Dr Fandango Will See You Now

 

For weeks I have been reading the many posts other bloggers have published in response to one of the Provocative Questions posed by Fandango, the creator of This, That, and The Other. Some of the questions have really captured my interest. I have started posts and never finished them before the next Provocative Question appeared. But this week, I was touched by the thought of Fandango asking his fellow bloggers such a caring question:

“What are you struggling with the most right now?”

as you can see in his original post below:

https://fivedotoh.com/2019/01/09/fandangos-provocative-question-9/

How kind! Our favourite naked skier is all warm and fuzzy inside and wants to know all about our personal struggles! We are all queuing up so we can sprawl on Fandango’s sofa and tell him all our problems. I am hoping he will not regret asking by the time I have finished this post!

Now I don’t like to complain. I am not a whinger. I look for the good in my life. But I have to get my money’s worth out of this question. It’s like therapy for bloggers. I am just afraid we are all going to get a bill in the post after our therapy session with Fandango.

Here are my current struggles right now!

Right at this moment, I feel like Mr Magoo.

I will be honest with you. I don’t have a problem with the pink WordPress have thrust upon us. I liked the old style. But I have never been a big fan of orange. I know exactly why. My Dad thought that colours would influence our personalities when we were little ones. So, he went a bit wild when he painted the bedroom I shared with my sister Mandy when we were very little.  Can you guess the colour that he painted the ceiling? Bright orange! The only way it influenced me was to give me a loathing of the colour. I don’t have the same strong feelings towards pink.

My struggle though, is that it is hard to see which posts from other bloggers I have read and liked. It is so much harder to see the “like” stars. I am sure I have missed posts. Please forgive me if you think I have ignored posts. I keep scrolling up and down the WP Reader to see what I may have missed, but it is hard to see. I feel like Mr Magoo. I am staring at the screen with my eyes all screwed up!

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I miss Goldfinch. A lot!

Sigh! I always knew I would. But still…it is hard carrying a heavy heart around with me each day. I find it hard at night. I spent a long time sobbing last night in bed. I texted him at two o’clock in the morning because I was struggling to sleep with the upset I felt. He replied within moments and then sent me another lovely message five minutes later. This hole in my heart is going to take a long time to heal.

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The pain in my head is getting worse.

I think most bloggers who have read my posts know that I received severe head injuries when I was the victim of a crime three and a half years ago. Before that day, I had never had a head ache in my life. I didn’t understand the concept of a head ache. Since that day – woah! Head pain is ludicrously awful. It makes you virtually dysfunctional. My CT scans are still causing concerns to the consultant I am under, but so far they cannot identify why there is still swelling after all this time. During 2018, I was still having black-outs, and episodes when I stopped breathing. I am frightened by the thought of more surgery. I am a very tough cookie, I have a lot of endurance. But I am not sure how much more I can cope with being incapacitated each mornings.

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I miss my life as an international volunteer.

I sometimes feel so lost and purposeless here. I have a comfortable and pretty little nest. I have everything I need. But there are many days when I feel as if everything is in vain. My life seems hollow and empty even though I am busy. Until I have an all clear from my consultant and until I can face Jack, my ex-flatmate, I cannot go back to my life on the other side of London. Here is fine. There is nothing wrong with here. But it is just an existence. I do not feel fully alive here. I feel as if I am just going along with the motions of life. Here is not bad, but it is not my life. It is not mine. Which reminds me – there is a post in my drafts folder on this very subject. It’s a subject I probably need to explain more.

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I really struggle to understand why my ex-flatmate Jack has still not comprehended how much hurt has been caused. There are lots of things I struggle with when it comes to Jack to be honest. The only reason I endure it, is that I love him. Silly boy.

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I was reading a post from bereavedandbeingasingleparent:

https://bereavedsingledad.blog/2019/01/08/countries-gone-mad/

…and I discovered news that excited me very much! Greggs – a popular high street bakery here in the UK, has launched a new vegan sausage roll. I was very pleased. Can I find one? Every Greggs bakery I have been into (well, I have only been into four branches so far) told me that they had sold out! I was gutted! What time in the morning do I have to arrive at Greggs to have the chance to sample a vegan sausage roll? I am struggling in my quest for the latest vegan indulgence.

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Well…I have to admit, now that I think about it, my troubles are so small and insignificant compared to my multitudinous blessings!

Looking on the bright side … maybe WP have helped me realize I just need to go and have my eyes tested. With regards to Goldfinch – well, at least I have tasted sweet love and because of technology I can speak to him despite a distance of over ten thousand miles! The pain – well, at least I am alive and fully functional in other ways. I should count my blessings and enjoy the health and strength I have. Being away from my life and career is hard, but as I mentioned, I am in a great place. I have a beautiful home and a great job with lovely colleagues. There is an enormous green park at the end of my road and five artisan bakeries on my high street.

HOWEVER. NONE OF THEM SELL VEGAN SAUSAGE ROLLS!!!!