Tag Archives: trust


Very quiet alarm bells are ringing. A slightly concerning situation may be on the verge of developing. I cannot worry…I sort of expected that it may occur at some point, and really up to now I have escaped lightly.

After over three months in my current job, one of my colleagues finally commented on my engagement ring last week. I don’t really mind that nobody else has enquired. For reasons that many of you will know and understand a lot better than my new colleagues would, it is an advantage to my peace and security to keep a low profile and remain discreet about my personal life.

Photo by Chelsea Rebuta on Pexels.com

I answered some of the questions that the colleague who noticed my ring asked me. I am careful about what I will share and what I won’t share. But then another colleague who I work more closely with overheard and very kindly wished me congratulations.

I sort of wanted to put a lid on the situation. I explained I had been engaged for over eighteen months, and it is old news really. I understand that there are normal politely curious questions, and I need to answer them in a way I am comfortable with.

I just hope that the lid stays on. I am not ready to talk to just anyone in the office about my personal life. There is one young man who sniggers every time he asks me about my “charity” work. I have already decided I don’t want to share a single iota of my life outside work with him because he is undeserving. There are others who seem genuinely friendly, and perhaps in time I will feel comfortable enough with them to share a little more of my life.

One thing that frightens me, other than one lady who like me has a very basic non-smart phone, everyone else seems to have electronic devices at their finger tips and they seem to use these social media platforms I am so wary of. So…I will be very very cautious about what I share.

Sometimes It Does Not Make Any Sense

I am blaming both my TOM and also Thomas Hardy for this….but I am writing about it because I am trying to make sense of it.

I found myself in the unusual situation of unexpected and inexplicable tears early this morning.

Eye, Tear, Sadness, Cry, Sad, Human, Expression

Maybe it was the agony I felt for poor Tess of the D’Ubervilles. Jack is coming back on Wednesday, and I should see him on Saturday night for the first time since mid-June. You know how much I love Jack, how incredibly grateful I am. But watching the dramatization of Thomas Hardy’s desperately tragic novel provoked suppressed fears deep within.

I do trust Jack. I really do. But putting your trust in someone brings a certain vulnerability. Trust can be broken or betrayed. I am sure Jack would never treat me the way poor Tess is treated. Yet how frightening a thought it is to be let down by someone who fills your heart with hope and makes you feel so happy.

For some reason, I kept on thinking of Goldfinch. I was weeping within because it is so long since I saw him. Jack knows how much I love Goldfinch, how much he means to me. Goldfinch unwittingly became a source of safety to me, after a harsh storm in my lift. He was careful never to let me entertain the hope of a permanent future with him. Yet he allowed me to enjoy happiness with him, he added so much to my happiness. Sometimes I long to be in his arms.

Confusing – isn’t it! I am deeply happy that I am going to marry the man who is absolutely ideal for me in every way. There is no question in my mind that Jack is as close to a perfect match and compliment to me and I am to him as could ever be. “We dream the same dream, we want the same things”. I am full of hope and happiness. But the vulnerability, the fear of it all falling apart and ending in desperate tears.

Is it pre-wedding jitters? It will all be fine when Jack is back and I can look into his eyes and know….he won’t let me down again.

It’s A Pea-Souper

As soon as I saw Fandango’s picture prompt in this week’s FANDANGO’S FLASH FICTION CHALLENGE, I thought to myself, “That looks like a pea-souper”. What is a pea-souper? The link below takes you to the Wikipedia explanation:


Have you ever been in a pea-souper?

When you feel your life has become a pea-souper…and you are lost in fog so thick that you can barely see your foot in front of you, without knowing how you became so lost and not knowing how to get out of this pickle – do not despair.

Look up – even in a thick fog you can see the stars.  Take the next step in front of you. Then take another small step. Someone can see exactly where you are, how you became lost in this fog, where you have been wandering and what you need to do to get out of the fog.


This was my response to the picture prompt provided in this week’s



I painstakingly produced this post using the block editor and it was an interesting learning curve for me…to say the least. Is that a nice way of putting it?

No electronic devices were harmed in the production of this post…despite the frustration of the user, who was trying to make sense of the block editor.

Mr. Sensitivity

One of the things that has made me feel utterly drawn to Goldfinch is that he has filled the hours I have spent with him with pleasure and fun and adventure…whilst at the same time always maintaining sensitivity towards the fact that I have a scar…an emotional scar that at times creeps up on me and knocks me over at the most unexpected and inconvenient times. Goldfinch has proved himself unimaginably lovely.

creepI met Goldfinch last October, and it was a very very quick decision I made that I was going to like him.  When a man who is a complete stranger is friendly with you, you have to decide as a woman (and vice versa) and make a snap decision whether to run to the nearest security guard or police officer…or whether to give him a chance to show himself as decent. My “creep detector” is extremely sensitive! (I don’t have to spell it out that this photo is not Goldfinch – do I?) In fact I don’t like strangers flirting with me at all now.  Looking back, it could have gone terribly wrong with Goldfinch. I am very glad that my snap decision was in his favour…it was not long until we were walking along hand in hand…and we are still walking along hand in hand months later.  Apologies for being overly mushy!

Yes, I was nervous…being the victim of a crime (if you have read some of my other posts referring to that event, you understand) just makes me even more wary of men who I batting eyelashesdon’t already know and trust…especially in the context of a man trying to be friendly enough to make me start batting my eye-lashes and lavishing my smiles upon him.

Goldfinch just bulldozed his way through all my alarm sensors.  He was appropriate, but at the same time he was firm and friendly.  He was not playing with me.  He was going to be polite and see how I responded.  I decided to receive his friendliness.  He always made sure I felt in control before he knew anything about me.

I enjoyed the time I spent with him the first weekend I met him. When he came to visit me the following weekend in London, my confidence in him grew.  My curiosity about him was ravenous.  I think that is normal isn’t it?  Partly to explore any remote possibility that he might turn out to be a psychopath. But also motivated by this awe that I am walking hand in hand with a man who I met a week ago and it feels so wonderful.  I kept looking at him and wondering, “who are you? – you gorgeous man!

Sometimes I am in a rush to extract too much information and define what is going to be man on the runallowed to develop at the start of a relationship. I have learnt after oh so many bad experiences that it does not go down well to start firing questions intensely. Even if it seems very important to find out if a man wants to have children or build a castle with you, how much debt he is tied to, how many ex-wives or romances he has accrued…it makes the steadiest man nervous to receive that kind of interrogation too early on.  Of course I want to know all this, but you have to be patient and subtle in broaching these subjects.  I have treated too many men in the same way as Lord Sugar grills his candidates on the BBC’s “The Apprentice“! One young man actually told me directly he thought I was super but my probing questions terrified him and made him want to run a mile.

Goldfinch was pretty open with me from the start.  He gave me the basic outline to his circumstances and he explained his stay in England was temporary.  I was grateful to feel I know where I stood with him.  He asked me some questions to get to know me too…and I found I kept on getting myself in a muddle until I finally came on to the subject of the crime I was victim of.

hand-in-hand.pngI was worried about how he would react.  He was fine.  It can’t be easy for a man who hears that a woman he is getting to know has been through a horrific experience with a man.  What I love about Goldfinch is that he has taken it in his stride.  He won’t let it hang like a cloud over our relationship.  He knows at times it might come back into my mind, and he is always sensitive to my feelings.  He has listened to me when I have needed to express myself and he has stroked my hand and held me close.  But he is also very constructive, he gives me great advice on moving forward and not letting the event dominate my life.

I am so glad that I met Goldfinch…he has brought me happiness and pleasure on a scale I was not expecting to appear so out-of-the-blue…from a complete stranger.  He is a good man.  I am amazed that he has been so loving and considerate and empathetic.  Totally deserving of the honorary title “Mr Sensitivity”.

I have already published quite a few posts about Goldfinch…and I thank everyone for being so kind and putting up with me while I am besotted.  That will all change of course in four months time.  But for now, forgive me for being utterly in love!  This is my favourite post about Goldfinch, just in case you missed it.



Disappointed And Disillusioned

Have you ever felt really disappointed in someone? Perhaps you were shocked by something they did, and were confused as it did not seem in character with the person you thought you knew?


I have had that experience recently and it has left me rather bewildered. I have no idea where this is going to leave our friendship in all honesty. (No, I am certainly not talking about Goldfinch!)

We all make mistakes, I know. But when someone had painted a picture of themselves a certain way, and then goes onto show over a course of time that they are not at all what they had originally made out they were.

I am left feeling really disillusioned with them. I keep wanting to say: “I don’t know you.” I have lost faith in this person. How to find a kind and tactful way to say, “I really do not trust you any longer.” Hmm.