I’m Having A Rest

I wrote this post a year ago…xx

It’s hard to explain the effect of the last few weeks. If you have experienced how PTSD can play a cruel game of “cat and mouse” with you, goading you, teasing and tormenting, trying to find the fragile cracks in the rebuilt you…then you perhaps don’t need my attempt to explain it.

The inside of my chest feels sore because so many times during the past month, I have woken up, or experienced in the daylight, a horrible fear, a chilling flashback, and devastating memories and emotions that want to make me crumble again. My chest hurts after the stress levels of the past month have soared.

Anyway….I am going to have a rest over the next few days. I have some time off work, and I need to rest up and recover from the damage that stress has caused. I am still not 100% sure how I will spend all of my time off. Today, I have gone walkabout, but without knowing where there are public toilets that are open, I can imagine I won’t be able to go too far. I don’t want to be tied to a plan over these few days. I want to feel free. Freedom is part of what helps me to feel better.

I just want to let you know, I have scheduled some of my older posts to be republished over the next few days. They are posts from the past. They are not current. I mention this because I think I sometimes have confused people when I have done this before.

Most of you will know me and Jack are together now, as a couple. It still astonishes me at times that things have worked out for us. So things have changed dramatically since I wrote a lot of these posts. Jack has read these posts and we have discussed what I wrote a lot.

He and I are in a good place. I am looking forward to seeing him soon…after his fourteen day quarantine is over. But the two of us have challenges ahead. There is still an oppressive question mark hanging over the future. Right now…I personally feel neither of us need to feel pressured into any big decisions. We should be allowed to enjoy being together at long last, and I am every reluctant to let anyone else scrutinise us. To be in the life we want to lead together, there would be a lot of scrutiny – I am not ready for that.

So right now…we are not making plans…we just talk about possibilities in the future. All sorts of possibilities. We will have to wait and see. But we seem to be living at a time when making plans is much harder than it used to be.

Right….anyway….ciao for now – I am having a rest – just don’t be anxious about me when you see my older posts appearing. I have recovered so much peace since Jack and I ended our silence and ended up together.

Letting My Hair Down

I love wearing my hair down. I love it. I have only been to a hair salon once this year – August, so my hair is very long again. This year I have worn my hair up, clipped tightly for work. It feels so strange. But we have to have our hair tied neatly for work.

I love coming home from work on Saturday and literally “letting my hair down”. It is such a great feeling. Jack will spend Sunday with me and then he is going back to his on Monday to get ready for his journey up to the Lake District. He is going to make the most of the time with them.

We will be connecting via technology during the week to come, but I am working right up until Thursday evening – so he can only catch me in the evenings.

I just want to say to all the lovely bloggers who are so kind to read and comment on my posts – work has been intense during December, this past week has been nuts. We are doing alright – as a team – but the pace is fast and furious. So I come home from work and just collapse. I know it is effecting the time I have to read your posts and comment – I am sorry if I appear unappreciative. I love the bloggers on WordPress. I have lots of CARAMEL’S CORNER Book Reviews in my drafts folder to finish off. They will resume in January.

For the next week or so…I am going to be working like crazy and then at the end of the week, I finally get to let my hair down for three days in a row!!!!!!!!

At Rest

I have a week long holiday ahead! Isn’t that great!

I have been working hard you know!!! It is so great to be able to go to sleep without setting my alarms for the next day.

Normally mornings are hard because of the head pain I have. So a whole week of being able to cooperate with my head, instead of bullying it is so appreciated.

There are a long list of things I want to catch up with this week. But right at the top of that list is: REST!

A Nappy Day (Not That Kind Of Nappy)

Today did not go according to plan. I was supposed to be working with Jack again. However, I was not well yesterday. So he told me to rest.

I know he was right, but it made me so sad to have to stay at home all alone. I sent Goldfinch a message and received a lovely reply. I also sent some emails to my family and friends. I tried to do some work for on the Personnel database I look after (volunteers). But I had to give up. I started out with an upset tummy, I ended up with a headache that was running all the way down the side of my head and into my neck.

I keep napping, drinking water, taking painkillers and trying to do some more work, but the screen is no good for my head. I am going to have to just close the laptop and say goodnight.

If I feel better tomorrow, I have a big day planned in North London. Lots of work to do. I just want to be with Jack.

I also want to clean my kitchen. I cleaned the rest of my little flat last night, but I was too tired to clean the kitchen and I could not face it today. Hopefully a good night’s sleep will help this head of mine get better.

Good Night To All

I am heading to bed to make sure I have enough rest before another crazy day at work tomorrow.

I know there is a lot of anxiety and stress around, but please try to make sure you rest and sleep sufficiently. Sending love to my entire human family. We are all in this together. We want you to get through this time. Good night for now. May your slumber give you strength!

Sick Of Being Sick

Shutterstock

I am poorly sick right now. I have been sniffling and sneezing, coughing and choking all day long. It is becoming rather grievous!

I told Jack to stay away from me. He was going supposed to be hanging out here tonight. But I cannot give him a cold. He needs to be on top form for another event on Friday. He will be a busy man on Friday. Love him!

Instead, I am going to curl up into a little ball and try to sleep until some time next month.

Sounds like a great plan doesn’t it!