The look you gave me when I refused to go up on stage and do a karaoke duet with you.
The cold shoulders, the icy stares.
The cool silence when you were with me.
The slamming doors – ugh that was childish – wasn’t it?
The rage just because I had gone out with a male friend for a drink.
The anger with which you conveyed your annoyance that I cleaned up your mess.
The fury when I made it clear to our friends that we did not have a romantic connection.
The confusion over why you were resentful.
The dread that I had hurt you without realizing.
The uneasiness around you, what you would do and say next.
The regret because at some stage I think I must have misunderstood you.
The longing for peace and pleading with you that we could resolve the rift.
The despair at realizing there was nowhere I could go to escape this and be free.
I wanted peace Jack. I wanted us to clear the air, to come to an understanding. I wanted the chance to understand what I had done to hurt you and not just suffer punishment from you in complete ignorance. You are a wonderful person. I cannot understand why you and I could not just resolve whatever misunderstandings and miscommunications we have had.
I cannot tell you how many times I have wished these burdensome worries on my mind could be lifted. If I could take all the pain and confusion and fear and sadness and wrap it up and tie it to the largest anchor and let it go, throw it away, all to the bottom of the ocean and for it to sink down, deep into the blackest parts of the sea – and for it to be gone.
I loved you Jack, and I still love you probably as much now as I ever did, but you leave my heart as heavy as ever. You have left me always fighting to keep my head above water, always struggling to want to stay alive and not sink down to the bottom of the ocean, into the blackest parts of the sea – and to be gone.
That’s why I was so glad when Goldfinch found me. That’s why it’s so hard now that Goldfinch has gone. Because the heavy heart, full of you Jack, creeps back. I am going to keep fighting and keep living. But I am still longing for the relief that only you can give.
https://alltheshoesiwear.wordpress.com/2019/02/04/manic-mondays-3-way-prompt-anchored/
I have agreed to go for a coffee with a man (a friend of a friend) on a sort of date. Goldfinch knows – I have told him I feel awful about it – it seems like a betrayal for some reason. But it seems like a good idea for reasons I won’t write about in this post.
I am going out on this coffee-date because I don’t think I should wallow in grief for a long long time. I am going out on this coffee-date because am still in constant communication with Goldfinch and can involve him in my decisions. I am going on this coffee-date because I am frightened of being alone and having to deal with future challenges on my own. I might possibly be going on this coffee-date because deep down I am in need of a man to hug me and hold me and allow the accrued pain from all sorts of losses – some little, some large to ease out of my heart.
When I was a teenager I remember both my parents and my teachers trying to help me to understand the difference between rules or laws and principles. Have you ever thought about that?
Do not bend
So if those are the rules, then throwing the box out of the window – would that be alright? There is no rule against it after all.
The principle behind the rules on the box is that whatever is inside is fragile. That is the principle on which the rules, instructions, laws are based. Grasping this principle will move one to handle the item with care. You should not need a list of every conceivable possibility.
Which reminds me…do you think a pocket watch with an enscription (maybe a photo too) is a bit cliché? I even thought I could ask him, if when he is back in Adelaide, can he keep it set to GMT, so he knows what time it is in London, England. I passed a jewellers today with some stunning pocket watches and it made me start wondering if I should take a look at how many pennies I have in my piggy bank? But I do not want to give him something tacky. Is a pocket watch with an inscription tacky? Will he want to carry a pocket watch round? Maybe it would lie dusty and forgotten in some drawer full of old trinkets and bits and bobs?
Caramel 