I Have That T-Shirt

For the most part, I have made decisions I am happy with and have been pleased with the way life has turned out for me.  Of course there have been one or two calamities along the way, but on the whole life has been marvellous.

There is one decision I do regret I guess.  I mean it wasn’t horribly awful.  I am just surprised at myself for being so naive and so immature.  I don’t feel it is a mistake I will ever repeat because I don’t like to hurt myself deliberately.

waiting

You may be wondering which of my decisions I regret so much? It was developing a friendship with a man on line.  I think a lot of you might be rolling your eyes at me.  I was so daft.  After many months of daily communication, I thought he loved me.  I think I loved him.

To cut a very long story short…we arranged to meet…and he did not show up. At the time, I was crushed.  Looking back, perhaps it is a good thing. I don’t think about it too much. It was one of those foolish phases I went through. I won’t do it again. Promise!

I love a chick flick with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan when the world outside is harsh and hostile.  They make me smile.  I love their lines and characters in the movie “You’ve Got Mail”.  But it’s really odd for me to watch it, because it brings back memories of my own internet mystery man. I do wonder what ever happened to him. I would love to know why he didn’t show. But maybe it’s a good thing that I don’t know.

Yup…been there, done that, got that T-shirt!

If I Sound A Bit Confused, Maybe That’s Because I Ran Out Of Coffee Today

Another week has flown by and it is time for this week’s SHARE YOUR WORLD questions, currently being hosted by Melanie B Cee… over at sparksfromacombustiblemind as you can see in her post below:

https://sparksfromacombustiblemind.com/2018/09/24/share-your-world-9-24-18/

This week’s questions are:

Last week I asked a question about favourite beverages and the overwhelming favourite was coffee. If you drink coffee, how do you like it best?  Hot, cold, iced, with cream, with sugar or black as black? 

I have always loved the taste and aroma of coffee flavouring. (For some reason all I can think of is Tales from the mind of Kristian shaking his head and rolling his eyes in disgust!)

I think I mentioned in another post that when I was around six or seven I became a bit addicted to coffee. I was convinced that it helped me to swim faster (my sisters and I were competition swimmers).  I would have milky coffee and about six biscuits believing this was some amazing wonder-fuel.

My mother was so concerned about the amount of coffee I was drinking at a tender age that she banned me from coffee!

Also my singing teacher told me to avoid hot drinks so for at least fifteen years I didn’t have coffee or tea.

Then in my early twenties I discovered iced coffee.  Loved that… until I found out how many calories my favourite iced coffee had tucked away – scary!

When I moved to London I started waking up every day at five o’clock in the morning.  I soon found a new appreciation for very strong espresso.

When I lived with Italians, they had a great coffee machine and they were very good at making sure everyone was well caffeinated early in the morning.  I also worked with lots of Italians.  They took responsibility for making the coffee at break-time as they were less than impressed at the dishwater the rest of us called coffee!

In your opinion, what’s the greatest invention of our age?     

My opinion is probably not worth toffee…I am sure others will think of better inventions.  I am going to mention something though I realize makes a big difference to me and my loved ones:

When I think of inventions I think of things than have been designed to make life easier, or speed tasks up or even accomplish things we may never have imagined were possible. Although I am a bit of a technophobe and I am very wary of those who use it for sinister intentions…I think the internet and electronic messaging services are remarkable.

Do you realize that when my Goldfinch moves back to Australia in November…I will be able to send him an e-mail from the opposite side of the planet and it will arrive within seconds?!!

I have family members working in lands in Africa, parts of Russia, the Middle East, South East Asia and Central and South America…I can e-mail them or Skype them…and it is all for free!  Astonishing!

So despite it’s many drawbacks, (and I must admit I don’t like the crazy pace of life that everything seems to run at today) it is pretty amazing that I can communicate with someone I love who is so far away.

global.jpgIf only all the amazing tools that have been invented were only entrusted to good people who would use them to promote good things…and those who had harmful intentions were not allowed access to those tools…I don’t know, I guess it is not as simple as my mum confiscating their phone or tablet or computer until they have learnt their lesson and changed their heart.

Global warming?  Reality or myth?

I am surprised it has become such a debate.  It is of interest to me that some believe and some doubt that human activity is causing a detrimental effect to our global climate on a scale never yet seen in the course of human history.  I have heard people’s views and read articles quoting  various scientists.  Some very persuasively argue that temperatures are rising and this is effecting weather patterns and increasing the frequency and force of extreme weather conditions.  I do take the warnings about global warming seriously.

I am not sure my knowledge and understanding on a scientific level are worth adding to the multitude of words that have been published on this subject.

What registered in my mind some years ago was a verse I have read many times that says the Creator will bring to ruin those who are ruining the earth.  He will not allow it to be ruined completely.  And as far as I can see it is only in recent times that due to the scale of industrialisation, the burning of fossil fuels and the pollution of our air and water, we have reached a stage where humankind have the ability to “ruin” the earth.

So yes, I do believe that if allowed to continue at this pace, human activity could potentially ruin the cycles and forces that have regulated our planet’s climate.  Do I believe it will become so bad that human life itself will be wiped out by our own activity?  Well, I don’t believe that the Creator would tolerate that.  Nobody who had built a house and allowed tenants to live there (who started wreaking havoc on the property), would let the house be ruined beyond recovery.  Bad tenants are eventually evicted, good tenants remain. Scores of passages refer to how He will change the way this planet is governed.

Are you an explorer or more a home body?

travelerI am currently separated from my real home which is on the other side of London.  So, I kind of feel as if I am camping out here in my current accommodation (very pretty though it is). I have always loved travel.  But I long for my real home…it’s been over three years since I was there and I ache to return.

I think once I feel settled back into my own home, then my desire to explore the rest of this beautiful planet will return to me.  Until then I am reading lots of travel blogs!!  Travel bloggers produce such stunning posts.

and last:

What were you grateful for this week?

My two younger sisters came to visit me here in London at the weekend.  It was wonderful!

To sum up:

A Technophobe Who Thinks The Internet Is Super (When Used By Good Hearted Peeps)….

And Wants To Go Home So She Can Start Travelling Again….

And Who Drinks Coffee Anyway It Comes….

And Is Grateful For Her Family And Her Adorable Sisters…

And Hopes For This Earth To Be In Much Better Hands One Day

I Could Never Put Myself Through That Again

I found a journal from a few years ago.  Scary!  What would it contain?  I found a passage that caused my mind to flood with memories.  I WAS STOOD UP ONCE.  It has only every happened to me once.  But it was a bit of a shocker to me.  I wrote a passage in my journal.  I also found some paper napkins with my hand-writing all over them.  I recalled that after I had been stood up I took myself to the other side of London and went to a restaurant and then after it had closed, I went to see a movie, and then I went to a 24-hour fast food restaurant nearby.  I then travelled into the centre of London and as it was by then 5.30am I breakfasted on espresso and a croissant before I went back to my accommodation and checked my inbox.  There was an e-mail from him.  He told me how much he loved me and how much he was longing to meet me, but he needed to cancel our meeting.  I sent a quick reply saying it was a shame because I had not seen his e-mail before I had left the house so I had waited for three hours at the railway station we had decided to meet at.  After that I slept all of Sunday right through to Monday morning. When I checked there was still no answer from him.  Anyway, if you are up to reading a weepy, here is the entry from my journal after that weekend.

(It is a bit long and I am sure I repeat myself over and over.  When I have time, I think I should edit it to make it a bit easier to read.  But for anyone who likes an outpouring of heart ache, here is a chance to read the raw, uncut version before I shorten it.)

—————

Journal

I am really hoping you have not had chance to check your inbox …because I am kind of disappointed not to see a word from you.  But please know….it is only because I had been looking forward to meeting you so much and I am now finding myself confused and uncertain.  Simply because I have grown to love the man I have been receiving messages from daily for eight months. What happened does not seem consistent with you.  Or the you I thought I knew.  So, either, this past weekend was a blip…a carelessness of thought and moment of inconsiderateness or for these long months you have been trying to be something that you don’t think you can be after all.

I read my napkins from Saturday night…my oh my.  I poured out all my feelings on those napkins.  A man devouring a cheeseburger in McDonalds was watching me scribbling onto napkins and he asked me if I am a writer as he saw me scribbling away.  I told him I am not, but I like writing letters to friends.  After chatting me up he invited me to go back to his place for the kind of drink McDonalds don’t offer.  Scary!  I graciously declined.  Those napkins…maybe you would find them interesting…maybe you won’t want to see how disappointed in you I was that night.  My first thoughts were worry for your safety.  Slowly my sentimentality melted and I saw the situation in the harsh light of reality.  I believe you were deliberately not supplying me with a contact number to reach you and deliberately not calling or texting me to check if I had seen your message.  Was it your actual intention to leave me there for so long?  It made me write some stuff I regret now.  Don’t worry, there is nothing too horrific.  The worst point was when I wrote that I was starting to think you were a complete utter loser.  None of my other words were as harsh as that.  They just contained expressions of confusion and pain.

I re-read your message a couple of times just now.  It kind of hurts.  You sent it one hour before we were due to meet.  You knew I had already left home and would not have any access to my e-mails.  You knew I would have my mobile phone and I had given you my number several times to make sure nothing could go wrong.  However, I respect a man who is eager to use his head not just follow his heart.  I guess your message was kindly put.  There are parts that are not making sense to me. You still claim you want to meet me…but after eight months we make an arrangement and a “miscommunication” occurs.  If only you had made your decision, a decision I respect, before I left.  I gave you opportunity earlier in the week to bail out if you wanted.  I mean, I kind of would have preferred to receive it before I bought a new dress, new shoes and new jewellery and spent money on a gift for you…I wish you had cancelled before I left here with no contact number for you.  But for you to send an e-mail cancelling after I had left here.  I had told you that I would need you to use the mobile to contact me.  I mentioned several times, I would not have any access to my e-mails.  But you either chose not to tell me before I left, so I would go through all the unwelcome sensations of being stood up….and I am still wondering why,.maybe you just didn’t notice what I had said about not having access to my e-mails.  Never-mind.  I would love to make excuses for you.

Tell me please….your message on Saturday, when you said you wanted to cancel….was that actually saying you want to end this relationship?  Could you please make that more clear if that is the case.  Because that is the way it feels.  But I don’t know if I am jumping to a conclusion you didn’t intend.  You say you love me and want to meet me after these eight months of friendship online.  Being abandoned has left me doubtful.  Maybe I am still stinging from the pain and humiliation of waiting outside a railway station in the cold and the awareness you were not coming.

I am anxious.  I am sure you have some feelings for me.  Your words, your messages are so beautiful.  But I don’t think they are entirely consistent.  I can be gullible at times…but it is eating at me that you have chosen not to use the mobile phone number I gave you to contact me.  You could have sent a text to make sure I had received your cancellation e-mail (which I hadn’t).  Even prior to this, you don’t seem to have been keen on giving me your number.  We have talked about us both feeling safe and not taking risks.  But at this stage, it doesn’t make sense to me.  You said you were sorry for being vague about the details planned for Saturday.  I am kind of wondering if you were just playing along and had no intention of meeting me…or perhaps have been playing along for months without any serious intentions.

Maybe I am just being dim…was your decision to cancel and your message actually your way of saying you don’t want to develop this any further?  Or to end this….as in “sayonara”???  Please don’t be afraid of spelling it out to me…you are always kind and polite but if you want me to sling my hook – you might have to be a bit more blunt with me.  But telling me you love me and want me in your life is confusing me.

I don’t think that now.  As you might imagine, since Saturday night, my feelings have been up and down like a yo-yo.  I don’t think am not really bruised, just feeling as if everything is up in the air with regards to you….and I kind of would like some help from you to settle things down.  Please help me to understand.  I don’t know enough about you to be able to understand this.  Are you nervous?  Nervous of me, or nervous you might not be as confidant as you want to be?

I can’t think about making another plan to meet you.  It obviously has not been wise. Now I am wondering what on earth you want for us.  If you do want to end this….please tell me.  I had been in love with the thought of hanging out with you, either in town or on a sofa watching a movie and sharing a take-away.  Who knows what else might have developed?  This penpal relationship has been wonderful…but after the weekend I am resolute, until I hear some kind of explanation from you, I need to protect my heart.  My hopes have come crashing down in flames.

I do feel though, I am not willing to turn up at any other location in a beautiful dress. Maybe if we do make another plan to meet, I will put on a pair of jeans and a T-shirt and we can grab a coffee somewhere.

You can decide for yourself whether our contact is worth anything at all to you.

I don’t think I am the one to be making this decision.  You felt you had to cancel Saturday….so it is left to you to decide what next.

Perhaps the thought of losing the friend who has been sharing every day for eight months is frightening.  There is a large possibility we might be a bit wooden and awkward with each other at first.  Every man I have had a relationship with has not impressed me initially, but I grew to like and trust them more.  I am not worried about the two of us needing a while to feel at ease with each other.  There is going to be an odd transition between virtual and real.

I hoped I had made it clear I am not expecting an overly confidant and possibly pretentious, conceited or arrogant man.  I was hoping for someone caring, kind, humble, hard-working, sensible, with a friendly sense of humour and who wants to share some time with me….I don’t think I ever asked for a smooth-talking, stylish, cool as cucumber, thick-skinned extrovert.  I would be thrilled to be the friend of a man who knew I loved him for his being the salt of the earth.  I am not a snob…I just value kindness, humility, modesty and sincerity.

Right now I am doubting I ever really knew you my love…I don’t know what you really want.  Maybe you don’t want to think about a relationship.  Maybe you just want to remain devoted to work and looking after your home and your motor and a relationship with a woman is just an extra stress you don’t need.  I have tried to be myself, and to be very open with you and I have tried not to express my feelings about you until I was sure about them.  But at the moment….I kind of feel as if there is nothing I can do….to make you want a real life relationship with me.  Maybe you are tired of having a loyal penpal and my messages are taking up too much of your time and worry.  Or perhaps you do want or do like the idea of a relationship…but it seems as if it might involve too much effort and it is a bit overwhelming.

Well….I have made a decision.  I don’t want a fantasy relationship anymore.  I am not willing to invest in something that is either just a bit of fun, a joke, a trivial penpalship, a virtual relationship…whatever it is.  I don’t know what this is anymore.  I thought we were two people who had enjoyed getting to know each other and had started to have feelings and were believing we had fallen in love.  I don’t think I can do this anymore.  I am very sorry.  It’s not that I have anything to complain about.  I just can’t build my hopes up and beat my fears down and then face disappointment without feeling something has to change now.  I have lost my sense of trust and I am not sure I can be a penpal anymore.  There are so many odd things that you have said that made me believe you really wanted to meet me.  It seems really odd now my love.  I can’t bear to look at your messages at the moment.

As for me….my feelings for you are still here, live and kicking, undeterred by the disappointment over the weekend.  But if you think it wise, I am happy to throw some ice on them.

Forgive me but I still don’t know what to think and how I am supposed to be feeling.  I have never had this experience before.  I don’t know how long I should have waited or not waited.  Was three hours too long?  I exaggerate, it was only two hours and forty-five minutes really.  I don’t know how long to wait to hear from you after telling you on Sunday morning what had happened.  Perhaps you are dreading seeing a message from me.  There may be a perfectly legitimate reason.

Actually, I have been thinking about what happened when I was at the station on Saturday evening.  I had a couple of blokes hanging round the station pay me a bit of attention.  Three women asked me where I bought my dress (I am not telling anyone – hee hee – I know it is gorgeous.)  One tall bloke who was wearing more jewellery than Mr T said “hey gorgeous, need a lift somewhere”.  I just laughed and said I was fine.  I noticed a man who was talking to someone on the phone and heard him say the words “just come to the station entrance and look to the right…it is the right thing to do.” A while later I saw him with another man.  For a moment I thought it might be you…I really did.  I was not sure because there were so many men who seemed to fit your description pass me I was confused with who I was looking for.  Anyway, this man went into a shop I can’t even remember the name of the shop, though I was stood outside for so long – maybe it was Whistles or something.  Anyway, I looked at him a few times and he looked a bit nervous…but then his friend seemed to be calling to him and I thought he shouted Keith….so I figured it could not have been with you…because we have had this conversation about names already.  I had already decided I was cold and I had not had anything to drink since lunch-time so I went and bought myself a cup of tea at the sandwich bar inside the station.  When I returned, the two men were both gone.

In truth I am hoping this is not the end, just a little challenge that together we can work on getting over and cement what we have been building.  This is not supposed to be stressing you out .  If you are not enjoying this relationship any longer…we can just stop. Neither of us owe anything to each other.  Neither has harmed the other.  Neither has been unkind or abusive to the other.  If we chose to end this before we meet…well, I have very fond and positive thoughts and feelings towards you.  You have built a friendship with a woman and declared your love to a woman and then accidentally left her outside a train station on a Saturday night…right I am not mentioning it anymore.  Because it’s not being stood up that I am bothered by anyway.  It’s more understanding what is going to happen next.

If we dissolve this friendship…I have plenty of things I can keep myself busy with, plenty of friends who make me thrive…but I am not in search of another romance.  In fact if you say you want to end this…I think I deserve to be a bit down. I deserve the chance to play sad songs and eat chocolateI have many friends who will help me laugh about this situation and move on.  Not that I want to.  I don’t feel like laughing now.  But I don’t know how to feel because I don’t know what is happening anymore.

Sorry lovely…I love you…but I don’t know what is happening here…and I don’t know what is happening next.

I do love you…but I am waiting to hear from you and in the meantime….

….I am going to just get on with the life I lead which you have a good idea of…work, cleaning, washing, ironing, meeting up with friends for a drink/meal (and occasional karaoke or dancing), walking, swimming, reading, shopping, my family, museums….all pretty normal stuff….it is the people in my life that make it so rich and rewarding….if you are  not going to be one of those people – that’s sad.  I would only wish you the very best and hope with all my heart that I have not caused you any hurt, regret, any unintentional offence you have been too polite to tell me about.  I would always hope you have success in all you turned your hand to.  But I would prefer, much prefer, that we met and had chance to see if our lives will over-lap and how much that will be the case.

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In case you were wondering.  He did e-mail me.  He sent a beautiful apology.  We continued our penpal friendship for a few more months.  It was never quite the same. One day he just did not reply to one of my messages.  I ached at the time.  But I think he made the right decision.  There must have been a reason that he knew but would not tell me why we would never meet.  I have looked back at his hundreds of messages.  Now I can see inconsistencies I never noticed before.  Still, I don’t want to think or speak negatively.  He brought me a lot of joy, it was nice having an exclusive penpal who shared every day with you.

But I did it once, and once is enough.  I don’t want to have an internet relationship.  I prefer to meet someone in real life, which is how I met my beloved Goldfinch.

In all honesty…it is something I could never put myself through again.

 

Dear Penpal

 

I don’t know if you think I am daft….or annoying…sending you messages….but I still don’t know for certain if you are alive and well or if I have lost my dear friend and have no idea why.

I write lovely things in a journal for you each evening….in hopes one day, it may be in your hands.

I read an article yesterday on the tube about appreciation.  It was for married couples really but it made me think of where perhaps I have gone wrong with you.  It had a quote from a marriage counsellor who said that most of the couples who see him talk about what is not happening in their marriage rather than what is.  They are all focused on what needs to change rather than what they want to stay the same.  They lack appreciation for their mates positive traits and habits and all that they love about their mate for all they are and all they are doing.

So I was thinking….I hope I have told you what I love and appreciate about you.  But perhaps I have not shown enough appreciation for the type of relationship we have had.  I have maybe harped on too many times about what was not happening in our relationship, and kept on talking about how I wanted things to develop and progress and change.  I am sorry if I gave the impression I was dissatisfied.

Truly sorry… you have sent me so many beautiful romantic messages that gave me hope of something beyond a whirlwind of love letters, but now I am wondering if the transition to reality is just never going to happen.

However, please let me state now how much I have loved what we have been enjoying.  The thought of having lost the relationship we had leaves me utterly heartbroken.  Maybe that is due to me putting unfair pressure on you to move things forward….even though I know you are already juggling many important responsibilities.

If you are alive and well….just reluctant to maintain the frequency of contact we had and feeling that you are unable to guarantee you would have the time and energy to meet up in the future….well that is something I would only respect you for deciding.

However….I would love to think my messages could bring you some amusement and comfort and encouragement and enjoyment.

I am sorry if I have caused you to draw away… I wish I knew what to apologise for specifically and whether it was something I could improve on.

If you have another girlie… then again… I would only respect you for not messaging me at the same time.

If you have been abducted by aliens… I am not sure I will ever know.

If you are grieving due to a serious family tragedy….I wish I could be of some use or support to you….and would want to send you HUGE hug.  I hope my messages are not badly timed.

I am truly distressed that I do not know what has happened to you.

Thank you for a year of romance and joy.

All my sweetest love you…xx