Thou Art Gone…And Forever

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I was reading through the post from Laura Bailey, creator of All The Shoes I Wear with her Three Way Writing Prompt, which she posts each Monday. The photo above is part of that prompt and another part is the word “EVANESCENT”. I kind of knew what it meant, but I rarely use it in conversation, so I thought I would check the definition.

Evanescent: soon passing out of sight, memory, or existence;

quickly fading or disappearing

Now, please do forgive me, but I felt a ripple of pain strike through my heart. I don’t want to let go of Goldfinch in my heart. I am determined to keep him  there always. Now I have a real reason never to let go of him.

I have agreed to go for a coffee with a man (a friend of a friend) on a sort of date. Goldfinch knows – I have told him I feel awful about it – it seems like a betrayal for some reason. But it seems like a good idea for reasons I won’t write about in this post.

I am almost more terrified of the coffee-date going well, than of it being a disaster. I am going to write more about that situation in other posts. But the photo in Laura’s writing prompt and the word “evanescent” made me think of a very famous verse from Sir Walter Scott’s “The Lady Of The Lake”:

So sad!! Every now and then grief rushes over me like a giant wave and a gnawing aching thought that he has gone…and forever…oppresses me. It’s so oppressive. I cannot let it dominate my thinking. I try to dwell on the wonderful memories I shared with him and be happy that he is happy and where he belongs.

I am going out on this coffee-date because I don’t think I should wallow in grief for a long long time. I am going out on this coffee-date because  am still in constant communication with Goldfinch and can involve him in my decisions. I am going on this coffee-date because I am frightened of being alone and having to deal with future challenges on my own. I might possibly be going on this coffee-date because deep down I am in need of a man to hug me and hold me and allow the accrued pain from all sorts of losses – some little, some large to ease out of my heart.

There are things I need and am going to need in the future that Goldfinch just can’t provide from Australia. I would have been content to stay in a bubble of grief for longer. But I have to be mindful of the future.

But I do not want my love for Goldfinch to be evanescent. I do not want it to fade away. I felt so horrified at the very thought of my love for Goldfinch being evanescent that I immediately searched for words that have the opposite meaning and now I have a substantial list:

long-lived

imperishable

continuing

lifelong

abiding

durable

persistent

timeless

eternal

unfading

enduring

indestructible

lasting

immortal

I know there are others, including some wonderful bloggers, who have lost on a far greater scale than I have. I am sure you have grieved even more deeply than I. This awful dread that my love could be evanescent. This guilt over agreeing to go on a coffee-date. This determination never to let go, to cling tight to a love that has meant so much, and expect everyone in the world to know that he cannot be replaced – it’s just he’s gone, and I don’t believe he is coming back.

I am sure there are many who will understand and empathize and probably be able to express it very beautifully.

 

https://alltheshoesiwear.wordpress.com/2019/01/21/manic-mondays-3-way-prompt-evanescent/

FOWC with Fandango — Determined

19 thoughts on “Thou Art Gone…And Forever

  1. I ask this carefully… please don’t take offense for I have been through it myself and have lived through it with my daughters… do you think that maybe you should think about cutting back on your communication with him? If you are sure he is not coming back, and now you understand that it’s healthy to try to meet new men, the daily chatting keeps your heart in locked in a limbo of grief. Emotionally the chatting still feels like a continuing relationship instead of full healing. How are you going to feel when he tells you he has a date? Maybe it’s better not to know and to let the beautiful love end in beauty. Just one perspective. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Paula
      He knows I know he will make the most of any opportunity that comes his way. He is a red-blooded man in great shape after all. Any woman would be a fool not to melt in his beautiful eyes.
      I have something special to share with him now, something that means he will genuinely be always part of my life. But he is going to concentrate on getting himself settled in Australia. He wants to be there.
      I am happy on the whole – truly. But I do miss him. If I meet someone new, I have to acquaint them with information about my head injuries and what it can do to me and .. going forward, there are other things that will not make it easy for a man to make any commitment to me. I don’t want to be a burden to any man, but it would be nice to have a close friendship with a supportive man.
      There is a really nice guy who has shown a lot of interest in me who owns a house near to where my sister lives which he lets out to other tenants at the moment. But he said he is considering early retirement. I don’t know how much interest he will develop in me, it is too early for me to think about, but it’s nice to know such a nice man is keeping an eye on me in my situation.
      We will see. Naturally I want Goldfinch to be aware and involved with any decisions I take.
      One day at a time. It has been less than seven weeks since he left.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I work with constellations so much that I have learned true love is. It simply is. It is beyond time and space. And best of all, you can tap into it whenever you want, without any modern technology. Just sit in silence and open your heart. There is a thread of pure love that connects you and your love. It will always be, no matter what the circumstances, no matter how the outside world appears. And best of all, it is a true resource, for both of you. Like a living, breathing cord that stretches between you and nourishes you, no matter who else comes into your life and offers love in the many facets with which it surrounds you. Much love to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Pingback: Manic Mondays 3 Way Prompt: Anchored – All The Shoes I Wear

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