How Am I Going To Do This?

The past month has left me shattered. I have had so many anxious thoughts in connection with work. I have tried to rest more this weekend, which is not easy when I have so much to do, but I don’t feel as if I have recovered yet. Everything feels sore – my heart and mind feel battered.

I need to be fresh to start my new job with enthusiasm and give learning a new role my full attention, but right now I am scared of facing anything remotely similar.

I was talking about it with Jack over the weekend. What we do as unpaid volunteers with organizations registered as charities – is all about people. Love is the root of everything we do. The endless motivation and energy for the roles we have that yields refreshment and joy even when we are very physically tired.

Photo by Jure u0160iriu0107 on

But I have just been in a situation where a lack of interest, lack of concern, lack of time, lack of sensitivity, lack of compassion – it just became demoralizing. “Wellbeing” is a sort of buzzword for many who are trying their best to voice their desire to be good employers. I respect all the words aired and published by an organization on that subject. But it has to infiltrate the entire structure of the organization. It cannot be a vague indefinable concept.

I have a genuine fear now or interacting with any other organization that could be so inept at the handling of a wellbeing issue. I have this fog in my mind that is preventing me from feeling wholly committed to a new organization until I know for certain that they are not going to act unethically.

The challenge right now is that no amount of sleep or rest is going to convince me to trust a new employer. I just have to go ahead with it and build an effective working relationship and trust that they are decent and with conscience.

I am going to have a rice cracker and some hummus and then try to rest. I need all the rest I can after the fraught month I have just experienced.


15 thoughts on “How Am I Going To Do This?”

  1. I’m thinking that it has to be better. You were traumatized by what you just went through with a horrible company but not everyone is like that. Fingers crossed for you


    1. I don’t so much think the company is horrible. I think that some Senior Managers have not made themselves familiar with the values the organization are communicating at every level. And I think that Senior Managers are hiding themselves away by working from home, making themselves aloof, and telling their teams they are busy and only have a couple of minutes free.

      When I was at my wits the company did come to my rescue. But yes, the whole experience was traumatic.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I have switched roles Lolsy. I just found the past month challenging as I had so many questions and it seemed like an impossible quest to find someone with the time to listen or the ability to provide answers. Someone finally turned out to be more helpful and dynamic than I would ever have imagined, and I am so grateful for that. But prior to that intervention, I was feeling completely broken and I am still reeling from that exhausting experience.

      I think that at the heart of this issue is a subject that nobody wants to deal with. Senior managers who shut themselves away by working at home, making themselves impossible to have a real conversation with, are failing their teams. They are not getting to know their teams, they are not able to make sure they are giving appropriate answers to them, they are not showing interest in the wellbeing of their teams. There is a lot said to make sure that junior team members are in the office more often than they have been. But senior managers should be taking the lead in that regard. Management roles involve helping your team to thrive. Not sending them off on a wild goose chase to find answers to questions every other department say firmly lay in the hands of senior managers who say they are too busy to talk.

      Liked by 1 person

        1. …which is probably why I disapprove of the concept of “managers” so much. I don’t mind supervisors, trainers, overseers, but there is something about “managers” that goes so very wrong.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. I don’t truly consider myself a pessimist. But in this case, I know far more environments like your last experience, than I do the positive work cultures. That includes a stint at a prestigious, internationally known non-profit. I was so demoralized after leaving there. Years later, a former manager contacted me and apologized. This was done through my website, ironically. Though that was more disappointing, considering the work we were doing, it was not, by any stretch, the last time I’d encounter this. We live in an imperfect, hard world. And sometimes we are called to love and serve in the midst of the worst kind of behavior from others. And sometimes we are called to serve and love while in a wonderful environment. Wish we could predict which would be either situation. All I know for sure is what/who we are called to be regardless


  3. (((HUGS))) Learning to trust again can be so hard, but yes, there are good, trustworthy employers out there! Praying you find them, and find your courage to step out.


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