I have struggled these few weeks. I am in the grip of flashback horror and lots of things are making me cry and feel overwhelmed. So many reminders left, right and center keeping my nerves on edge. It’s just the time of year. It will pass. But being stuck working six days a week, with no let up in sight, is not making it easy for me.
I need to leave. I need to get away from a situation that is a threat to my safety. I want, I desperately want to go home. I have chatted about it with Jack. If only. It’s so complicated. He and I need to be 100% uncrackable (and married) before we will be allowed to be together in a role as international volunteers.
It is not something that can be rushed. (I am 99% sure that they only way I will ever get to go home, go back to my career, the role I love and be used in the way I used to be, is to marry Jack. But I would not want to marry him just for the sake of the life I love, I would want to marry him because I love him and want to make am enduring team with him.)
Oh Jack – how did we get ourselves in this pickle? Jack has struggled with my ahcy heart these past few weeks. So he has said he is coming home. Soon. He hasn’t made any arrangements yet – I think he was sounding me out to see if I wanted that. Of course I do. I am longing to be with him.
We chatted about it on Sunday and I am waiting to hear back from him. I told him to remember he has to quarantine for two weeks when he gets back. But then he says he will be my bubblemate – cool!
It still means I am going to spend that time I am dreading (the five year “anniversary” since that awful night that changed my life) all alone. All my family are far away. All my closest friends on the other side of London. Can I go to visit them? I have no idea at the moment what I am going to do. It’s not long now. By this time next week…I am hoping the memories start to fade and it will all be over for another year.
I want to go home. I want to go home. I am frustrated that I have been away from my home and my career for five years. I need to go home. Being separated from the life I love is suffocating. I love Jack. But it is not fair that my going home should depend on me marrying him. That is a lot of pressure on Jack and me.