A Heavy Heart

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The look you gave me when I refused to go up on stage and do a karaoke duet with you.

The cold shoulders, the icy stares.

The cool silence when you were with me.

The slamming doors – ugh that was childish – wasn’t it?

The rage just because I had gone out with a male friend for a drink.

The anger with which you conveyed your annoyance that I cleaned up your mess.

The fury when I made it clear to our friends that we did not have a romantic connection.

The confusion over why you were resentful.

The dread that I had hurt you without realizing.

The uneasiness around you, what you would do and say next.

The regret because at some stage I think I must have misunderstood you.

The longing for peace and pleading with you that we could resolve the rift.

The despair at realizing there was nowhere I could go to escape this and be free.

I wanted peace Jack. I wanted us to clear the air, to come to an understanding. I wanted the chance to understand what I had done to hurt you and not just suffer punishment from you in complete ignorance. You are a wonderful person. I cannot understand why you and I could not just resolve whatever misunderstandings and miscommunications we have had.

I cannot tell you how many times I have wished these burdensome worries on my mind could be lifted. If I could take all the pain and confusion and fear and sadness and wrap it up and tie it to the largest anchor and let it go, throw it away, all to the bottom of the ocean and for it to sink down, deep into the blackest parts of the sea – and for it to be gone.

I loved you Jack, and I still love you probably as much now as I ever did, but you leave my heart as heavy as ever. You have left me always fighting to keep my head above water, always struggling to want to stay alive and not sink down to the bottom of the ocean, into the blackest parts of the sea – and to be gone.

That’s why I was so glad when Goldfinch found me. That’s why it’s so hard now that Goldfinch has gone. Because the heavy heart, full of you Jack, creeps back. I am going to keep fighting and keep living. But I am still longing for the relief that only you can give.

 

 

https://alltheshoesiwear.wordpress.com/2019/02/04/manic-mondays-3-way-prompt-anchored/

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Thou Art Gone…And Forever

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I was reading through the post from Laura Bailey, creator of All The Shoes I Wear with her Three Way Writing Prompt, which she posts each Monday. The photo above is part of that prompt and another part is the word “EVANESCENT”. I kind of knew what it meant, but I rarely use it in conversation, so I thought I would check the definition.

Evanescent: soon passing out of sight, memory, or existence;

quickly fading or disappearing

Now, please do forgive me, but I felt a ripple of pain strike through my heart. I don’t want to let go of Goldfinch in my heart. I am determined to keep him  there always. Now I have a real reason never to let go of him.

I have agreed to go for a coffee with a man (a friend of a friend) on a sort of date. Goldfinch knows – I have told him I feel awful about it – it seems like a betrayal for some reason. But it seems like a good idea for reasons I won’t write about in this post.

I am almost more terrified of the coffee-date going well, than of it being a disaster. I am going to write more about that situation in other posts. But the photo in Laura’s writing prompt and the word “evanescent” made me think of a very famous verse from Sir Walter Scott’s “The Lady Of The Lake”:

So sad!! Every now and then grief rushes over me like a giant wave and a gnawing aching thought that he has gone…and forever…oppresses me. It’s so oppressive. I cannot let it dominate my thinking. I try to dwell on the wonderful memories I shared with him and be happy that he is happy and where he belongs.

I am going out on this coffee-date because I don’t think I should wallow in grief for a long long time. I am going out on this coffee-date because  am still in constant communication with Goldfinch and can involve him in my decisions. I am going on this coffee-date because I am frightened of being alone and having to deal with future challenges on my own. I might possibly be going on this coffee-date because deep down I am in need of a man to hug me and hold me and allow the accrued pain from all sorts of losses – some little, some large to ease out of my heart.

There are things I need and am going to need in the future that Goldfinch just can’t provide from Australia. I would have been content to stay in a bubble of grief for longer. But I have to be mindful of the future.

But I do not want my love for Goldfinch to be evanescent. I do not want it to fade away. I felt so horrified at the very thought of my love for Goldfinch being evanescent that I immediately searched for words that have the opposite meaning and now I have a substantial list:

long-lived

imperishable

continuing

lifelong

abiding

durable

persistent

timeless

eternal

unfading

enduring

indestructible

lasting

immortal

I know there are others, including some wonderful bloggers, who have lost on a far greater scale than I have. I am sure you have grieved even more deeply than I. This awful dread that my love could be evanescent. This guilt over agreeing to go on a coffee-date. This determination never to let go, to cling tight to a love that has meant so much, and expect everyone in the world to know that he cannot be replaced – it’s just he’s gone, and I don’t believe he is coming back.

I am sure there are many who will understand and empathize and probably be able to express it very beautifully.

 

https://alltheshoesiwear.wordpress.com/2019/01/21/manic-mondays-3-way-prompt-evanescent/

FOWC with Fandango — Determined

He Has A Beautiful Birthmark On His Back

When I saw the writing prompt from Laura M Bailey, the creator of All The Shoes I Wear I started thinking of all the text messages I have received this weekend while I have been poorly sick. Her theme this week is: IMPERFECTION.

Well meaning friends have been trying to cheer me and distract me about the departure of Goldfinch by talking of a brand new relationship ahead for me. They talk of all the possibilities. They are a  lot more excited than I am.

Although I have never ruled out the possibility of a future romance, it will be well into the future and not the present.

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The picture above that Laura included in her writing prompt made me think of our family dining table. Seven children and two adults and guest s had knocked and scraped that table. Some of us had made carvings into the wood. The table had to be repaired several times over the years. But what memories we had around that table.

A shiny brand new table, no matter how nice, would not be the same. It would have taken a long time to relax around a new table and truly make it part of the family.

Hmm.

I love every mark, every scar, every dimple, every wrinkle, every inch of Goldfinch. He has a beautiful birthmark on his back. I love it.

I absolutely love that he snores. I love it. I really really love it. I could easily go to sleep despite it wrapped up in his warm arms. I love that his feet are more ticklish than mine. I love that his hands are so much larger than mine, and always the perfect temperature. I love his eyes. I am going to miss his eyes so much.

There is nothing about him I would want to change.

I don’t have any desire to go out and start a brand new relationship with any man, no matter how nice they might be. My friends mean well. They are just trying to keep me cheery. But it is going to take a long time to feel ready.

 

https://alltheshoesiwear.wordpress.com/2019/01/14/manic-mondays-3-way-prompt-imperfection/

Trying To Trash The Timeless

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There has been more than one occasion when I have been completely baffled by someone of my acquaintance who seems completely out of touch with right and wrong. In fact, I have heard people say there is no real right and wrong, you decide for yourself what is right and wrong.

Hmm. To me it feels like some are trying to trash the timeless.

fragile rules 1When I was a teenager I remember both my parents and my teachers trying to help me to understand the difference between rules or laws and principles. Have you ever thought about that?

Here is an example:

You receive a mysterious box from the mailman. There are a list of rules on the side:

  • fragile rulesDo not bend
  • Do not roll
  • Keep at room temperature
  • Keep dry
  • Keep upright
  • Use no hooks

thowingSo if those are the rules, then throwing the box out of the window – would that be alright? There is no rule against it after all.

Seeing those rules or instructions on the side, would you come to the conclusion that it would be appropriate to stand on top of the box to reach something on a high shelf?  After all, there is no rule saying not to stand on the box. Or would you feel it acceptable to drive over the parcel with your car? After all, there is no rule, no law saying that driving over the parcel would be a bad thing.

The principle behind the rules on the box is that whatever is inside is fragile. That is the principle on which the rules, instructions, laws are based. Grasping this principle will move one to handle the item with care. You should not need a list of every conceivable possibility.

Rules may change, laws may change. Principles tend to be timeless or even eternal.

It sometimes frightens me that there is a reluctance to state what is right or wrong these days. Some people seem scared of rules and laws. I wonder. Don’t they understand that rules are based on principles that are unshakeable? If we don’t grasp those principles then we are likely to be living more and more out of harmony with ways that are good for us, that help us to be at our happiest and healthiest.

Instructions, rules, laws are based on principles. My parents taught me to stop and think about the principles behind their rules or any rules or laws I came across in life. I should not need to be in doubt over what is right or wrong if I am not aware of any specific rule. If I grasp the principles behind laws and rules, it would be much easier to make wise decisions.

 

 

https://alltheshoesiwear.wordpress.com/2019/01/07/manic-mondays-3-way-prompt-shattered/

It Goes Boom Boody-boom Boody-boom Boody-boom… Boody-boom Boody-boom Boody-boom-boom-boom!!!

I have chosen this post to link to the theme “doctor/health/medicine”…chosen for this weeks SONG-LYRIC-SUNDAY, which is today hosted by Jim aka newepicauthor, the creator of A Unique Title For Me.

The song below immediately springs to mind when I think of a song with DOCTOR in it!

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I was talking to Goldfinch last night…there is an issue with one of his flights (three flights for him on the route to Adelaide). To help resolve the issue, a viable solution seems for me to to be with Goldfinch on the first leg of his journey which is London to Zurich.

It’s all a bit up in the air at the moment – excuse the pun. But there is a possibility my grand goodbye to Goldfinch will be in Zurich, Switzerland! Doh! Better cancel the dancers and the string orchestra at Heathrow! I cannot get them to Zurich!

Which reminds me…do you think a pocket watch with an enscription (maybe a photo too) is a bit cliché? I even thought I could ask him, if when he is back in Adelaide, can he keep it set to GMT, so he knows what time it is in London, England. I passed a jewellers today with some stunning pocket watches and it made me start wondering if I should take a look at how many pennies I have in my piggy bank? But I do not want to give him something tacky. Is a pocket watch with an inscription tacky? Will he want to carry a pocket watch round? Maybe it would lie dusty and forgotten in some drawer full of old trinkets and bits and bobs?

Aaaaah! I am looking forward to getting home tonight. My chest is still achey after Sunday night. I wonder whether to ask the doctors if it could be just plain old heart-break heart-ache?

I am sure when you saw Laura Bailey’s picture prompt, you thought of the same line as me “MY HEART IS IN YOUR HANDS”.  I am full of conviction in stating whose hands my heart is in!

Now…during the past couple of days, quite a few fellow bloggers mentioned they like a bit of NCIS (especially Leroy Jethro Gibbs!) and so I have opted for a rather marvellous NCIS version of one of my very favourite songs about the condition of the human heart when love-struck! I have had some friends who have done brilliant performances of this on stage – so so so much fun! It has to be one of the best songs for amateur comedy musical numbers at parties. Oh I wish I could show you some videos. Then again…I am sure you could find plenty yourself on Youtube.

Breaktime is over – back to work!

…Boom Boody-boom Boody-boom Boody-boom…

Boody-boom Boody-boom Boody-boom-boom-boom!!!

And for those who don’t know  of NCIS:

 

https://alltheshoesiwear.wordpress.com/2018/11/19/manic-mondays-3-way-prompt-heart/

FOWC with Fandango — Carry

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2018/11/21/conviction/

https://jimadamsauthordotcom.wordpress.com/2019/01/06/guest-host/

Far Greater Than Any Challenge

I published a post a while ago about the mind-boggling amount of energy that is needed to create matter – the stuff you and I and the universe are all made of. I know not everyone sees things in the same way…and I never wish to ridicule those who do not draw the same conclusions after their research.

To me it is awe-inspiring – awe is not a word the English use often…but there is no better word really! I totally understand why for many, what they observe and are deeply moved by, causes them to want to pay reverence towards whoever it is they believe is behind these staggering displays of dynamic power.

I believe the picture prompt from The Haunted Wordsmith is a nebula. I  am not sure which. I don’t think it is the Eagle nebula, or the Horse-head nebula, or the Cone nebula. The closest match I can find is the Carina nebula…but if there are any astronomers out there, please correct me if I am wrong.

As I have said before, I wish I knew more!

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Life is not supposed to be an endless struggle from cradle to coffin

Though there may be challenges that may now seem insurmountable

Though your tears may burn hot and salty and sore

Though the gloom and turmoil of this world make your heart heavy

There is Someone for whom nothing is impossible

Far greater than any challenge, no damage He cannot undo

There is no enemy, not even death, that He cannot conquer and reverse

I am convinced that in the future, life on earth will be better than any of us can imagine

 

…though there may be dark pages ahead…the best is yet to come…

 

https://thehauntedwordsmith.wordpress.com/2018/11/06/daily-writing-challenge-nov-6/

https://alltheshoesiwear.wordpress.com/2018/11/05/manic-manic-mondays-3-way-prompt-reverence/

I Used To Live In The Middle Of Nowhere

I used to live down a little lane almost identical to this one.  I lived on an estate with woodlands full of ancient oak and enormous trees. There were meadows and an orchard, a vegetable garden and formal lawns.

There were miles and miles of green fields all around the estate.  It was a walker’s paradise…rolling fells and beautiful glens and streams and hollows that were almost a secret from most of the world.  I explored them for the three and a half years I dwelt way out in the sticks (or the boondocks).  I have walked for miles without seeing a single soul!

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For now, I live in London…miles away from the boondocks!  During the coming autumnal months I plan to escape the big chokey smoke and pay my respects to the countryside as often as possible.  Here is a taste of where I used to live:

I only left my paradise home because I was invited to become a full-time international volunteer based in London.  My first assignment was to an infirmary where I was caring for other volunteers who were now touching one hundred years of age.  I had to train a team of volunteers how to use hoists and how to assist with patients with dementia.

That’s how I met Jack.  He moved to London a few months after I did.  He was already a success as a celebrity, but he was passionate about working for charities and he had also accepted an invitation to make his main focus working as a volunteer.  I admired him immediately because I knew he was sacrificing other opportunities in order to give unselfishly of himself. Jack has always been an inspiration to me and always will be.

I don’t have any regrets about any of my own sacrifices.  The rewards were incredible!

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This was my response to Laura M Bailey’s 3-way-prompt:

https://alltheshoesiwear.wordpress.com/2018/09/17/manic-mondays-3-way-prompt-boondocks/

Welcome to Manic Mondays 3 way prompt  9/17/18.  A word, A picture, A song. I post 3 prompts each Monday.  Pick 1, a combination or all 3!  
Write a post using any or all prompts. It can be prose, poetry, fiction, non-fiction or drawing, painting….the only limitation is your own imagination! Go wild! 
Once you are done, create a pingback to this post THEN come back here and  leave a link to your post in the comments so everyone can enjoy see your entry.

Without further adieu, our word prompt is:  Boondocks

Definition of boondocks

1rough country filled with dense brush

2a rural area sticks