Tag Archives: peace

I’m Having A Rest

I wrote this post a year ago…xx

dflsldhadfhaIt’s hard to explain the effect of the last few weeks. If you have experienced how PTSD can play a cruel game of “cat and mouse” with you, goading you, teasing and tormenting, trying to find the fragile cracks in the rebuilt you…then you perhaps don’t need my attempt to explain it.

The inside of my chest feels sore because so many times during the past month, I have woken up, or experienced in the daylight, a horrible fear, a chilling flashback, and devastating memories and emotions that want to make me crumble again. My chest hurts after the stress levels of the past month have soared.

Anyway….I am going to have a rest over the next few days. I have some time off work, and I need to rest up and recover from the damage that stress has caused. I am still not 100% sure how I will spend all of my time off. Today, I have gone walkabout, but without knowing where there are public toilets that are open, I can imagine I won’t be able to go too far. I don’t want to be tied to a plan over these few days. I want to feel free. Freedom is part of what helps me to feel better.


I just want to let you know, I have scheduled some of my older posts to be republished over the next few days. They are posts from the past. They are not current. I mention this because I think I sometimes have confused people when I have done this before.

Most of you will know me and Jack are together now, as a couple. It still astonishes me at times that things have worked out for us. So things have changed dramatically since I wrote a lot of these posts. Jack has read these posts and we have discussed what I wrote a lot.

fdsgbfsghshHe and I are in a good place. I am looking forward to seeing him soon…after his fourteen day quarantine is over. But the two of us have challenges ahead. There is still an oppressive question mark hanging over the future. Right now…I personally feel neither of us need to feel pressured into any big decisions. We should be allowed to enjoy being together at long last, and I am every reluctant to let anyone else scrutinise us. To be in the life we want to lead together, there would be a lot of scrutiny – I am not ready for that.

So right now…we are not making plans…we just talk about possibilities in the future. All sorts of possibilities. We will have to wait and see. But we seem to be living at a time when making plans is much harder than it used to be.

Right….anyway….ciao for now – I am having a rest – just don’t be anxious about me when you see my older posts appearing. I have recovered so much peace since Jack and I ended our silence and ended up together.

The First Time I Read The Word Exquisite

I actually remember the first time I ever read the word “exquisite”. It sent shivers up and down my spine and filled me with excitement. There was something special about that word, it was incredibly alluring. I have included the verse I read when I was just a little girl that filled me with anticipation.

Around this time of year, I am longing for bleak, grey winter to be over and longing for spring. Every day I feel excited as I anticipate the colour and warmth and life returning.

Sometimes it is hard to wait for the good times ahead. But I know they are coming. Nothing will stop the march of the seasons. I am full of hope, no matter how bitterly cold and dismal it is right now.

Whenever I turn on the news or read a newspaper it seems obvious that this world is quite lost, in need of a great rescue and recovery operation.

I am reminded of that seem feeling. I am full of hope. No matter how bitterly cold and ghastly this world becomes (and I am sure it will get worse before change comes), I am full of conviction that this winter will end and much brighter times are ahead.

I have solid reason for hope. Whatever source gives you hope, I am sure you too feel that same anticipation and longing for an exquisite era ahead.

“right hearted people will possess the earth

and find exquisite delight in the abundance of peace”

My Very Big Family

I guess we all have a different way of viewing both ourselves and the world around us. That may be influenced by the culture in which we have been reared.

I think the majority of people would agree racism is unacceptable.  In fact, if you do think racism is fine, I really don’t think you will like this post in all honesty.

I have seen in my travels to various lands that people are people everywhere.  I find everywhere I go there are a mix of happy, sad, quiet, noisy, confidant, shy, strange, brave, funny, serious, fascinating people in every place I have ever visited.

I love people.  I am politically neutral.  You may wonder what that means?  Well, I have worked with international charities since I was fifteen, who maintain their view of the world as a human family and an earth-wide realm in which a lot of work has needed to be done.

For the charities I have worked with, it is imperative to remain separate and unaffiliated from any political regime, but at the same time to be respectful of the laws and taxes that are asked within that land. We have been able to get in to places where some other organisations cannot go, and we usually get in first, because we are strictly neutral.

I find it extreeeeeeeemely interesting to learn about other cultures. I love learning about and exploring new food, music, and humour. One of my favourite travel presenters is Michael Palin.  I saw a show last week which I think was the first of a two parter…about Michael Palin in North Korea.

I did not see the whole show, just a few minutes, but I am going to try to catch the second part.  In those few minutes, what I did see a lot of, was people.  I saw members of the human family eating, working, playing, in love, talking about their interests and hopes and dreams.

I had a teary eyed moment when I wondered why there are borders and wars and weapons.

My way of viewing the world…is a family, a very big family.  I would love to get to know every single member of my family at some stage.

Heal Us

still control me.jpg

You still have power over me

Your glare sends shivers down my spine

From miles away you still haunt me

Though I’m not yours and you’re not mine

Please don’t let anger consume you

It only makes you look so weak

I would love to sit down with you

And listen to you as you speak

Can we heal this rift between us?

I always pray to God above

With the hope that He can heal us

For you, I still cling to this love

My Secret Escape

Person, Young, Woman, Girl, Skirt

There are secret places and spaces, hidden moments and memories, secluded retreats and refuges that nobody else knows of except me. When this chronically sick world gets too much, I escape to the exclusive paradise of my mind, my dreams, my heart.


This was my response to the ESCAPE 42-word writing prompt hosted by Deb Whittam, the creator ofย Twenty Four:


Real Life

Nature, Waters, Lake, Landscape, Evening

It’s supposed to be another scorcher here in England today. I have a long old day ahead with work. I am going to try to think nice cool thoughts, and imagine myself relaxing somewhere that stress cannot find me. I am going to protect my peace of mind. I am going to keep my eyes on what is real, and not the insane way of doing things that has been developed by successive generations.

Because we were designed for so much better than this…I’m going to keep my mind fixed on the real life.

Where You Are Is Peace

Take me with you to where you find peace

Let me rest beside you within the forest’s shade

Hide me away under the moon’s purple-pink rays

I want to breathe in the cool calm and swallow it down


Take away the pain that is throttling my heart

Let me rest beside you feeling safe in your arms

Hide me away within the blanket of your sweet love

I want to breath in the scent of you and let it fill my lungs


Take my hand in yours and never let go again

Let me rest beside you, I can’t be alone another night

Hide me away from this world that is intent on crushing me

I want to breathe in the warmth and security of your luscious love





Moments Like These Shape Our Minds

contemplating.jpgI am not as much of a deep thinker as I used to be. I used to think and contemplate a lot when I was a younger. But now I am more of a “liver”. I’ve already made sense of so many things in my head, it has provided me with a wonderful foundation to live with gusto! Having things sorted in your head does make for a better life on the whole.

But I find myself contemplating again of late. I met a wonderful man you know as Goldfinch, who has helped my heart to heal so much. He moved back to Australia. I went to Australia to visit and there I met a girl with a Bible in her hand, and we chatted for some time. We met a few days later for a coffee and I asked her many many questions.

north t.jpg

She gave me her e-mail address. She recommended to me that I go to the London Excel Center at the end of August to listen to a program all about what a force real love is, how real love behaves. I sat there thinking of my ex-flatmate almost the whole time. I started praying earnestly about him after that.

street.jpgA couple of weeks later I went for a walk across London and ended up on the same little side-street as he was. I was overwhelmed and walked past hoping he had not seen me. He saw me. He managed to convince one of my close friends to give him my number (I had expressly asked my close friends not to give out my new number to anyone after what happened with social media a few years ago.) He rang me. I just happened to have the day free (I don’t normally) and so I was home when he rang. I was relaxed. We talked. It was a very positive conversation, we even laughed. He said some lovely things, including offering an humble apology. I agreed to meet him.

peace1.jpgAnd here we are weeks later…I can hardly believe it! I find myself contemplating everything, fascinated by the twists in this saga. It was almost as if I had to have some preparation for my heart and my mind to be ready. I mean to ask him if there was anything that prompted and prepared him for this. I feel as if I have been around the world and come back again. I have been travelling along this road of life, and although enjoying the journey, I was always wondering about the destination. Right now…I feel as if I have found him again. I can hear his voice in my sleep, it’s him whispering in the night. I can hear his heartbeat when I am resting in his arms. We are at peace, that’s amazing. Everything else that has happened has been an unexpected and wonderful bonus. It was the sense of peace I was searching for all this time.

Jack And Mel Went Up The Hill

hillPoor Jack! He had a fright this week. I had a little breathing episode. It’s this annoying head of mine. Sometimes my brain seems slow to catch up with my body demanding more oxygen. We had been walking up hill. It was dark. I think Jack thought I had tripped over at first.

Anyway…we had the lovely privilege of spending part of the evening in a London hospital, rather than snuggling up on the sofa, as we would have otherwise.

It changed the tone of our time together. I think Jack was a bit freaked by it all. But I kept telling him he was allowed to touch me, I wasn’t going to break in pieces. So he returned to his lovely huggable ways.

tumbleIn some ways, it was important that he understands for himself the effects of that night I went to the park. I don’t want him to be plagued with why I went there. What I mean is, he needs to understand why I was not able to return to London straight away. He needs to understand why I have been limited with regards the kind of projects I work on. In a way, it might make him aware of why I can’t play basketball and run for miles like I used to do.

hindsight1Sigh. I have mixed feelings about it all – as you may imagine. It’s so important for him to know. I have mentioned it to him. But after what happened, I think it’s hit home to him. It’s sad, so sad, that that stupid mistake of mine, to feel I could not go home yet, because I could not face him, and to go to a park instead. If I had guessed how he really felt about me, I would never have gone to that park on my own. That stupid mistake still has consequences that may affect our future happiness. Sad face! ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

But Jack was wonderful. Happy face! ๐Ÿ™‚

Anyway…it is important to me that Jack knows that nothing matters anymore. I don’t care about what happened in the past and the sad consequences. He has fixed everything just by picking up the phone to try to make things right between us. No matter what happens, I can take it. He has made me stronger. He has fixed me. Nothing else matters anymore.

Pray It Won’t Fade Away

peaceful.pngThe more time we are together…the less I care about the past. The past has just disappeared into thin air.

I have mentioned a couple of times already…the overwhelming feeling I have right now is peace. I hope that peace doesn’t fade. It is a huge weight from my heart. It is incredibly energising to have a burden like that removed.

In fact you could say, the walls I built, they are tumbling down (oooh I can feel a song coming – can you?) I found a way to let him in. Maybe I am taking a risk in letting things happen between us so quickly, but I am never going to shut him out. You know the song don’t you! Everywhere I look I feel his embrace. It turns out he is everything I need and more. The only one I want. (Although I have a huge part of my heart still devoted to Goldfinch. It’s all very sudden.

perfickAlthough I am concerned that this has all happened very quickly…I am equally baffled at how on earth we have been apart for over four years. It seems stupidly obvious that he and I are almost perfect for each other. I say “almost” because there will be some things that cause challenges. They haven’t arisen yet, but I already know in the back of my head what I am going to find challenging. But it’s not him, it’s the aspects of his fame that cause a complete invasion of privacy and invite strangers to commentate on deeply personal matters.

For now…he is almost perfect in my eyes. No, he does not wear a halo…but the song is so perfect! There is nobody completely perfect. But almost perfect in the sense that he is almost everything I would ever hope for. You would have to know the two of us to see how in accord we are. We care about the same things, and have the same drive. I have never met another man with whom I feel we are so unified in thought and outlook.

He has rescued me from feeling there was a disturbance to peace in my galaxy. Now we are at peace…and it is perfect! Pray it never fades away.