Tag Archives: romance

Romance And Reality

Most of us have a romantic side to us somewhere, and the right person can make that romantic side flourish. The questions from Melanie, the creator of sparksfromacombustiblemind, certainly made me think back on a wonderful year of romance and love. Yet the reality is…there is no real romance for me on the horizon here. I had a coffee-date this week that went well, but was decidedly unromantic.

https://sparksfromacombustiblemind.com/2019/02/04/share-your-world-2-4-19/

Here are Melanie’s questions for this week’s SHARE YOUR WORLD:

What’s wrong but sounds right?

There is something I often hear people say and it sounds lovely…three pretty little words:

Follow your heart

…but when they say it to me, I really can’t help look at them and think, “you really do not have the foggiest clue about life do you?!!!” Follow my heart!!! Why don’t I just kick myself at the same time? Ay karumba!! That is perhaps one of the silliest pieces of advice to give.

It might sound very romantic, but I know from experience that it is not wise and not safe to follow my heart.

Most of us would get into an awful lot of serious trouble if we followed our heart. I know I would! I am so glad I have some very sage friends who I can turn to for reasonable balanced advice rather than soppy, sentimental nonsense!

If you follow your feelings, follow your heart, and ignore reason and reality – you are very likely to just keep on being bruised and battered.

What physical action or gesture do you find romantic?

Aaaaaah! Where do I begin?

I loved that Goldfinch held my hand everywhere we went. I mean I wanted it, but I never had to initiate it. He grabbed my hand and kept tight hold.

I loved it when Goldfinch would wrap his arms around me at a bus-stop or an a tube station platform. I would be facing him and he kept me tightly wrapped up in his arms.

When Goldfinch danced with me in public – at stations, in the middle of the city centre – juts completely randomly and abruptly. I loved the spontaneous moments when he would grab my hand and pull me close and hold me tight and dance with me.

One summery evening, when the sky was still blue,  he pointed at a crane that was pointing up into the sky and the moon was shining down. He said to me, “they decided to use that crane to hoist the moon into the perfect place just for you and me.” And we danced together under that moonlight, people staring at us.

There was something else I loved.

There were times this past summer when we would just lay in a park either in Coventry or one of the beautiful locations he took me to, and he would just hold me tight. I could feel his chest expanding as he breathed in. My heart would slow down and I felt I wanted to stay there in his arms for hours. I felt safe and loved.

Suddenly this past summer seems too short and fleeting. So much love, so little time with him.

What’s something you really resent paying for?

I can’t think of anything right now. I don”t have much money, so I tend to only spend the little money I do have on things that I need. But they all seem a fair enough deal.

Hmm. One thing that did shock me last year was when I was trying to find a concert that Goldfinch might like. The cost of tickets to some shows was ridiculously high!

What’s your favourite romance movie?  A movie you may find romantic, even if that’s not the genre. 

For me acts of self-sacrifice due to love are the most romantic. The first film that springs to mind is one I already created a post about last week: “Life Is Beautiful”. I published a post featuring it last week:

La Vida Es Bella

The love that man shows for his family despite the most horrific of ordeals! But because I have already told you all about that, I am going to try to think of another one.

Hmm. Well, there was another movie I saw many years ago which has a kind of teenager feel to it, well I think the characters are teenagers. I don’t know if its a little corny, well a lot of romantic movies are a bit corny aren’t they? I did quite like it. I can’t watch it now, because the ending touches a real raw nerve with me. Here is a trailer to the film: “A Walk To Remember”.

What were you uplifted by in the past week?

Goldfinch sent me a lovely message just before I went for a coffee-date with another man. I was so grateful for him reaching out 10,100 miles all the way to my downcast heart to reassure me. Some nice things have happened this week, but to be honest, that message was my special moment.

 

Lessons In Love From All Directions

japan-138954_640

Here is a depressing thought…Anna Karenina! However, this is what I thought when I saw this picture prompt from The Haunted Wordsmith.

Many years ago, I read Leo Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina…perhaps I was too young. I found parts of it interesting, I was fascinated by “Kostya” (Konstantin Lëvin) and read the pages detailing his mind’s journey avidly. I don’t to detract from Leo Tolstoy’s epic accomplishments.

However, reading about Anna depressed me. It didn’t seem like a love story at all, but a tale of how someone descends down the road to despair. I became truly deeply morose to the point I could not face what was happening to her. She seemed so utterly lost.

I think I preferred reading “War And Peace” very much more than Anna Karenina. I did not feel myself sinking so deeply into misery. Although, I read it a couple of years after I read Anna Karenina, so perhaps that was something to do with being a bit older.

There are many classic books I could read over and over again, but I don’t think I will ever be able to face Anna Karenina again, I don’t want to make myself miserable.

Although romantic love can be a very intense feeling and can lead one to the most dramatic decisions and displays…I have always felt that there is a borderline between love that energizes you and inspires you, and the type of love where you have lost all perspective and it is becoming destructive to your happiness.

Anna Karenina brought me to the conclusion not to let myself become that intense. I have never wanted to find myself trapped in a loveless marriage (I am not sure whether I mentioned I turned down two marriage proposals – one expected, one completely unexpected) because my Mumma always used to warn me that there is the potential for great happiness or great unhappiness in marriage.

However I have wanted to learn to love in a balanced, healthy, energising, inspiring, rewarding, satisfying, caring, active, practical and unselfish way. I feel as if the positive examples of my parents and other family and friends have given me an idea of what a happy loyal love can be. I feel as if my years of volunteering have helped nurture in me great capacity for caring, practical, active and unselfish love.

There are three men who have had a significant impact on me. The first was my teenage sweetheart whom I was in love with from the age of 17-24 and I thought I would marry (I will tell you about that one day). The second was my ex-neighbour, Jack. I have a lot more to tell you about Jack. The third is Goldfinch.

I am so sleepy now…I don’t know where I am going anymore with this post!!!! I started with Karenina…very sad, very depressing. And moved onto positive examples of love. I realize I have many many stories to tell you still. But they will have to wait, because I need to sleep! I can see what is going to happen if I carry on here!

 

 

 

 

 

https://thehauntedwordsmith.wordpress.com/2018/10/29/daily-writing-challenge-29/

I Have That T-Shirt

For the most part, I have made decisions I am happy with and have been pleased with the way life has turned out for me.  Of course there have been one or two calamities along the way, but on the whole life has been marvellous.

There is one decision I do regret I guess.  I mean it wasn’t horribly awful.  I am just surprised at myself for being so naive and so immature.  I don’t feel it is a mistake I will ever repeat because I don’t like to hurt myself deliberately.

waiting

You may be wondering which of my decisions I regret so much? It was developing a friendship with a man on line.  I think a lot of you might be rolling your eyes at me.  I was so daft.  After many months of daily communication, I thought he loved me.  I think I loved him.

To cut a very long story short…we arranged to meet…and he did not show up. At the time, I was crushed.  Looking back, perhaps it is a good thing. I don’t think about it too much. It was one of those foolish phases I went through. I won’t do it again. Promise!

I love a chick flick with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan when the world outside is harsh and hostile.  They make me smile.  I love their lines and characters in the movie “You’ve Got Mail”.  But it’s really odd for me to watch it, because it brings back memories of my own internet mystery man. I do wonder what ever happened to him. I would love to know why he didn’t show. But maybe it’s a good thing that I don’t know.

Yup…been there, done that, got that T-shirt!

One Of My Pathetic Attempts To Be Romantic

ChockiesI had been missing him intensely.  I wanted him to know how I felt, how much I loved him.  So I tried to do something romantic…and it did a backflip and blew up in my face!!!  Which is generally what happens when I try to do something romantic!

I will share with you my shameful tale of how I tried to do something relatively simple – send sweets to my sweet!  The tale of how this ended up being four times more expensive than originally planned and caused my Goldfinch both inconvenience and gave him something to laugh about.

I had been to visit him a week or so before.  It was the first time I saw the “man-cave” and met his house-mate.  He took me to an art class (I have to write a post about that day) and then we did some shopping before dining in an Iranian / Persian restaurant.  I had made him some naughty gooey chocolate brownies…which we had one or two of before the art class.

Well, when he dropped me at the railway station to catch a train back to London and I jumped on the 20,51 back to Euston…I realized I had the rest of the chocolate brownies with me.  Baking them had been my labour of love for him.  But I Chocshad them and they were on their way back to London.  I certainly could not eat them myself (ONCE ON THE LIPS…FOREVER ON THE HIPS!) so I guess I would have to take them when I met up with friends.

I came back from spending a day with Goldfinch full up on love.  My chocolate brownies had pleased him, and yet I had brought them home…typical!  So I decided I would send a foodie gift to him as a surprise to make up for it.  I would send my Sweet more sweets.  I tried to send a gift box on the Hotel Chocolate website.  However, I kept on having problems with the website.  I tried almost ten times to pay for the box of chocolates but for some reason my tablet kept on crashing.

So I gave up!

cake in jarI started looking at other options.  I was scrolling through websites with ideas for gifts when I came across these babies.  What are they?  Why, they are cake in a sweet little jar.  Hmm…I had never seen those before.  I chose the following….

Cupcake 1 Flavour: Toffee Apple / Cupcake 2 Flavour: Black Forest Gateau / Cupcake 3 Flavour: Carrot Passion / Cupcake 4 Flavour: Chocolate Nutter

I ask you…how could I possibly fail?  For some strange reason I thought I would have the cakes delivered to his work place.

There I was full of joy, skipping my way along with the happiness of giving, and the loveliness of the man who would be eating cake in a jar in front of all of his curious workmates.

Then it came…doubt, self-doubt.  Maybe he would think cake in a jar was odd.  Perhaps he would not like that I had sent it to his offices.

Hmm… what could I do now?  Then it came to me – a flash of brilliance – Goldfinch loves art.  When we were in the art class, he had a very old, bashed up paint set which he said was very cheap to begin with.  That gave me the wonderfugouachel idea that I could buy him a nice paint set as a gift.  Some men like gifts to be practical.  All I had ever given to Goldfinch was edible treats.

So I asked Google about gift paint sets.

I know nothing…truly nothing about paints and art materials – that is our Mandy’s speciality.  I should have checked with her first…but instead I relied on the reviews and the discount and went for a Caran D’ache Gouache Studio Box Set of 15.  It looked good on the screen. Everyone had lovely things to say in their reviews.  I arranged for it to be delivered to his home address in gift wrapping.

Aaaaaah….laa-dee-daa!  Off I went again skipping with a joyful gait.  Happy me, happy him.

Then the doubt thing came back.  The self-doubt thing.  I suddenly thought “What-on-earth is gouache? This nagging doubt was so powerful it moved my feet in the direction of an art shop that was on my way home.

watercolours

watercolour paints

The art shop assistant seemed to be quite the expert.  She explained that if he likes water–colour then gouache is wrong.  I should not have bought gouache.  Sob sob!

She showed me water-colours.  She explained what pans were.  I had been wondering.  She recommended two particular water-colour makers. Windsor & Newton and she said even better Sennelier.

I went straight back home and I tried to cancel my Gouache order.  I asked Google about the water-colour brands she had told me about.  Now I found two water colour sets.  I liked both of them, however neither were available.  They were OUT OF STOCK.

Both websites gave me the option to “back-order”.  So I did….

A few days later…I was on my lunch break when I noticed Goldfinch had sent me a text message thanking me for the gift and saying he had just eaten the carrot cake one and it was delicious.  I was so pleased.  I asked him what the jars were like.  He replied “Jars?”

Doubts started to niggle at me.  I ignored it.  I just sent back a lovely “I love you” message.

Two days later, he texted me saying, “You didn’t try sending me a package to my work? I have a mysterious package in another office?”  Another office?  I confirmed to Goldfinch that I had.  He asked if it was a puppy in a basket with a limited oxygen supply.  I asked if he was not at work.  He explained that I had sent it to a site owned by the company he works for but on the other side of the city.  He was not going to have time to fetch it that day.  He said I had sent it to a large warehouse full of grafters.  Goldfinch is more of a pen-pusher.

The Hotel Chocolate order I thought had not been successful had gone through afterall. Goldfinch had received chocolates and then a couple of days later the cake in jars.  Only the cake in jars were sent to the wrong side of the city.

Ay ay ay!

Then there were the art sets…again another bamboozled effort to be romantic.

Ugggh!  My order for the gouache set had not been cancelled…apparently, it had already been dispatched, so it was too late to cancel the order.  Then I found an e-mail saying that one of the water-colour sets had also been dispatched.  I immediately cancelled the other back-order.  Goldfinch ended up with two paint sets.  He almost ended up with three!

He wondered what I thought he had done that was special enough to receive four gifts within a few days.  I explained to him that my internet purchases had bamboozled me.

Aaaaaah Goldfinch….Sorry he realized I am barely proficient when it comes to the internet.  Although truth be told, if my purse strings allowed for it, I would be happy to shower him with gifts forever more.  Lovely lovely man.

Lesson Learnt: Don’t try to be romantic…just bake cakes!

I Could Never Put Myself Through That Again

I found a journal from a few years ago.  Scary!  What would it contain?  I found a passage that caused my mind to flood with memories.  I WAS STOOD UP ONCE.  It has only every happened to me once.  But it was a bit of a shocker to me.  I wrote a passage in my journal.  I also found some paper napkins with my hand-writing all over them.  I recalled that after I had been stood up I took myself to the other side of London and went to a restaurant and then after it had closed, I went to see a movie, and then I went to a 24-hour fast food restaurant nearby.  I then travelled into the centre of London and as it was by then 5.30am I breakfasted on espresso and a croissant before I went back to my accommodation and checked my inbox.  There was an e-mail from him.  He told me how much he loved me and how much he was longing to meet me, but he needed to cancel our meeting.  I sent a quick reply saying it was a shame because I had not seen his e-mail before I had left the house so I had waited for three hours at the railway station we had decided to meet at.  After that I slept all of Sunday right through to Monday morning. When I checked there was still no answer from him.  Anyway, if you are up to reading a weepy, here is the entry from my journal after that weekend.

(It is a bit long and I am sure I repeat myself over and over.  When I have time, I think I should edit it to make it a bit easier to read.  But for anyone who likes an outpouring of heart ache, here is a chance to read the raw, uncut version before I shorten it.)

—————

Journal

I am really hoping you have not had chance to check your inbox …because I am kind of disappointed not to see a word from you.  But please know….it is only because I had been looking forward to meeting you so much and I am now finding myself confused and uncertain.  Simply because I have grown to love the man I have been receiving messages from daily for eight months. What happened does not seem consistent with you.  Or the you I thought I knew.  So, either, this past weekend was a blip…a carelessness of thought and moment of inconsiderateness or for these long months you have been trying to be something that you don’t think you can be after all.

I read my napkins from Saturday night…my oh my.  I poured out all my feelings on those napkins.  A man devouring a cheeseburger in McDonalds was watching me scribbling onto napkins and he asked me if I am a writer as he saw me scribbling away.  I told him I am not, but I like writing letters to friends.  After chatting me up he invited me to go back to his place for the kind of drink McDonalds don’t offer.  Scary!  I graciously declined.  Those napkins…maybe you would find them interesting…maybe you won’t want to see how disappointed in you I was that night.  My first thoughts were worry for your safety.  Slowly my sentimentality melted and I saw the situation in the harsh light of reality.  I believe you were deliberately not supplying me with a contact number to reach you and deliberately not calling or texting me to check if I had seen your message.  Was it your actual intention to leave me there for so long?  It made me write some stuff I regret now.  Don’t worry, there is nothing too horrific.  The worst point was when I wrote that I was starting to think you were a complete utter loser.  None of my other words were as harsh as that.  They just contained expressions of confusion and pain.

I re-read your message a couple of times just now.  It kind of hurts.  You sent it one hour before we were due to meet.  You knew I had already left home and would not have any access to my e-mails.  You knew I would have my mobile phone and I had given you my number several times to make sure nothing could go wrong.  However, I respect a man who is eager to use his head not just follow his heart.  I guess your message was kindly put.  There are parts that are not making sense to me. You still claim you want to meet me…but after eight months we make an arrangement and a “miscommunication” occurs.  If only you had made your decision, a decision I respect, before I left.  I gave you opportunity earlier in the week to bail out if you wanted.  I mean, I kind of would have preferred to receive it before I bought a new dress, new shoes and new jewellery and spent money on a gift for you…I wish you had cancelled before I left here with no contact number for you.  But for you to send an e-mail cancelling after I had left here.  I had told you that I would need you to use the mobile to contact me.  I mentioned several times, I would not have any access to my e-mails.  But you either chose not to tell me before I left, so I would go through all the unwelcome sensations of being stood up….and I am still wondering why,.maybe you just didn’t notice what I had said about not having access to my e-mails.  Never-mind.  I would love to make excuses for you.

Tell me please….your message on Saturday, when you said you wanted to cancel….was that actually saying you want to end this relationship?  Could you please make that more clear if that is the case.  Because that is the way it feels.  But I don’t know if I am jumping to a conclusion you didn’t intend.  You say you love me and want to meet me after these eight months of friendship online.  Being abandoned has left me doubtful.  Maybe I am still stinging from the pain and humiliation of waiting outside a railway station in the cold and the awareness you were not coming.

I am anxious.  I am sure you have some feelings for me.  Your words, your messages are so beautiful.  But I don’t think they are entirely consistent.  I can be gullible at times…but it is eating at me that you have chosen not to use the mobile phone number I gave you to contact me.  You could have sent a text to make sure I had received your cancellation e-mail (which I hadn’t).  Even prior to this, you don’t seem to have been keen on giving me your number.  We have talked about us both feeling safe and not taking risks.  But at this stage, it doesn’t make sense to me.  You said you were sorry for being vague about the details planned for Saturday.  I am kind of wondering if you were just playing along and had no intention of meeting me…or perhaps have been playing along for months without any serious intentions.

Maybe I am just being dim…was your decision to cancel and your message actually your way of saying you don’t want to develop this any further?  Or to end this….as in “sayonara”???  Please don’t be afraid of spelling it out to me…you are always kind and polite but if you want me to sling my hook – you might have to be a bit more blunt with me.  But telling me you love me and want me in your life is confusing me.

I don’t think that now.  As you might imagine, since Saturday night, my feelings have been up and down like a yo-yo.  I don’t think am not really bruised, just feeling as if everything is up in the air with regards to you….and I kind of would like some help from you to settle things down.  Please help me to understand.  I don’t know enough about you to be able to understand this.  Are you nervous?  Nervous of me, or nervous you might not be as confidant as you want to be?

I can’t think about making another plan to meet you.  It obviously has not been wise. Now I am wondering what on earth you want for us.  If you do want to end this….please tell me.  I had been in love with the thought of hanging out with you, either in town or on a sofa watching a movie and sharing a take-away.  Who knows what else might have developed?  This penpal relationship has been wonderful…but after the weekend I am resolute, until I hear some kind of explanation from you, I need to protect my heart.  My hopes have come crashing down in flames.

I do feel though, I am not willing to turn up at any other location in a beautiful dress. Maybe if we do make another plan to meet, I will put on a pair of jeans and a T-shirt and we can grab a coffee somewhere.

You can decide for yourself whether our contact is worth anything at all to you.

I don’t think I am the one to be making this decision.  You felt you had to cancel Saturday….so it is left to you to decide what next.

Perhaps the thought of losing the friend who has been sharing every day for eight months is frightening.  There is a large possibility we might be a bit wooden and awkward with each other at first.  Every man I have had a relationship with has not impressed me initially, but I grew to like and trust them more.  I am not worried about the two of us needing a while to feel at ease with each other.  There is going to be an odd transition between virtual and real.

I hoped I had made it clear I am not expecting an overly confidant and possibly pretentious, conceited or arrogant man.  I was hoping for someone caring, kind, humble, hard-working, sensible, with a friendly sense of humour and who wants to share some time with me….I don’t think I ever asked for a smooth-talking, stylish, cool as cucumber, thick-skinned extrovert.  I would be thrilled to be the friend of a man who knew I loved him for his being the salt of the earth.  I am not a snob…I just value kindness, humility, modesty and sincerity.

Right now I am doubting I ever really knew you my love…I don’t know what you really want.  Maybe you don’t want to think about a relationship.  Maybe you just want to remain devoted to work and looking after your home and your motor and a relationship with a woman is just an extra stress you don’t need.  I have tried to be myself, and to be very open with you and I have tried not to express my feelings about you until I was sure about them.  But at the moment….I kind of feel as if there is nothing I can do….to make you want a real life relationship with me.  Maybe you are tired of having a loyal penpal and my messages are taking up too much of your time and worry.  Or perhaps you do want or do like the idea of a relationship…but it seems as if it might involve too much effort and it is a bit overwhelming.

Well….I have made a decision.  I don’t want a fantasy relationship anymore.  I am not willing to invest in something that is either just a bit of fun, a joke, a trivial penpalship, a virtual relationship…whatever it is.  I don’t know what this is anymore.  I thought we were two people who had enjoyed getting to know each other and had started to have feelings and were believing we had fallen in love.  I don’t think I can do this anymore.  I am very sorry.  It’s not that I have anything to complain about.  I just can’t build my hopes up and beat my fears down and then face disappointment without feeling something has to change now.  I have lost my sense of trust and I am not sure I can be a penpal anymore.  There are so many odd things that you have said that made me believe you really wanted to meet me.  It seems really odd now my love.  I can’t bear to look at your messages at the moment.

As for me….my feelings for you are still here, live and kicking, undeterred by the disappointment over the weekend.  But if you think it wise, I am happy to throw some ice on them.

Forgive me but I still don’t know what to think and how I am supposed to be feeling.  I have never had this experience before.  I don’t know how long I should have waited or not waited.  Was three hours too long?  I exaggerate, it was only two hours and forty-five minutes really.  I don’t know how long to wait to hear from you after telling you on Sunday morning what had happened.  Perhaps you are dreading seeing a message from me.  There may be a perfectly legitimate reason.

Actually, I have been thinking about what happened when I was at the station on Saturday evening.  I had a couple of blokes hanging round the station pay me a bit of attention.  Three women asked me where I bought my dress (I am not telling anyone – hee hee – I know it is gorgeous.)  One tall bloke who was wearing more jewellery than Mr T said “hey gorgeous, need a lift somewhere”.  I just laughed and said I was fine.  I noticed a man who was talking to someone on the phone and heard him say the words “just come to the station entrance and look to the right…it is the right thing to do.” A while later I saw him with another man.  For a moment I thought it might be you…I really did.  I was not sure because there were so many men who seemed to fit your description pass me I was confused with who I was looking for.  Anyway, this man went into a shop I can’t even remember the name of the shop, though I was stood outside for so long – maybe it was Whistles or something.  Anyway, I looked at him a few times and he looked a bit nervous…but then his friend seemed to be calling to him and I thought he shouted Keith….so I figured it could not have been with you…because we have had this conversation about names already.  I had already decided I was cold and I had not had anything to drink since lunch-time so I went and bought myself a cup of tea at the sandwich bar inside the station.  When I returned, the two men were both gone.

In truth I am hoping this is not the end, just a little challenge that together we can work on getting over and cement what we have been building.  This is not supposed to be stressing you out .  If you are not enjoying this relationship any longer…we can just stop. Neither of us owe anything to each other.  Neither has harmed the other.  Neither has been unkind or abusive to the other.  If we chose to end this before we meet…well, I have very fond and positive thoughts and feelings towards you.  You have built a friendship with a woman and declared your love to a woman and then accidentally left her outside a train station on a Saturday night…right I am not mentioning it anymore.  Because it’s not being stood up that I am bothered by anyway.  It’s more understanding what is going to happen next.

If we dissolve this friendship…I have plenty of things I can keep myself busy with, plenty of friends who make me thrive…but I am not in search of another romance.  In fact if you say you want to end this…I think I deserve to be a bit down. I deserve the chance to play sad songs and eat chocolateI have many friends who will help me laugh about this situation and move on.  Not that I want to.  I don’t feel like laughing now.  But I don’t know how to feel because I don’t know what is happening anymore.

Sorry lovely…I love you…but I don’t know what is happening here…and I don’t know what is happening next.

I do love you…but I am waiting to hear from you and in the meantime….

….I am going to just get on with the life I lead which you have a good idea of…work, cleaning, washing, ironing, meeting up with friends for a drink/meal (and occasional karaoke or dancing), walking, swimming, reading, shopping, my family, museums….all pretty normal stuff….it is the people in my life that make it so rich and rewarding….if you are  not going to be one of those people – that’s sad.  I would only wish you the very best and hope with all my heart that I have not caused you any hurt, regret, any unintentional offence you have been too polite to tell me about.  I would always hope you have success in all you turned your hand to.  But I would prefer, much prefer, that we met and had chance to see if our lives will over-lap and how much that will be the case.

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In case you were wondering.  He did e-mail me.  He sent a beautiful apology.  We continued our penpal friendship for a few more months.  It was never quite the same. One day he just did not reply to one of my messages.  I ached at the time.  But I think he made the right decision.  There must have been a reason that he knew but would not tell me why we would never meet.  I have looked back at his hundreds of messages.  Now I can see inconsistencies I never noticed before.  Still, I don’t want to think or speak negatively.  He brought me a lot of joy, it was nice having an exclusive penpal who shared every day with you.

But I did it once, and once is enough.  I don’t want to have an internet relationship.  I prefer to meet someone in real life, which is how I met my beloved Goldfinch.

In all honesty…it is something I could never put myself through again.

 

Dear Penpal

 

I don’t know if you think I am daft….or annoying…sending you messages….but I still don’t know for certain if you are alive and well or if I have lost my dear friend and have no idea why.

I write lovely things in a journal for you each evening….in hopes one day, it may be in your hands.

I read an article yesterday on the tube about appreciation.  It was for married couples really but it made me think of where perhaps I have gone wrong with you.  It had a quote from a marriage counsellor who said that most of the couples who see him talk about what is not happening in their marriage rather than what is.  They are all focused on what needs to change rather than what they want to stay the same.  They lack appreciation for their mates positive traits and habits and all that they love about their mate for all they are and all they are doing.

So I was thinking….I hope I have told you what I love and appreciate about you.  But perhaps I have not shown enough appreciation for the type of relationship we have had.  I have maybe harped on too many times about what was not happening in our relationship, and kept on talking about how I wanted things to develop and progress and change.  I am sorry if I gave the impression I was dissatisfied.

Truly sorry… you have sent me so many beautiful romantic messages that gave me hope of something beyond a whirlwind of love letters, but now I am wondering if the transition to reality is just never going to happen.

However, please let me state now how much I have loved what we have been enjoying.  The thought of having lost the relationship we had leaves me utterly heartbroken.  Maybe that is due to me putting unfair pressure on you to move things forward….even though I know you are already juggling many important responsibilities.

If you are alive and well….just reluctant to maintain the frequency of contact we had and feeling that you are unable to guarantee you would have the time and energy to meet up in the future….well that is something I would only respect you for deciding.

However….I would love to think my messages could bring you some amusement and comfort and encouragement and enjoyment.

I am sorry if I have caused you to draw away… I wish I knew what to apologise for specifically and whether it was something I could improve on.

If you have another girlie… then again… I would only respect you for not messaging me at the same time.

If you have been abducted by aliens… I am not sure I will ever know.

If you are grieving due to a serious family tragedy….I wish I could be of some use or support to you….and would want to send you HUGE hug.  I hope my messages are not badly timed.

I am truly distressed that I do not know what has happened to you.

Thank you for a year of romance and joy.

All my sweetest love you…xx