The Anger Is Lurking

It’s that time of year again. Perhaps to someone who has never been through a life-changing trauma, it is hard to understand the need to let out the hurt inside once in a while. But others will know that if you don’t let that hurt out, you start to become erratic and agitated and scary!!!

I think a number of you know what my life-changing traumatic experience involved. Others perhaps have no idea what I am referring to. Well….it is now six years ago – six whole years since I was the victim of a terrible crime. Strangely perhaps, I found it not too difficult to process what had happened, and to box it up and put it on the top shelf where I did not think about it very often. There were a lot of other stressful factors that have been a lot harder to deal with, but making peace with Jack has healed so many of the wounds that came before the night I went to a park on my own….the location where I was later attacked.

But even though I rarely think of what happened to me that night, around this time of year, the reminders start pouring in. The hot weather, the smell of grass, Italian food, animals screeching in the night…they seem to be like little triggers (doh – was trying not to use that word!)…ok like little distortions in subspace that send me through a wormhole right back to that night.

How else do you describe a “flashback”? (Another word I was trying to avoid!) The recollection is so real, so terrifyingly real, that I really feel as if I am right there, and it is happening in the present. It is such a powerful phenomenon and it is unpredictable and deeply disturbing. The brain can do some bizarre things.

I woke up on Sunday night full of anger. I am not a person who gets angry. But the memory of what was done to me….I was enraged. Jack is away at the moment. He knows this time of year is tough for me. He has been sending me lots of messages and emails with photos of his trip. I am so grateful to have his love. As I mentioned earlier…it has resulted in enormous healing.

Yet…even though my life is now blessed beyond all of my expectations…I find that I need to take the box off the shelf, and have my tears and let the pain out. Every year someone seems to become distressed that I can be sad. I find that odd. Hey…being sad when you have a good reason is ok!! Even Jesus was sad at times! It is ok for Melody to be sad because of the painful memories.

This is a time of year that will pass. The memories will fade. The box will be sealed tight again and it will go back up onto the top shelf, where I will forget all about it. So if you recognize my posts and know you have read them before….please feel free to skip them. If you have not seen them before…please don’t get your knickers in a twist about them. I am just letting myself grieve. I am allowed my tears, my sadness, my anger for these few days as the memories flood over me. I don’t want to write anything fresh. I don’t really have more to say about what happened. I just need to mark it as a calamity, an injustice, a crime that robbed me of so much.

And…it is ok! I am ok. I am more than ok in fact! I am getting married to the man who was the pivotal reason why I was overcome with despair and foolishly allowed myself to abandon my senses in the night on my own. I am living my happy ending every day…and so much healing has been accomplished, so much joy has been regained. But if I don’t let myself have a few tears…I will go crazy!

Reminiscing

For the past couple of months, I have been re-blogging some of my older posts. There are a lot left….but I wondered would it confuse you if I republished some of older posts about the gorgeous Goldfinch? They are special to me. He and I are still in touch you know. We had a little flurry of emails on Sunday.

I know sometimes re-blogging personal posts sometimes can cause confusion, but just to make it clear – I am with Jack – we are engaged. But Goldfinch and I are still friends and he will always be special to me. I would love to reminisce over all those happy memories I wrote about. But I am struggling to find time to get back to all the comments that are stacking up on my blog – so please if I do re-publish older posts about Goldfinch – please don’t send me questions about what has happened to Jack!

Jack is super smashing great! We have these bizarre conversations about weddings. I still think it is too early to plan. I don’t even want to book a holiday to Norfolk I am so doubtful about cancellations and more messing about as things open up. But Jack is wonderful. He is making me so happy. So much of pain just melts away when peace is restored. It’s weird I can now talk about the past without the pain rising.

Would There Be Another Cup Of Tea?

On the Sunday morning after the awards show the night before, I lingered in the kitchen at breakfast time wondering when Jack would appear. I wanted to sit down with him again in the kitchen as we had done the weekend before. We needed to sit down over another cup of tea and straighten things out. Recalling how unexpectedly well that conversation had gone spurred me on. I knew Jack could communicate if he chose to, could be humble and kind and wonderful.

Each one of my flatmates appeared one at a time and chatted to me. But no Jack. I asked one of my flatmates if he had seen Jack yet. He went into Jack’s room and then returned to the kitchen and told me he wasn’t there.

So…I headed out to meet some friends. We went for a walk, across one of my favourite parks on London and finished with a steaming cup of tea and a slice of toast. It was a lovely day. I couldn’t stop thinking of Jack and the conversation I was convinced we needed to have.

When I arrived back at our flat, Ella was cooking in the kitchen.  I went in to make a drink and she asked me if I had seen Jack. I told her I had seen him briefly the night before and he and I had agreed we would talk.

“You need to talk to him Mel.  Go and tell him you are here and you are ready to talk.“

I nodded and hastily ran to the door of Jack’s room.  I knocked quietly and waited.  There was no answer. I knocked more firmly and waited.  His door opened.  Jack looked at me with a serious expression.

“Can we talk Jack?“

Jack concurred. “Let’s talk in the kitchen.”

“Ella is cooking right now. Should we talk somewhere else?“

Jack shook his head, “Let’s wait until she has finished.“

I wonder if Jack realized I was disappointed. He told me he was rather busy and he closed the door to his room.

Reluctantly, I went back to the kitchen and told Ella what he had said. Ella told me that her and Dean were going to be going out as soon as Dean was home and had showered (he had been playing football). She thought it a good idea that Jack and I might have some privacy.

Once Ella and Dean had left the flat, I waited for a few minutes and then put the kettle on. I made two mugs of tea and then returned to the door of Jack’s room. I placed both mugs in one hand so I could knock again and waited. Jack opened the door.

“Ella and Dean have gone out for the evening. Can we talk now Jack, before the others come home?“

“Mel, I haven’t really got time for this. Can we talk another time?”

I couldn’t believe he was trying to wriggle out of talking. It had taken three months before he had finally sat down to talk, I couldn’t bear to think of postponing another conversation that we desperately needed to have. But I submitted to Jack and said that was fine.

I poured one mug of tea down into the kitchen sink and took the other with me back to my room. I  sat down at my desk with such a mix of feelings. I reviewed everything that had happened and felt I had a right to ask for some of Jack’s time. Could I go back and knock on the door to Jack’s room yet again and insist we talk?

My phone started to buzz. It was Marta. Her dramatic tones startled me. She sounded furious.

She told me to look at Jacks Instagram account. I did. I could not believe what I was seeing on Jack’s Instagram account. It was a photo of him at the awards show the night before, and underneath scores of comments from other people all referring to me cheating on Jack.

When Marta had said all she had to say, I told her I needed to go, but thanked her and promised I would talk to her later.

Cue ANGRY EYES!

For a start, how can you cheat on someone whom you are not in a relationship with? This was prompted by the photo Brian had posted of he and I. I scrolled down the comments. Jack was silent. He was not trying to contradict any of the comments posted by others. He had let people, some whose names I recognized and others I did not, make horrid remarks about me.

I did feel angry. Jack should be willing to talk. If he wasn’t, well, I just felt I could not endure this tempestuous situation in the flat like this.

So here it is, my big confession. What did I do next?

I wrote a note to Jack.  I basically wrote that if he was not willing to talk now that I was doubtful he would talk at all. So I said, I felt this was my only way of communicating with him.  I said I had heard so many rumours that week and I had reason to believe that he was involved with them.  I said I was really hurt.  I said this time last week when we had talked, I had truly believed he wanted us to be friends, but I no longer was convinced I could believe him.  And…I asked him to give me my thank you card back!

I pushed the note under his door and ran down stairs and went out to buy some milk. Jack guzzled milk, and I was always coming home to find no milk in the fridge. I had just used the last drops in the tea I had made. Jack had this hilarious habit of opening the fridge to find no milk and yelling “Where is Mel, she has forgotten to buy milk!” I was always buying milk. I hardly drank any, just a tiny drop in a cup of tea, because I am slightly intolerant to dairy (although I love cheese, it does not like me). There was a shop at the end of the road, but I thought it might have closed at 5pm as it was Sunday. So instead I walked to the local petrol station to buy milk.

I dreaded walking back into the flat. During the walk, I had suddenly realized that asking for my thank you card back was a bit much. Perhaps I had a right to express my feelings about everything, but why had I asked for my thank you card back?

When I crept into our flat and silently made my way into the kitchen to put the milk in the fridge and then returned to my room. There was the thank you card sitting on my desk.

I felt pain and horror gush into my heart as if I had been stabbed. I knew what I had done was wrong. I could only begin to imagine how hurt and angry Jack must be.

You know I am going to make another confession. I sometimes forget men have feelings. I presume I can count on their mental and emotional stability. They are always pretending they don’t care, that they are indifferent, that they can’t be offended, that they think women are daft for becoming emotional. But it is a myth. Men truly do have feelings. Their hearts can bleed terribly. A woman can really hurt a man!

I had hurt Jack. I knew it. I sat there sobbing as I had never sobbed before. I had hurt the man I loved. I no longer really cared what Jack may or may not have said or done.

Something awful happened later that evening…and half of it is sitting waiting in my drafts folder for me to have the energy to finish. I will get to it at some point, and then we will put Jack back in the box for a while until I am ready to let him out again. After sharing what happened between Jack and I that night, I need to rest.

• Would You Like A Cup Of Tea?
• What Happened After That Cup Of Tea?
• What Did Suzie Have To Say About It?
• What Did Marta Have To Say About It?
• What Did Ella Have To Say About It?
• What Did His Friends Have To Say About It?
• Something Was Brewing… And It Certainly Was Not Another Cup Of Tea!
• Would There Be Another Cup Of Tea?
• It Gets Very Hot In The Kitchen
• What Did Jack Have To Say About It?
• Nobody Else Really Understood

https://fivedotoh.com/2018/09/10/fowc-with-fandango-stability/

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2018/09/10/tempestuous/

A Nappy Day (Not That Kind Of Nappy)

Today did not go according to plan. I was supposed to be working with Jack again. However, I was not well yesterday. So he told me to rest.

I know he was right, but it made me so sad to have to stay at home all alone. I sent Goldfinch a message and received a lovely reply. I also sent some emails to my family and friends. I tried to do some work for on the Personnel database I look after (volunteers). But I had to give up. I started out with an upset tummy, I ended up with a headache that was running all the way down the side of my head and into my neck.

I keep napping, drinking water, taking painkillers and trying to do some more work, but the screen is no good for my head. I am going to have to just close the laptop and say goodnight.

If I feel better tomorrow, I have a big day planned in North London. Lots of work to do. I just want to be with Jack.

I also want to clean my kitchen. I cleaned the rest of my little flat last night, but I was too tired to clean the kitchen and I could not face it today. Hopefully a good night’s sleep will help this head of mine get better.

It’s A Right Thumper!

I am in a bad way today. Major headache alert!!!

I cannot shift this pain despite taking ibuprofen and having plenty of water. I have tried to be gentle with myself. I have done lots of ironing and some cleaning. But several times I have had to go and lie down on my bed because the pain is making me feel so ill.

I only mention this because I usually make some time on Sundays to catch up with replying to the lovely comments that have left on the posts that were scheduled while I was at work this week.

I am just finding it hard to think straight with this head thumping away. I will get there in the end!

This one is not so much a sweet little headache, it is more of a bullying brute!

My Heart Was Bruised By A Dream

Why do we do this to ourselves?

Why do I do this to myself?

I dreamt of you. The reality swept over me that it was just a dream and it broke my heart.

There you were, there you were, walking towards me, your arms held out. I felt your embrace. Your head leaning against mine, your arms clinging to me. It felt as if you would never let go. You whispered into my ear that you had been a fool. You told me you wanted to take me home and that we would be together.

Your voice spoke those elusive words. You said aloud “I love you” as if it hurt you to admit it. But you meant it. Your heart beating with the knowledge that you had given in to love though you tried to resist it all this time. You spoke of the agony of the separation. The longing for someone who adores you and always seeks to lift your spirits. The awareness that nobody else has ever gone to so much trouble for you, put up with so much boorishness from you, endured so much discouragement from you.

You tried to take the sweetness I offered and tell me to my face that love is not real and that I was overly sentimental. You tried to tell me that it is impossible for you to love, that you have no wish to be attached to a woman, that you want to be free to see any woman you choose for casual connections.

But there you were. You had sought me out. You had travelled over mountain ranges and deserts to reach me. You gathered me into your arms and told me you cannot go on without me, that you need me. You begged me to come home with you and live life with you, by your side, hand in hand.

I could hardly believe the words I was hearing.

Then I woke up. The dream was falling away from my eyes, collapsing into the abyss of the night, I reached out for it desperately, but it was too late…it was gone. The cold morning sunlight had torched it into a fading smoke.

It was such a beautiful dream. It was the sum of all my inner longings, my whispered pleadings, my pent up frustrations, my fondest fantasies, my deepest desires, my silent prayers. It was such a beautiful meaningful dream. It was torture to realize that my deepest feelings had woven a nighttime fantasy and to realize in the process of waking that it was all a mirage, a figment of my imagination…and now it is all over.

My heart is bruised by a dream.

 

 

It Just Went Pop!

A few days ago I seemed to dislocate my knee. I was bending at a funny angle to put a very heavy casserole dish in a drawer…and my knee just kind of popped out to the side. It felt weird, kind of painful, but by no means agonising.

Anyway…that night, it was painful even when I was horizontal in my bed. The next morning the pain seemed to have faded and I could walk as normal. But bending my knee was painful. Anyway, it has been five days now…and my knee keeps popping again.

I have been told to go to see my GP, but I am working right up until I go away, so I won’t have chance to. Someone told me that I need a practitioner to manipulate my knee. I am normally wary of manipulators, manipulation, someone manipulating me, but in this case, it sounds wonderful.

You Make Me Numb

It’s time to reach for your hankies, and make sure you have some comfort food at the ready. Today might be a rather emotional day with the theme for this week’s SONG-LYRIC-SUNDAY!

Jim Adams, aka Newepicauthor, the creator of A Unique Title For Me, is hosting SONG-LYRIC-SUNDAY and this week he has chosen the theme HURT/PAIN/AGONY/SUFFER.

The song I have chosen today, does not specifically use any any of the words in Jim’s chosen theme – but it certainly is about hurt, pain, agony and suffering within a relationship. The kind that comes when feeling betrayed, used and forsaken. The video, that paints a very vivid story to go along with this song, gives you an idea of a someone who cares not for any kind of loyalty and exclusivity.

I think it is fabulous. It is very dramatic, so I try not to listen to it too often. But whenever I do, I still feel this was a fantastic musical creation by the immensely talented Veronicas. (Did I mention this duo are Australian?) If you have never heard this song before…let me warn you…the music starts at 40 seconds…and the incredible chorus starts at 1 minute 40 seconds. But it is worth your patience, this is a beautiful masterpiece, and encapsulates the hurt someone you love can inflict on you exquisitely – you won’t regret giving your attention to this one!

Wait until you see what happens to the guy at the end of the video!

Job well done
Standing ovation
Yeah you got what you wanted
I guess you won
And I don’t want to hear, they don’t know you like I do
Even I could’ve told you
But now we’re done’

Cause you play me like a symphony
Play me till your fingers bleed
I’m your greatest masterpiece
You ruin me
Later when the curtains drawn
And no one’s there for you back home
Don’t cry to me, you played me wrong
You ruin me

I know you thought
That I wouldn’t notice
You were acting so strange
I’m not that dumb
And in the end I hope she was worth it
I don’t care if you loved me, you make me numb

 

‘Cause you play me like a symphony
Play me till your fingers bleed
I’m your greatest masterpiece
You ruin me
Later when the curtains drawn
And no one’s there for you back home
Don’t cry to me, you played me wrong
You ruin me

We’re that song you wouldn’t sing
Just a broken melody
You’re killing me

You play me like a symphony
Play me till your fingers bleed
I’m your greatest masterpiece
You ruin me
Later when the curtains drawn
And no one’s there for you back home
Don’t cry to me you played me wrong
You ruin me

Written by: Anthony Egizii, David Musumeci, Lisa Origliasso and Jessica Origliasso

There Could Be Trouble Ahead

I have had to take pain killers all day today. Normally it is only in the morning when I take them. Yet the pain killers have not covered the pain. It’s been intense and all in one area rather than darting around.

There were a couple of times when I just sat on the floor and put my legs in that A position they teach you in first aid because the pain in my head was overwhelming and my chest was tightening and I was having to concentrate on breathing deep breaths.

I have been trying to take it slowly today. I had work to do, but I moved slowly. Yet I have had the typical nausea, dizziness, chest pains and irregular breathing and gasping for breath that tell me I should ring my GP, or if it’s any worse overnight, ring a friend and ask them to take me to hospital.

Hopefully after a good night’s sleep, things will settle down! I don’t want to work myself up and become anxious. But especially now…I am aware that I need to look after this body, especially now, it is important to look after this body!

I know a lot of you have to deal with pain due to various conditions. Do you start to worry like I do that this might be it – and start texting your family and friends to let them know that you love them??

That might sound ridiculous to someone who does not know overpowering pain, but honestly it is frightening. I have been sitting up in bed calmly for about an hour with my legs raised because when I lie down the pain in my head becomes so much worse. But I am tired…I need to sleep. I am wondering if I might just prop myself up with all the pillows and the cushions from the sofa and hopefully I will nod off while I am sat up.

Let’s not worry, not be anxious…let’s just make sure everyone knows I love them and hope I nod off soon!!! Ha ha! My sister Mandy can have my dresses and Milly can have my coats. My friend Louise wants my black suede boots from Jones (the bootmakers). My Scarpa walking boots are almost new – make sure someone takes them because they are great boots. Goldfinch can have anything he wants!!! I can’t think of anything he would want though! Still…if there was anything.

I Cannot Compete With A One Year Old Child Who Can Walk Over Hot Coals

For the first time this summer I was at the beach today!  This is something my sister plans to correct this week so we have more days at the seaside planned.  Normally we are walking up mountains when I visit my sister, but partly because of the glorious weather and partly because of the addition to her little family, we are not being so ambitious about fell-walking right now.  I will be squeezing some walking in to the trip though.  You can’t really visit Snowdonia without paying your respects at some point to the hills!

Back to the beach though:

Empty beach, looks perfect.  Little One was so excited!

As we stepped on to the beach though and my feet started to sink into what at first I though was sand, I realized it was more of a stony beach – a  mix of larger pebbles and tiny sharp gritty stones.  New sandals had to come off immediately as the stones would have scraped all of the rose gold from the leather straps.

So that left me and Milly walking bear feet and as Little One had shoes and socks on and her feet were also sinking into the stones, we allowed her to be bare footed also.  She loves walking.  She is so fast.  We were trying to keep tight hold of her which frustrated her in her excitement to get down to the water.

But this beach was not for the faint footed at all.  Warning: another feet photo ahead:

All complaints about my feet can be forwarded directly to   Stephen T the creator of Armageddon Cafe.  Stephen is now Official Visual Feet Complaints Handler.  He set the standard when he was brave enough to publish a photo of his own fine feet for the whole blogging world to see in his post below:

https://revelationsend.wordpress.com/2018/07/02/simple-things/

Now, I found walking on that beach excruciating, it just would have been more painful to ruin my beautiful sandals.  First there was the heat as the stones were baking hot with the sun’s scorching heat.  Then there was the sharp gritty material.  It was beyond any degree of beneficial exfoliating – it was torture!  I had to go slow!  I was gently nudging my feet into the stones so they were not on the hot surface but cooler stones below and then let the pressure of my body lean apply slowly so that I was not in too much pain.

But Little One!  Oh my goodness, her feet be made of steel or marble.  She was not bothered in the slightest either by the heat or the sharp stones, she was running and jumping and bending down and picking up handfuls of stones to collect.

I cannot comprehend how tough her feet  seem to be.  She was loving every moment and I was in agony all the way down to the sea.  I have a niece who could join the circus as a “Walking Over Hot Coals” act – do they have those in the circus?  It is so long since I went to the circus, I really am not sure.

The sea water was gorgeous.  A little cool to refresh us, but not at all cold.  Little One loved it!!!  She was so excited every time a wave came in towards us.  Squealing with delight as the water rushed over her toes.

I feel a bit teary eyed that I am based in London so far away from Milly and her lovely family.  I would love to be around to see Little One growing up.

Aaaaaah sigh!