Last night, I spent my last evening as a guest in someone else’s home. Tonight I will be back in my bed.
Although I will be glad to be no longer living out of a suitcase, I have to admit, I have been spoilt this week. Every evening I have arrived after a long day at work…and a delicious nutritious vegetarian meal has been waiting for me.
My lovely friends told me that they would love to see more of me, and that any time I can pop by and there will always be a seat at their dinner table and a spare room for me to sleep in.
It sure is good to know! I think I would become very spoilt if I took advantage of their kindness and hospitality too often.
I am not heartless. Of course I feel for you. Over and over. But what can I do except offer my heart-felt words? I am powerless. I truly am. There are many things I would love to do to make things better. I can’t do those things. All I can offer is sweet words and soft touches.
There are so many things I would be doing if my situation was not so precarious. I would not even be around to see you and hear about your trials. You would never hear from me. I would be far away and wrapped up in a host of other concerns.
I sometimes think you want a hug…but I don’t think that it is wise. If I let you cry on my shoulder and I put my arms around you and held you tight…maybe you would feel momentary relief. But wouldn’t that open the door to more pain and more confusion.
Let me be sweet and innocent in your eyes. Be satisfied with my words alone. Do not crave my feminine curves and warm embrace. Do not yearn for my fond caresses and honeyed kisses. Do not let your steps wander down this unrewarding path. It would not solve anything, It would be a moment of delight and a lifetime of regret. I would only be a burden. I don’t want to be that. I only ever wanted to be a bonus and a blessing.
make you melt, perfumed skin, and a warm embrace that you long to have wrapped around you – it does not mean I have what you need. I don’t have what you need my friend. I wish I did, but I do not. I would only be a temporary pleasure for you and then you would hate me because you had been so weak.
So the teasing began simply because I mentioned to my friends that when I lived out in Berkshire on a beautiful estate, one of my tasks was to keep the lawns in the formal gardens looking trim. To do so, I had to drive one of those lawn-mowers that Forrest drives in his job. So when my friends learnt this, they started to draw lots of other parallels between me and Forrest Gump.
Some of my friends think I am a tad gullible about people. Hmm – I don’t know. But I am someone who likes to believe the best in people, and does not give up on people easily. I can be extremely loyal and positive about someone. I am quite open (though I must admit, online I am a bit security conscious), but I am quite an open book in real life. I am also quite a mild, placid person, not easily provoked – I play dumb with aggressive people. And I do care about people, and have many times gone beyond the call of duty, as it were, to try to rescue someone.
My friends laugh at me for ending up in deep conversations with complete strangers. I might be out with friends but suddenly they find I have wandered off and am chatting with someone or a group of people I have never met about their beliefs or asking them questions. I know this may have happened on a few occasions, but it is not something I do deliberately. I do like people though. The thing about strangers is –Â they are members of my family I just have not met yet, so they don’t frighten me as such. Until I feel threatened…but that is understandable after the crime I was victim of isn’t it? But I like people.
I have always had a lot of stamina (because of the swimming we grew up with) and when I have been into running (mainly because I did not have enough time to walk at length – I prefer to walk because I can take in my surroundings, when I am running I am moving too quickly) I was fast. Some of my friends would run with me and tell me just to carry on ahead of them and they would run as a group behind. These legs of mine are like machines. I do have to limit my running now because it’s not unusual for me to have episodes where I am having breathing difficulties – one of the issues I have had after receiving head injuries.
Perhaps I should begin with Jamal, as I have already mentioned him in another post. What did Jamal have to say about Jack and me? Very early on Jamal started teasing Jack about me. Then Jamal started teasing me about Jack. Every time he appeared he would call me over to him, and then lead me to Jack. Jamal was forever taunting me in a mild way about having a crush on Jack, I don’t know what he was saying to Jack but I can only imagine it was ten times worse.
Then Jack moved into the flat I was sharing already with Ella and Dean. Can you imagine Jamal’s reaction? There were always lots of young men pouring into our flat to hang out with Jack. He cared for them. Some of them were from broken up backgrounds and he tried to steer them away from drugs and crime and encouraged them to get involved with working for charities.
Jamal was a super lad in himself. He was extremely gregarious and popular with people of all ages. He looked smart, he was always wearing a tailored suit or a cashmere sweater and a pair of his trendy spectacles. He was smooth, he was slick. He had constant laughter in his voice. Jamal was clever and capable and confident. He really looked up to Jack. Jack encouraged Jamal and gave him great advice.
Damian was one – I can’t bear to think of what Damian said and did. He thought the world of Jack. But I had known Damian long before either he or I met Jack. Damian and I had been friends since we were fourteen. He was the King of sarcasm. Damian was cruel to both Jack and me…and he would not stop. I kept on receiving messages from him. I saw Damian almost every day and he always had something to say. He was merciless. Hugh Sanders was another. Hugh was relentless. These silly men spread rumours like an infectious rash.
First of all, Bernard. Benny, we all called him, or Granddad, because he always took that tone when offering advice. Benny was the opposite in temperament to Jack. Benny was mild and quiet and modest. Although Jack could get on Benny’s nerves, he did love Jack. Benny had also been a great friend to me since I had moved to London. Benny took me out for dinner a lot, took me to the theatre and invited me to parties. We were frequently at the Royal Albert Hall which we both adored. Benny decided he would have a word with me about Jack, during that week after the conversation between Jack and I had taken place. Benny told me that Jack was wonderful but that he was like a kid in the playground. Benny warned me that Jack was going to hurt me, because he had not grown up yet.
Then there was a famous director who Jack had worked with and admired a lot. Sylvan threw amazing parties and was delighted to jump up on stage and sing or play any instrument that was handy.
Frankly, I was fed up of hearing what everyone else had to say. I wanted to speak with Jack again directly. I wanted to find out if there was any possibility he was contributing to the rumours I was hearing and ask him to make sure he strenuously denied anything was happening. And I wanted to do it in a way that made it clear to Jack that I was not against something happening, but that he and I needed to build some kind of friendship first before there was any possibility of that happening. Much as I was fond of Jack…I did not trust him, how could I trust my feelings with him?
A young man who had recently moved to London named Brian saw me on the bus on Saturday morning when I was heading into town. I had worked with Brian on a project in Devon years before and remembered him. Brian was pleased to find someone who knew who he was. Brian had been out for drinks with the same group as Jack and Hugh. Brian hardly knew a soul in London, so it made sense for him to be tagging along with new workmates when he was invited to go out for a drink.
I asked Brian if he had had any plans for that day. 
I lent forward and kissed the poor bloke! Brian laughed and thanked me. I immediately apologised. Brian then said to me everything was cool. He looked thoughtful, and then he came out with an idea…an idea which I 
I could not be sure I knew entirely what Brian meant by that, so I looked at him with a serious gaze and confessed, “I do think I actually love Jack, but I am just really mad at him at the moment.”
Suzie and I got on as soon as we started working together. We both loved to laugh. Suzie is an amazing dancer. She has always been very popular because she is fun loving and loves parties. She loves shoes, she had a ridiculous amount of shoes which were stacked on top of each other in a pile that took up half of her wardrobe. Some of her shoes I liked, some of her shoes I thought were bizarre, but whenever she wore the shoes I thought were strangest, she received a bundle of compliments about them.
Suzie was married by the time I was living in the same flat as Jack. I had moved out of the flat we shared into another flat in the next road. Suzie and I used to spend so much time together before she was married, but I felt it best to give her some space when she was married. I did go round for dinner and loved that her husband cooked amazing jollof rice and plantain. I have loved plantain ever since I spent time in Ghana.
In addition you probably need to know that Suzie’s husband was a very close friend of Jack’s. They socialized together a lot. He also seemed to think I would be perfect for Jack, but he warned me, Jack is not very sensitive to women and can come across a bit ignorant. He told me of several women who had been more than offended by him. He told me Jack is like a teenager and has never really learnt to understand women.
Suzie’s husband was one of the first to cotton on to the fact that what had originated with innocent teasing was starting to get out of hand. He took the time to discuss it with me and realized I was becoming alarmed at the comments I was receiving from complete strangers. From then on, Suzie and him tried to be as supportive as possible in a situation that was going to advance beyond anyone’s expectations. At the end of the day they cared for both Jack and me, and they tried their best to resolve the situation.
Suzie and I ran home together one evening that following week. First of all, she wanted to know if I was alright. I told her how happy I was with Jack. Suzie seemed surprised.
Much as I loved Suzie, and loved spending time with her, the truth is I no longer trusted her with my feelings about Jack. I suspected she would share whatever I said with her husband and it would then go back to Jack. I truly wanted it to be Jack and I alone who discussed any possible prospects for a future relationship. So I tried to throw cold water all over the idea that anything could ever develop. I said I really did want to enjoy being friends and flatmates. That was all that mattered to me.
Caramel 