I Was Almost A Mother

Frequently, I still feel as if it was just last week when I left school. I still do not feel like an adult. Adult experiences still sort of unnerve me. I think because I profoundly disagree with the worldwide social, political, economic system and have sought to avoid becoming entangled with it, I have lived a lot of my life feeling free, able to give my time and energy to things that feel truly important.

Naturally, the friends I have drawn closest to have shared the same view, the same vision, the same yearning for something so much better than the monstrously inadequate current way of mismanaging things. But over the years, many of my friends have had to make decisions as a new and precious responsibility was assigned to them. They experienced the wonder of becoming parents. They had to make changes to their lifestyle in order to care for their incredible gift.

I was talking to a friend last night. We have been friends since we were teenagers. She is a mother of three beautiful little girls. She was telling me about some of the dramas in their family just in the past month. They have been to A&E four times in a month with their three daughters. It would seem the girls are attracted to danger.

While my friend was talking…I was thinking back to four years ago. Four while years ago. It seems so crazy. I was almost a mother. A life, a unique and precious human was growing inside of me, developing intricately and miraculously. I felt a sense of mourning today…for all sorts of reasons. I miss friends I have lost, beloved friends, relatives, and the precious little child that I lost when she (or he) was just the size of an apricot. I am comforted that she lays peacefully near to my family in Snowdonia. She will always be a part of me. A precious and epic part of my voyage of a lifetime.

Her father will always be a part of me. Whether he needs to be or not – he will always be one of my most treasured friends. Whether he needs to be or not. What he allowed me to experience – makes him sacred to me.