I am listening to what family and friends say about my future. I am making sure Goldfinch is involved also with any decisions.
Everyone who knows me knows I love to love. I look for opportunities with my family and friends to make their day, bring them a smile, a ray of sunshine. Everyone knows I hate being single and having to deal with unwelcome flirting and attention.
So they know that at some point I am going to yearn to be in a close relationship with a man who loves me and can provide the much needed hugs after a long tiring day and take long walks in the countryside holding my hand tight. They know I like to spoil a man with my cooking and baking and think of all sorts of little ways I can be a blessing and a bonus to that man. But it has to be a man I genuinely like and respect. It is completely natural for anyone of us to want that. I have extra reasons now to think about what kind of a man would be prepared to accept me in my current situation.
But as I am sure as many will testify is true, them there fish in that sea out there – there are some scary fish swimming around! And although I am referring to men, I imagine that it can be very scary for men as well. There are some monstrous women out there – I know!
I know you know what I am talking about! The scariest are the ones that seem to be decent at first, and you fall for them – hook, line and sinker – in your nieveity, and then they turn out to be monsters. Diving into the sea, with plenty of fish, it is a really scary thing to do.
Right now, I am receiving text messages from two different male friends who both seem intent on putting all sorts of ideas in my head of how they would like me to be spending the weekend. It’s frightening – the moment some men know you are single, they feel they can make any kind of suggestive suggestion to you. Scary!
I texted one back saying “only a month since I said goodbye to one of the loveliest men on the planet – sooooooo not ready for a piranha”. He seemed to think I was being good-humoured, (I suppose I could have made it much clearer) apparently he thought being called a piranha was some sort of compliment. Piranhas might look pretty enough from the outside, but their focus is on gratifying their own hunger. They are probably going to devour you!!!
Well, it’s alright for a man to express his interest. But I think I am a bit sensitive to the way that is done. I don’t want to resort to informing or reminding male friends that I have been a victim to a traumatic crime, that will naturally make me wary of anyone who is putting emphasis on their interest being physical.
I don’t know – of course it’s alright for a man to express their interest. But you kind of get a feel for someone by the way they communicate. If they are not capable of forming a text message that makes you feel nice, but in a respectful way, what are they going to be like on a date? I don’t think I want to risk putting myself in a position where I am likely to freak out and storm out on them.
Besides…as I have said many a time before – it is way way too soon. It still makes me feel sick to think of holding hands with any other man other than Goldfinch. I am not ready. But I might be ready to chat via texts or calls with a man capable of being lovely, with a view to slowly slowly building up a rapport. So long as he lets me talk about my feelings for Goldfinch. That way a bond would build up slowly slowly. I would feel drawn to such a wonderfully large-eared man. I am much more likely to find that at a later date when we go out for a coffee or walking in the park, that I might feel comfortable with him taking my hand into his.
I am just so very frightened at the thought of it. I am literally terrified nowadays that a man might become obsessive, or demanding, or try to push me or pressure me to agree. I don’t enjoy anyone who seems to be capable of degrading women, even talking about their encounters with other women in a way that humiliates them. It makes me feel sick. Anger and disgust brew inside of me. I am terrified of men who cannot take no for an answer. Who resort to expressing their hurt over being rejected by using social media to completely belittle someone. It is a scary world. People can seem so lovely, but when they are cross, they can lose control over their feelings and strike out at you using the internet. I have a huge fear of the way someone can use social media to strike out at someone.
I am like a shy little fish who is very wary. I don’t want to be eaten alive! I think I have good reasons to be nervous. I endured two years of seeing horrible horrible comments made about me on social media sites. People said things that were completely false and very unkind. Even if they had been true, they would have been a complete invasion of privacy. Then in my distraught state of mind, I forgot about my own personal safety and was in a park late at night on my own. I woke up in an ambulance the following morning. After enduring all that, I have every reason to be nervous and cautious.
There is one male friend, well…more a friend of a friend, who I can tell is kind of sweet on me, but he is holding back I think. He sends me one message a day though. His messages are normal, and nice. He has not said anything inappropriate. He did say he would like to go for a coffee with me some time. I said I would like to. He is going on holiday next week so I probably won’t hear from him. But we have set a date to go for coffee in February. He is a little bit – how can I put this? “cuddly” not overly, in fact it makes me feel more attractive – which is not a bad thing. Goldfinch was so gorgeous, I felt unworthy of him. But this guy seems nice, he seems genuine. He likes music (as do I), he loves animals (adorable) and he likes reading, he loves history. He is a down to earth hard working man. He seems wonderfully normal. There is something about him that makes me feel safe – which I have realized is more important to me than looks or pretty much anything else.
If a man can convince me I am physically and emotionally safe with him – I am a woman who absolutely loves to love. But I can’t explain the fear of all the possibilities that may jeopardise my ability to trust men. My heart was pretty bruised and battered after everything that happened with Jack. Goldfinch helped my heart glow warm and grow strong again. Goldfinch has built up that sense of trust and stemmed my fears. I think it might only take one bad experience with a man, for me to lock myself away from the possibility of any future romance.
I am just hoping that eventually one of them there fish in the sea turns out to be not so scary, but actually really nice. Sometimes that seems like an impossible task (sorry to all male readers – I am sure many of you are quite lovely, but you must know what I mean). One day, there will be a fish who will come swimming along and …
***
I loved reading through this post again – but who would have thought that I would end up with Jack!!! Life is full of spectacular surprises!!!!!!!!
I met Goldfinch last October, and it was a very very quick decision I made that I was going to like him. When a man who is a complete stranger is friendly with you, you have to decide as a woman (and vice versa) and make a snap decision whether to run to the nearest security guard or police officer…or whether to give him a chance to show himself as decent. My “creep detector” is extremely sensitive! (I don’t have to spell it out that this photo is not Goldfinch – do I?) In fact I don’t like strangers flirting with me at all now. Looking back, it could have gone terribly wrong with Goldfinch. I am very glad that my snap decision was in his favour…it was not long until we were walking along hand in hand…and we are still walking along hand in hand months later. Apologies for being overly mushy!
don’t already know and trust…especially in the context of a man trying to be friendly enough to make me start batting my eye-lashes and lavishing my smiles upon him.
allowed to develop at the start of a relationship. I have learnt after oh so many bad experiences that it does not go down well to start firing questions intensely. Even if it seems very important to find out if a man wants to have children or build a castle with you, how much debt he is tied to, how many ex-wives or romances he has accrued…it makes the steadiest man nervous to receive that kind of interrogation too early on. Of course I want to know all this, but you have to be patient and subtle in broaching these subjects. I have treated too many men in the same way as Lord Sugar grills his candidates on the BBC’s “The Apprentice“! One young man actually told me directly he thought I was super but my probing questions terrified him and made him want to run a mile.
I was worried about how he would react. He was fine. It can’t be easy for a man who hears that a woman he is getting to know has been through a horrific experience with a man. What I love about Goldfinch is that he has taken it in his stride. He won’t let it hang like a cloud over our relationship. He knows at times it might come back into my mind, and he is always sensitive to my feelings. He has listened to me when I have needed to express myself and he has stroked my hand and held me close. But he is also very constructive, he gives me great advice on moving forward and not letting the event dominate my life.
It seems as if you are expected to just except the James Bond-ishness of a man in his forties. That’s why I started calling him Goldfinger. However, I have never seen a single James Bond movie in my life…so I mistakenly assumed James Bond was Goldfinger! Whereas, the actual Goldfinger was, well…
As mentioned in another post, I even met him at Heathrow Arrivals with a sign that I had made which said Goldfinger. I later realized that my epitaph was not greatly flattering, so I dropped it!
I was ravenous for more and more of him though. I wanted him to tell me about every day of his life since he was a tiny child. I was never going to have enough time with him to hear everything. My fascination and curiosity has never diminished. It’s one thing I am regretting, I truly wish I had spent more time with him to hear more and more about him and all the pages of his life.
I am convinced that Goldfinch is going to be an abysmal penpal! I think I have lost my chance to know him inside out. I still have a very golden view of him, and I doubt that shine on my memories will ever fade. Goldfinch is always going to be a golden boy to me – the man with the golden touch who came into my life, dazzled me, and then was gone.
I think I am less patient than I was in my youth…when it comes to men that is. Forgive me, I should not generalize. But I have had an odd experience recently and I am still rather provoked. I am not seeking to make men in general feel awkward, just to relate a situation that has left me perplexed.
One of the reasons I like Goldfinch so much is that he did not mess around. He knew what he wanted (me) and he went for it. Not in a scary way! I would have recoiled if he had in anyway been pushy. But he made it clear he had warmed to me and he also told me he was in England for just a short time.
I had an e-mail recently from a man I went on a couple of dates with this year – let’s call him Matthew. I had not heard from him for a while, but neither had I been in touch with him. I thought we had both just decided it was not going to work out and had naturally stopped communicating. His e-mail baffled me. He seemed to think we were still a “we” or an “us”. He sent me a lovely message explaining his thoughts and feelings over the past few weeks.
I was shocked. It was unexpected. All this time I thought he had lost interest in me (which I was pleased about) and it turns that is far from the case. I e-mailed him back to explain I did think he had lost interest and I was alright with that. I told him I enjoyed the time we spent together. But I explained that a lot has happened (he has no idea about my little apricot) and that I had been in touch with Goldfinch a lot, leading me to decide I wanted to go out to visit him.
I feel a bit bad. But not a lot bad. Goldfinch has always been so straightforward and clear. Goldfinch has not left me baffled and bewildered. Matthew is a nice guy really. Terrible on dates! Of course those two dates were not helped by me having morning sickness. I could tell he was just awkward. He made the mistake of making some rather lewd comments, which tells me he is not used to women (or at least normal women). But the seven week silence was something I thought indicated he was not thinking of me at all.
My personal view of the world is that if you like someone, you probably should tell them. And it is a risk, because they might not be pleased with that. The worst case scenario is that they are so displeased with you liking them that they behave badly by mocking you and shunning you. But only brutish cold-hearted people do things like that and you should count your blessings for an escape!
If you like someone, find a way to tell them without terrifying them, no stalking them, either physically or online, don’t become obsessed with them before you are even on friendly terms. And nowadays you have to be a bit careful with flirting, especially any physical contact (and this is very important of you know this person through work) because people can start thinking they are being harassed.
I know for some people it can be hard to find the words, and they are so unpolished they can make themselves sound creepy…but keep it simple…something along the lines of, you like their company, they always cheer you up, you like chatting to them, do they want to go for a drink. Don’t be too intense. Be prepared for a no. I have often said no, more because I was so tired, I couldn’t face the idea of making an effort with someone who I felt I hardly knew and had little connection with – it usually had nothing to do with who was asking me. But I was flattered and I didn’t forget, and I always made an extra effort to smile at whoever was asking me out when I saw them in the future.
Why has he stayed silent all this time? While fostering fond feelings for me? I hope he is alright. But him staying silent gave me a carte blanche to think he had lost interest, and I was not to worry about the fact that I had not been able to cultivate any interest in him. His silence made me feel more and more certain that I wanted to save all my money so I could get myself to Australia and see Goldfinch.
How would he take it if I admit that I don’t want to develop a close friendship with another man yet? However, I would love, absolutely love to go to a party and have a dance! Will he be alright with that?
I mean maybe the two of us were a bit of an extreme example. Moi – truly trying to eat sensibly, so because of the rest of my shopping basket being so virtuous I could hold my head up in good conscience with the bottle of red in the middle. (Though I had stacked my salad on top of it.) Man – looking as if he cares not about the shape of his body and his health. There we were, side by side, the righteous and the unrighteous of shoppers!
There is a difference between man shopping and woman shopping isn’t there? I must be careful what I say now. I am sure there are many responsible men out there capable of a well-rounded shop. I am going to relate to you one or two real-life experiences of shopping that mean I would not trust every man with my weekly food shopping. I remember times when we were a bit gobsmacked when we trusted a man to go shopping on his own.
Well there was a big sack of potatoes in the cupboard. But half of them were inedible. We sorted through them and washed peeled and sliced all the decent ones. We also found lots of kidney beans and tinned tomatoes and spices. So, we improvised a sort of chilli with all this. We all scraped some money together and sent the boys out shopping for drinks and other food. We were hoping they would bring back some useful food. When they returned they had spent the entire amount on beer and crisps. The twelve guests were scratching their heads about the strange chilli and mashed potatoe we served them. But the boys in our group thought it was great. The females of our party were red-faced. But the lads had no idea why we were making a fuss. To be fair – I think us girls were truly shattered after the skiing. We were not overly happy to be told twelve guests were coming and we had to cook for 23 for no other reason than that we were female.
My friend told me that just after he and his wife married, she sent him shopping with a list thinking nothing could go wrong. He was puzzled by her wanting 100 rolls though and wondered if she had decided they would have a BBQ and had not told him. So, he came home with 100 bread rolls. She was shocked. She said, “loo rolls”.
Then we would put everything in the suitcase. She didn’t like her neighbours to see her shopping so when we arrived back she would walk along with her squeaky little walking frame and I would pull the suitcase slowly trying to make sure no bottles clashed. It was hilarious really.
For the past few years my family and friends (friends who have been loyal to me and were never fond of him anyway), have been telling me what they think of him…what they think I should think of him. It is other people that labelled him a bully and forced me to take a sober look at what he was doing. I can see what he has done was wrong. I can see I was bullied – taunted by hundreds, cruel jokes and rumours spread by thousands, perhaps more. Yes, I admit, he caused me trouble on a scale I have never had to deal with before.
There we go, I am going to spread it out like butter on hot toast, right to every crust edge and into the corners and let it soak in: I LOVE HIM!
Since then, I have had a problem. My heart has pretty much been beating for him ever since. He is both the best thing and the very worst thing that ever happened to me. The one I’ll never forget.
that my heart knows he is leaving. He is going home. Goldfinch is going to fly away home. Yes, I will miss him profoundly, but I will forget Goldfinch, eventually. I won’t ever forget my ex-flatmate. Goldfinch is not trying to make me love him more than any other man. Which is a good thing, because he would fail.
How complicated can it be?…he just needs to convey something that appears like sorrow for what happened between he and I. I would have been content with a little scrap note or a text message, saying “SORRY”. I am not expecting an elaborate explanation and in no way do I hold him responsible for what happened to me in the park. I think all possibilities of a romance have long ago been blown to smithereens. It is completely beside the point that he is the only man I have ever thought I could be married to.
surges of love and adoration was bound to produce a drastic effect. I took half of my savings out of my bank account and stuffed it into an envelope. I wrote a card and disguised my hand-writing, the message was not too emotional – it said something like “Well done – proud of you!” and I signed it G.L.H. Which are not my initials – they those letters do stand for something but I did not think he would remember. In fact, I was counting on it. If he knew the money was from me, I don’t think he would have been able to accept it. It was a stupid thing to do really. He does not need my money, but I would give the other half of my savings gladly, and everything I owned to feel at peace with him.
I know his faults, goodness, I lived with him and he was hard work! I know he is a noisy, messy pup. I know he seems to believe in the magic bin fairy. But life has never been the same since I moved out of that flat. To clean up after a man who is rude to you and to still love him…aaaah – I would give anything to be able to wash his dishes again!
Caramel 