But at times, it can be hard too.
I was so silly! I just found a text message from Goldfinch before he left his home to head to the airport. I did not understand the first part…it was all Greek to me…and I was worried that it was some cryptic response to our discussion about my ex-flatmate. I was so perplexed by what it might mean, I did not scroll down to see that he would not have his personal phone with him, so he would not be available by phone for a week.
Can you believe I let myself become so distressed? I was thinking about it last night – why did I panic and presume he was refusing to speak to me? Because of what happened with my Jack! It crippled me that Jack would not talk to me after a certain point. It was all looks and glares and sniggers and silence. It tore me apart. When I tried to ask him why he let people say so many awful things on social media, his response was to block me on Instagram. I did not use Facebook or any other social media platform. I didn’t care about Instagram. It hurt that he was not willing to try to heal the rift.
Oh Jack!…the way he behaved was so surprising and provoking at the time. I have come to expect that all men will behave the same way. Only, I have never ever had those kind of difficulties with any other man or any other person for that matter. I have never had any disagreement that remained unresolved. My parents taught me that you should do all you can to restore peace and repair rifts. Growing up with six siblings gives you plenty of practice at resolving disagreements.
So after years of making sure I cleared up any misunderstanding with anyone (and it has not happened often, I can only think of a couple of occasions where a misunderstanding could have jeopardised a friendship), I was devastated that Jack did not seem to want to work at making peace, for either our own peace of mind, or for the sake of all our close friends who were upset by what they saw.
Every man I have ever dated I am still on friendly terms with, because I don’t let things end on a sour note. I have always made sure when ending a relationship that it was obvious that the romantic side of the relationship had to end, but I still cared and would always be grateful for what we had shared. I still have some incredible friendships with men I ended a romantic relationship with. Because I cannot bear to risk someone else’s mental and emotional well-being.
But with Jack…aaaah! I just felt so helpless, he did not want us to resolve things. That put me in agony. Seeing him every day, but feeling as if he wanted me dead. I never wanted to compete in a popularity contest with Jack – he would always win, he is the celebrity! Numbers would always be on his side. He was definitely in on the joke, whereas I was only a subject of the big joke.
All of our mutual friends felt awkward. I hated being at parties and dinner invitations where he was also present, but I was the only one he would not make eye contact with or speak to. I spent so many months battling tears in public places and at social occasions.
Then the way things ended…with stupid me putting myself in a precarious situation by being on my own so late at night in an isolated part of the park. Waking up with a team of accident and emergency staff trying to patch me up. It all makes things harder for Jack I guess. He may have already been feeling lousy, but what happened to me could have made him feel even more rotten. I don’t know, he has not told me. But I can only empathise with him and put myself in his shoes.
Such an incredibly awkward and tense situation to resolve. But I would love Jack to be assured that all I want is to put this all to rest, to be at peace. I want him to know I am not angry, I am not resentful…I am in anguish, and deeply in love with him and always will be. Although, I cannot imagine there is any possibility of a friendship the way we once were friends, I want to be able to remember him with fondness and not with pain. For he is my favourite person still. It just hurts. The silence hurts.
I love Goldfinch…so very much. I learnt something about myself this week. I jumped to the conclusion that all men can behave like Jack and quickly go from professing love for you to refusing to speak to you. Did you see how quickly I came to the conclusion that it was all over between Goldfinch and I? It might seem rather erratic, but I think I understand why I gave up hope so quickly.
I was distressed about thinking that is what Goldfinch may have done. But I was so scared of the possible outcome of pushing for peace, I was willing to give up a lot sooner. Because I am scared to go to extraordinary lengths to pursue peace. I am scared that I am too feeble to stake the enormous emotional effort and risk being scarred and crippled emotionally again. I am scared that the desperate desire to resolve a situation that is unbearable, could make me so distressed and morose that I lose my senses and end up in another precarious situation.
I don’t have the same energy as I used to have to make peace. After investing so much energy to make peace with Jack all to no fruition.
I am sad to think that soon I will be just a very distant memory to Goldfinch. While he is here…well, he has brought me so much joy, and that is all I want to return to him. I am going to try to put aside my sadness over him leaving and try to make the most of the time left.
Goldfinch will be leaving me with beautiful memories and complete peace of mind.
I am still going to be left with Jack though, painful memories and no peace of mind…it is not going to go away in a hurry! Not until I have peace with him. In the meantime… I am going to bake cakes and go out singing with friends!