cook dinner and do whatever typing he wants.

And I have promised to make a cheese-cake tonight. Part of me will want to splat the cheesecake into his face.

______________
man in shorts.jpgHe went to the gym on his own this morning (he was obviously very angry when I refused to go into the steam room with him ) so I worked in the garden all morning and now I am very pleased because I am scratched to smitherenes – scratch marks up your arms and legs are not particularly enhancing…
He keeps on asking me to sunbathe next to him in the garden. He will actually shout at me and tell me to stop cleaning and come out into the garden. I tell him I don’t want to burn. He offers to rub sun block into my skin. I told him the bright light triggers head-aches. He told me to wear sunglasses. He says I need Vitamin D. Maybe I do…but I am not removing any clothing and relaxing near him.
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As soon as I had set up his computer to make a start, he was there behind me.  I felt his hands on the back of my neck and instantly pushed my chair back and leant forward to pick up the file with his notes pretending I had a question to ask him.  Well, I kept the chair back and sat on the edge and leant forward so he couldn’t reach my neck.  Then he said he was pleased because now he could reach my back.  He lifted up my top and tried to massage my lower back.  I grabbed my top and pulled it down and said I would prefer him not to do that.  He have me some technical description of the kind of massage he wants to be able to try on me.  I said that I don’t have any tension in any part of my back.  I said I could understand why he thought I may need a neck massage after being at the computer for so long, but I would not enjoy having my back massaged (definitely not by him – but of course I didn’t say this).  Anyway he muttered that I am a strange girl.
Then, our neighbour’s cat saved me by catching a bird.  My boss managed to release the bird from the cat, so the bird escaped.
But then he was back again in a flash.  I was now sitting in the chair upright and he was standing behind me dictating.  But after a couple of minutes his hands were wandering down to my lower back, I started wriggling around and moved my chair again. I asked him to take his hands off me. Again he put his hands on my lower back and said he couldn’t tell if I had tension there or not.  I said I really didn’t, I said it’s hard to feel anything there because of all of my “padding”.  He said not to put myself down and started complimenting my body – cringe!!!!!!  I said I don’t have any problem with my body, and then I turned right around and said that it really is none of his concern what my body is like and he had no right to touch me. I was glaring at him.  He muttered something which I didn’t make out, but it ended with your name.  I asked him what he had said.  He muttered again something about my love-handles being good for Stuart.  I said “pardon?”  He said “lucky Stuart”.  I ignored him.  To be honest I thought he was being sarcastic at first.  So I just ignored him and carried on typing.  He then came up close and whispered in my ear “lucky Stuart”.
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mug in front of faceThis morning he insisted that I sat down and had a chat with him over a coffee. He was in his robe and sat exposing his “crown jewels” yet again. I held my coffee mug in front of my face to obscure the sight of them. He was clearly irritated and asked me why I was hiding my mug to my face. I told him his wrinklies were on display again.
He asked me if I know how to give a…
I stood up and walked out of the room to grab my coat and keys and left the house and went for a walk. I was absolutely livid.
______________
I was not well today. The pain in my head was excruciating. So after I did a little cleaning and ironing, I went to my room to sleep. I woke up hearing some strange noises. It sounded as if a woman was crying in great distress. The sound persisted for some time. I got up and looked out of the window but I could not see anyone. I put on some clothes and then I opened the door to my room and I could hear it clearly. A woman was crying and moaning. I walked out onto the landing and realized the woman must be downstairs. I felt a mix of concern and fear. What was going on? All sorts of terrible possibilities went through my mind. I wished I had a mobile phone so I could call the police. Something terrible was happening I was sure. I crept down the stairs convinced there was a woman in some kind of danger. The woman’s cries were coming from the dining room. I froze when I realized the door was ajar. I could not hear anyone else, just the woman. I felt sick with terror.
As I approached I realized what was actually happening. My boss had his back to the door but I could see what he was doing to himself. I could also see that the woman who was crying was on the screen of his laptop. As soon as I realized she was naked and tied up and being forced to do things I am not going to write about – I felt as if I was going to be physically sick. I removed myself silently from the hallway. I thought about what to do. I opened the front door and slammed it shut. Within a few moments, my boss appeared and said: “Oh you’re back from your walk, do you fancy a cuppa?”
I could not even look at him. I said I had a very bad headache and needed to rest. He said that a massage would help and offered to administer one. I ran straight upstairs.
I hate him. I can’t wait to be out of this house. I feel sick being here.
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I walked into the kitchen this afternoon with the shopping. My boss had a shock because he had not heard me come in. He slammed his laptop closed. I knew he had been watching something disgusting.

36 thoughts on “I Could Not Wait To Escape

  1. 😲😫😱😬😭😭😭😭😭
    I’m not going to judge you Mel. You weren’t totally yourself after all . I’m sorry .

    I would have certainly quit on the 3rd day. No questions asked !
    That man is a swine! Why didn’t you denounce him?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I could not think clearly at the time. With regards his behaviour – I realized he was acting the way he acts with other women all the time. When I was editing his auto-biography, I realized he has had involvement with women since he was a teenager. He wrote openly about all the women he has had connections with. Several of them have been women who worked for him. We were in his house, he probably didn’t see how inappropriate it was, or how completely unwanted and horrible it was for me. He does not see anything wrong with his behaviour, He thought I had the problem.

      Of course I did have a problem. After what had happened to me, I was very nervous around men. I have scheduled a post for tomorrow about incident that occurred during this time which shows how easily I was intimidated by men.

      All I wanted to do was escape. But it took time to find somewhere else to go to. I did prepare the new house-keeper. I have explained more about that in some posts I have scheduled for next week.

      Liked by 2 people

    2. Incidentally – I realized that at least one of the former house-keepers had received a large amount of money from him to set up her own business. There was one day he asked if I would make plans to be elsewhere because she was coming to visit and he wanted to spend time with her alone.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I saw the way he conducted himself in general and I could see general tendencies that indicated to me a lack of regard for common decency and manners. However, he thought I was soft and naive about the world (perhaps that was so, but I prefer to be that way I confess.) He and I truly were like chalk and cheese. The night before I left he took me out for dinner to a crowded restaurant I picked. The subject of general conversation was not tasteful and made very loud remarks about other people I strongly disagreed with, so I stood up and explained to anyone willing to listen that I disagreed with him and explained why. I then made my own way back. He did actually apologise for his behaviour in the restaurant. It was quite a turning point for me – I had never before chosen to humiliate someone in public for their worthless opinions.

      I do not think he would have put me in any real danger. He kept on trying, but he did not stop me from walking out of the room, or walking out of the house when I found his behaviour completely objectionable. I mention in a post next week that because I stood up to him on so many occasions, I think that others were amazed by me and even he seemed to come to respect me to an extent.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. He paid me £200 each weekend which I promptly put into my bank account. I had next to nothing. I arrived in London with about £50 in my account, most of which I spent on cleaning products and food within my first few days. I needed to earn something quickly.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I have reported what happened between he and I. I kept to the terms as far as I understood the job description. The physical and verbal behaviour that I found uncomfortable with – I dealt with calmly.
        I left and I made it very clear to the next housekeeper the situation. She left for exactly the same reason I did. She stayed for less than a month.

        This all happened. Other readers have posted their responses. Most consider his behaviour objectionable.

        It is interesting to me because for a long time, I have wondered what to make of the situation. The majority of comments I have received seem to reflect the view that his behaviour was not appropriate.

        It made me realize people have very different codes of conduct. It was first the time I had ever come across someone with such a different code of conduct than myself.

        I have held back information about more concerning conduct (I did go to a local advocacy service in the end).

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I have been back at work, earning money, I am in a safe “tied-accommodation” role now with employers who respect me and are wholly appropriate and professional.

          I have been able to acclimatise again to people and the world (before then I had spent a whole year in a bubble while I was recovering). I have had a wonderful relationship with Goldfinch which has certainly made me feel more capable and confidant in dealing with men.

          I have learnt to communicate about my concerns and not to isolate myself with my problems. That was a big issue for me after the challenges I had dealt with prior to the night I went to the park. Being bullied had eroded my self-confidence. Then a year of almost not existing, hiding from the world, and for my first job to come with so many unanticipated challenges – no, I don’t think I will ever be in that situation again.

          I would rather sleep outside in a field than be under the same roof as someone I felt so very uncomfortable about. But Coffee I was terrified to be without anywhere to go.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. The posts I have scheduled for next week show some of the more humorous moments of my time there and perhaps give a more rounded out view of the situation.

            I did not want to relive the worst of the challenges I faced, which is why in this post I used passages from e-mails to my friend.

            My next employer bought me a mobile phone and insisted I carried it for safety. They were very different. I liked them very much. but while I was working with them, I had an accident at work and it aggravated the injuries I received when I was attacked. I had bruising appear all over my face. They took me to A&E and I was told it was not safe to work. I did have to go back up north and stay with family for another two months before returning to London again.

            It’s hard to complain how incredibly frustrating it was Coffee. When you feel like you are fighting just to get back into some kind of normal life where you can earn your bread and butter like everyone else!

            Liked by 1 person

      2. May I ask, you seem offended that I have shared an experienced with someone who I have not named and have no intention to name. Do you feel it is wrong to relate experiences despite protecting the identity of the person involved?

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Coffee – you are right. I learnt lessons from that experience I had not learnt elsewhere.

          It was not pleasant… it was an eye-opener and a half!

          I thought stuff like that only happened in Hollywood movies.

          The only thing I regret was the timing…I had two enormous challenges that had proceeded this – I wish if I was going to have to come across this kind of inappropriate behaviour, it could have been when I was not at my very weakest.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. For a long time I have just tried to not think about him and that tremulous start back into work.

            But I accept this – to him and to a certain percentage of people – what he did was “normal”. There may be people who have read this post and see no issue with his manners at all.

            I was shocked by him, and I think a lot of people are telling me they would also have been shocked by him.

            It just opened my eyes! I worked with hundreds of men up and down the country and not had these challenges before.

            It all made Caramel much more aware of how different people can be in their thinking.

            Liked by 1 person

            1. Hi Coffee

              I had to finish some work earlier, but it is quieter now. I would like your opinion about my post. For the most part my posts are light hearted, but the whole idea of naming this site CRUSHED CARAMEL is that it would give me a way to communicate about some of the challenges I have had.

              Now I acknowledge that what might be challenging/stressful to one person might not be a big deal to another – we are all different personalities/characters.
              But is it objectionable to write “this was my experience and this is how I felt and this is how I dealt with it”?

              What do you think? Do you think the post needs changes?

              Liked by 1 person

              1. I meant me 🙂
                For me…it was a very stressful/challenging experience – for me this was a very stressful situation on top of everything that had already happened.
                I meant that I know some others would have not found it stressful, they would have dealt with it differently. At that time I was very vulnerable. My family did not think I was ready to leave home and return to London. I was determined to get back and just did not expect to come across this.

                I do try to be thoughtful Coffee, really, I don’t mean to be belligerent to anyone.

                It was when you used the word “slander” earlier. I have been the victim of slander. People used my name and claimed I was having an affair with a married man. But adultery is not a judicial crime in either the UK or the US where most people are reading this. Nonetheless it was very damaging.

                I don’t want people to know who I am writing about. But it is a huge relief to write about challenging times from a vantage point where I can look back and make sense of situations.

                Liked by 1 person

                1. Thank you…

                  …I just don’t want to hurt anyone. I have experienced enough hurt myself to know I would never ever want to be the straw that broke someone’s back.

                  Despite some of the challenges I have faced, life for me is about beautiful, wonderful, lovely – rainbows, flowers, sunsets, cupcakes, fluffy rabbits, waterfalls …

                  … but there were have been a few stormy seas along the way.

                  I will read your post, I am just getting ready to close everything up here, before walking home in the frrrrrrrreeeeezing cold.

                  Liked by 1 person

  2. I had been resting for an whole year. I was desperate to get back to my life in London. This was my first job, it was part-time, which is all I could manage at that time and I had accommodation.
    I have never come across anyone like him in my life. He was a well-known business man with an award from the queen. I was shocked to find myself in this position – but I realized something – there are a whole realm of people who have a very different sense of right and wrong than I do. I was a baby being exposed to a world where money, sex and other stuff operate in a different way than I had ever known.

    Because I had been through a massive emotional trauma – my senses/sensors were baffled. I constantly doubted myself and wondered if I was being overly sensitive.

    In addition I will say this – everytime I felt very uncomfortable – I was able to grab my coat and keys and walk out. He never berated me for walking out. When I returned hours later he was quiet/sulky, but he did not actually harm me physically.

    The challenges I dealt with were mainly verbal insults in response to my strong objections.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I certainly thought so! I was a real muddle emotionally, so I did not deal with it the same way I would’ve now.
      However, I did stand up for myself in some ways. I have a couple more posts next week which are a bit more light-hearted that this one was 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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