Tag Archives: marriage

I Want A Marriage Not A Wedding

When Jack asked me to marry him – I knew I was saying “yes” for all the right reasons. I want to be part of team Jackamel….or… Carajack. I want to be at the side of this man forever. I want to live with him, work with him, sleep with him. Mutual support, comfort and loyalty. I want to give give give with all my heart to him.

Bride, Woman, Marriage, Dress, Wedding, People, Girl

What I have always struggled with the idea of is our wedding. If we could just sign a legal contract I would be so pleased. But there is more than that to a wedding.

Whether I like it or not it is a family event. I love my family and of course I would want to share it with them. But I have a lot of relatives. Jack and I have a lot of friends and colleagues who I know are expecting for an invitation to our wedding.

I said yes to marrying Jack because I want the rest of my life to be with him. I did not say yes to him because I want a big wedding. In fact, I am starting to feel overwhelmed by the idea of a wedding. The Pandemic as postponed the issue for me, but now that lots of social distancing restrictions have lifted, people keep asking me when our wedding will be. There is no date. Jack has suggested a month in 2022, but I told him I was happy to wait for things to settle Pandemic-wise before we started making bookings.

I would have eloped with Jack the moment he asked me to marry him. I would have happily married him during the past eighteen months with a maximum of six people, (which I think would have included us, the minister, the registrar and two witnesses) only Jack was not keen on that at all.

It’s all on ice still. But I love Jack. I will be his wife, even though if I have to go through the torture of a wedding. I want a marriage with the man I love…and if I have to go through the wedding day part of it, I will.

Jack And Me Versus The World

It’s all very exciting – planning for a wedding. Jack is very keen to discuss the kind of wedding we want (which I keep pointing out is something we may not have a free choice about because of social distancing restrictions). He is going away on Monday and will be with his parents, and his sister and her family all week (23rd-27th December three households are allowed to meet) whilst I head off to see my parents and some of my family.

Jack wants to tell his mum and sister about what we are planning for the wedding. He keeps asking me my preferences, what, where, who, how, when – I don’t think I am giving him enough. I keep saying, “I really don’t mind, I am just so happy, I don’t mind at all.” Although that is absolutely genuinely true, I know what I don’t want. I don’t want an Elvis impersonator to marry us. I don’t want an ostentations wedding. I don’t want to waste money on silly trivialities. I would like it to feel classy though.

I don’t really want photos of our wedding leaking out onto the internet, but I don’t want to make a big issue out of it. I don’t want to get married in a church with false idols and Babylonish symbols. I don’t want anyone to be drunk at our wedding reception.

So I know what I don’t want. But what do I want. Aaaaah – sigh – just Jack. I want Jack to be there. I would love my parents and Milly to be there. I would like Jack’s parents and his sister to be there. If we were to marry soon there would be a strict limit to the number we were allowed in attendance. But if we marry later, those restrictions may be limited. It would be much harder to choose a guest list then.

I don’t mind about a lot of things. I don’t have many thoughts on the kind of dress I want. I guess I want a dress that suits me, but that means trying on a bunch of dresses to find the right style. My hair – I will leave that to the experts. I have no clue what to do with my hair anymore. It is so long right now.

I just want to be with Jack – him and me versus the world now!

Getting Engaged During A Pandemic

I feel a little bit odd. I just made a huge decision, one of the biggest decisions of my life, and yet I don’t feel as if anything has changed. I feel a little bit lost.

Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I want to see my mum. I want to see Mum and Dad and the rest of my family. I want to see my closest friends. But I do not want to put anyone at risk obviously.

I have spoken to lots of my nearest and dearest on the phone these past few weeks. But I have not seen them. I have been going into work, taking off my ring and locking it safely away in my locker, before donning PPE. I like my workmates, but I share very little of my personal life with them.

That has become my habit since the trauma I faced years ago. I find that even when I share a little with someone who does not understand my life before the attack, they misunderstand, they say things that don’t fit my situation. So I put on a front to satisfy them.

I am going to get married to a well known celebrity. Bizarre in some ways, and yet 2020 has made it completely taken the fear out of my precarious situation.

Anyway….it is all fine. The center of my world is Jack. He is the one I am focusing on above all else. We’ve been talking about when and where our wedding will be but it seems impossible to plan right now. I spend as much time with him as I can outside of work. He has been wonderful, wonderful, in so many ways. I am happy. I would just like this to feel more real.

Perhaps I am wrong, but I feel as if seeing my loved ones would make it more real.

Something New Something Blue

People, Girl, Female, Alone, Fashion, Clothing, Model

I know I have been struggling to keep up with WordPress recently – but a lot has been happening! A lot!!! Jack and I have had news to share with family and friends – mostly on his Zoom software.

Days race by, weeks race by….it does not seem all that long ago when Jack and I were secretly meeting up to talk about our regrets over the past (simply to avoid any pressure that could affect us adversely) and now we are excitedly planning our future together.

It’s amazing really. I have had a lot of joy in me and a few tears of joy. But I am happy, truly happy – still amazed! Still pinching myself in amazement. But it’s beautiful. It’s a beautiful bewildering breathtaking love story that conquered against all odds!

Ownership And Independence

I don’t get it. I really don’t.

pads.jpgI was born in the eighties. This was a decade famous for shoulder pads, electro-pop and feminism amongst other things. I am aware that in many lands, women have hardly any rights and suffer abysmal treatment. That is horrid. But in the western world, there is a different situation.

I try not to get involved in any discussions about equality in the western world, because it all becomes rather confusing. I hear demands for equality in everything, at the same time as demands for respect for people’s right to be different. Yet different is not supposed to be different any more, it is supposed to be normal. I generally just try not to be drawn into debates that are too complicated and controversial.

Everyone is asking for respect and fair treatment. In itself, that seems a perfectly reasonable request. Some of the specifics as to how people want that seem a bit dubious at times.

peaceI have seen from my travels to other lands, how different it can be for women in other cultures. That has helped me to appreciate the relative independence I have here in England.

When it comes to men and women in any culture, I am interested in beautiful qualities like love, kindness, mildness, humility, generosity, unselfishness – no matter who a person is, where they come from, how they dress. I am on the lookout for something about them that makes them appealing, endearing, attractive as human beings.

But all these changes in the world, the changes in attitude and outlook has somehow made it less likely to achieve what I grew up thinking would come naturally.

ideal.jpgI grew up thinking that one day I would belong to a man. I just thought it would happen almost effortlessly. In my mind, I thought he would be a farmer, and I would be a farmer’s wife. I still don’t get why the world doesn’t work that way anymore.

Now, as I grew older, I realize that just being married is not necessarily a good thing. You could be miserable. It means a lot that as a woman in the western world I have choice over who I wed. I have turned down two insensible and ill-timed marriage proposals – and for good reasons. I also ended a courtship with a fine young man (my best friend and I courted for years, but I ended it when I was around twenty-four/five) because I realized that I was miserable with him.

ideals.jpgHowever, I am in no way against marriage. Quite the opposite. I would be happy to feel I really belonged to someone. I have no objection to the traditional stereotypes – I have been a housekeeper for many clients, why wouldn’t I do all those tasks for the man I love?

In fact, when I was in Australia, I said to my gorgeous friend that if he ever decided to settle down with someone, he should make sure she knows how to look after his beautiful house properly. He looked baffled when I said that. He basically said he wouldn’t expect any woman to do that, but he would hire a cleaner. That baffled me. Is it because I grew up expected to perform household chores throughout my childhood, that I see it as part of the responsibility of life that you clean and tidy your own home? Unless you are physically unable to?

Well, the fact that people to hire a cleaner rather than doing their own housework has kept me with an easy way to earn my bread and butter. Did you know I earn a minimum of £15 per hour housekeeping in London? One client pays me £20 per hour. I can earn much more gardening or painting/decorating.

workRight now I have a great deal of independence, over how I spend my time, my energy, my money. But I crave to have someone as my master, or my head. Someone to respect and obey. I would love to work along with him, to make his decisions successful and to make things pleasant for him.

I know there are a lot of men out there who I would run a million miles away from! I would never choose them as my head. But when a man comes along, who you admire and respect and trust – those feelings of wanting to be his, wanting to give up some of your independence in order to become part of a team with him, become stronger.

ideals1.pngThere are a lot of things I don’t really get about the modern world. One of them is the issues around ownership and independence. I guess everyone is different. Some people have had terrible experiences that would understandably make them feel an aversion of being dominated by someone abusive. But like the rest of the women in my family, I have no objection to being an amazing housekeeper, amongst other things, for a man I have agreed to have as my head. But we have many happy marriages and thriving families within our family. Loving and supportive couples who make marriage look awesome.

I would have loved to marry Goldfinch. But he didn’t ask. At the moment, I feel myself wanting to be the woman who works alongside Jack to make everything he does even more successful, and to help his life to run more smoothly and be less stressful. The thought of it makes me deeply happy.

Lessons In Love From All Directions

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Here is a depressing thought…Anna Karenina! However, this is what I thought when I saw this picture prompt from The Haunted Wordsmith.

Many years ago, I read Leo Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina…perhaps I was too young. I found parts of it interesting, I was fascinated by “Kostya” (Konstantin Lëvin) and read the pages detailing his mind’s journey avidly. I don’t to detract from Leo Tolstoy’s epic accomplishments.

However, reading about Anna depressed me. It didn’t seem like a love story at all, but a tale of how someone descends down the road to despair. I became truly deeply morose to the point I could not face what was happening to her. She seemed so utterly lost.

I think I preferred reading “War And Peace” very much more than Anna Karenina. I did not feel myself sinking so deeply into misery. Although, I read it a couple of years after I read Anna Karenina, so perhaps that was something to do with being a bit older.

There are many classic books I could read over and over again, but I don’t think I will ever be able to face Anna Karenina again, I don’t want to make myself miserable.

Although romantic love can be a very intense feeling and can lead one to the most dramatic decisions and displays…I have always felt that there is a borderline between love that energizes you and inspires you, and the type of love where you have lost all perspective and it is becoming destructive to your happiness.

Anna Karenina brought me to the conclusion not to let myself become that intense. I have never wanted to find myself trapped in a loveless marriage (I am not sure whether I mentioned I turned down two marriage proposals – one expected, one completely unexpected) because my Mumma always used to warn me that there is the potential for great happiness or great unhappiness in marriage.

However I have wanted to learn to love in a balanced, healthy, energising, inspiring, rewarding, satisfying, caring, active, practical and unselfish way. I feel as if the positive examples of my parents and other family and friends have given me an idea of what a happy loyal love can be. I feel as if my years of volunteering have helped nurture in me great capacity for caring, practical, active and unselfish love.

There are three men who have had a significant impact on me. The first was my teenage sweetheart whom I was in love with from the age of 17-24 and I thought I would marry (I will tell you about that one day). The second was my ex-neighbour, Jack. I have a lot more to tell you about Jack. The third is Goldfinch.

I am so sleepy now…I don’t know where I am going anymore with this post!!!! I started with Karenina…very sad, very depressing. And moved onto positive examples of love. I realize I have many many stories to tell you still. But they will have to wait, because I need to sleep! I can see what is going to happen if I carry on here!

 

 

 

 

 

https://thehauntedwordsmith.wordpress.com/2018/10/29/daily-writing-challenge-29/