I wrote this post a year ago…xx
It’s hard to explain the effect of the last few weeks. If you have experienced how PTSD can play a cruel game of “cat and mouse” with you, goading you, teasing and tormenting, trying to find the fragile cracks in the rebuilt you…then you perhaps don’t need my attempt to explain it.
The inside of my chest feels sore because so many times during the past month, I have woken up, or experienced in the daylight, a horrible fear, a chilling flashback, and devastating memories and emotions that want to make me crumble again. My chest hurts after the stress levels of the past month have soared.
Anyway….I am going to have a rest over the next few days. I have some time off work, and I need to rest up and recover from the damage that stress has caused. I am still not 100% sure how I will spend all of my time off. Today, I have gone walkabout, but without knowing where there are public toilets that are open, I can imagine I won’t be able to go too far. I don’t want to be tied to a plan over these few days. I want to feel free. Freedom is part of what helps me to feel better.
I just want to let you know, I have scheduled some of my older posts to be republished over the next few days. They are posts from the past. They are not current. I mention this because I think I sometimes have confused people when I have done this before.
Most of you will know me and Jack are together now, as a couple. It still astonishes me at times that things have worked out for us. So things have changed dramatically since I wrote a lot of these posts. Jack has read these posts and we have discussed what I wrote a lot.
He and I are in a good place. I am looking forward to seeing him soon…after his fourteen day quarantine is over. But the two of us have challenges ahead. There is still an oppressive question mark hanging over the future. Right now…I personally feel neither of us need to feel pressured into any big decisions. We should be allowed to enjoy being together at long last, and I am every reluctant to let anyone else scrutinise us. To be in the life we want to lead together, there would be a lot of scrutiny – I am not ready for that.
So right now…we are not making plans…we just talk about possibilities in the future. All sorts of possibilities. We will have to wait and see. But we seem to be living at a time when making plans is much harder than it used to be.
Right….anyway….ciao for now – I am having a rest – just don’t be anxious about me when you see my older posts appearing. I have recovered so much peace since Jack and I ended our silence and ended up together.
I am not as much of a deep thinker as I used to be. I used to think and contemplate a lot when I was a younger. But now I am more of a “liver”. I’ve already made sense of so many things in my head, it has provided me with a wonderful foundation to live with gusto! Having things sorted in your head does make for a better life on the whole.
A couple of weeks later I went for a walk across London and ended up on the same little side-street as he was. I was overwhelmed and walked past hoping he had not seen me. He saw me. He managed to convince one of my close friends to give him my number (I had expressly asked my close friends not to give out my new number to anyone after what happened with social media a few years ago.) He rang me. I just happened to have the day free (I don’t normally) and so I was home when he rang. I was relaxed. We talked. It was a very positive conversation, we even laughed. He said some lovely things, including offering an humble apology. I agreed to meet him.
And here we are weeks later…I can hardly believe it! I find myself contemplating everything, fascinated by the twists in this saga. It was almost as if I had to have some preparation for my heart and my mind to be ready. I mean to ask him if there was anything that prompted and prepared him for this. I feel as if I have been around the world and come back again. I have been travelling along this road of life, and although enjoying the journey, I was always wondering about the destination. Right now…I feel as if I have found him again. I can hear his voice in my sleep, it’s him whispering in the night. I can hear his heartbeat when I am resting in his arms. We are at peace, that’s amazing. Everything else that has happened has been an unexpected and wonderful bonus. It was the sense of peace I was searching for all this time.
Poor Jack! He had a fright this week. I had a little breathing episode. It’s this annoying head of mine. Sometimes my brain seems slow to catch up with my body demanding more oxygen. We had been walking up hill. It was dark. I think Jack thought I had tripped over at first.
In some ways, it was important that he understands for himself the effects of that night I went to the park. I don’t want him to be plagued with why I went there. What I mean is, he needs to understand why I was not able to return to London straight away. He needs to understand why I have been limited with regards the kind of projects I work on. In a way, it might make him aware of why I can’t play basketball and run for miles like I used to do.
Sigh. I have mixed feelings about it all – as you may imagine. It’s so important for him to know. I have mentioned it to him. But after what happened, I think it’s hit home to him. It’s sad, so sad, that that stupid mistake of mine, to feel I could not go home yet, because I could not face him, and to go to a park instead. If I had guessed how he really felt about me, I would never have gone to that park on my own. That stupid mistake still has consequences that may affect our future happiness. Sad face! 😦
The more time we are together…the less I care about the past. The past has just disappeared into thin air.
Although I am concerned that this has all happened very quickly…I am equally baffled at how on earth we have been apart for over four years. It seems stupidly obvious that he and I are almost perfect for each other. I say “almost” because there will be some things that cause challenges. They haven’t arisen yet, but I already know in the back of my head what I am going to find challenging. But it’s not him, it’s the aspects of his fame that cause a complete invasion of privacy and invite strangers to commentate on deeply personal matters.
Caramel 