The Fear In My Eyes

Nature, Waters, Outdoor, Tourism

Can you see it in my eyes? I don’t think I am doing a very good job of hiding it at the moment. The sunglasses and the hats are my protection. They aid my disguise. I am still hiding, still running from a situation I never really learnt to deal with properly. It did overwhelm me. I escaped it when I went to a park and ended up fleeing London after the injuries I sustained that night.

I sometimes wonder if the reason why it still hurts me, even though it is over five years ago, is because I did not find a way to deal with it. Being the victim to a crime did remove me from the nightmare, but it wasn’t dealing with the cause of my distress. It just gave me a different set of challenges to deal with and overcome.

I overcame my physical injuries, my loss of joy, the knocks to my self-confidence. I managed to get back to paid work and unpaid voluntary work, to socialising with friends on a small scale and colleagues on a large scale. All good things.

But I never figured out a way to deal with being a subject of trivial gossip and slanderous rumours. So I still hide. The life, the home, the paid work I am involved in now feels like a temporary blip where I can hide, where I can pretend to live. It feels safe for the moment. But there is always that threat that they will find me and do what they did again. I still have no idea how I would deal with it if they did.

12 thoughts on “The Fear In My Eyes”

    1. People see my family and friends and ask how I am, where I am. My loved ones know not to tell anyone where I am. But they always tell me who asked and any kind words they had to say.

      I have not been on TV since what happened nor on stage. I have been at some events, but I was very careful and if I saw someone I knew was cruel in the past I made a swift exit.

      The really odd thing is, at some of those events I saw Jack made an entrance and fled as soon as I realized he was there. But of course in January, we attended a couple of big events together (and smaller social events with friends). So I thought that this year I would be gradually come out of hiding.

      It’s complicated. There are some people who took a dislike to me (which seems to be because of Jack liking me) and didn’t seem to have limits when it came to the cruelty. More than 90% of the people I want to be back working and associating with are wonderful, wonderful people. But there are a small minority who have a lot of power. It’s complicated.

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  1. This scripture has been on my mind a lot as the world rocks and reels. “The name of the Lord is a strong tower. The righteous run into it and they are safe.” Blessings, Caramel. God is able!

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  2. I hope you don’t have to hide soon! I had to do the same many years ago. I also moved, first to another city and then to another country. I also sad no to a really great job at TV. Because I didn’t want to be seen. But nowadays I am fine, still shying TV. But somehow I am fine in the magazine branch;) I have more control there, or at least it feels like it. Big hug from me to you. If you wanna hide in Sweden come over to my guest room !

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    1. I am happy out of the limelight. But for many years it was part of my life to be in the public eye. Although in some ways it has brought a lot of relief not to have that pressure, on the other hand, it feels as if I have to live a life of disguise and be in hiding.
      Not all the time. Most people would not have the foggiest of the work I have been involved in. But within the circle I moved I had become a household name.
      Sweden would be a wonderful place to hide!

      Liked by 1 person

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