I was supposed to be going to Heathrow with Jack today. However, he has changed his flight because of a funeral. I won’t write about the funeral right now. Jack is upset. But that means I won’t be able to go with him when he sets off. Nevermind. There will be other opportunities, I am sure. I hope to meet him at the airport when he comes back to London. That will be lovely.
Other people “knowing” about us, is already changing the dynamics of the relationship between Jack and I. Before it was just him and me. Now it’s opinionated comments, probing questions and friendly teasing from others. Sigh.
It is good that everyone knows. I am especially relieved that my family know! But part of me wants to crawl back into the cave with him and keep out everyone else from our relationship for longer.
I forgot how freely other people offer opinions and make jokes about subjects that are still quite sensitive. It is very unfortunate that so many of our friends know that there has been a very rocky road for Jack and I. It’s giving them plenty to talk about and tease us about. I am trying to take it in good humour. But I have been very busy, and when you are tired, you are sometimes a little more emotionally fragile than usual.
Don’t worry there have been no disasters yet. I just feel more emotional than before. What people say does affect me. I am trying not to let it be an issue between Jack and I.
But do you know that pain that you get somewhere near the back of your throat when you are upset. It makes it painful to swallow and sends a sharp rush of tears to your eyes. Some of the remarks and questions I have received have triggered that.
I just do not want anything to spoil things between Jack and me. We were strangers, who became friends, who became lovers, who became strangers again. By some miracle, the estrangement was healed and we are friends and lovers again. But it would break my heart it if Jack and I ever became strangers again. Queue the BBC Voice of 2020, yes Celeste:
Caramel 