Two Hearts That Beat As One

Curled up on the campbed in the conservatory at my sister’s home. Feeling confused. It is confusing to be in love with two men.

It feels double hearted, or as if I have two separate hearts. One that beats for a gorgeous man 10,100 miles away, the other that races whenever my soulmate is near me.

annie blackwood

But the gorgeous friend, who is 10,100 miles away, said something lovely to me a couple of days ago. He said that naturally the situation will resolve itself. The more time I spend with the man who has very suddenly come back into my life, gradually that love will become stronger and  the other lesser. He has been so kind.

I am one of those people who doesn’t cope well with guilt. Sometimes I have ideals that some might think of as a little childish. So it’s not sitting well with me to have such strong feelings for them both. And because I don’t do guilt at all, I have told them both.

I told my gorgeous Australian about everything that happened from the start. He knows it all. And I told my ex-flatmate that I have been in love for the past couple of years with a wonderful man, and that is hard to let go of him.

Eventually, I want this little heart of mine to settle down. It’s all come with the suddenness of this situation. I have to give it time I guess, for my feelings to calm.

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Torn

My head is all over the place right now. I am holding back from writing too much about the situation I am in. But it is beyond belief. I am going to have to wait until it is the right time. I’m scared at the moment, in case it all goes wrong. But until then I could go stir crazy with the strong feelings whirling around my head.

guiltyYears ago I read “The Buccaneers” by Edith Wharton. I had a complete dilemma of conscience when reading Nan’s story. The main character Annabelle was trapped in a loveless marriage. Then wonderful Guy – that was his actual name – came along. I had to stop reading it because I wouldn’t allow myself to sympathise with her.

Haven’t I tried to live a simple life? I have not toyed with anyone else. I have been open and loyal. Something crazy has happened. Something so incredible. For so many reasons I should be thrilled, absolutely jumping for joy. But for reasons you would understand if I could tell you, there is a shadow on my heart. The shadow of guilt. I should feel guilty.

I am not married. Technically, I am single. But my heart has been devoted to a gorgeous Australian, who lives 10,100 miles away, and who has been telling me he wanted me to meet someone new and fall on love. I just never listened to him. I didn’t want to meet someone else and fall in love. This situation that I am in has caught me by surprise, well, more than that – this has completely shocked the living daylights out of me! So although he might say everything is fine, my heart is not believing that.

car kiss.jpgI have not been trapped in a loveless relationship, quite the opposite. I love Goldfinch so very much! Something very very unexpected has knocked me off my feet. My heart is doing somersaults. My long distance lover has been hoping that I would meet someone here in England. I am sure he didn’t expect the man who has been silent for over four years, and now has crashed back into my life, to be that someone.

I still feel as if my heart is has been torn in two. And at the moment one half is celebrating an incredible miracle and trying to provoke wild exuberant joy…and the other half is condemning me.

Guilt And Coffee

So what is happening this weekend that Caramel might be writing about at a later date?

The coffee-date with the friend of a friend – that is happening this weekend. By the time you read this post, it will already have happened. I am not really ready for it. I have been very emotional the past few days. Which is partly very natural because I work very long hours Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.

All sorts of unhelpful thoughts traipse through my mind at times about the future.  I have felt safe here for the past two years. Things will change though. I have to be prepared that I may not have the comforts I do now.

But it is also my feelings about Goldfinch and my feelings about the little blueberry I am responsible for seven weeks after Goldfinch parted. I do feel a sense of guilt about going on a coffee-date, but I have been open with Goldfinch, and I am sure he is more than happy with me.

I don’t actually have any enthusiasm for coffee-dates with other men. But this man seems very lovely, and I am going to go along and hopefully just have a real good chatter. How open I will be about my situation, I don’t know yet, But I will have to at some point.

I will let myself settle a bit before I write a post about how the coffee-date went. But right now, before I go, I will admit, I am finding it hard to see anything past Goldfinch…and the little blueberry.