All Alone With The Memory

Since I have been staying at the home of my lovely friends, not only have I broken their fridge, but I also have been presented with lots of photographs to look at by my friends.

Gazing at photos and laughing along with my friends is one thing, but taking photo albums back to the room I am sleeping in so I can continue perusing. For some reason, when I am alone, those photographs have a different effect on me.

Photo by Octavio J. Garcu00eda N. on Pexels.com

You know when I was attacked…there were a lot of blows directed towards my head…and my loved ones had always made me aware that since then, there are things missing from my memory. As someone who apparently has lost memories, it is a strange feeling to see photographs which you are in, with people you do not recognize, at locations you do not recall, and not to find those images prompt any recollection.

I want to remember – but nothing seems to be there. It is a little unnerving. I sort of feel a little vulnerable that my friends have so many photographs that I am in…and I cannot find those memories anywhere in my brain.

I am going to sleep…because it is weighing heavily on my heart.

Jack Performed A Miracle!

Two years ago, I came back from Australia and found that all of the photographs I had taken with my tablet had vanished from the camera files – yesterday, Jack somehow found them.

Breathe. Yes, it is true. I was so broken hearted when my photographs just were not there. They were not there. I checked and re-checked, and cried and cried again. None of my photographs from my summer with Goldfinch. I had one picture, of his kitchen, of a cake I made. That’s all I had.

A year later I planned to return to Australia and determined that I could not travel to the other side of the planet and be without a single photograph, I bought myself a camera as I no longer trusted my tablet. Of course, it was impossible for me to travel last year as Australia closed it’s borders due to the threat of Covid-19. I know that decision was made to protect the citizens of Australia – but honestly, it was a huge blow to my heart.

Of course, I am not really sure why I was going out the visit Goldfinch again when I was in a relationship with Jack. But one of the reasons was the loss of all of those photographs. I seemed to need some sort of proof that I had travelled across the world to see the man I loved, the father of my little apricot. Many of my photos were kangaroos, koalas, kookaburras, bandicoots, trees, hills, birds, public buildings in Adelaide’s centre, art in galleries, and some were of Goldfinch and myself. It was hard to lose all of it. I think I was prepared to travel all the way back there in the hopes of collecting lots more photos and videos – that would help me to enjoy special memories forever.

My tablet is on it’s last legs. I hardly ever use it anymore. Jack was playing around with it at the weekend because he was trying to forward emails from my inbox. He said he had downloaded some files onto my tablet and could not find them. He started messing around with the settings of the tablet and doing things that I cannot understand. As he was searching for the files he wanted, he came across some pictures of Goldfinch and me. He showed them to me, and said that I looked very happy.

I could not believe my eyes!! I could not believe what I was seeing. There were over a hundred photographs that I had taken when I was out in Adelaide, and videos too.

I cannot understand it! I cannot believe it! But they are there. Jack helped me to blue-tooth them on to my laptop. Then we sat together and looked at them together. They bring back so many deeply happy memories. I can’t explain my joy. I am so immensely grateful to Jack. He has somehow miraculously resurrected photographs that I thought were lost forever.

It might not seem that big a deal, but to me, it’s such a huge gain. I am just blown away that two years after I cried my heart out believing those photographs were all gone, Jack has somehow restored them.

This may sound silly, and of course, it is all probably because I know nothing about technology – but if does feel as if Jack has performed a miracle. He gave me back something I thought was gone forever. He gave me back my special memories with Goldfinch in Australia. The ironic thing is, the way it happened. It ended up with me curled up in Jack’s arms, tears streaming down my face, and him kissing me because he could see how much it meant to me. If I had never lost those photos, perhaps I would have been tempted to keep them from Jack, and enjoy those memories in private. But now…well, it has brought me closer to Jack, made me more grateful to him…that he has brought these photos back and is sharing them with me.

Can Sparkles And Smiles Hide How Scared I Am?

I wrote this a couple of weeks ago…before that big night out with Jack – our first public event together as a couple.

I have had a lot of time to plan for my first official public outing with Jack. I have been watching what I eat for a while. I have been trying to walk everywhere instead of catching the bus. Jack has done a lot of walking with me too.

I am not overly obsessed with the way I look. So long as I am clean and tidy – I am happy. Somebody said to me many years ago, many people (he said especially women) are so concerned with the way they themselves look, they don’t pay all that much attention to the way you are looking. That is perhaps a bit debatable, but I realized that as a teenager, I spent most of my time worrying about the way I looked, rather than the way anyone else’s appearance, So, I told myself there is a lot of truth in what my friend said – and I should not become obsessive about the way I look.

But the thing is…being in public with Jack means something I hate! It means cameras! I hate seeing myself in photographs. That is why I have been being more strict with myself than usual.

Anyway…Jack has brought me tremendous peace of mind and joy of heart these past few months. I am sure all of that internal healing has been better for my complexion and confidence than any amount dieting or exercise.

So…in planning for our first public outing, all I needed was a dress. I love my friends…we have had fun trying things on me and one of my gorgeous friends lent me a sparkly dress (which I would probably never have looked at in a shop myself). But in the end I have chosen to wear a Ted Baker dress I found in a charity shop a while ago. It is more my thing, navy blue with gorgeous flowers on it. Nonetheless, I will sparkle in it! Wearing a beautiful dress is another helpful way to feel a bit less terrified!

I just hope I make Jack proud. That’s all that matters! It’s a huge deal in my head at the moment. In fact…I am so super scared, I think I am going to schedule this post to be published after the event. I can’t think about it at the moment. It’s all so daunting. I keep telling myself, just think of Jack, just enjoy being next to him.

It will be all be over after a few hours of smiling and chatting. Ugh! Here we go!