Tag Archives: friends

It’s Not You, It’s Me

Confused, Muddled, Illogical

I am in a pickle. I have a friend who wants to talk regularly. They want to talk about subjects I am not in the mood for. We have different interests. We have different outlooks and different points of view.

The thing is my friend is always nice to me. I just dread their calls and messages. It’s probably antagonized because I am tired after work. My friend is staying at home after being put on furlough. He is bored. He seems to want to fill me in on politics and every development with the …you know – how many cases, how many deaths, the lastest news on testing.

I sent a series of half hearted messages. You know messages that were just a sentence long. Now my friend is wondering what is wrong. So I sent a message last night to say, I am very tired and when I come home from work the last thing I want to think about is politics or the …you know.

How to tactfully explain to him why I don’t want to answer his calls or reply to the subjects he brings up in emails….

Damn These Walls

Blur, Design, Fashion, Female, GownI had a song in my head all day yesterday….all on account of Goldfinch. Sigh…this is one of the songs that makes me think of you…that makes me think of you.

I just want to be by your side. If only these wings could fly. Oh damn these walls. Sigh…if these wings could fly.

Some songs just seem to perfectly capture your mood. This is one of them. Perhaps it is all made twenty times more intense by these lockdown, social distancing, closing borders times we are experiencing because of the …you know.

But I have started to feel a sense of panic that I just do not know when I will see him again. Oh what a to do! Our hearts play funny games with us – do they not!

I am very much in love with Jack. But Goldfinch is my friend, my former lover who is still my friend and I love him very much.

Sunlight comes creeping in
Illuminates our skin
We watch the day go by
Stories of all we did
It made me think of you
It made me think of you

Under a trillion stars
We danced on top of cars
Took pictures of the stage
So far from where we are
They made me think of you
They made me think of you

Oh lights go down
In the moment we’re lost and found
I just wanna be by your side
If these wings could fly
For the rest of our lives

I’m in a foreign state
My thoughts they slip away
My words are leaving me
They caught an aeroplane
Because I thought of you
Just from the thought of you

Oh lights go down
In the moment we’re lost and found
I just wanna be by your side
If these wings could fly
Oh damn these walls
In the moment we’re ten feet tall
And how you told me after it all
We’d remember tonight
For the rest of our lives

If these wings could fly

Oh lights go down
In the moment we’re lost and found
I just wanna be by your side
If these wings could fly
Oh damn these walls
In the moment we’re ten feet tall
And how you told me after it all
We’d remember tonight
For the rest of our lives

Written By:  Ryan B Tedder and Jasmine Lucilla Elisabeth Van Den Bogaerde (aka Birdy)

Just Another Day

It’s Friday….and I am working a long long day. This evening I will come home and have a shower and then slip into my bed. The world is celebrating yet another commercial holiday based on a pagan holiday. The retailers hope to celebrate. People who don’t have a significant other may feel lonelier that ever (well not all people, but some people may do).


My Jack is abroad still. He rings me everyday. He rang me this morning, the same as he does most mornings. He is several hours ahead of me, so it easier for him to catch me in the morning. I am not great in the mornings, so I normally just listen to excited chatter! Hearing Jack’s voice is the highlight of the day. He also sends me lots of photos via email to give me an idea of what he is up to.

I am longing for Jack to come home, but I will have to be patient. Anyway, he would hate that I have to work so much at the moment. These sixty hour a week work schedules do not leave me with much time or energy.

robin readingThe other great love of my life (my romantic life) is in Australia. I have never sent him a card on 14th February. Although I have written plenty of love letters to him. But this year, I wrote him a book instead. I dedicated it to him (and my little apricot). A copy of the book is winging it’s way to Australia…although Amazon say it might be another month before it arrives!!!

When I am starting my day, he is finishing his. So last night I sent him a message that I hoped he would read when he woke up. I

I also put together a collection of journal entries and ditties I wrote last spring. It’s something I wanted to do because it is just coming up to a year since a sad loss that I have thought about all year. It’s been a bust week for Melody FInch on Amazon. Thank goodness my techno friend is patient with me. I cook, he works out the Kindle Dashboard. It seems to work well. He is the only man this year who has gotten any chocolates out of me. But that was just to thank him for figuring out how to turn these writings into real books.

We all need techno friends!

I Never Want To Be Strangers Again

I was supposed to be going to Heathrow with Jack today. However, he has changed his flight because of a funeral. I won’t write about the funeral right now. Jack is upset. But that means I won’t be able to go with him when he sets off. Nevermind. There will be other opportunities, I am sure. I hope to meet him at the airport when he comes back to London. That will be lovely.

Couple, Young Couple, Love, RomanceOther people “knowing” about us, is already changing the dynamics of the relationship between Jack and I. Before it was just him and me. Now it’s opinionated comments, probing questions and friendly teasing from others. Sigh.

It is good that everyone knows. I am especially relieved that my family know! But part of me wants to crawl back into the cave with him and keep out everyone else from our relationship for longer.

I forgot how freely other people offer opinions and make jokes about subjects that are still quite sensitive. It is very unfortunate that so many of our friends know that there has been a very rocky road for Jack and I. It’s giving them plenty to talk about and tease us about. I am trying to take it in good humour. But I have been very busy, and when you are tired, you are sometimes a little more emotionally fragile than usual.

Don’t worry there have been no disasters yet. I just feel more emotional than before. What people say does affect me. I am trying not to let it be an issue between Jack and I.

Eye, Tear, Sadness, Cry, Sad, HumanBut do you know that pain that you get somewhere near the back of your throat when you are upset. It makes it painful to swallow and sends a sharp rush of tears to your eyes. Some of the remarks and questions I have received have triggered that.

I just do not want anything to spoil things between Jack and me. We were strangers, who became friends, who became lovers, who became strangers again. By some miracle, the estrangement was healed and we are friends and lovers again. But it would break my heart it if Jack and I ever became strangers again. Queue the BBC Voice of 2020, yes Celeste:

Dreams Come True

My friends are amazed!!! You know…I had forgotten how amazing it is! But the looks and expressions from my friends, the exclamations of shock and amazement are reminding me!

I was shocked when Jack called me and I have been very surprised at how things have developed between us. But my friends seem to think it more of a miracle than I do!

One of my friends said that I have a very positive outlook, and she always thought I was a bit of a dreamer. But she said she is pleased for me that my dreams seem to come true.

why hold back.jpg

The thing is…I couldn’t see how the sad situation with Jack could have gone on for much longer. I never completely lost hope that eventually we would be reconciled. It did seem very doubtful at times. I felt so much hurt. But it was when the situation hurt the most, when I felt my conscience tell me not to write-off the situation. Keeping hope alive brought me peace and made me feel better.

My friends are extremely excited. News is spreading quickly. They all seem very pleased and genuinely amazed. What does make me laugh a lot – is that a lot of my family have started to follow Jack on Instagram again. It’s a strange world nowadays!

Making A Swift Escape

nights inLast night I was with some friends. I headed over to the home of one of my friends straight after work, thinking that I would be later than others. But, it seemed that I was one of the earliest to arrive.

One of the girls already there was that lovely friend of mine who drove me up to North Wales recently and played hours of the music created by one particular musician to me. She clearly wanted to talk to us about Taylor Swift. Which was fine. Friday night, talking about music is not a bad idea. It’s obvious our level of interest is negligible compared to her’s. My friend is well within the realms of besotted fandom. I have mentioned in the past I don’t understand fandom myself. I just like a little bit of lots of different music¬† genres, and I like variety. I don’t really want to listen to more than two songs in a row by the same artist.

work1My friend wanted to tell us all about some kind of disagreement Taylor Swift is having with some chap who is not on my radar at all – who apparently bought her old music label and therefore owns the original master recordings of her music creations. Honestly, I don’t want music to be political. I used to work for a record company. I am aware of a lot of “goings-on” within the entertainment industry that…well, I chose to leave the music industry for more than one reason. But I still have friends who work in the music industry, both as musicians and in music management, and as radio station DJs and working as sound engineers for musicians. I hear about all sorts of dramas going on.

showMy friend wanted us to watch the recent performance from her favourite artist at an award show. But it was going to be long, and definitely more than one song. She played the beginning, which to those of us who are not ofay with this dispute, seemed to be a little odd. That’s not a criticism, we just didn’t understand the significance of the start of the performance because we had no knowledge of the scale of this grievance. Apparently, there was a hidden meaning in the first part of the performance, but my friend didn’t have chance to explain it to us.

London, Bridge, Shard, River, LondonAnyway…just as she was flinging off her white shirt to reveal her sparkly number underneath, some of our other friends arrived. They came in very excited and began telling us of the awful afternoon they had experienced because of their locality to London Bridge, where there was another terror related incident yesterday. As you can imagine, our attention was swiftly diverted to our other friends. We had lots of questions for them and some of my friends started to google news reports to find out what had happened. Conversation about what happened dominated the rest of the evening.

My lovely friend didn’t get the chance to show us the whole of Taylor Swift’s performance afterall. She wanted me to watch it before I left last night, but I was having such a terrible coughing fit (you know when you cough so hard, you feel a bit of pee escape) that I said my goodbyes so I could get back home. I felt I needed to make a swift escape (excuse the pun) before my coughing became worse.

tsa.pngAnyway, when I woke up this morning, she had emailed me a link so I could watch it. I was so sleepy this morning (this cough is really taking it out of me) and I knew I needed to wake up and get ready to go out. But I was so tired! Anyway, I decided to click the link so I could watch the performance. It certainly woke me up! Feeling energised I made a swift exit from my bed and jumped in the shower singing away.

It was coooooooooool! I don’t know all the songs. But I know “Shake It Off” and the last song, she performed. I really like those two. So, I have to remember to text my friend to tell her I watched it and thought it was great. As for Taylor Swift, well, it just looked as if she was having an amazing time on stage and loving every minute. The audience too, looked as if they were having a great time and loving the show. To me, that is what music is all about. So it was a delight to watch someone who clearly likes what she does.

Anyway, I thought it was so entertaining, I thought I would pop the same link my friend sent me onto the end of this post.

Tiny Pink Flutters

Only you…only you, who knows my name.

Will it always be this way? Do you want me to keep reading in between the lines? Looking out for clues meant for me only? Or will there be a direct heart to heart?

You have said enough for me to never ask any awkward questions. But it would be joyful to share a something with you. A secret something perhaps. Lines we never need to cross. Questions we never need to ask. A secret code for only you and I.

Wall, Brick, Grafitti, Window, Love, Couple, Balloons

I don’t need an explanation. But perhaps I do need an invitation. Do you want me to watch over you on your journey? Do you want me to be that listening ear that is rooting for you? Do you want me to offer my hand should you fall again? Do you want to rest on my shoulder and weep a while? Or shall we just run, run like children through golden sun-kissed fields?

I don’t want to cause trouble. But if you want me to take your hand and follow you on your journey, I am here.

Tiny pink flutters marching through me.




Dear Stuart

Man and Woman Couple Wearing Their Silver Couple Bond Ring

I know

Well, I think I know

I understand

Well, I think I understand

It’s alright

If you are alright, then I am alright

We’re at peace

If you are at peace, then I am at peace

I wondered

From the start I admit I wondered

The clues

I’m not great with cryptic clues

Your journey

I am here beside you on your journey

Your honesty

To be honest, I am moved by your honesty

These secrets

That we share, they’ll remain secrets

The trust

We shared, is something you can trust

These questions

I’ve been asking, you’ve answered my questions

My love

For you has changed, it’s a different kind of love

This friendship

I won’t abandon, for we all need special friends

This bosom

Deep within, you still rest here in this bosom

Caught In A Web

Stuck. Every time I try to wriggle out, I become more entangled. Escape seems impossible. Waiting for the Webmaster to come and devour me. Will somebody rescue me please? For I do not see how I am going to get myself out of this sticky tangle.

Cobwebs, Water Drops, Refraction, Green, Bokeh, Texture

I find policies and rules interesting. I don’t mean the big ones that everyone agrees on. I mean the mediocre policies and rules that seem strange when you are new to them…but then you discover the reason and find them easier to respect and cooperate with them.

checkinsFor example, I had to work at a location where your belongings are searched. Now, I have been at some high security premises where that made sense. But for a smaller shop which is open to members of the public wandering in and out all day long – I thought it was strange that staff are asked to submit to such vigorous security checks.

But then I was told of the history with staff stealing stock, and it made more sense. It’s sad, but there is a reason. The behaviour of others has made it necessary to search all staff.

Work Desk, Smart Phone, Laptop, PhoneWell…someone has called me out for being a bit extreme in some of the policies I have set for my life. It is my choice to abstain from having a smartphone. I have my reasons. But the biggest reason is my negative experience from the past, when I saw a very unkind side to social media. I am perfectly happy without a smartphone. But this friend is pressuring me and ceaselessly trying to persuade me to get one. She has stated she is going to buy one for Christmas. I have said I do not want one I will not use one. She keeps saying I shouldn’t make myself suffer because of one bad experience. She says I am missing out. I am so tired of the conversations we have about this issue.

no.pngThen something else came up. She asked me if I wanted to do something. I replied, “no, because….” That was my mistake. I should have just said “no”. As soon as I gave my reason, my friend started to argue and told me I was extreme.

The thing is…the decisions I have made based on past experiences – they have worked wonderfully well. Maybe there is a little “once bitten, twice shy”. But in rejecting things because I have had a very bad experience with them, I don’t feel I am missing out. There is so much other wonderful out there. I have no shortage of things to do.

I am not sure why my friend keeps telling me what I should or shouldn’t be doing. None of my other friends or family do that. I am a grown woman. So far, I have a pretty good run. I am proud of my decisions, and the reasons behind them.

too much1I am finding my friend is taking issue with me over so many decisions, trying to make me do things her way. I feel as if I am become entangled with sticky discussions. She keeps analysing what I say and labelling my reactions as extreme. It is tiring. I just want to be allowed to make my decisions and be happy with them.

I have a habit of agreeing with what she is saying (I am not argumentative), with the result that my friend thinks I am agreeing to change my decision. I was nodding to all the wonderful things my friend said about smartphones. But that does not mean I will change my mind. Same with the other issue. It’s something I feel is the right decision to me. I am airing on the side of caution. But I prefer it that way.

no moreAnyway…I am only writing this because my friend kind of “cornered” me last week when I was really sick and wanted me to agree to something I did not want to do. (It’s a particular type of entertainment that I do not find remotely entertaining.) And I was so tired, I started crying.

But she rang me yesterday..she still has not dropped the issue. She said she has bought me a ticket because she donesn’t want me to miss out. I said I do not want to go and I hope someone else will buy the ticket from them because I have not changed my mind. My friend called me ungrateful. Shrug! I am finding myself becoming increasingly overwhelmed by this. I think at some stage, when I have more energy, I am going to have to kindly tell my friend that I need to be allowed to make my own decisions and that they are respected. This pressure is becoming unbearable.

web.pngMy friend…she is a lovely person. But she is strong willed, and she likes to tell people what to do. I am mild tempered, and in general very easy going. She has lots of particulars. She will decide where we eat, what temperature it is, what music we listen to. I concur, because I don’t mind. But when I have made a decision for a reason, I usually stick to it. I am not easily swayed. That’s where my friend is getting annoyed with me. Oh well!


Emily Was Lonely

emilyI was thinking about a friend of mine the other day. Her name is Emily. I have mentioned her very occasionally. She was very ill some years ago – I mean very ill. She was unconscious for months in a hospital ward. Anxious times for all of us.

I dealt with my own anxiety by keeping journals for her. I started with one journal, but I think I filled six in the end. I included all sorts of things about what was happening within our group of friends. I just felt that I didn’t want her to miss anything. I glued in all sorts of pictures to accompany what I had written and included the names of songs I wanted her to listen to.

jourensls.jpgWhen she woke up and I was able to give her those journals, she was blown away by them. Recently, she told me she still has them (although it is over ten years ago that she was ill) because they were so special to her.

I was thinking about how lost in herself after the challenged she faced. Although physically she was much better, she seemed to battle depression. She had a string of romances with men who didn’t seem to be right for her. Then she started going out with a guy who had an awful reputation. She ended up marrying him. There were challenges. He was dishonest about his financial situation. She was dishonest about other things. It was so strange to watch her predicament unfolding.

loz and emThey are still married. They have done alright in the end. They have had challenges. The financial issues have taken a long time to remedy. They have kids. They have a busy family life.

I found it hard to understand what she was going through back then. She did tell me, I just didn’t understand why her feelings were influencing her decisions so much. (I was much better at reasoning to make decisions when I was younger. I have never been a “follow your heart” kind of person, because if I did I would end up seriously in trouble time and time again. No…I prefer to make careful decisions that take into account the cost of each possible choice and envision what will really me bring happiness.)

ems.jpgShe told me she was lonely. She told me she did not want to be single. She told me she didn’t care who, she wanted to with someone. I had a different approach to romance so I did not understand her.

But she was being honest about her feelings. She felt miserable on her own. She wanted to be with someone so much. She changed the way she did her make-up (drastically) and the way she dressed. Her behaviour changed significantly. She was not the same person I knew before her illness.

loz and ems.pngI still cared for her a lot, but I was so worried because her decisions seemed so reckless and I could not see how they were going to make her a happier person. Aaaaah sigh. She has made her own decisions. Some of them brought happiness, some of them brought a lot of stress and many challenges.

We are all still friends, although our lives have veered off in different directions. I think overall she would say she made the decisions that were right for her at the time. But they had a high cost at times. I think she would say they were worth the cost. I never stopped worrying for her though. I gave them hundreds of pounds when I could afford it. But there was a limit to what I could to to help them.

Whenever I hear the name Avril Lavigne, I think of Emily. Emily loved Avril’s music after she came out of her coma. Emily did not want to be on her own. She wanted to be with someone.