I’m Having A Rest

dflsldhadfhaIt’s hard to explain the effect of the last few weeks. If you have experienced how PTSD can play a cruel game of “cat and mouse” with you, goading you, teasing and tormenting, trying to find the fragile cracks in the rebuilt you…then you perhaps don’t need my attempt to explain it.

The inside of my chest feels sore because so many times during the past month, I have woken up, or experienced in the daylight, a horrible fear, a chilling flashback, and devastating memories and emotions that want to make me crumble again. My chest hurts after the stress levels of the past month have soared.

Anyway….I am going to have a rest over the next few days. I have some time off work, and I need to rest up and recover from the damage that stress has caused. I am still not 100% sure how I will spend all of my time off. Today, I have gone walkabout, but without knowing where there are public toilets that are open, I can imagine I won’t be able to go too far. I don’t want to be tied to a plan over these few days. I want to feel free. Freedom is part of what helps me to feel better.

lsdihgshgsg

I just want to let you know, I have scheduled some of my older posts to be republished over the next few days. They are posts from the past. They are not current. I mention this because I think I sometimes have confused people when I have done this before.

Most of you will know me and Jack are together now, as a couple. It still astonishes me at times that things have worked out for us. So things have changed dramatically since I wrote a lot of these posts. Jack has read these posts and we have discussed what I wrote a lot.

fdsgbfsghshHe and I are in a good place. I am looking forward to seeing him soon…after his fourteen day quarantine is over. But the two of us have challenges ahead. There is still an oppressive question mark hanging over the future. Right now…I personally feel neither of us need to feel pressured into any big decisions. We should be allowed to enjoy being together at long last, and I am every reluctant to let anyone else scrutinise us. To be in the life we want to lead together, there would be a lot of scrutiny – I am not ready for that.

So right now…we are not making plans…we just talk about possibilities in the future. All sorts of possibilities. We will have to wait and see. But we seem to be living at a time when making plans is much harder than it used to be.

Right….anyway….ciao for now – I am having a rest – just don’t be anxious about me when you see my older posts appearing. I have recovered so much peace since Jack and I ended our silence and ended up together.

Where You Are Is Peace

Take me with you to where you find peace

Let me rest beside you within the forest’s shade

Hide me away under the moon’s purple-pink rays

I want to breathe in the cool calm and swallow it down

 

Take away the pain that is throttling my heart

Let me rest beside you feeling safe in your arms

Hide me away within the blanket of your sweet love

I want to breath in the scent of you and let it fill my lungs

 

Take my hand in yours and never let go again

Let me rest beside you, I can’t be alone another night

Hide me away from this world that is intent on crushing me

I want to breathe in the warmth and security of your luscious love

_____________

 

Thursday photo prompt: Tranquil #writephoto

#writephoto

Moments Like These Shape Our Minds

contemplating.jpgI am not as much of a deep thinker as I used to be. I used to think and contemplate a lot when I was a younger. But now I am more of a “liver”. I’ve already made sense of so many things in my head, it has provided me with a wonderful foundation to live with gusto! Having things sorted in your head does make for a better life on the whole.

But I find myself contemplating again of late. I met a wonderful man you know as Goldfinch, who has helped my heart to heal so much. He moved back to Australia. I went to Australia to visit and there I met a girl with a Bible in her hand, and we chatted for some time. We met a few days later for a coffee and I asked her many many questions.

north t.jpg

She gave me her e-mail address. She recommended to me that I go to the London Excel Center at the end of August to listen to a program all about what a force real love is, how real love behaves. I sat there thinking of my ex-flatmate almost the whole time. I started praying earnestly about him after that.

street.jpgA couple of weeks later I went for a walk across London and ended up on the same little side-street as he was. I was overwhelmed and walked past hoping he had not seen me. He saw me. He managed to convince one of my close friends to give him my number (I had expressly asked my close friends not to give out my new number to anyone after what happened with social media a few years ago.) He rang me. I just happened to have the day free (I don’t normally) and so I was home when he rang. I was relaxed. We talked. It was a very positive conversation, we even laughed. He said some lovely things, including offering an humble apology. I agreed to meet him.

peace1.jpgAnd here we are weeks later…I can hardly believe it! I find myself contemplating everything, fascinated by the twists in this saga. It was almost as if I had to have some preparation for my heart and my mind to be ready. I mean to ask him if there was anything that prompted and prepared him for this. I feel as if I have been around the world and come back again. I have been travelling along this road of life, and although enjoying the journey, I was always wondering about the destination. Right now…I feel as if I have found him again. I can hear his voice in my sleep, it’s him whispering in the night. I can hear his heartbeat when I am resting in his arms. We are at peace, that’s amazing. Everything else that has happened has been an unexpected and wonderful bonus. It was the sense of peace I was searching for all this time.

Jack And Mel Went Up The Hill

hillPoor Jack! He had a fright this week. I had a little breathing episode. It’s this annoying head of mine. Sometimes my brain seems slow to catch up with my body demanding more oxygen. We had been walking up hill. It was dark. I think Jack thought I had tripped over at first.

Anyway…we had the lovely privilege of spending part of the evening in a London hospital, rather than snuggling up on the sofa, as we would have otherwise.

It changed the tone of our time together. I think Jack was a bit freaked by it all. But I kept telling him he was allowed to touch me, I wasn’t going to break in pieces. So he returned to his lovely huggable ways.

tumbleIn some ways, it was important that he understands for himself the effects of that night I went to the park. I don’t want him to be plagued with why I went there. What I mean is, he needs to understand why I was not able to return to London straight away. He needs to understand why I have been limited with regards the kind of projects I work on. In a way, it might make him aware of why I can’t play basketball and run for miles like I used to do.

hindsight1Sigh. I have mixed feelings about it all – as you may imagine. It’s so important for him to know. I have mentioned it to him. But after what happened, I think it’s hit home to him. It’s sad, so sad, that that stupid mistake of mine, to feel I could not go home yet, because I could not face him, and to go to a park instead. If I had guessed how he really felt about me, I would never have gone to that park on my own. That stupid mistake still has consequences that may affect our future happiness. Sad face! 😦

But Jack was wonderful. Happy face! 🙂

Anyway…it is important to me that Jack knows that nothing matters anymore. I don’t care about what happened in the past and the sad consequences. He has fixed everything just by picking up the phone to try to make things right between us. No matter what happens, I can take it. He has made me stronger. He has fixed me. Nothing else matters anymore.

Pray It Won’t Fade Away

peaceful.pngThe more time we are together…the less I care about the past. The past has just disappeared into thin air.

I have mentioned a couple of times already…the overwhelming feeling I have right now is peace. I hope that peace doesn’t fade. It is a huge weight from my heart. It is incredibly energising to have a burden like that removed.

In fact you could say, the walls I built, they are tumbling down (oooh I can feel a song coming – can you?) I found a way to let him in. Maybe I am taking a risk in letting things happen between us so quickly, but I am never going to shut him out. You know the song don’t you! Everywhere I look I feel his embrace. It turns out he is everything I need and more. The only one I want. (Although I have a huge part of my heart still devoted to Goldfinch. It’s all very sudden.

perfickAlthough I am concerned that this has all happened very quickly…I am equally baffled at how on earth we have been apart for over four years. It seems stupidly obvious that he and I are almost perfect for each other. I say “almost” because there will be some things that cause challenges. They haven’t arisen yet, but I already know in the back of my head what I am going to find challenging. But it’s not him, it’s the aspects of his fame that cause a complete invasion of privacy and invite strangers to commentate on deeply personal matters.

For now…he is almost perfect in my eyes. No, he does not wear a halo…but the song is so perfect! There is nobody completely perfect. But almost perfect in the sense that he is almost everything I would ever hope for. You would have to know the two of us to see how in accord we are. We care about the same things, and have the same drive. I have never met another man with whom I feel we are so unified in thought and outlook.

He has rescued me from feeling there was a disturbance to peace in my galaxy. Now we are at peace…and it is perfect! Pray it never fades away.

I Must Be Completely Mad

sleeping soundlyMy sleep is so sweet at the moment.

Have you ever become exhausted by worry over a situation and then at long last relief appeared? Is it normal that after years of wondering and worrying that has worn me down and made me weary, when the opportunity to talk things over finally arrives…I have found I don’t care anymore. I don’t care about the hurt, I don’t care about the pain. I am just so thoroughly utterly glad and relieved.

I feel I must be completely mad! I’ve been won over by what seemed like a heartfelt genuine apology and beautiful words and sentiments. This is either the biggest mistake of my life, or the grandest blessing of my existence!

completely madSo much has melted into unimportance. What used to matter no longer matters. There are a few little things that matter. I have said absolutely no to him posting any kind of photograph with me online for the moment. He is snap happy! I have made it clear I still do not trust him. It’s as if he cannot control his enthusiasm. Don’t worry, I said it in a nice way. I told him he is sometimes like a firework that shoots up into the sky and bursts out in all directions, because he is so excited by things. That is partly adorable. But in the past it has caused problems when he became excited too early. It’s too early now. We need to build trust. I think he is taking on board what I am saying.

bizarreI am scratching my head wondering what is going on. I am still in a dreamlike state. It’s so bizarre. Goldfinch has been fantastic. He is as I expected. He is a wonderful man. He always told me he wanted me to meet someone and fall in love. I don’t think he imagined this would happen. In fact I remember us having the only discussion close to an argument we ever did have, up in Coventry because of my ex-flatmate. It’s all melted into unimportance. When you love someone, misunderstandings do melt away into unimportance. You move on because of love and trust.

Anyway…just enjoying the being alone…before the craziness begins. It will come. He will want to take photos of us and post them on Instagram. But not yet. Not until the trust is stronger.

Love Is Rather Lovely

But at times, it can be hard too.

I was so silly!  I just found a text message from Goldfinch before he left his home to head to the airport. I did not understand the first part…it was all Greek to me…and I was worried that it was some cryptic response to our discussion about my ex-flatmate.  I was so perplexed by what it might mean, I did not scroll down to see that he would not have his personal phone with him, so he would not be available by phone for a week.

Can you believe I let myself become so distressed? I was thinking about it last night – why did I panic and presume he was refusing to speak to me?  Because of what happened with my Jack!  It crippled me that Jack would not talk to me after a certain point.  It was all looks and glares and sniggers and silence.  It tore me apart.  When I tried to ask him why he let people say so many awful things on social media, his response was to block me on Instagram.  I did not use Facebook or any other social media platform.  I didn’t care about Instagram.  It hurt that he was not willing to try to heal the rift.

Oh Jack!…the way he behaved was so surprising and provoking at the time.  I have come to expect that all men will behave the same way.  Only, I have never ever had those kind of difficulties with any other man or any other person for that matter.  I have never had any disagreement that remained unresolved.  My parents taught me that you should do all you can to restore peace and repair rifts.  Growing up with six siblings gives you plenty of practice at resolving disagreements.

So after years of making sure I cleared up any misunderstanding with anyone (and it has not happened often, I can only think of a couple of occasions where a misunderstanding could have jeopardised a friendship), I was devastated that Jack did not seem to want to work at making peace, for either our own peace of mind, or for the sake of all our close friends who were upset by what they saw.

Every man I have ever dated I am still on friendly terms with, because I don’t let things end on a sour note.  I have always made sure when ending a relationship that it was obvious that the romantic side of the relationship had to end, but I still cared and would always be grateful for what we had shared.  I still have some incredible friendships with men I ended a romantic relationship with.  Because I cannot bear to risk someone else’s mental and emotional well-being.

But with Jack…aaaah!  I just felt so helpless, he did not want us to resolve things.  That put me in agony.  Seeing him every day, but feeling as if he wanted me dead.  I never wanted to compete in a popularity contest with Jack – he would always win, he is the celebrity!  Numbers would always be on his side.  He was definitely in on the joke, whereas I was only a subject of the big joke.

All of our mutual friends felt awkward.  I hated being at parties and dinner invitations where he was also present, but I was the only one he would not make eye contact with or speak to.  I spent so many months battling tears in public places and at social occasions.

Then the way things ended…with stupid me putting myself in a precarious situation by being on my own so late at night in an isolated part of the park.  Waking up with a team of accident and emergency staff trying to patch me up.  It all makes things harder for Jack I guess.  He may have already been feeling lousy, but what happened to me could have made him feel even more rotten.  I don’t know, he has not told me.  But I can only empathise with him and put myself in his shoes.

Such an incredibly awkward and tense situation to resolve.  But I would love Jack to be assured that all I want is to put this all to rest, to be at peace.  I want him to know I am not angry, I am not resentful…I am in anguish, and deeply in love with him and always will be.  Although, I cannot imagine there is any possibility of a friendship the way we once were friends, I want to be able to remember him with fondness and not with pain. For he is my favourite person still.  It just hurts.  The silence hurts.

I love Goldfinch…so very much.  I learnt something about myself this week.  I jumped to the conclusion that all men can behave like Jack and quickly go from professing love for you to refusing to speak to you.  Did you see how quickly I came to the conclusion that it was all over between Goldfinch and I?   It might seem rather erratic, but I think I understand why I gave up hope so quickly.

I was distressed about thinking that is what Goldfinch may have done.  But I was so scared of the possible outcome of pushing for peace, I was willing to give up a lot sooner.  Because I am scared to go to extraordinary lengths to pursue peace.  I am scared that I am too feeble to stake the enormous emotional effort and risk being scarred and crippled emotionally again.  I am scared that the desperate desire to resolve a situation that is unbearable, could make me so distressed and morose that I lose my senses and end up in another precarious situation.

I don’t have the same energy as I used to have to make peace.  After investing so much energy to make peace with Jack all to no fruition.

I am sad to think that soon I will be just a very distant memory to Goldfinch.  While he is here…well, he has brought me so much joy, and that is all I want to return to him. I am going to try to put aside my sadness over him leaving and try to make the most of the time left.

Goldfinch will be leaving me with beautiful memories and complete peace of mind.

I am still going to be left with Jack though, painful memories and no peace of mind…it is not going to go away in a hurry!  Not until I have peace with him.  In the meantime… I am going to bake cakes and go out singing with friends!

 

https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2018/09/12/your-daily-word-prompt-incredible-september-12th-2018/

FOWC with Fandango — Erratic

To Be Living In Harmony With Every Other Creature On Earth

I found another prompt from Rory aka A Guy Called Bloke and K9 Doodlepip!, that really appealed to me. In fact this was the one that appealed to me most because it touched on some of my deepest and most cherished hopes for the future:

https://aguycalledbloke.blog/2019/02/16/oh-prompt-me-do-fantasy/

I know some might not want to read about another’s faith or beliefs, I totally respect that, so if you want to bail out of reading about mine (well, I will never know – so that’s alright!) please feel free to give my post a miss. The last thing I want to do is to annoy anyone else who has a different outlook or view of the future to me. I am all for peace with any other bloggers!!

I respect that there is huge diversity amongst bloggers and I love the multi-cultural, multi-ethnic make-up of the other bloggers whose work I read and who I receive support from. I would not want to make anyone else uncomfortable. We all have our own precious hopes and faith or outlook that help us to make sense of the world around us and to deal with the challenges we face in life. My hopes have helped me to deal with some of the challenges I have personally had to deal with with a positive outlook.

This picture is the prompt from Rory:

fantasy-3299901_960_720.jpg

When I saw this picture prompt from Rory connected with the title “fantasy”, it made my little brain start whirring away. It didn’t seem to connect with the word fantasy, but a very much hoped for reality. In fact since I was a little girl it is what this picture displays that has been residing in my heart and making me love my life on planet Earth, endure sad and bad things, and feel very excited and hopeful about the future.

When I was a child, I became very picky about the kind of books I would read. My Dad bought me scores of books from charity shops, many of them written by Enid Blyton. I enjoyed many of them, especially the adventures the children encountered. But anything with fairies, magic, or anything I deemed as fantasy (as apposed to fiction) I rejected. I wanted to read about real things. As a child, I wanted my parents and others to be straight with me. I had many questions I was perplexed about and wanted to understand why things are the way they are.

I always loved reading about animals. Stories with animals such as “Black Beauty” and the stories from Beatrix Potter were favourites to me. I think most of us have yearned from a very early age to know more about animals and for them to be much more a part of our everyday life. As a child, it concerned me greatly that people could have a harmful effect on animals, and it also concerned me that animals could harm both each other and humans. I wished all were gentle and at peace. I think many today feel enormous frustration that human activity has meant disaster for so many other creatures, not to mention the serious injury humans have rendered to each other.

I mentioned in a post I published last year (She Taught Me To Blow My Nose) that when I was around five years of age, some close friends of our family were killed in a car crash. As a result, I decided I should read the scriptures. I have read them from cover to cover at least twenty times since, as I fell in love with them. It helped me to understand why things were not right and what would be done about that.

In addition to my own reading, we had a teacher at school who held a story time around three o’clock in the afternoon shortly before we all went home. Almost every story time, one of the children in our class would ask her to read from the big golden story book she had, which was all stories from the scriptures but made easier to read for children. We all had our favourite stories from her golden book. My favourites were all about the future of the earth. I thought the pictures were so beautiful.

Now, the reason I mention this, is that when I saw the picture from Rory it reminded me of one of my favourite passages, which is within a chapter that describes what life will be like once the whole world is ruled by one ruler who cares deeply for mankind and all creatures on planet Earth, you may remember these words yourself:

The wolf will reside for a while with the lamb,

And with the young goat the leopard will lie down,

And the calf and the lion and the fattened animal will all be together; 

And a little boy will lead them. 

The cow and the bear will feed together,

And their young will lie down together.

The lion will eat straw like the bull.

The nursing child will play over the lair of a cobra,

And a weaned child will put his hand over the den of a poisonous snake.

They will not cause any harm

Well…these words have shaped my hopes for the future since I first read them as a child. I never once considered them fantasy, but very much the future reality.

As a child when I first opened the scriptures it was with a desire to understand why sad things, bad things, devastating things happen. It did not take long for things to start falling into place in my little mind. Humans have been out of harmony with our Creator since Adam chose to reject His rulership. And also out of harmony with creation. I accepted that all the sad things, the bad things, the devastating things that have occurred were due to that decision. From the moment they made that decision neither they nor their future family would be truly in harmony with their Creator or creation around them.

I have always looked forward to the time when everything and everyone will be living in harmony again. It’s no fantasy to me, it’s the only possible satisfactory outcome to undo all the damage done by human rulership. All of the damage undone! Every tear wiped away! Real peace. People who used to behave violently and aggressively becoming peaceful and living in harmony with those they formerly would have sought to fight against. All the damage undone! Even death, an enemy humans cannot conquer on their own.

The biggest education program in history, as all humans learn how to live in harmony with the rest of creation, under the guidance of their Creator.

I have been convinced that our Creator would undo that damage and satisfy our yearning to be living in harmony with every other creature on earth.

 

The First Time I Read The Word Exquisite

I actually remember the first time I ever read the word “exquisite”. It sent shivers up and down my spine and filled me with excitement. There was something special about that word, it was incredibly alluring. I have included the verse I read when I was just a little girl that filled me with anticipation.

Around this time of year, I am longing for bleak, grey winter to be over and longing for spring. Every day I feel excited as I anticipate the colour and warmth and life returning.

Sometimes it is hard to wait for the good times ahead. But I know they are coming. Nothing will stop the march of the seasons. I am full of hope, no matter how bitterly cold and dismal it is right now.

Whenever I turn on the news or read a newspaper it seems obvious that this world is quite lost, in need of a great rescue and recovery operation.

I am reminded of that seem feeling. I am full of hope. No matter how bitterly cold and ghastly this world becomes (and I am sure it will get worse before change comes), I am full of conviction that this winter will end and much brighter times are ahead.

I have solid reason for hope. Whatever source gives you hope, I am sure you too feel that same anticipation and longing for an exquisite era ahead.

 

“right hearted people will possess the earth

and find exquisite delight in the abundance of peace”

 

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/01/13/exquisite/

https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/01/13/your-daily-word-prompt-lost-january-13-2019/

 

My Very Big Family

I guess we all have a different way of viewing both ourselves and the world around us. That may be influenced by the culture in which we have been reared.

I think the majority of people would agree racism is unacceptable.  In fact, if you do think racism is fine, I really don’t think you will like this post in all honesty.

I have seen in my travels to various lands that people are people everywhere.  I find everywhere I go there are a mix of happy, sad, quiet, noisy, confidant, shy, strange, brave, funny, serious, fascinating people in every place I have ever visited.

I love people.  I am politically neutral.  You may wonder what that means?  Well, I have worked with international charities since I was fifteen, who maintain their view of the world as a human family and an earth-wide realm in which a lot of work has needed to be done.

For the charities I have worked with, it is imperative to remain separate and unaffiliated from any political regime, but at the same time to be respectful of the laws and taxes that are asked within that land. We have been able to get in to places where some other organisations cannot go, and we usually get in first, because we are strictly neutral.

I find it extreeeeeeeemely interesting to learn about other cultures. I love learning about and exploring new food, music, and humour. One of my favourite travel presenters is Michael Palin.  I saw a show last week which I think was the first of a two parter…about Michael Palin in North Korea.

I did not see the whole show, just a few minutes, but I am going to try to catch the second part.  In those few minutes, what I did see a lot of, was people.  I saw members of the human family eating, working, playing, in love, talking about their interests and hopes and dreams.

I had a teary eyed moment when I wondered why there are borders and wars and weapons.

My way of viewing the world…is a family, a very big family.  I would love to get to know every single member of my family at some stage.