It’s Not You, It’s Me

I am in a pickle. I have a friend who wants to talk regularly. They want to talk about subjects I am not in the mood for. We have different interests. We have different outlooks and different points of view.

The thing is my friend is always nice to me. I just dread their calls and messages. It’s probably antagonized because I am tired after work. My friend is staying at home after being put on furlough. He is bored. He seems to want to fill me in on politics and every development with the …you know – how many cases, how many deaths, the lastest news on testing.

I sent a series of half hearted messages. You know messages that were just a sentence long. Now my friend is wondering what is wrong. So I sent a message last night to say, I am very tired and when I come home from work the last thing I want to think about is politics or the …you know.

How to tactfully explain to him why I don’t want to answer his calls or reply to the subjects he brings up in emails….

I Have A Lot Of Love In Me

I wrote about the card I wanted to send to Goldfinch. The post was scheduled for this morning, but I actually typed it last week. I spoke to Jack about it and he was very helpful.

Because of commitments we both have, we have not been able to see as much of each other as normal. I confessed to Jack, that I miss him when I’m not with him. But those feelings of missing him, also trigger my feelings of missing Goldfinch. After I came back from Australia last summer, I would have been very depressed, if it wasn’t for the incredible comeback of Jack into my life. But my mourning the distance between Goldfinch and I, it’s still there. It’s powerful.

I was still very much in love with Goldfinch when Jack made contact. I communicated with Goldfinch about Jack. I told him Jack had called, and called a second time, and asked to meet me, and reached out to hold my hand, I told him about what happened after that. Goldfinch knew my history with Jack.

I have told Jack all about Goldfinch, how much he means to me. Sometimes emotions can be confusing. I feel a lot of love. I have been loved. I think where I am confused at times is that here was no break-up with Goldfinch. I seamlessly ended up with Jack. I felt a lot of love for Goldfinch, and there has been no reason to dispel that love.

Goldfinch said that naturally it would become a lesser love than my feelings for Jack. He is right I guess. I know how much I love Jack. I have no doubt that Jack and I are fabulous together. I am very happy. Jack and I are really good for each other. In so many ways (ways I will write more about in other posts) he and I are a fantastic match.

Perhaps the love I feel for Goldfinch is very gradually fading. But it’s not something I enjoy. He means so much to me. I think the world of him. I want him to be safe and warm and loved. I’d be devastated to think of him as unhappy. He says he is happy. I have to trust him.

In the end, that is what I wrote in my froggy card. That I am thrilled he has been able to travel. How much I miss him. How I worried when he was off the grid because I was anxious to know he was safe. I admitted his happiness is still of vital import to me. I told him I still find everywhere I go, I wish he were with me and could see where I go, and meet the people I meet, and taste the food I eat, and dance to the music and laugh at the jokes. I told him, that he is in my heart everywhere I go.

It will get better. I am sure it will get better. I just need to allow more time to allow the 10,100 miles sink in. When I am with Jack, I don’t miss Jack (obviously) and I don’t miss Goldfinch. When I am not able to see Jack, I miss him, and I also miss Goldfinch.

I let Jack read my before I sent it. I make sure Jack knows about any messages I send. I am trying to contact him less. But you don’t stop communicating with someone you care deeply about. I just don’t want to let my friendship with Goldfinch jeopardize my relationship with Jack. I think Jack understands. But I don’t want to take it for granted that he is alright with my regularly talking to Goldfinch.

Perhaps, I just don’t like being without someone to love.

 

Just Spit It Out Man!

If you are a man and you are reading this, please don’t take offense…but sometimes men can be hilarious. Hilarious when it comes to communicating their feelings, expressing their emotions. Not all men. And then there are the charmers, who I am always a bit wary of. But I have had experiences with men who mumble and mutter and fudge their attempt to admit they have a soft spot for….well me. I am not referring to an enormous list. Just a small select few.

It matters not how you say it, just say it! Spit it out! He found a way to try to say it to me…and I honestly felt as if I was in the car with a teenager! But it was sweet. And what matters most is that it was greatly appreciated and in some ways it was just the best news I have heard in living memory! I wish he had communicated it long long ago. Well, he did try, but it came at a very bad time. And it seemed to evapourate quickly. Oh dear, we have so much talking to do.

How did he say it? He played a song…he was tapping around on his phone and then it started to play out of the car speakers. He was quiet, I was quiet. He looked at me, I looked at him. And out hands met on the gear-stick in his car. It’s a start! He is not a charmer, he never was a charmer. He bumbles expressing his emotions. But it matters not…he found a way to say it…and it was adorable!

The last time he said those words to me was six years ago. I remember it very well. I even wrote a post about it. I wrote a whole series of posts about what happened during the week afterwards and why the words seemed so hollow back then. He didn’t actually say the words outloud today…but the song…and the kisses…they made it all quite clear. Six years! This time, I hope nothing ruins this.

So Close To Giving Up (All I Need Is A Word)

Just a reminder that my 05:58am GMT scheduled posts are mostly republished posts from this time last year. I think I might be confusing some readers. Last summer Goldfinch was living in England (he was here for work). I thought he was upset with me about something…

This tiredness malarkey is hard to beat.  I have slept a lot over the weekend, but I am still exhausted. I am so worried that Goldfinch is not talking to me. He has not replied to any of my texts or voice mails and when I try to ring him, it goes straight to his answering service.

I am not certain but I think it is the weight of this burden on my heart of all that happened between me and my ex-flatmate.  It’s daft, but it is exhausting to relive all those words and looks and thoughts and feelings.

But, I am glad to have found a medium to express these buried memories and emotions, because talking out loud has not been the way to communicate these for me.  For starters, no one is patient enough to let me work through it.  Everyone butts in and asks questions that I cannot answer.  But writing about it all…at least it is all coming out and I am not on my own with these painful memories and emotions (that frankly are not anyone else’s burden, but my own).

For over three years I have been trying to work out what happened and what went wrong and I have narrowed it down to the week I have been relating to you, the week after that cup of tea with my flatmate.  That was key to what happened afterwards.  The following months were agony.  Neither of us were brave enough to sit down and talk again, so the situation became unbearable because we did not communicate, we just hurt each other it seemed.

Then one summer evening after my birthday, I went to a London park on my own, because I did not want to see my ex-flatmate.  It was around 10pm, but it was light when I arrived and there were lots of people around.  I sat on a bench and let myself weep. After a while, a man sat next to me on the bench, and made a few friendly comments.  I became aware of how dark it was and how there was no one else around.

I stood up and said I had better be getting back home. Seconds later, I was on my knees after huge strength pushed me down by the shoulder and I remember with a shudder the words, “You’re not going anywhere.”  I am never going to write a post about what happened between that moment and waking up the next morning in an ambulance – it is not going to happen.  It is something I do not need to relive or write about.

But as I have said before, I am still tormented by everything that happened between my flatmate and I that caused me to go to the park on my own, feeling I could not bear to see him, and deeply grieved that my ex-flatmate still has found no words to communicate to me after that night.

It is a big grey cloud that hangs over me and sometimes blocks out the sunshine.  Even worse, it has perhaps led me to sabotage my wonderful relationship with my gorgeous Goldfinch who gave me his frank opinion of my ex-flatmate last weekend.

This is what happens with emotional tiredness…you do stupid things that you later regret.  My sister Milly called last night and we chatted.  That made me feel a lot better. Thank goodness for family.

But still, not communicating only causes pain.  I have tried to communicate with my ex-flatmate a handful of times over the last three years, but have not received a word back from him.  Everyone involved says he wants to talk, but is still in shock about what happened to me and does not know what to say.  But I no longer care what he says – the silence is unbearable.

And now, waiting to hear from Goldfinch is unbearable. I love him. I am so worried that I have hurt him or made him angry.

Look…all I can do right now is carry on cooking and freezing meals, clean my kitchen and go to bed.  I don’t have the emotional energy to jump on a train and go and stand in front of either my ex-flatmate or Goldfinch.  I am way way too tired.  I just want to curl up in a little ball and pretend none of this ever happened.

I want my life back, my career back and I want to be back in my room in my flat with Ella and Dean, and any flatmates who are willing to empty bins and not be hostile on a daily basis.