I Tried

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I was so happy when I was out in Australia in the summer with wonderful Goldfinch. When I first met him…I knew, I just knew he wanted to be free. Nothing has changed. I would have loved to be his permanently. But he never expressed that he wanted that. I think he wanted to keep his freedom and not become “yoked” to someone.

I had to love him. Not what I wanted him to be. I did. And I do. I love him very much. I hope I have made sure he feels free. I tried to be what he seemed to want me to be. I hope he understands that if he ever needed me, I would try even harder. Sometimes freedom becomes less important. Love and loyalty become more important.

But you can’t force anyone to be what you want them to be. It’s up to an individual to choose whether they want to try to be what they may not naturally be inclined to be. It’s up to an individual to decide to love or not to love. My decision was and still is to love. I wanted to be the loving, loyal, life-long lover and partner. I wasn’t interested in “freedom” in the shape of a no commitment relationship.

My feelings are what they are. Jack knows how I feel about Goldfinch. He also knows that if Goldfinch had wanted it, I would have devoted myself to him. Jack seems relieved that Goldfinch did not want that.

The View From Above

I had to do something very hard this week. It involved Jack. It goes on, the situation with Jack goes on after all this time. I have a fear in my heart, that in my efforts to silence one false rumour, I will trigger an undesirable response from Jack.

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Aaaah – to be free! When I saw Teresa’s picture prompt linked to the word: FREE, I thought about how many of us will have longed to be able to spread out our arms and find we had powerful wings, that enabled us to fly far off from the cause of all our stresses. I wonder how many know these famous words:

“If only I had wings like a dove! 

I would fly away and reside in safety.  

Look! I would flee far away.”

It is a great shame that there are situations that develop in our lives that can cause us considerable stress for a prolonged time period. I often wonder if we had a view from above and could see the whole situation in context – maybe it would be easier. Maybe it would be worse.

I have at times thought about if I was an observer, regarding the situation with Jack from above. I would love to have had a view from above. I am sure it would all seem very different. Of course, I have experienced this situation through my own eyes. I have tried many times to see it through Jack’s eyes. For now…I try to flit and float through my life unobtrusively. I am here, not far from Jack, always trying to avoid coming into contact with him. I can’t tell you how many times I have felt the need to make a quick escape when I have realized Jack was near.

On Saturday I went to a party after a ceremony. I had in invitation months ago, which I turned down on account of realizing Jack would be there. Jack is always the life and soul of every party. But a couple of weeks ago I found out Jack was going to be abroad. So, although it was too late to have a seat at the main event, I knew I just had to stay the word and I would be able to attend the party afterwards.

I don’t like being afraid of Jack. He was my friend. We socialised together. We played basketball together. We worked on projects together. We lived together. We were supposed to be on the same team. He helped himself to my tea-bags, my coffee, the milk I had in the fridge. I picked up his clothes from the floor, I emptied and cleaned the bin, I washed his dishes. I washed a lot of his dishes.

Aaaah – to be free of this. I love Jack. But I want to feel free to live my life and be with my friends without fear. It’s a strange thing when someone who was your friend, and then told you over a cup of tea that they loved you, and they had never felt closer to another woman, becomes estranged and starts to lash out at you. But I would still give everything for things to be resolved.

For it is not an enemy who taunts me

Otherwise I could put up with it.

It is not a foe who has risen up against me

Otherwise I could conceal myself from him.  

But it is you, a [volunteer] like me, 

My own companion whom I know well. 

We used to enjoy a warm friendship together

 

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This was my post in response THE ELEMENTAL CHALLENGE hosted by Teresa aka The Haunted Wordsmith:

https://thehauntedwordsmith.wordpress.com/2019/04/02/elemental-writing-challenge-april-2/

I Have Never Forgotten The NOT YETs

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When I was a young child I asked my parents on numerous occasions, “can I have…this or that or the other…?” Most children do. There were times the answer was yes and other times the answer was no, and other times the answer was NOT YET. I learnt that there were three possible outcomes to a request, and so, I started to ask for clarification…”is it a yes, a no, or a not yet?” We all used to ask my parents to have another baby. We all decided we wanted a younger brother. Mum and Dad confirmed it was a no, they said seven was enough!

window cleanerMum and Dad did an amazing job at providing for seven children, all with their own wish-list. Dad was working as a window-cleaner, and once my youngest sister had started school, Mum went back to work as a nurse. I don’t remember being bored. There was always something going on in our house.

My parents had to be thrifty and took advantage of any activities that were free. There were many occasions when we were outside as a family playing together, and often meeting up with other families. We might go to the park and play sports, or go on the local “trim-trail”. We often went to the beach. We toured the local countryside on many bike-rides. Mum prepared many pic-nics and used to take us to areas where we could run around or climb trees, while she studied for her Masters Degree in Education.

On rainy days we might be tasked with dressing up and acting out a play. Or we would do a huge jigsaw together as a family, or play board games like “Generosity”, the winner of which was the person who gave away all of his belongings first. This essentially was the reverse of Monopoly (only my sisters and I would play it like Monopoly).

There were many other things we enjoyed together as a family and I feel extremely privileged to have all those wonderful memories – it does not matter how much money is in my purse – I know I have a wealth that sadly, money cannot buy, and many people would truly long for.

swimmingMum and Dad may have struggled at times to make ends meet but they provided plenty of things for us. We had a never ending supply of books that Dad picked up in charity shops. Mum saved some coupons from cereal boxes and three dolls appeared for me and my two younger sisters which we were thrilled by. We all had swimming lessons and all ended up swimming competitively and winning races for our county club. We all had bikes – they were all second-hand and then hand-me-down from the oldest of my siblings to the youngest, but Dad did a great job of maintaining them. What more could we possibly need?

Some of us has special interests. One of my oldest sisters had tap dancing lessons. Another of my older sisters had tennis lessons. Another had an interest in photography and Dad bought her a camera. My brother and one of my younger sisters loves art, so Dad bought art materials for them. I loved music so he bought me a radio and paid for me to have singing lessons. Milly hardly ever asked for anything. She has always been the gentle and generous one, entirely unselfish. But there was one thing, she really liked the idea of joining the gym, so Dad paid for her membership and took her along with him. Dad loved her company.

So although sometimes we thought about what we didn’t have and our friends did, like Barbie dolls and a Saga#54 and all sorts of other toys and games we were envious of…I can see my parents provided abundantly in every way for us, but especially the most important ways – they gave us their time. Richly!

Amongst the things I asked for:

  • a computer (we had to wait until I had left high school until we had a family computer)
  • my own desk (oh…there is a terrible traumatic tale of what happened with the desk that I must share with you)
  • trampoline lessons (the answer was only I gave up swimming lessons, they could not afford both)

But there is one thing I asked for very early on in life and I reckon a lot of you will have done the same! Boy oh boy oh boy – did I want a horse! It was hard not to with the television series “Black Beauty” instilling a love of horses at a very young age. Doesn’t it make you feel free? – the thought of galloping like that across fields!

I remember having a conversation with my parents about it.

Mum was asking me to think about everything a horse needs. She said you need to have a field for a horse and a stable. She explained that we would need to buy food for the horse and for other things like vet’s bills. She said if I wanted to be able to ride a horse, it would mean buying expensive equipment like a saddle and other livery.

My little face must have revealed the scale of my disappointment on the realization that it was completely beyond the means of my parents for me to ever even look forward to having a horse.

Dad was cut to the core! His words to console me was that every father would love for his little girl to have a horse. He asked me if we should trade in the rest of my six siblings so that they could buy a horse? I probably pondered about whether that was a possibility until I saw Dadda laughing.

I asked my parents, “so it is a definite no?” Mum and Dad smiled and said that they would rather it was a NOT YET. It is still at the very top of my dream list. The list of NOT YETs that I have never forgotten.

 

https://thehauntedwordsmith.wordpress.com/2018/11/01/daily-writing-challenge-nov-1/