Memory – All Alone In The Moonlight

HH.jpgI have been having flashbacks. For anyone who has experienced a hugely traumatic event – that sentence will mean a great deal. It is almost four years since an event occurred that was, well, dreadful. Memories – so powerful. All alone in the moonlight.

I have not been back to the Heath for a long time. I did intend to go and remind myself of how lovely it is. But I just have not. And now I find it’s all these horrid memories that are pummelling me.

I am at work, I am on the bus, I am cleaning my kitchen when suddenly…I am back there, lying in the grass. All alone in the moonlight.

I recall sitting on the bench. The moment I became disturbed because I suddenly knew there was something wrong. I became aware that this was not safe. I should not be there. It was now dark. There was nobody else around whichever direction I looked. Only him. I was on my feet I was moving quickly. I remember the force that I felt upon my shoulders pushing me down.

night sky through treesI remember a lot more. Although I choose not to think about it, the flashbacks defeat my willpower. Moments of horror and fear and disgust and fear and outrage and fear fill me.

It must have been hours that I was lying there afterwards. It did not feel like hours. I must have been unconscious for a long time. There are moments that come back to my mind though of seeing the leafy branches above me and the sky. All alone in the moonlight. “Keep breathing” are the words that swim around my mind.

Then there was Gary. It was Gary who found me. It was Gary who called the ambulance.

This year I have had moments when the memories come…and I then as they fade, I feel so much anger. I think towards Jack, but I know it is not his fault. But I don’t know who else to be angry with.

I know it will settle. It is just this time of year. It’s been the same the last three summers. Lots of flashbacks. But I love summer. I am so glad I have my Australia trip to look forward. I am so glad I will be with Goldfinch exactly four years after it happened.

 

 

18 thoughts on “Memory – All Alone In The Moonlight

  1. I am so sorry about what you went through and still go through. You have been brave enough to face it by writing about it. Now you are brave enough to move forward and take that wonderful trip to Australia, I wish you the best, I feel sure you will be fine x

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  2. I’m so sorry the memories keep trying to take your happiness away. You are such a strong person and even though they may not completely go away, they will fade. Enjoy your holiday and surround yourself in the joy of living! ❤

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    1. Thank you Belle – I have accepted that those traumatic memories are going to be hard to eradicate. But for the most part, trying not to let them encroach on my life too much seems achievable. I can’t wait to fill my head with more wonderful memories while I am with Goldfinch 🙂

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  3. That is so so tough for you. Can’t even imagine what it’s like for you. Australia has come at an opportune time. Let’s hope a bit of Homer Simpson logic proves true. As new stuff pops into your head, old stuff has to pop out to make room for it. Let’s hope your head fills with great stuff and the bad stuff pops out. Take care x

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  4. You are not alone. My advice to you is always find something good or a piece of beauty in your surroundings at the moment you are taken back there in your mind. combat the ugly and negative with beauty and love. In the end, it is only you that can find your place of peace with such a traumatic event.

    Liked by 1 person

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